SoCal Hamburgers:

Knowing that I am a Hamburger Connoisseur many have asked where are the best burgers in SoCal, so here you have it:

1. Slaters 50/50: The burger is 50% ground beef 50% ground bacon.  Need I go further.  It is amazing! (Huntington Beach, Anaheim, Lake Forest, Pasadena, Rancho Cucamonga, San Diego)  http://www.slaters5050.com/

2. Umami: You can call me a fancy pants but there meat tastes like filet mignon, it melts in your mouth.  I've had the Umami, Hatch, Manly, Truffle & Port & Stilton.  I recommend just going Umami and let the meat do the talking without too much distraction (Lots of locations now)   http://www.umami.com/umami-burger/classic-burgers/

3. Father's Office: Amazing burger, but be warned must be 21 to enter and seating is difficult, but you will feel like you are being so LA and cool while you are there.  Just go burger and fries, both are delish.  http://www.fathersoffice.com/

4. Marty's Hamburger Stand: Just order the combo, it is a cheeseburger topped with a hot dog which not surprisingly go amazing together (10558 W. Pico Blvd., Los Angeles 90064).

5. Grill Em All: This is a food truck that makes a burger known as the Behemoth.  Let's just say the buns are each a grilled cheese sandwich, so you probably shouldn't eat it on the daily but definitely something you have to try.  http://grillemallburgs.com/  Check them on twitter to find out where they are @grillemalltruck

6. Hodads: Lots of bacon, cheese and grease, really good.  If you head to San Diego it is a must. www.hodadies.com  

7. In N Out: I know they are going nationwide but it still seems SoCal to me and it is so reliable.  Double Double, raw onion, add mustard with animal style fries and Neapolitan shake. 

8. Apple Pan: An LA establishment.  Old school diner, no tables just pull up a seat at the counter get a Hickory Burger and enjoy (10801 W. Pico Blvd., Los Angeles 90064).

9. Tommy's: The original chiliburger, if you are craving chili this is a must (the original is located at 2575 Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles 90057).  

10. Hamburger Hamlet: Don't hate, they make a juicy burger.  I know it is mostly old people but I like the burger.  http://hamburgerhamlet.com/

Team Jack

Cool story about Jack and Rex Burkhead, running back for Nebraska:




And the Follow Up:

 

Must See Shadow Theatre

This is one of the coolest talent acts I have seen, from Britain's Got Talent:

 Even Simon Cowell was touched.

The Most Disappointing TV Event Of The Summer

Why Couldn't You Just Come Back? Now I Have To Move To Seattle.

There I was trembling with excitement and anticipation for the inevitable return of Brooks.  I mean c'mon, I waited through 1:45 minutes of audience interviews, former contestant interviews, Harrison blather and now the moment we have all been waiting for, there is Des waiting on the bluff with gorgeous Antigua ocean views (am I the only one who has been calling it Antigwa for the last 36 years? I digress), beautiful gown, here comes the limo, we all know it's Brooks in that limo, the limo stops the door opens, whatttttttt that is Chris queue the price is right fail music.  

What an epic fail.

The only highlights of the episode were 1) the rose ceremony with Des clearly showing the guys that she was not happy that there are only two roses and them two to give them to (wo that was a lot of two/to's in one sentence) and 2) the breakup with Drew, how awkward was it when they were riding the horses and she asked him what he's been up to: Des: hey Drew you been hangin at the pool; Drew: No not really just in my room and then at the beach Drew: Cheers to being madly in love; Des: Get out of here loser I just lost the love of my life; and 3) the return of Nate; I loved how Chris pretended like he was just meeting him as if he didn't know who Nate was.  All of America know who Nate is and we are all scared poopless of him.   Nate makes Michael G look like a quivering 1st year law student when it comes to cross-examination.    

Des played the "sometimes you have to go through heartbreak to realize that what you have always wanted is right in front of you" card to perfection, and Chris clearly fell for it.  And Harrison in AFTR you couldn't ask Chris the one question we all wanted to hear - Hey Chris how does it make you feel to know that you were Des' second choice? You got Brooks' sloppy seconds on the Catamaran ride that he didn't use and his sloppy seconds on the girl he dumped.  

No way this works out, she doesn't really love him, I could see it in her eyes.  I give it 7 months before US weekly has a picture of them on the cover with a giant split.  I mean what is she going to do the first time Chris' dad tries to penetrate her nose with that giant contraption he used on Chris that is a guaranteed dealbreaker.

The saving grace of the night, you know it baby Who Pablo!  This is gonna be real interesante.   For one it is really going to throw my Bachelor fantasy league for a loop, before it was real easy, just pick the minorities last and you would do well, but now this could all change.  I can't wait to see these awkward blond princesses trying to salsa dance with Who-On Pablo and I don't think Harrison even understands him which should make their little discussions fascinating.

All in All it was an okay season, last week was amazing, but they couldn't follow it up this week.  See you in a few months for "El Soltero".            

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? She Was Running You Idiot!

I Told You I Was Running!

Just when I though ABC couldn't be any lamer with their fake previews they totally redeem themselves.  I was completely transfixed as the "Mormon Heartbreaker" ruined Des' life, but I suppose I should recap the dates with Messieurs irrelevant Drew and Chris.

Drew:
Drew and Des explore Antigua and Drew giggles a lot.  It rains and so they bypass dinner to go to the fantasy suite where Des pretends Drew is Brooks as they make out.

Chris:
Poem, awkward conversation about Seattle, and "watching the stars" at the fantasy suite as Des pretends Chris is Brooks as they make out in the hot tub.  Screw it let's get to the real Drama!

BROOKS:
Touted by Chris Harrison as the TV event of the summer and for once ABC is understated, I would call it the TV event of the decade.  We start off with Brooks traveling to Boise to talk to his mom and sister about his unloving heart.  Well at least this explains the crosses and non-Mormon home they were in last week, it wasn't Brooks' mom's home.   Brooks tells his Mom that while Des is great, his heart just isn't feeling it and unless something changes he is going to dump Des, uh oh!

Brooks makes it to Antigua and instead of Des showing up to pick him up for the date we get Harrison showing up at his cabana.   My nerves were immediately calmed, if Harrison can't fix this no one can. Brooks tries, unsuccessfully, to explain to Harrison how he is feeling.  Harrison ingeniously asks Brooks if he has having a hard time because his parents divorced making it hard for him to commit. Yes, Harrison, you did it, you have broken through Brooks' cold heart and cured 20 years of psychological trauma.  However, Brooks quickly dismisses this idea saying he is ready to be married just not to Des.  Oh man this is not good, if Harrison can't get through to Brooks, Des has no chance.

Oh well, no big deal, maybe Des was just going to pick Chris anyway.  Nevermind.

Queue up Des talking about how excited she is to see Brooks and what they are going to be doing on their date, catamaran, private beach, fantasy suite blah blah blah.  Cruel ABC, just cruel.  

Brooks shows up and Des immediately knows something is wrong.  Brooks hems and haws for about two segments while Des tells him that she is completely devastated.  We also get a glimpse into production as Des tells Brooks that it has always been him and that she loves him.  Brooks asks why she didn't tell him before and she tells him she couldn't, and that was why they did the lame walking/skipping/jogging/running code and she told him she was running and at the finish line.   And I thought their code was just some lame game to avoid breaking down walls and saying how you really feel, no it was just a ploy to trick the Bachelor producers to leave some semblance of drama.

Quick Interlude: Des does know that Brooks has a butthole on his chin right?

Des completely breaks-down, as do I.  This is heartbreaking, why can't people that she loves, love her back?

Brooks is devastated by Des' devastation as he lets us know he wished that she loved Drew or Chris which is quite apparent at this point, that she does not.  Brooks finally gets to the limo and Des heads to the dock to bawl oh wait is she going to walk right off the end of the dock, don't do it Des, don't do it, okay phew she is just going to sit down to cry.

So where does this leave those poor schmucks Drew and Chris.  Obviously they can't be with Des, especially once they see this footage.  There is no way Drew can just giggle this off.  There is no way Chris can get past this with a poem or a nose adjustment.  They may as well pack up as Des is not marrying either of them.

So, what could ABC possibly do for three hours next week?  I have a theory and this may be more like a hope and a prayer but could Brooks change his mind?   I think his cold heart was melted by Des' love for him and he is going to tell that limo to pull over so he can go and rescue his bride to be.   Who knows, but I won't take ABC's claims of most dramatic finale ever for granted ever again.  




    

The Men Try Out As They Tell All

You are Dead to Us James and Ben and Mikey and Jonathan and Whoever Screws Over Des the Next Two Weeks

So the "Tell All" has really turned into one big audition to become the next Bachelor, and the winner IMO is....Zack.  Well played right down to the song "moving on".   I don't see any of the final 3 becoming the next Bachelor because A) Chris' dad and family is too weird; B) Drew is auditioning to become the first Gaychelor airing on LOGO; and C) Brooks is looking like he may be a villain who will immediately be tossed into the blender with James/Ben/Jonathan/Mikey.

The only other alternative....you guessed it our man Who Juan.  Personally I think this could end up being amazing TV, but I'm not sure ABC is ready to go Telenovela with its most important franchise.

Why are we investing in alternative forms of energy when we could just harvest the wind from all of the middle-aged head-shaking at the "tell all" and power generations of Americans?

Harrison and ABC your biggest Bachelor/ette fan is here and I am ready for you to crash my viewing party, if you too want to see this start tweeting @chrisbharrison #jbjviewingparty, everyone who tweets gets invited to the party.  I think I would die if Catherine and Sean showed up at my crib, I would even settle for Pavelka and Harrison you can creepily peer into my window any time.  

Before she had to go to the hot seat Des sat down with some former Bachelorettes for advice.  Ali sure has a lot to say for someone who went on the show and then left right before the end in order to save her job.  Emily sure has a lot to say for someone who was sexting Matt Leinart while still with One F Jef.   And did you notice that Ashley didn't get one word in, why was she there?

Hilarious, Diogo doesn't get to patricipate in the Men Tell All because he can't get through the metal detector.

First up on the hot seat our Father of the Year, Ben.  Uh oh Brad drops the bomb that Ben's baby momma says he is not a great father and only recently took an interest in young Brody.  I am not buying that, he seemed so sincere with Desiree.

Next up Invisible Brian.  Brian where are you?  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  We learned that you were dating a former playboy model, that you slept with her 2 days before the show and that she threw rocks at you; Respect.  

Next up James.  James this is your big chance to prove to America that you should be the next Bachelor.  Uh oh this is not going well, blame it on Mikey, blame it on Mikey.  Oh no, Now Mikey is standing up threatening Kasey #abouttocry for making him US Weekly fodder as if that is a bad thing.  Objection hearsay; Objection Hearsay.  Michael G, I got this, allow JBJ to step in, this is an exception to hearsay as an admission and declaration against interest under Cal. Evid. Code Section 1220 Et Seq.   More booing and off you go James, well at least you will always have Plan B, you and Mikey in intimate settings on a boat.    

Who Pablo is up next.  This guy is beloved, and rightfully so.  What a great father, I mean he spends all his weekends with his daughter.  In case you were wondering who is the mother, JBJ has your back:

Desiree Who?

I don't think Who Pablo is going to be needing to be the next Bachelor to find true love.

Finally we get Zack in the hot seat and we break out an invisible pen light to read his thoughts on love. Prediction: That journal is undoubtedly going to be seen again.  I wonder what Chris has to say about Zack's poem, it wasn't too shabby.  I haven't seen so many dudes reading and writing poetry since Robin Williams inspired a group of young men to Carpe Diem.  

Des now joins the men on stage and is quite chippy in letting the guys know what insincere pricks they are. Can we get onto the previews and the postgame reaction from the yayhoos in the audience.  

Oh the previews.  According to the previews ABC wants us to believe the following: Drew is eliminated; Brooks breaks up with Des; Chris shows up to the engagment only for Des to let him know her heart is not in it as she still loves Brooks and the show ends with Des heartbroken and alone.  Something tells me we are being duped.  (That something is my experience such as Des' boyfriend confronting Sean or One of the guys getting punched out this year; etc. etc.).   The good news is we still get 2 more weeks of must watch true love.

P.S. ABC, are you serious with the audience cougars giving their reactions to the previews?  Really weird.

I Could Use A Nose Adjustment

Hopefully This Will Prepare Me For the Next Couple of Weeks

Weirdest/Oddest/Funniest Scenes From Hometown Week:
- Chris' dad giving Des a massage errrrr adjustment and then putting a large contraption up his son's nose so that he could have focus to make such important decisions as asking a girl to marry him.  Why is it that Chiropracters are more persistent and have more conviction about their craft than a Mormon Missionary? Did anyone else notice that they cut the scene from last week's previews where Chris' dad tucked Des' shirt into her pants as he flipped her upside down?  I had been waiting all week to see that.

- Drew breaking his sister out the back door of the home where she is living.  Is there a reason you couldn't just go to the front door?

- Zack having the limo pull to the side of the road so he could throw the ring he got out of a box of Cap n' Crunch out the window.  Why not pawn it, or better yet save it for when you are the Bachelor?

- The long awaited return of Nate left him lurking behind a wall at the Beverly Hilton as the guys came in one by one.  Does the Hilton not have security?  I so bad wanted Nate to jump out from behind the wall and yell Boo as Drew came in so he could scream like a little girl.

- Zack driving a pedomobile while dressed in a penguin costume.


Other Highlights:
- ABC did a fabulous job sprucing up Liberty Park.  ABC probably could have made Pioneer Park look like the Garden of Eden.

- What is Brooks' religion?  The house had a cross up and for those who don't know Mormons don't do crosses.   Michael G referenced a Mormon going to mass earlier in the show, could it have been James rather than Brooks?

- Any doubts we had about Drew's sexuality were quickly resolved when he greeted Des with his tightly fitted pink button-up.


Still to Come:
- Is Des going to quit when Brooks dumps her?  ABC is doing their best to make it look like Drew is going to let her know that unless she wants to re-enact The Crying Game that he is out, but IMO Brooks is going to be the one to break her heart.

- Michael G is actively preparing his trial brief, witness and exhibit list, jury instructions and cross examination for the "Guys Tell All".  

Michael G Convicted of Being a Momma's Boy and Chris Has A Large Ball%*)!

Did Someone Misplace a Sack of Balls?

Generally the week before hometowns is one of the more boring weeks of the show.  At this point the real crazies are usually gone and you don't have the families to provide extra drama and weirdness.

However, this episode was immediately spiced up with the return of Catherine, Leslie and Jackie to discuss and ogle Des' men.  Did Catherine really just ask who had the biggest sack of ball?  It was bleeped but upon further review it appeared to be two words.  Worst case scenario she asked about the size of the boy's friend Richard.   And apparently Chris is the largest, wait a sec, how does Des know this there hasn't even been a fantasy suite yet?

And why was Jackie flown to Madeira?  To give advice on how to never be on camera until you lose a 2 on 1 date because you try to tattle on the token villain.

Catherine I too was voted most huggable for my generous bosom.

One on One: Brooks
Walking, Jumping, Skipping, Running, Crawling, Bouncing, Crabwalking, Finish Line.  Huh?  Did I miss something?  Let me tell you the proper sequence: Declare your abounding love, Fantasy suite session, Neil Lane.  Brooks why are you making this so complicated?  Des wants to marry you, so what if you have to wait 6 months to go to the temple due to your alcohol consumption just get it done.

P.S. Nice cloud 9 reference.  Best play on words since pilot Jake Pavelka's season and the constant playing of "On the Wings of Love"  

One on One: Chris
Let me guess Chris is going to read a poem, what a shocker.  The poetry thing has officially jumped the shark, you need a new move my man.  I did like when they tried to write a poem together and Des threw out a line and Chris just talked over her with your own line, Des needed to know to leave the poetry writing to the professionals.  

Two on One: Zack and Drew
Drew could you have been more pathetic in the race with Zack.  Zack could have finished, taken Des to dinner, showed her his abs and junk and got back before you finished.

So the internet is ablaze with the Drew is gay propaganda.  I am not buying it, oh wait why is he giggling like a 11 year old girl, stop I refuse to believe this, he would never do that to Des.  They love each other.

We all know it is only a matter of time until Gay Bachelor and perhaps we have found our first Gaychelor.

One on One: Michael G Money
Wait a second Michael G might actually be a normal dude.  He is coming off way too sincere isn't there someone he can convict?  I miss the cross-examining Michael.

G, Let me get this straight: 1) Federal Prosecutor; 2) Graduated Magna Cum Laude from Law School; 3) Live in South Beach; 4) Wealthy; and 5) Good Looking.  All of this and when you got the boot you were reduced to calling your mommy from the back of the limo to cry, maybe I'm just not meant to be married, no one will ever love me, waaaaaaaaahhhh. C'mon G, get it together you are giving us barristers a bad name.

P.S.  I thought you couldn't have your cellphone on the show?

Hometowns next week.  I can't wait to see Des visit Temple Square and apparently Chris' dad is going to be getting intimate with Des and last but not least the return of Des' brother Nate.  If you don't know Nate just wait (I'm starting to sound like Chris) he is a Bachelor/ette icon.

I Appeal!

Said James, as his case was dismissed by Michael G Money.   Can you believe that James' last name is Case.  How ironic (in the Alanis Morissette form of ironic) that the guys led by their lead counsel G Money made a Case against James Case and got him sent packing.

I only want to be the Bachelor if I get sent home, but if Des keeps me then of course I will love her, how do you guys not get it?

 
James you will be missed:

Something was definitely in the Spanish air this week.  We had heavy petting, heated arguments, penises and a devastating cross-examination.

One on One: Drew
How has it been like 8 or 9 weeks and Drew hasn't had the chance to dump any baggage on Des until this week.  Sure enough he grew up with an alcoholic father who has cancer.  Nobody knows he has cancer, oh wait now 34 million people know, oooops.  Des thanked Drew for feeling comfortable enough to tell her about his dad's alcoholism as she polished off her glass of wine.

The date did have a cool vibe as they drink from arbitrary water taps (last time I did that I got Giardia) and walked through sketchy back alleys with perfectly painted graffiti and random musicians strumming their guitars.  I got to give it to Drew with the run from the camera move, that was awesome, you could tell the camera man was trippin (no pun intended) as they sprinted away to get in some heavy petting which thank goodness we got to see because it was superhot.  

Drew ends the date by breaking the James news to Des which causes Des to slip into an expletive laced tirade.   Drew a word or two of advice: when you are heavy petting don't steer the conversation to some meathead who wants to hook up with lots of women on a boat in Chicago, it causes the heavy petting to stop.

Nonetheless, Drew made a serious move this week and gauging by the previews he is a legit frontrunner, and don't worry we'll get to the previews I watched them 17 times including several times frame by frame.

Group Date: Kickin It With Des
It is soccer time and time for Who Pablo to shine.  The guys take on a 7th grade girls soccer team and get crushed due to James being the worst goalie in the history of soccer.  James hasn't looked that terrified since he was told that his local grocery store was no longer carrying L.A. Looks hair gel and Axe body spray.

Uh oh, Mormon Brooks just dropped an F bomb.  The last Mormon to go F bomb was of course Jef with 1 F and we all know that relationship ended in heartbreak so let's clean it up Brooks.    

Chris and Des have a very strange and hard to follow conversation which is topped off with a beautiful poem from Des, these two are beautiful together.  BTW Des I hate nit pick, but in your poem you said "sparks have grown" to that you could rhyme something with home.  I think sparks usually fly not grow and grow doesn't really rhyme with home anyway, so maybe you should have went with "the sparks have flied and without your love I would have died" or something like that.

Meanwhile, next store Michael G is playing Kasey like a little puppet to get him to confront James which he does like a little sheep.

Why are most lawyers such bags?  Michael G Money just cannot help himself as he jumps into the fray with his own cross-examination of James.  James tries to interpose an objection by telling G Money that he is trying to introduce inadmissible hearsay into this case to which G Money quickly overrules the objection as what he is saying is clearly one of the exceptions to hearsay.

In the end James is able to stay one more night so that he can tangle some more with the guys.  James accomplishes this by letting the water works go and letting Des know that Mikey was the one who led the conversation and that Mikey was probably just "self medicating" with guy talk since he hadn't had a one on one date.  That was enough for Des and she lets him head back to the hotel where he can barely fit through the elevator door.  As he walks in you have to go and watch Kasey's face as he lets out a big gulp knowing his health is in jeopardy.     

One on One: Zack and Some Dude's Schlong

What is more orange: Zack's skin or Des' jacket?

Des and Zack head to an art studio to do some drawing.  Zack draws an absolutely hideous portrait of Des and then a skinny Euro is brought out with no clothes on.  The look on Zack's face was priceless and for some reason the instructor is pointing at skinny Eurodude's wiener.

Zack decides to break the ice by pretending that he will now be showing Des his junk only to have a pair of tighty whiteys on.  Admittedly I paused it and either Zack put the microphone equipment in there or a tuna can, you be the judge.


Back At The Hotel:
The James drama is heating up.  James asks to speak to Drew and Drew has apparently been apprenticing under the master G Money as he handles himself quite well in the argument.

All of the dudes are then chilling in a room and James comes in and squeezes himself right up next to G Money who isn't amused.  Chris starts him off and of course G Money finishes him and if you didn't catch it you have to watch G Money wink at the other dudes as he is about to take over the cross examination, like don't worry I got this, this is what I do.  After G Money finishes James he is left to run away with his tail tucked between his legs..

Des comes back and talks to James again as the guys stalk them from the balcony and James almost convinces her to keep him around, but in the end James, Kasey and Who Pablo get the boot.

How does Who Pablo get cut in the only land where it would have been appropriate for her to say "Aceptas Esta Rosa"?  Not cool.  How is Michael G really still around?


STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WATCH THE PREVIEWS!!!!!!

Previews:
Okay a few points:

The limo shots: Chris daytime, Brooks daytime, G Money night and Zack night.  No limo shot for Drew.

When Des goes to see Brooks, that was not his house in Utah.  How do I know?  The only tiled stairs in Utah are at the baptismal font.  We all know that it is too dangerous with that many kids running around to have tiled stairs.

ABC wants us to believe that Drew dumps Des.  I am predicting a lot of out of context quotes from that preview.

Someone was holding a ring and it looked like spray tan Zack.

Harrison Might Be Out of a Job

Awkward!

So this week we got to see a real sausage fest as the show moved to Germany.   Quick question, why do all of the guys have the same style jacket but in different colors?  Do I need to get one of those, am  I missing something?

One on One: Chris and Des and Bryden

The one on one was your typical play dress up and then go dance in a public place but it got interesting when Bryden finally snapped.  

Bryden leaves the hotel and starts asking randoms if they speak English so they can tell him if they have seen a camera crew.  Finally he finds some English speakers and they tell him to go to the town square.   Bryden then joins the circle of stalkers who are watching two Americans act like idiots in love.

Cryden then interrupts the dancing and tells Des that he is leaving.  I hope this wasn't an attempt to get her to beg him to stay because Des couldn't have cared less.  

At the end of the evening Chris and Des have one of the most tender moments in Bachelorette history when Chris breaks out some legit poetry.  This certainly wasn't some lame "right reasons right reasons i'm here for all four seasons", he sounded like Shakespeare Jr. and it brought Des and JBJ to tears.  

Group Date: Sledding and the Yodeler

For the group date the boys get to go up a large tram and do some sledding.  On the ride up the tram we literally heard 18,420 OMG's. At the top of the mountain we meet Harrison's replacement "The Yodeler".  Why would anyone go to Harrison for advice, when The Yodeler has marriage pegged, he has been married 38 years and when asked for his sage wisdom on how to make a marriage work he says that the woman does whatever he says. Genius! How have I not thought of this it is so simple yet so profound.

After the sledding they all go to an ice cave where Des makes out with most of them and we learn that Zack once sat atop this same mountain to meditate and learned that he should not be a priest; we also learn that Mikey wants to have a snowman family of five (shocking that he got booted).  After the snowman debacle Des knew she would not even need a cocktail party as Mikey was done. 

2 on 1: Ben is convicted of fraud and impersonation of a Southern Gentleman

For the 2 on 1 Michael G the federal prosecutor and Ben the Christian, southern gentleman, single dad go head to head.  For the date they go out on a freezing lake in a floating hot tub.  Props ABC if you are going to force us watch a cold weather locale find a way to get the hot tub involved.  Did anyone else notice that they had a thermos floating in the water.  With the contestants on this show would you really want to drink from a thermos that has been floating in gonorrhea infested waters.  

Michael G gets it cracking by acting like a typical tool lawyer who is taking it upon himself to cross-examine Ben, but in the end it works and Ben is convicted of being a fraud and on the way to the slammer (in the limo) he admits it by asking how long he has to wait to be seen in public with women as he is ready to party.  Keep it classy Ben.  

My big question is how was Des able to see through Ben, the fact that he doesn't get along with the others in the house never gets you sent home (Courteney, Tierra, Vienna, Bentley etc...).  Did ABC know she was going to do that?  I'm sure they were not pleased with her decision.   

Prior to the rose ceremony we learn that Drew and Kasey overheard James and Mikey discussing how they were now going to be running Chigago.  With their new-found fame they are going to set up a business wherein a boat that will take people to intimate settings.  How did I not think of this first, they are going to own Chicago.  James, any chance you will be franchising this business name your price and I am in to start the LA site of "Intimate Boat Settings R Us".  

Can't wait to see Who Pablo in Espana next week.  

What Would Ray Lewis Do?

This week we had the 2013 version of the White Bronco as Patriot tight end Aaron Hernandez was followed  by a helicopter as he has come under scrutiny for the murder of Odin Lloyd:


            


Aaron is likely to be arrested for obstruction of justice for destroying footage from his home security system, but Aaron I wouldn't trip.  Ray Lewis has given you the roadmap from obstruction of justice/possible homicide to Hero/ESPN employee:

1. Do not talk to authorities, take your obstruction charge on keep it moving.
2. Find God and anytime you are asked about the murder keep it very vague, ambiguous and play the God Card.  For example during an interview prior to the Super Bowl Ray Lewis was asked by Shannon Sharpe regarding the murder: The families of the slain men find it difficult to see you be idolized by millions of fans, believing you know more about the killings than you have shared, what would you say to the families? Lewis replied "God has never made a mistake.  That's just who he is, you see....to the family, if you knew, if you really knew the way God works.  He don't use people who commits anything like that for His glory."  A perfect answer, I suggest you right that on your hand.
3. Have 6 kids with 4 women.  When asked about it see No. 2 above.
4. Catch a lot of passes.
5. Win a super bowl.

Follow these simple steps and in 15 years you will be a hero and likely be working as an analyst for ESPN.

Speaking of analysts for ESPN, why is ESPN going to Attorney Roger Cossacks for legal analysis when you have Ray Lewis on staff?  I dare say Ray Lewis has much more in depth analysis he could give regarding Obstruction of Justice/Homicide than Cossacks.

Bachelorette Recap: The Meathead Edition

So the show begins with Harrison informing the guys that they are headed to Jersey.  It really couldn't be more fitting with the number of meatheads still on the show.

Honestly can you tell the difference:

 

vs.

 


The Bachelors should fit in perfectly in Jersey.


One on One: Brad

So Brad's Domestic Violence arrest wasn't enough to keep him from getting the first one on one date, but his lack of ability to put words together to make a sentence was his undoing, and he doesn't make it to the rose ceremony.  Des takes him to the highest possible spot to break the news that he will not be getting a rose, just in case he wants to jump.  Oh and Brad was that really the first time you have tried taffy? Really?

Group Date: Mr. America

What a great idea for a group date, a Mr. America pageant.  Especially on the day following this debacle (no pressure guys):

UTAH ALWAYS REPRESENTIN (and it is not the dumbest answer ever, that title still belongs to Miss Teen South Carolina)

Back to the Mr. Bachelor competition.
The first part of the competition is the question/answer and we learn a lot about the gentleman:
1) Kasey is a giver, apparently he has not learned from Michael Douglas' revelation and could soon be contracting cancer.
2) Chris' worst quality is not taking girls out to dinner as much as necessary.  Sex Addict, Alcoholic, Liar, Druggie we can deal with but a Lack of Dinner TakerOuter not that is a deal breaker.
3) Who Pablo also has a kid.  Who on this show doesn't have kids?  This group of Bachelors has spread more seed than a wheat farmer.
4) Brooks wants to be a lion which apparently to Des is the funniest joke she has ever heard?
5) Mikey is not just a piece of meat but has feelings (he then proceeds on the talent portion to do a strip show and upside down pushups, way to drive your point home).

In the end Kasey wins Mr. America but Zak gets the rose perhaps because of this:

I'm The Full Package

After the talent show we get the mandatory Benhateathon, Ben is Mean, Ben talks more about his bar than his son, Ben is a liar, Ben is not here for the right reasons, Ben talks to Des in front of us waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

We also are transported back to the hotel where James is getting ready for his date by taking a bubble bath and eating chocolate covered strawberries?  I can't believe he stole my daily routine.    

One on One: James
James shows up and learns that the date will be seeing the horrific destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy.  I don't see this leading to a fantasy suite.  The good news for James is I doubt she will bounce you on a date like this, in fact sharing this experience should buy you a couple of weeks.

We get to meet Manny and Jan whose house was destroyed by the hurricane and Des and James so graciously agree to give their date to Janny.   So cute.   ABC spends 40 minutes showing Janny having a great time but in the end sends them back to their wreck of a home.  Hey if they wanted their home fixed they should have went on Extreme Home Makeover rather than the Bachelorette.    

James and Des decide to get some pizza and a beer where James lets Des know that he cheated on his girlfriend.  Uh oh!  That definitely hit a nerve you could see it all over Des' face.  He just blew all the goodwill the service date had got him because all girls know, once a cheater always a cheater.   James and Des joing Manny and Jan with Hootie and what do you know James The Cheater starts dancing with Jan right in front of Des, the guy has no shame.      

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Michael G: Has a gesture for Des and he spells her name on white paper D is for down to earth E is for Easy to talk to and S is for smile and lastly G the last letter of my last name stands for great if things worked out for us.  Des tells him he is soooo funny.  She better not be serious.  There was nothing funny about that.  Michael check this: M-oron; I-diot; C-ouldn't be more lame; H-urry up and get booted; A-bsolutely stupid gesture you just did; E-asily the worst gesture I have ever seen other than Kasey getting a tattoo for Ali;
L-oser.  

Bryden: Pity party, plays the I might not accept the rose if I don't get more time with her card and then gets a rose and accepts it.

In the end Zack K surprisingly gets sent packing.  He didn't seem to get much of a chance and seemed like a normal dude, oh wait he is crying, maybe not as normal as I had hoped for.

Next up Germany and the revelation that Ben and James are not there for Des but rather to be the next Bachelor.  No me digas.  Someone should tell them that it never works like that, just ask Ali.  



i

I Think We Found Our Next Bachelorette....Stephanie (Brian's Girlfriend)

We Slept Together Even Though I Threw Rocks At You!

Let's get straight to the important stuff, one of my favorite people ever to appear on the Bachelor/ette series, Stephanie.  Des gets a call from Harrison telling her he needs to see her immediately down at the house.  It must be every Bachelorette's worst nightmare to pick up your phone and see Harrison on the caller ID as you know drama is about to ensue.

Des get's to the Bachelor house and goes outside to talk to Brian about his past relationships.   Brian seems oblivious to the fact that he is being set up when our dear girl Stephanie (Brian's girlfriend) comes storming through the house and out to the patio to confront Brian.  We learn that Brian slept with Stephanie after she threw rocks at his face because he was leaving on a business trip (aka The Bachelorette).

I don't really see why Brian was kicked off, who wouldn't break up with a girl that throws rocks at your face.  Who really throws rocks past the 3rd grade?

My idea for the next Bachelorette would be to have Stephanie handing out roses and when you get eliminated she throws a rock at you, it would be must see TV.

As for the rest of the show:

Brooks: Breaks his finger playing dodgeball and is treated like he lost a limb.  Multiple paramedics, ambulances, tubes up the nose.  It was straight out of Tierra's handbook, I mean put a splint on it and move on.  Let's hope he can get that splint removed before fantasy suite season arrives.

Michael G: Is stoked that there are 9 great dudes going on the group date.

Brad: Has a 3 year old kid and a domestic violence rap.  Nothing out of the ordinary here let's give him a rose.  

Kasey: Went on one of the most awkward dates in the show's history and despite being in the middle of a Tsunami tried to make out with Des.  #awkward

Who Pablo: Wins the fake fight challenge and gets a chance to plug the Lone Ranger for ABC.  During the plug he makes out with Des while they both have popcorn in their mouth.   Des you really need to stop speaking Spanish when you give Who the rose.   You keep saying "I will accept that rose".

James: Convinces Des to give him a rose because his dad has cancer.

Bryden: For being such a brave soldier you really are a wuss when it comes to making a move on Des.  

Ben: Steals Des away for a car ride and makeout.  He is playing the Vienna/Courteney/Tierra role perfectly, well done.

Mikey: Wants to kill Ben.

Brandon: We kinda knew Brandon was a little crazy/stalkerish form talking about squishing butterflies to spying on Des from a deck.  Des did the right thing setting him free but I didn't see her give him back his mother's 7 year sober chip.  That sucks he loses the girl and the chip and tells us his heart was just smashed with a hammer and that he is out of tears....ouch, that was hard to watch.  


So the two hottest guys in my mind are Drew and California Zak neither of which has gotten much time, I expect them to have their coming out party this week.  Can't wait for more drama to unfold.  

My Reasons Are Right; My Reasons Are Right; This Recap Is Simply Out of Sight

In honor of the Soulja Boy rap episode I will go ahead and rap the summary (BTW ABC you may have wanted to research what "Superman That Ho" means before you cast Soulja Boy, let's just say I don't know if Supermanning a Ho is conducive to finding true and everlasting love).

One on One: Brooks
Brooks got the first date; and the date was first rate.
Went to the Hollywood sign; Des you lookin fine.
No No don't go past the road block; would you like to see my &*(&?
My dad moved away and I can cry; I've got this in the bag the other dudes shouldn't even try.

Group Date: Right Reasons Right Reasons I'm Here For You Girl Through All 4 Seasons
Soulja Boy here to teach you to rap; I will be shocked if this isn't crap
Oh no Juan Pablo; Did you just yell Superman that ho?
Mikey and Michael have an obsession with Ben; Almost seems that they might like men
James tried to rhyme like a true meathead; it appears that between the ears he is nothing but dead
Brandon showed his schlong; Did he just get blurred oh man that is wrong
For Will This Should be a great chance; Oh wait nevermind the brother can't dance

One on One: Bryden: Malibu/Camarillo/Ojai
A drive through Malibu with lunch at Neptune's Net; Not a bad day for the Iraq vet
On to an orange grove in Camarillo; Look behind the tree is that jonobeingjono
Des asked Bryden if he liked the cheese brie; And Bryden was left to wonder who is she?
At dinner he showed pictures of a horrible crash; Are you going to eat that or throw it in the trash?
On to the tub oh man this is weird; Is the kiss ever coming as Bryden just leered


Inevitably week one is always a pissing contest to see who has the most baggage, the worst disease, the most neglectful parents or the most devastating injury.  This year is no different there were multiple run away dads, a drug addict mom, Diabetes and a single dad.  Since when did letting someone know how messed up you are become attractive?

Poor Michael G didn't get to finish his story about when his mommy called him about his diabetes because Ben kept interrupting him.  Michael G and Ben this is the Bachelorette not the Bachelor you two looked exactly like Ashlee and Tierra from last season.

In the end we say goodbye to Will (it was good to see the Bachelor/ette getting back to the norm and getting rid of the minorities after week 1); Nick M. (not sure who he was); Robert (back to sign twirling buddy, and FYI I just invented these signs off the freeway we are calling them billboards); Mike R (who?).

Next week looks great as we might get to see the fake fight ABC has been touting and somebody's girlfriend shows up which is always entertainment gold.

Calling On All DESbians the Bachelorette is Back!

I just want to find my knight in Shining Armor

So, the blog has had a two month hiatus since that magical moment when SeanCat got together (I am eagerly awaiting their TV marriage despite the breakup rumors which I know are a media fabrication).  BTW ABC, why not do an eight week season leading up to the marriage where we could watch all of the wedding preparation and crazy hi-jinks that would undoubtedly follow? Call me if you need an EP, I truly believe that JBJP (JonoBeingJonoProductions) would put RSP (Ryan Seacrest Productions) to shame.

Okay, back to the matter at hand America's sweetheart Des chasing that ever-elusive fairy tale with a bunch of creeps.

Let's meet some of the Bachelors:

Ben: Brings his kid to the show, the kid that he apparently had with a friend. Red Flag? Nope it got him the first rose, genius move emotional scarring be damned.  I loved that as soon as he got the rose he starts dishing advice to everyone else..... just be yourself......don't force it.......get time with her.  Great advice, very helpful.

Brad: Brought the wishbone,  who doesn't find animal bones sexy?

Brandon: Flipped his mother's 7 years sober chip to decide whether to audition for the show or go to a birthday party and miraculously it came up with go to the audition.  He then gave the 7 year sober chip to Des to give back to him mom during the hometown dates.  Uh ok, a little intense for my liking.       

Brooks: What is the bachelor/ette without a Mormon.  I wouldn't count him out he was kinda cute with Des with a 2nd hug and Mormons always do well on the show (ie Bentley & Jef).  

Bryden: Iraq war vet, was there any question he wasn't getting a rose on Memorial Day especially after we learned of his affinity for random Iraqi children. 

Chris: Got down on one knee and asked Des if he could tie his shoe ohhhhh, almost got us, we thought you were getting engaged.  It was a decent effort at Bachelorette humor.  

Diogo: Poor poor poor Diogo.  Homey stepped out in shining armor and couldn't even get a rose, and in the end tells us that he has an explosion of love and feelings inside of him.  At least she could pronounce your name Diogo, pronunciation didn't go quite so well for Juan Pablo. 

Juan Pablo: Or is it Janparro, Juanpardo.  So classic and then to help Des pronounce it he tells her to say "who" now Juan Pablo Des followed with Whopablo, oh well he is a hot soccer player which gets you a rose.    

Drew: He is hot, I don't know what else to say at this point, likely frontrunner.

Jonathan: Jonathan the lawyer (coincidence, I think not, he has similar game to myself) offered Des the opportunity to proceed directly to the fantasy suite.  It actually was a cute idea if he didn't take it so seriously and then bring it up 14 more times during the night which got him the pre-rose ceremony boot, a true honor.   

Kasey: Mr. Hashtag.  #howdidhegetarose #douchebag #turningeveryeventintoahashtagissoplayedandissuperlame

Larry: Tried to dip Des and she ripped her dress which caused Larry to obsess about "the dip" all night.  Larry, you are a doctor, why not talk more about your income and less about the dip.  He actually seemed funny, should have got a rose.   

Micah: Designed his own suit and got bounced.  

Mikey:  Gave some real in depth anyalysis "my biggest competition is the remaining guys who don't have a rose."  This guy is smart and has the strategy down, watch out.

Nick R: How does a magician not last week one?  What girl wouldn't want to be a magician's assistant it certainly beats being a SAHM.  

Robert:  Invented directional advertising.  To be honest I'm not sure this is really an invention, but I guess I'll give it to him.     

Will:  Don't hate on Will, if you aren't willing to high five randoms in the street then you are just a glass half empty negative Nancy.   

Zack: Likes to show his naked body and showed up with no shirt.  A word of advice if you are going to try and look cool by jumping off a cliff you need to lose the aqua socks.   Why could he have not made it to the rose ceremony, I so bad wanted to see where Des was going to pin that rose can you imagine the discomfort as she tries to pin it somewhere in his nether regions.   

Should be an exciting season, I personally am a DESbian and can't wait for her to find true love and ABC almost made those fistfights look real.

P.S. For those interested in my fantasy league I drafted Brooks, Micah and Zack.

She Got Her Beefcake

Gold Beats Silver

The episode begins with the typical kooks in the audience and then Harrison lets us know that there is some late breaking news that ABC has just learned in the last 24 hours.  What could it be......Lindsay is pregnant.......Sean and Catherine eloped, how am I going to wait three hours for this.

Pan to Sean with his family and his nephew letting him know that he is a loser and that Emily didn't pick him, classic.

Meet the Family:
Catherine meets the fam, and I think she forgot her shoes.  The meeting goes great and Sean's Dad steals the show, this guy needs his own show.

Lindsay meets the fam, and she forgot to apply tatt-off.  The meeting also goes great with Sean's Dad once again stealing the show.  Sean's mom awkwardly asks what they have been doing, well you know we have just been hooking up non stop errrrrr I mean feeding monkeys.   The fam also asks her about the wedding dress incident on night one, to which she gives an awkward giggle, well you know a little too much champagne hahahahaha.  Lindsay ends the family meeting by asking Sean's dad for his son's hand in marriage, good one Lindsay you are a regular Jerry Seinfeld.

Sean's mom proceeds to break down and let Sean know he is going to have to put a lot of thought into this, sound advice, she better put a lockdown on her hubby because as soon as he leaves her he is America's No. 1 most eligible Bachelor.

Sean and Lindsay Date:
Sean and Lindsay go floating on a river and Sean informs her that Myanmar is on the other side of the river and Laos is up where the mountains are.  Trust me Lindsay has no clue what you are talking about.  Sean and Lindsay make some fake hand binoculars and giggle, oh they are so much fun together.  Back to the suite where Lindsay has crafted some love themed lanterns (she stole that idea from Ashleigh's season).  They release the lanterns, make out some more and Sean leaves.  Pretty boring date for the final two.    

Sean and Catherine Date:
Sean and Catherine go Elephant riding and are being their cute selves.  They head back to the Suite and Catherine finally lets those ever important walls down and gives Sean a touching I Love You to which he responds "I had a great day" which sends Catherine into a crying panic attack following by some stalking, but  it worked.

Studio Audience/Losers Analysis:
Harrison gets two women from the audience to break it down for us and they let us know that he has such great chemistry with both and that it could be either one of them that gets picked.  Wow, thanks for the in depth analysis, I didn't realize that he was going to pick one of them.

On to the losers, Leslie lets us know it will be Catherine and tries to make a funny joke about multiplying haha.  Sarah, Ashlee and some girl named Jackie, who was allegedly on the show, all say it will be Lindsay.  Harrison awkwardly proceeds to ask Ashlee why the remaining girls were better than her.  Harrison, have you not heard that she has abandonment issues, leave the poor girl alone.  

(ABC I am not falling for this note, don't even try it)

The Engagement/Breakup:
Finally the moment we have all been waiting for, I am breathless, heart racing, palms sweating.  The girls and Sean are getting ready and we can easily determine that Sean definitely has a bigger rack than Lindsay, this could be problematic for her.

Lindsay lets us know that this is everything she has ever wanted and that it was dangling right in front of her
(Insert Sean dangling in front of her joke, this is almost as easy as Catherine saying she was going out on a limb)

First out of the Mitsubishi Montero (wait a second is that a foot tat) why yes it is Lindsay, oh and she also has a wrist tat, umm why have we not seen this before, talk about clever editing.
Strike 1: Wedding dress getting out of the limo
Strike 2: Too much champagne night one
Strike 3: Multiple tats
and she is out.

Lindsay asks Sean was it me?  No it wasn't you it was the multiple tattoos and the fact that you got out of the limo in a wedding dress, but it had nothing to do with you.  Lindsay rips off her high heels and heads for the Mitsubishi (ABC if you're not going to spring for a Limo could you at least go with an Escalade or a Tahoe), I half expected Lindsay to throw her hair up into a pony and reveal that she had  a t-shirt and sweats on underneath.  She is obviously devastated, I mean they fed monkeys together.

Finally Harrison delivers the letter we have been waiting for and shockingly ABC got us again, it wasn't Catherine dumping Sean but rather a beautiful love note.

Finally arriving is my dear sweet Catherine, I gotta give it to her she looks great and she has a golden smile.  I feel it necessary to remind you of my blog from January 29, 2013 and I quote: "Why is Catherine not getting any love?  She is absolutely my favorite.  She has the cutest face of anyone left and she is comedy gold.  Let me remind you of some her classic quotes: "Oh Tierrable", "I'm vegan but I love the beef", About Kacie B showing up in week 1 "animal attack on the eyeballs".  Catherine if it doesn't work out with Sean I would love to have you as a guest poster on JBJ."

I am not giving myself enough credit, I could not have been more right.

I must admit my heart melted a bit during the proposal it was the most beautiful and dramatic proposal in Bachelor history.  And Tierra's eyebrow has nothing on Catherine's nostrils which went nuts during the proposal, but what do you expect no one can control their nostrils without botox or perhaps a nose job.  In honor of the nostril flaring I have started a twitter page to compete with @TierrasEyebrow it is @cathys_nostril so go ahead and give it a follow for any updates on the nostrils.

Alright lets get to this late breaking news and it is: Sean and Catherine will be getting married at an undetermined date on TV.  You can't be serious with this one Harrison.  Tell me this is not what you were hyping for the last three hours, alas that is our breaking news (insert sound of overbidding on the showcase showdown on price of right).

Last but not least we learn that Des is the next Bachelorette, she should be pretty entertaining and just imagine when the final two have to meet Nate, look out.  My brother is a finalist and if he does make it and Des comes to our hometown I can't wait to give her the Nate treatment and call her nothing but a playgirl.


Well, it has been a truly epic season filled with drama, romance and in the end true love.  Until the Bachelorette starts in May I may have to find some other shows to blog about, judging from the commercials tonight Preachers' Daughters looks like a good candidate.  Until next time just remember that if your relationship is not as exciting as Sean and Catherine's you are a failure destined for breakup and/or divorce.

JBJ

Women Tell All: The Sparkle Is Back

I Am Awesome

Who Loves the Bachelor? Yay
Who Loves Sean? Yayyyyyyy
Who Loves Sean With His Shirt Off? Did two girls in the audience really just high five, oh yes they did.

The episode begins with Harrison and Sean hitting the road in a party bus to ambush some viewing parties.  I love how Harrison was talking like they were undercover spies, whispering to Sean to come on as if the people at the party had no idea they were coming.

The sorority house got somewhat interesting as the girls went JBJ at Lake Havasu circa 1995 with a "take it off" chant.  Their chant works and frat boy Sean takes it off.  I am already planning my chant for  Des when she and Harrison come to my viewing party for next season's Bachelorette.

Anyone else notice that there wasn't a single dude at the viewing parties?  Am I the only man in America who can appreciate true love?

In a new twist Bachelor producers are letting us listen in on conversations which are taking place while the show is supposedly not live, ewwwww how edgy we are getting such inside information I feel like a Hollywood Insider.  

Finally the moment we are all waiting for Tierrable the Tierraorist is going to make her appearance.  After a stern lecture from Harrison about hearing her out Tierra joins him on stage to a smattering of claps.

10 things we learned from Tierra in the hotseat:
1) Tierra is misunderstood.
2) AshLee lies but is not a liar
3) Tierra is engaged but no comment on when it happened (is a no comment allowed on a women tell all?).
4) There was a girl named Brooke on the show that we have never seen before who has a lot to say about the Tierra situation despite having only been with her for 2 hours the first night.
5) Robyn and Leslie are shocked by Tierra's lack of regret for her actions.  Leslie must have had the "she made her own cot now she can lie it" joke teed up for weeks, she couldn't even get through the joke without chuckling.
6) If Selma says good morning you damn well better say good morning back.
7) Tierra was Little Miss Nevada, hence her sparkle is legit. 
8) Tierra lights up a room with the morals that she has.
9) Tierra has a father (I thought she had broken family trailer park written all over her)
10) Tierra cannot in fact control her eyebrows.


I was left wanting after the Tierra interview, she lost her swagger, I wanted her to tell those b#*%#es to kiss her ring.

Next up in the hotseat was Sarah.  The only eventful part of her interview was the woman in the audience fighting through tears to say she was my favorite.   Basically we learn from Sarah that she is smart, funny, nice but will never marry, due to her one arm.

Future Bachelorette Des lets us know she is perfect and Sean blew it.  I actually may have to agree, I think she was his best option.  Sean lets us know that Des hides behind her smile and wouldn't let him in (you didn't take her to the fantasy suite so how do you know?).

Did anyone else notice when Sean came out and the girls were clapping that ABC panned to Sarah clapping, that's messed up.

AshLee turns the drama up a bit by letting us know that Sean confessed to her in the fantasy suite that he had no feeling for the other girls.  Don't trip Sean, who amongst us hasn't said something untrue to gain an advantage while in a fantasy suite?   AshLee get over it you were boring and he didn't want to come home every day from work to hear about your abandonment issues.

The previews look pretty intense for the finale.  I paused on the letter and tried to view it with a magnifying glass and (spoiler alert: I was able to spot the words Sean and ripping).  I have been predicting for weeks that the letter is from Des.  ABC has duped me one too many times over the years (ie Sean lives with his parents, Des has a possessive boyfriend, Tierra was on the show to find love) I am not falling for the illusion that on off the women left him at the altar with a letter.

Did Catherine really just say in the preview she is "going out on a limb" (insert tree joke), that is just too easy, I need more of a challenge than that.

I can't wait for next week's 3 hour extravaganza, you can join me on twitter @jonobeingjono for a live tweet up throughout the episode.        

(He better not pick Lindsay)

You Didn't Let Him Enter the Cave and You Got Sent Home

No Spelunking For You

Episode starts with Sean explaining that he is so excited to be in the South of Thailand.  Call me unsophisticated but has anyone ever heard it called the South of Thailand?  I've heard South of France but never South of Thailand.

Lindsay:
Sean learns that the one thing Lindsay won't do is eat a bug, oh and lookie here an assortment of bugs at a Thai market.  Sean exclaims "what do we have here" and Lindsay whispers to him "they are bugs".  Lindsay, you are a regular Sherlock Holmes we would have never known what all those creepy crawly things were.  Lindsay eats the bug to prove her love for Sean (***explicit content warning), that is probably not the only thing Lindsay is willing to put in her mouth to gain Sean's love.  Sorry.

Now that Sean knows Lindsay will do anything it seems time to transition to the fantasy suite.  Lindsay awkwardly tells Sean she loves him and they retire to the suite without hesitation or any caveat from Lindsay that by going to the fantasy suite she is not a slut.

AshLee:
We learn that AshLee has abandonment issues (shocking we haven't heard this from her prior) and that the only way to get over her issues would be to swim through a cave and a very skimpy bikini.  I don't know what she is worried about she has two quite capable floating devices.  As Sean and AshLee swim through the cave we learn that she has not been this vulnerable since two weeks ago when she blindfolded herself.

AshLee tells us that this is how life is when you are with the person you love it is like going down a dark alley way.  So true, what married person doesn't feel like they could be jumped at any moment.

AshLee lets Sean know that entering the cave was not a metaphor for what would be happening in the fantasy suite and that they would be talking all night long......uh bye bye.  

AshLee a word of advice for future reality show endeavors (perhaps Bachelor Pad).  I could have sworn that earlier in the episode I saw a tongue ring and I definitely saw your bathing suit.  You aren't fooling anyone including Sean with the sudden spat of morality, now get yourself in that fantasy suite and let Sean do some more spelunking so that you can show him that you really are soulmates.

Catherine:
Catherine lets Sean know that she is super silly but also really serious (trees will do that to you).  Sean tells her he loves her weirdness and tries to brush her hair back and pokes her in the eye (a symbolic branch to the eye if you will).

Catherine tells Sean that Seattle is expired.  Who doesn't compare their city to milk?

She then lets us know she has been worried about showing a different side of herself in the fantasy suite (the naked side) uhh last I checked that is the whole point of the fantasy suite.   Catherine says when the show began she thought about what goes on in the fantasy suite and that she wouldn't let herself do THAT but then weeks went by and she realized it has nothing to do with THAT but it is about spending time with Sean, doing THAT and that she is now okay with doing THAT.

Catherine lets us know that it feels good to just have the two of them spending intimate time with no one else around.  The fact that we are watching you two in the pool this makes me think that it isn't just you two?

Harrison:
Now would be a good time to address the tweets posted throughout the show as we get a tweet from Chris Harrison "Each date card is handcrafted & signed with love or the hope of love".  A little creepy C-Harr.  ABC are we trying to watch the evolution of true love or an episode of pop-up video?  I didn't love the tweets but I must admit I fired off a few in hopes of making the show.

Harrison appears and tells us to imagine being in a beautiful land entangled with 3 beautiful women, oh no this sounds serious, psyche a 15 minute commercial for Oz.

The Videos:
Lindsay gives us a cute wedding dress joke and is anyone else annoyed by the way she talks?  I can only describe her as mousy.  Hopefully she won't be as drunk at their real wedding as she was on the first night of the season.

AshLee, oh Ashlee you definitely sealed your fate with the crying video.  You have to give just a little cry and then pull it together.  He was scared of your emotional instability and constant talk of walls and abandonment and issues and the video sealed it.  It's really unfortunate because your body had some real potential to find true love.  (Oh and ABC you dropped the ball, a snarky tweet would have been perfectly timed during AshLee's cryfest)

Catherine lets Sean know that he is a megahunk that gives her the wiggles.  Classic Catherine and that is why she is still around, good for her.

Rose Ceremony:
The girls are looking lovely, AshLee really has broken down some walls to the point that she may or may not have just had a nipslip as Harrison escorted her in.  Wait, should I be pausing this right on AshLee's chest when my wife is in the room?  But, she has a stripe on her right boob, what is that?

Sean obviously picks Lindsay and then takes an eternity to annihilate AshLee's hopes and dreams.  BTW, where is Harrison, there is only one rose remaining from what I can tell, but I can't be sure, where is the announcement, I am so confused, could there be two roses remaining?  Alas, I suppose ABC left it to our own intelligence and there was only one rose and it went to not AshLee.  I feel an epic meltdown coming.

Sean asks Ashlee to at least let him explain and give his reason why, she waits and he tells her that it was a very hard decision.  Ummm, that is not a reason why.  Emotional baggage, now that is a reason why.  Too serious, another reason why.  Got married at age 17, another reason why.  Oh well, we'll have to live with it was hard and you are a great person as the reason Sean gave us.  In all honesty, it was a bit sad though, I did like AshLee and I hope that she can find someone that will love her and good news for her she actually held up decently in the ride of shame, she had to hide her face but she didn't say anything too embarrassing, I expected it to be much worse.         


So it comes down to this.  A girl who on night one dressed up in a wedding dress, got wasted and tried to make out with Sean v. A girl who has a nose ring that learned from a tree at the age of 12 that all she wanted out of life was to be married.   Either way Sean is a winner.

Sean Tells All, Well Kind of All

What kind of tell all doesn't discuss details of the fantasy suites, lame.  ABC if you are going to promote a tell all we demand to know what base Sean got to with each and every girl and how many times.

Instead the show starts with Sean telling us how excited he is for the alone dates so he can be away from the cameras and the girls can feel comfortable asking him anything oh and so he can see them naked.

We then find out that Sean wanted to hit poor Nathan for calling him a playboy as nothing could be further from the truth.

Sean & AshLee

Sean & Catherine

Sean & Des

Sean & Kristy

Sean & Leslie

Sean & Lindsay

Sean & Robyn

Sean & Sarah

Sean & Selma

Sean & Tierra

Clearly Nathan has no clue what he is talking about I'll go with Sean and we'll just chalk it up to Nathan being a jackass.

Did Heidi Montag just get a tweet through, what does JBJ have to do to get a tweet read.

Leslie told Sean to stick it in her mouth and she didn't make it to the fantasy suite why?

Harrison addresses the rumors that Tierra is a plant and that ABC made him keep her etc.. etc.. Sean replies that this was not the case and that he was not aware of what was going on or he would have sent her home.

Then Harrison talks about Montana and how Sean witnessed the fight between Tierra and Robyn that went on for several hours.  Wait a second didn't you just say that you had no idea Tierra was like that?  Which is it you knew or didn't know about Tierra?

BTW, who has the stamina to fight for several hours?  You fight for a half hour or so, say a weak sorry and makeup in a physical manner, it works every time.

I want to meet Shades of Gray's mother.

Daniella, what kind of Harrison impression doesn't address "ladies this is the final rose"?  Although that was the most we saw of you all season.

Harrison then goes to the fantasy suite issue by asking Sean: "Let's be honest what takes place inside the fantasy suite."  Oh no he didn't!  Harrison went there.  Harrison then asks if it is a chance to be physical?  To which Sean gives him a nunya bizness.  So apparently Sean will bang all three but not discuss it, ahhhh I'm with you Harrison it is so nice to see that there are still gentlemen out there.

The previews look pretty dramatic Catherine declines Sean's offer to see if they are really in love by laying with him, someone sends him a note to the alter (my guess is Des), Ashlee lets Sean know that she has some abandonment issues and Sean gets Lindsay pregnant, should be fascinating.

Oh boy, I hope you all stuck around to the end.  If you didn't then you missed this:

Do I have to confess to my Bishop that I have viewed man porn?