Hey Harrison....You Mad Bro?

I Love Talking You and I Love Hugging You

Worst season ever.  Juan Pablo just set back any Latino's chance at finding true love at least 15 years.  I'm sure Harrison has warned all casting directors that they are not even to interview any with an accent or a z in their last name.  Any dreams I have harbored of having my 25% Latino son becoming a future Bachelor went out the window the second Juan was lured into the ocean by that crazy temptress, Clare.

Alright, I will concede that JP was a serious bolsa de douche but I must give him credit for not giving into ABC's love mandate.  ABC, you gave him the worst cast of women in the history of the show, what do you want him to do....pretend to be in love like Brad and Emily, or Emily and Jef, or Ali and Roberto, or Des and Chris (still pretending), or Ben and Courtney, or Jake and Vienna only to break up immediately after ATFR.  JP and Nikki already have more time together than Brad/Emily, Ben/Courtney and Jake/Vienna combined.

ABC knew they had to turn on JP the second he said gays are "more pervert" and ratings went in the tank.   JP was pissed off because of all the people writing things about him on "the computer" (JP is that like when my four year old calls the internet "the dot.com").  I just love writing these weekly computer posts and posting them on the computer.

We knew there was trouble brewing when prior to the altar scene there was no heart to heart with Juan and Harrison chopping it up.  And we knew we were headed for a disaster when they went straight to JP awaiting the girls at the altar rather than the obligatory Neil Lane promo/product placement.   Neil are you cool with them just dropping your name without giving you a full 15 minute segment?  I hope you got a big discount on your marketing budget.     

Harrison announces that during ATFR all of our questions will be answered.  Well, I think we only have 1 question, and that question is for Clare: Clare...Vietnamese Sea....Si o No?  Ok, maybe a second follow up question: Clare have you taken a pregnancy test?

Far be it from me to ever criticize Sean, he is definitely on the Mt. Rushmore of Bachelor/ette stars (FYI, my Mt. Rushmore: Sean, Catherine, Bentley, & Emily), but Catherine wasn't walking through that door.  Catherine is hot and funny, no one on this episode comes close...not Nikki, not Clare, not Sharleen, not Kat.

Clare Drama:
So apparently Clare was misled as to JP's character when he told her in the helicopter that he loved bleepING her.  I have re-watched the bleep heard round the world and she clearly said bleepING not TO bleep.  Big difference.  I think my wife is cool with me wanting to bleep Shakira but not as cool with me liking bleeping her (okay my wife is probably not cool with either).  So I guess that answers our question a few weeks back of whether there would soon be a Vietnamese merman running around following Clare and JP's "swim" in the crazy Vietnamese Sea.  

And Clare why again are you so mad?  The premise of the show is two people show up at the altar and one doesn't get the proposal.  If the Bachelor/ette always sent the person home prior to showing up at the altar there would be no drama.

Boy did Harrison aggressively go after that consolation hug with Clare or what?  Did anyone else get the feeling they were headed for a "swim".  Why else would Harrison be such a staunch Clare defender?  She sold sex from day one and then is shocked that JP doesn't respect her mind.  I loved that during "ATFR" Clare wouldn't talk about what JP said and wouldn't face him and Harrison then congratulates her for being so brave and open about her experience.  Open?  Brave?  She didn't say a thing about the incident.     

Was Nikki On the Show:
So apparently Nikki won the show because JP really really likes her.  My only question is why wasn't Nikki invited to ATFR, admittedly I was watching my laptop screen to type notes, but I didn't hear her say a thing. 


My last word for all my followers out there, don't give up on true love!  I have a good feeling Andi is going to restore our hope that true love does in fact exist. 

Izz Ok Andi You Will Find True Love Shortly

      I Will Be the Next Bachelorette                                 Izz OK                             

TWTA is always one of the classiest nights on TV.  What we learned last night:

1. Sean and Catherine are officially the most valuable commodity ABC has.  ABC you can go ahead and scrap Bachelor Pad all we really want is "The Lowe Pad" or "Newlowelyweds" or "The Real Bachelor Couple of Dallas", heck I think I would rather watch that lame honeymoon suite cam that ABC kept flashing during their wedding than watch Juan Pablo say izzokkay.

2. If the Muppet Movie is half as funny as that hilarious bit it is going to be a riot.

3. Kat is super wholesome and was confused by JP's intentions.  Yeah we noticed when you had your crotch in his face for 3 straight hours at the pool party.

4. Renee and Cassandra are "special" and the rest of the girls are not.  Seriously girls are you gonna keep crying about this.  And Lauren H why are you chiming in that you also left important stuff behind.  Let's compare Renee left her kid for several weeks and you left Oklahoma for less than one day.

5. Lauren S. is bitter that she got played.  Kelly nailed it, during the show it was "JP I love love love you I want to kiss you, please please kiss me, after you get booted JP sucks and showed no interest in me."     

6. Renee is nice.

7. Alli may have a 3 and a 5 year plan, but does she have a 7 year plan?

8.  Danielle and JP only had surface level conversations.  I was so surprised I thought you guys had a real connection.

9. Victoria can speak English.

10. Lucy has a lot of nerve.  Lucy are you really talking smack about JP's intentions?  You were prancing around Santa Monica Blvd. naked and at the end of the show you ran and straddled Harrison. 

11.  Sharleen still thinks JP is tonto.

12. Kelly is a fireball.  She told the girls they were just poor losers.  She told JP he used Camila as an excuse but it sure wasn't an excuse to go swimming.  And she dropped the real bomb asking JP why he thinks "gays are more pervert".

13. JP has lots of gay friends so it is okay that he thinks gays are more pervert.  Besides he was mistranslated, he didn't say gays are more pervert he said I would rather make gay love than be stuck in the fantasy suite with Andi lecturing me.   

14. Andi can read a teleprompter.  Could the questions and answers have been any more perfect for her to become the next bachelorette.  Don't come out too strong, talk about how you are still looking for love, talk about how you believe in love, make a few jokes and boom see you this fall.  I'm not hating she is going to be good.    



This has been a pretty disappointing season and I think the only way to finish it off would be with JP offending both Clare and Nikki to the point that they both quit. 

Assault in the Fantasy Suite

"Deeeeefaaaaaaauuuuuullllllllttttttt"

And lookie what we have here, the Bachelor is returning to St. Lucia for the fantasy suites.  For you Bachelor historians like myself I'm sure you remember the last time the fantasy suites went to St. Lucia, this mistake happened:

Vienna I enjoyed sleeping with you in the F Suite Will You Marry Me?

First Serving Of Juan Pablo Goes to Clare:
Clare are you really going to try and sell us that you might not go to the F. Suite.  No one is buying it, we know you are going to swim him tonight.  Oh and what do you know she is accepting the offer to fantasy suite it up.  Clare's only mistake was not breaking out the Daddy DVD in the fantasy suite, she could have really ramped up the pressure on JP.  

Sloppy Seconds of Juan Pablo Goes to Andi:
A lot of lead-up to this one.  I gotta say I was hook line and sinker with the previews regarding Andi's fantasy suite debacle.  My imagination ran wild....did JP get a little handsy......did JP come clean about his affinity for a "vietnamese ocean swim"......did JP show Andi his (explicit warning) anteater....what could possibly have made Andi declare that she could not wait to get out of that fantasy suite.  And the answer is.....he didn't validate your feelings (r u serious?).  Someone needs to stand up for JP here and why not me.  Andi it is a "fantasy" suite, no guy has ever fantasized about validating feelings.  Andi I also am ESL and us Latinos never use the word default, you are lying.  Andi you are clearly trying out to be the next bachelorette, but I see right through it, you were getting dangerously close to getting picked and you decided to go the Ali route, bailout and see if you can get picked as the next Bachelorette (oh and what a coincidence Ali also bailed on St. Lucia).  Andi I do agree that name dropping is super lame and annoying, hold up Anneli can you pause the show I gotta take this call from Afeni Shakur so I can let her know I'll call her back when I get done sending this care package out to David Archuleta, like I was saying it is very important to be real and trying to act cool and impress chicks by letting everyone know that you have celebrity friends is immature.

I gotta finish this blog I got things to do

Another touch of ABC genius show Andi's video as she is walking up the driveway.  I did like the Andi v. JP argument.  No matter how many times Andi told him not to say the work OK he couldn't stop and finished it with an "ok ****, I can't stop saying it", seriously awesome.  It's all good we knew that Andi and JP were never going to be a match.  JP is an intellectual who likes worldly cultured ladies and Andi is a tramp who poses naked in the name of saving dogs.  

Sloppy Seconds of Juan Pablo (Andi obvi did not partake so it is not thirds) goes to Nikki:
Nikki, I gotta say, what a genius way to enter the date.  Who doesn't appreciate a nip slip to start a date.  The serious nature of the date continues as JP lets Nikki know that he wishes she was riding the horse without pants in a thong.  Okay maybe Andi was right.

Nikki don't go into the ocean with him he loves to swim, stop oh no she is in the ocean and here they go they are taking a swim, what is Camila going to think?

So we are down to the final two that we knew were going to compete for the true love of JP.  It is a tough call they both have swam in the ocean so maybe he should just go with the better swimmer. 

Hy Juan

Hi Ben, I am about to ruin your mom

 With back to back espisodes the life of a Bachelor Blogger is quite busy but let's try to get a quick hitter here on the hometown dates.  Hometown dates is generally one of my favorite weeks (second only to fantasy suite week).  I like it because you get to see why the girls are so crazy (Clare).

First Hometown - Juan Pablo shares his meat with Nikki
Nikki's hometown (K.C.) starts off with Nikki and JP sharing meat at a BBQ joint.  They then head to meet Nikki's family who is way too normal.  Hmmmmm, not much material here.  If only Nikki could just break down those walls and let JP knows that she loves him.  Nikki you can't win unless you break down those walls. 

Second Hometown - Andi holds Juan's pistol
Andi's hometown (Atlanta) starts off at a gun range where Andi shows us she really knows how to handle a weapon and could JP have sucked any worse at shooting.   They then head to the house and JP gets to say Hi to Hy.  Hy clearly isn't feeling JP and neither is the rest of the family other than Andi's mom trying to salsa dance with him. 

Third Hometown - Sharleen shows JP her mundo
Finally JP gets to see Sharleen's mundo, oh wait, what? she left the show? so who gets the hometown date? renee?  Well I guess we better meet Ben.  Hey Ben you seem great, now get lost Renee you are too old to find true love.

Fourth Hometown - Clare and her Latino Family?
Hold on, Clare is Latina?  I am beyond confused.  I am however, not surprised that Clare's family is crazytown.  Could anyone else figure out what was going on with Clare trying to talk to her mom who appears to be a mute, while her sister Laura hovers around them making sure that mom doesn't say a word?  Finally, Laura goes inside and suddenly not only is mama not a mute but she is spewing espanol.  This is really bizarre she is now asking JP in Spanish about the weather in Venezuela.  

Rose Ceremony:
Nice dress Clare, a rose for you.  And goodbye, Renee.  Honestly, Renee deserved better she was clearly the nicest girl left on the show, but the last thing JP wants to be is a Dad so Renee had to go. 

Juan No Tiene Suficiente Inteligencia Para El Mundo

Finally we get the first girl to self-destruct and send herself home and there goes JP's mundo.   So, contestants leaving the show is nothing new, but leaving the show because of the IQ of the bachelor/ette, now that must be a first.   Sharleen, may I offer some advice: Never pick a spouse based on intelligence, the checklist is more like: Looks, Massage Ability, Measurements and Cooking Ability.  

One on One: Sharleen and Juan "estupido" Pablo
The first one on one consisted of JP and Sharleen floating around a Miami marina while awkwardly making out.  Bachelor producers would than cut to Sharleen talking about how hot Juan Pablo is and how they have such great chemistry but there is something missing from an intellectual stand point.  Ultimately Sharleen decides to blow herself up and JP lauds her honesty.  One problem JP, she wasn't being honest.  If she was being honest the convo would have went like this:

JP: Oh you are so elegant you have mundo
Shar: You are an idiot, but cute
JP: I love your honesty
Shar: If you weren't so estupido I would marry you
JP: (In a high pitch) hmmmmm ohhhhhhhhhhhh hmmmmmmmmmm

One on One: Nikki meet my baby mama Carla so you will know that you will never measure up
So Nikki gets to go to Camila's recital to meet the family and Camila (bet she wished she would have worn a bra).   They get to the recital and we get to meet the family including Camila's mommy.  You could tell Nikki was quite insecure as later in the date she asked JP "So you have Camila and the family and ummm umm Carla so how do I fit into that".  Nikki I am with you girl I am very confused:
1. JP and Carla seem to get along great
2. JP and Carla seem to really love their daughter Camila
3. Carla looks like this: 

4. Nikki looks like this?

As JP would say hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 

Group Date: Clare Finally Loses It
For the group date the girls go to the beach and have a picnic.  Chelsea acts a  spaz as usual with her letters from home.  Renee gets no time.  And then there is good ole Clare.  Clare let me guess, you want a man who is just like your dead father.  Has anyone else noticed Clare's conversational mannerisms, you have to pay attention to this 1) Purse your lips; 2) Take a moment of silence and 3) Blurt out a 12 minute diatribe on the type of man you want and how this relates to your late father.   How many duck face selfies must Clare's instagram hold, I can only imagine.

At the end of the group date Juan Pablo picks Andi to continue the date with him and the other girls are sent back to hang with Nikki.  Finally the stress of banging Juan Pablo is too much for Clare to handle and she bubbles over with a bunch of F bombs.  I'm sure Camila will love that.   Upon returning to the hotel Nikki gets annoyed with the group and heads back to her room (errrr the hotel owner's room),  Clare decides to follow her into the hotel owner's room to have a little chat about why Nikki is such a b****.  Nikki excuses Clare from her room to which Clare cleverly replies that it is not Nikki's room but rather an open space since Nikki did not pay for it......uh burn, clearly Nikki has no response to this incredibly sound argument and just gives Clare the silent treatment.

Rose Ceremony:
And another shocker, bye bye Chelsea.

Next week is off to hometown dates and what appears to be a potential assault by JP on Andi in the fantasy suite?  Can't Wait!
   

 

The Girls Go Down Under

Who Says I Kiss Weird?

 So the show traveled down under this week, although apparently JP and Clare wanted a preview of down under last week.   The majority of this week's episode was a mix of making out and the use of the word "like".  Were we in New Zealand or the San Fernando Valley like it was like so like beautiful in New Zealand and like Juan Pablo is like such a like great guy and like all I want is like my happy ending.  Next week I will be taking a shot of Dr. Pepper for every time the girls use the word like and every time Juan Pable makes his hmmmmm sound.  

One on One Date: A One Piece and an Explosion of Love
Andi finally got her one on one date which consisted of lots of metaphors for volcanoes and geysers.  So Andi decided to go "modest with the one-piece, however a couple of problems 1) It was a borderline T-Back with it up her butt; and 2) There was an ample amount of side-boob, but hey I'm not complaining I personally love fake modesty over real modesty any day.

Andy also let us know that it was a perfect metaphor when the geyser went off as it is similar to Juan Pablo's ....... (cover your ears minors) love, phew I thought you might be going somewhere else with it.

Group Date: Crap Throwing and Big Balls
The group date seemed to be a real blast as the girls got into bikinis and chased sheep while Juan Pablo threw crap at them.   Of course the only girl that rolled with it was Renee.   The group then went and hopped in huge inflatable balls and rolled down the hill, I can't hate, it looked pretty dang fun.

They then went to hobbitville for a nightcap where JP finally sent Tre packing.  Let's be honest if Cassandra's kid's name was John or Jacob or Daniel she would still be there, but there was no way JP was going to have a home with Tre and Camila under the same roof.   JP did what he thought was the honorable thing by sending Cassandra home immediately so she wouldn't have to be another day without Tre.  Why do I get the feeling that Cassandra was bummed that she got shafted out of two more days in New Zealand only to have to go home to her 1 bedroom apartment in 8 Mile.

All of the other girls except Kat and Chelsie got to makeout with JP and despite another awkward makeout session Mundo Sharleen got the rose again, this girl is amazing but I feel like she could go suicide bomb and blow herself up at any moment.

One one One: A Kinda Apology and Round 2 Of Taking A Swim
So JP takes Clare on a one on one so they can have the talk about her coercing him into the crazy Vietnamese Sea where they conceived what likely will be some sort of Merman superhero.  Clare let's us know that she is waiting for JP to apologize before she can move on.  JP explains to her, without ever using the word sorry or apologize, that he made a mistake in being so easily coerced by Clare's excitement to "take a swim" with him and that it was four in the morning and he did it so she wouldn't feel bad.  Apology Accepted!  JP that was a jonobeingjono apology if I have ever seen one (you know that apology "I didn't do anything wrong but I am sorry that you feel bad without actually using the word sorry or apology").  How come my wife doesn't go for that apology but Clare does?  Well leave it to the Bachelor to expose what is wrong with all of our relationships.

After JP's apology Clare is ready to get back to the suite for round 2.  Was anyone else hoping that when JP asked her to go change into something comfortable that she would come out in lingerie so that he could chastise her again for being a slore in front of Camila?   Clare came out in sweats and a tank-top and gave JP a 17 minute diatribe on what kind of man she is looking for filled with 43 likes and next thing you know they are "taking a swim" again.

Cocktail Party:
Who Pablo makes out with Nikki so she is safe.
Renee was not sent home with Cassandra so she is safe.
That leaves Kat and Chelsea and they both know it.  Chelsie decides to go with a talk really fast and drop a lot of likes into the conversation strategy to keep her there.  Meanwhile, Kat goes with the my dad was a drunk card and that's why I take things slow card strategy.  Only problem Kat is you already pulled this card a couple of weeks ago, you went to the drunk daddy well too many times and it got you bounced.

           

I Just Got Back From An Ocean Swim

"I Just Wanted To Take a Swim"

Finally, some real drama.  I've always said that the Bachelor doesn't officially start until someone potentially gets pregnant.  This week Clare joined the likes of past winners Vienna and Courtney when she decided to flip the script and give Juan her rose.

First One on One: Renee Finally Gets Some
I was happy to see Renee, who is clearly the nicest girl on the show, finally get some culo (you may or may not want to look this up).  Before I continue, can we address the big hangup this year with hooking up...kids.  JP has been holding out on giving Renee some love because of her son Ben.  Is Ben really at home just having some popcorn watching his new dad hook up with 20 chicks?  And why didn't JP  have the some concerns about poor Tre....Tre certainly didn't slow him down when he had a chance to sleepover with Cassandra.  And how does JP go from last week not wanting to kiss a girl on the group date because of Camila to banging Clare this week in the ocean, I am very confused.  The last thing I need is kids getting in the way of quality entertainment....and true love.          

Second One On One: Clare and Juan Pablo float down a river and "take a swim in the ocean"
For some reason the second one on one date had a bunch of other girls hanging out by themselves in the vicinity of JP and Clare, weird.   This certainly didn't stop JP from spending plenty of time chupando la pina with Clare.  The date ended, uh but what is this, oh no Clare is going to JP's room to invite him to "take a swim in the ocean".  Am I the only one that didn't know the true meaning of "taking a swim in the ocean"?  If I had known I would be headed to the beach daily. 

JP's one on one with Clare also sends Andi into a self esteem tailspin.  Andi you do know that you are a good looking attorney who used to have a job with the DA (until you got naked in the name of dogs) and that you are acting like a 14 year old girl because of a man named Who Pablo?  Get it together.   

Third One On One: Nicky and Juan Pablo Fall In Love.....heyyyyyyyyo
Nicky and Juan Pablo go on a date to Hell Cave which is exactly what I would call having to spend 7 minutes with Nicky.  For a summary on how Nicky reacts to rappelling please see my blog from 3 weeks ago when Chelsea had to jump off a bridge, identical reaction.   For some reason JP seems to like Nicky.  Let's see 1) Hot = No; 2) Fun = No 3) Horrible Dresser = Yes; 4) Get's Along Well With Others = No sounds like a perfect wife.

Cocktail Party: Let the Fun Begin
So Clare decides to give a little toast to Looking for Love, Finding Love and Making Love, oh no you didn't Clare.   This little speech leads JP to give her a little speech about how much he regretted taking her rose and how bad of an example Clare is to his daughter.  Nothing makes a girl feel more special than coaxing a guy out of his room to "take a swim in the ocean" only to have the guy later tell her that he really regrets "swimming in the ocean" and that the girl is a horrible example to his daughter regarding the effects of "swimming in the ocean".

Nothing can trigger an allergic reaction quicker than the shame of coercing a guy to swim in the ocean.

BTW I am really starting to like Cassandra.  I loved when Clare came back after taking her allergy medication and Cassandra announced "awkward", nice work Cass.   

JP announces that he is shockingly going to send 3 girls home.  I wonder who it is going to be I just can't figure it out, oh wait there are still 3 girls he has yet to say a word to namely Danielle, Kelly and Alli oh whattaya know those are the 3 sent packing, I can't believe it.    

I can't wait to find out next week if Camila has a sibling. 

Time To Find a Seoul Mate

"Y Yo Soy El Bachelor Blogger"

This week the girls finally got the opportunity to leave the country to date Who Pablo so that they can really see what it would be like to be married to him.  It is so hard to tell if you really like someone when you are simply going on regular dates in the U.S.

Prior to the recap I must say this Korea episode hit a little to close to home for me.  After hearing much publicity about Korean Spas being the new rage I decided to take a journey down to Korea Town to see what all the fuss was about.  I ordered "the works" and was told to proceed to the men's area where I should strip down and be prepared for a "buff".  I promised myself never to disclose what happened next, but hey if these girls can break down their walls for JP why not.....I was told by a Korean man to lay down naked on a table where he proceeded to put on sandpaper gloves and remove the top five layers of my skin, he made sure that there was not a speck of dust or oil anywhere on my body and ummm, well, ummm he went ahead and treated my crack like a credit card machine.  After this confusion to my sexual orientation I proceeded to the Shiatsu massage room where a Korean woman stood on me and essentially committed a battery.  After, having my calf muscle dislodged from the bone I hobbled to the clay sauna with a tv where I laid on a bunch of clay pellets with 20 other naked dudes as we watched......you guessed it K-Pop.  Suffice it to say that when JP announced that the first group date was K-Pop I immediately went into the fetal position.

First Group Date: K-Pop, Krazy Kool Dancer Kat, and Negative Nicky:
The first group of ladies learn that they will be performing a dance routing with famous K-Pop group "21".  Kat used this date to let us know that 1) She is a professional dancer; 2) She is extremely good at dancing; 3) She has an ample bosom; 4) Her dad is an alcoholic.  Hmmm one of these things is not like the other ones.  Oh and I used to think Kat was kinda hot but in retrospect I think she has a little bit of a Secretariat thing going on.

Meanwhile, we are finally starting to see who is going to get this year's Vienna/Tierra Award for "I am a wench to all the girls but who cares I am here for ________" and the winner is......Nicky.

One on One Date: Sharleen and the Awkward Kiss/Conversation/Date
Where do we start.  How about shorts and nylons?  Sharleen and Juan Pablo went on a very worldly date and for some reason JP is in love with her.  I must say her opera singing was kinda cool, but she acted like she was giving up her virginity "I don't sing on the first date".  Sharleen also lets us know that JP is a good kisser, girl I have now seen you kiss him the last two weeks and I can confidently say that you are not a good kisser, it is beyond awkward every time.

Final Group Date: Let The Fun Begin
The last group date is a tour of Seoul and we finally got to see the real Clare and Kelly where did you come from you sassy girl.   Clare does the oh know I can't eat a little piece of Octopus routine to which Kelly delivers an all-timer "C'mon Clare I know you have swallowed bigger things than that"...boom.  Kelly and Andy later due a role play of Clare where Kelly drops another gem "Oh no this is the most I have eaten in two weeks".  Kelly I gotta give it to you for clowning Clare's attention grabbing tactics but don't forget you brought a dog on the show.

JP vows that he will not kiss any of the girls on this date as he has a daughter and wants to be an example, every single girl then tries to unsuccessfully kiss him with the worst being Lauren who when shut down starts bawling.  Listen Lauren, don't trip there was a time when even @jonobeingjono got shut down in an almost identical fashion and I too bawled.

Despite his chastity vow JP made out with Clare even after she told him that a few hours prior she threw-up in her mouth and swallowed it.

Rose Ceremony:
Someone tattled on Nicky and Clare but we are not sure who it was (Nicky thinks it was Clare) (Clare thinks it was Nicky) (JBJ thinks it was Cassandra, she got attitude when he took her aside on the group date and we never saw their convo).

Nicky confronts Clare about tattling and Clare lets Nicky know that nobody in the house likes her, uh Clare you may want to give that speech in the mirror.   

In the end Lauren gets the boot and unfortunately tells America how bleeping stupid she is for trying to force a kiss out of JP and crying about it.  And sayonara to Elise who again let's us know that she is very ready to become a mom, I'm sure she will find a taker sooner than later.    


Next week we head to Nam where I know that Juan Pablo will get that much closer to finding true love.  

       

   

BoatCar, Bridge and Crotch Time

Who Doesn't Love a Good Kat Fight

 So it wasn't the most exciting week of Bachelor we have ever seen but there were some takeaways as Juan Pablo flipped the script by making breakfast and bagging the cocktail party in favor of a pool party.  

One on One: Cassandra and the BoatCar
I must say that BoatCar was splendid.  Cassandra was wearing some weird red jumper with a bikini underneath, bikini = good | jumper = bad. 

As JP drives his car into the water and takes off I love how Cassandra says it is so great to see JP in his element.  Is JP some kind of BoatCar racer or tour guide?  What do you mean his element, I dare say he has never driven a car around on a lake. 

Next we learn that Cassandra hasn't been on a date in three years.  Wait a second her kid is 2 (and BTW is a spitting image of Sean Kemp), you do the math.  All jokes aside her baby daddy is none other than Rodney Stuckey of the Detroit Pistons:

"Sorry I Don't Do First Dates"

 
What's up Stuckey you couldn't take your girl to The Cheesecake Factory before you impregnated her?  You made 8.5 million last year you couldn't have sprung for The Outback Special before you smashed?

Speaking of being impregnated after this date there is a good chance that Camila and Tre may have a new sibling, as JP and Cassandra went back to his place for a nightcap.  If you can hook it up without taking her on a date imagine what you can do after taking her on a BoatCar.

Is it just me or for a former NBA dancer could Cassandra have looked any more awkward dancing.  At least it wasn't as awkward as her trying to help JP with "malted milkball" malmkb malbalk mmmalmemmkdball, whatever let's make out I've been taking care of Tre for 2 years now and it time for some me time.       


Group Date: Soccer and Juan Carlos in his real element

Alright JP, I love you but stop with the you gave up your thriving soccer career because your daughter was born.   You played for Robert Wesleyan College and some team in Ft. Lauderdale that is not part of the MLS where you scored two goals.   You gave up your soccer career because you were not getting paid which made it a hobby.  Just because I still play Ward Basketball doesn't mean it is my career. 

The group date was a good time with the girls getting after it on the soccer field and Sharleen just getting in the way.  Speaking of Sharleen, could she be any weirder? And why does JP like her so much?  Is it because she has as she put it "Mondo", uh that would be "Mundo" girl.  She has good legs and despises bras, I know what not to like, but she looks like the worst kisser I have ever seen.  JP went in for the kiss and she gave him some twisted version of the dead fish, at least it sent the other girls into a tizzy.     


One on One: Chelsie and the Bridge

So the date started with some truly horrible car dancing on the part of Chelsie.  They then proceeded to eat Arepas and jump off a bridge, because if you can jump off a bridge together you can get through anything.  Actually as a former resident of an arepa-eating country I would lean towards if you can eat an arepa together you can get through anything (unless soaked in butter and stuffed with cheese they are a flavorless mealy version of a tortilla).

Chelsie played the "I can't do this" card to perfection.  Future contestants take note this is how it goes 1) I am so scared waaaaaaaaaaahhhh; 2) I really can't do this; 3) Bachelor says I'll be there for you, you can do it; 4) Waaaaaaaaaahhh; 5) Well maybe I can do it, but only if you are there for me; 6) Take the leap and now the rose is guaranteed because no way he bounces you after you overcame one of your biggest fears and left your trust in him.  

Juan Pablo sure was more understanding of Chelsie not wanting to jump than of Andi not wanting to get naked. 

Meanwhile, back at the house Elise is self destructing over the fact that she didn't get the date card in favor of Camila's sister Chelsie who just happens to be one year younger than Elise.   Oh and look who is there to comfort her, Renee, I am so shocked.  


Breakfast With JP:
That crazy Juan decided to show up and make some, you guessed it arepas.  The goal was to see the girls in their element without makeup and the first one out Kelly, covers her face.  I actually think Kelly looked better with glasses and not all done up?  The girls pound the breakfast and learn that there will be no cocktail party but rather a pool party.


Pool Party:
Genius idea Juan.  It is so much easier to see who should get sent home when they are in bikinis as opposed to dresses.

According to Clare, Juan spent the majority of the afternoon in Kat's crotch.  We also learn that Kelly thinks Kat is a whore, Sharleen thinks Kat is a slut and Clare thinks Kat is a floozy.

Andi, why are you wearing a one piece?  WE HAVE ALREADY SEEN YOU NAKED.  

Sharleen flawlessly executes the crying moving into the makeout, well done.   This sent most of the girls into a downward spiral, especially Clare who has to go inside.  Oh and look who is comforting Clare, Renee, I am so shocked.

Clare then let's us know it is not a jealousy thing she just wants what the other girls had.  Call me Webster but I think that could be called jealousy.  


Rose Ceremony:
Christy, I know..I don't know who she was either, gone.

Lucy, you had your chance, it was a pool party and you let Kat outshine you on the sluttiness scale, you blew it, gone.       
  

If pretending to save dogs can get Juan girl naked it is worth it

I Wish Juan Pablo Would Die, Before I Puke

So if you are wondering when the date card came for Clare and why she was going on the first date, you had to watch the behind the scenes on Sunday night.  Not to mention if you watched on Sunday you got more Cathesean time which is always good.  Best part of Behind the Scenes was when we learned that Catherine gives Sean daily massages and Juan immediately regrets sending home the girl who oiled up his suit.

One on One Date: Winter Wonderland with Clare
First one on one date goes to Clare (for you Bachelor historians I don't believe the first one on one date girl has ever one).  I must admit the date looked pretty fun and Clare performed wonderfully.  She had to be relieved when they broke out the hot tub the last thing she wanted was the date to end with JP only seeing her in a big coat.   She also played the daddy's little girl/daddy dies/I now can't date or trust anyone card to perfection and got that rose.  

One on One Date: Thanksgiving Point with Kat
Did JP really take Kat to Thanksgiving Point or did I imagine that?  I mean who hasn't taken a date to Thanksgiving Point a little JCW followed by some shopping at Cabelas.  It was a bit of a trip to see them take off in a plane 2 minutes from my current residence and fly to 2 minutes away from my childhood residence.    And since when did Utah (Utah County at that) become so cool, that electric run looked pretty electric.  Kat moves pretty good for a white girl and gets the rose. 

Group Date: Hanging with the Bi*****
Oh boy, for anyone with morals and/or self esteem this wasn't pretty.  The girls learn that they will be helping a "charity" by doing a photo shoot in the name of adopting dogs.  Kellie (occupation: dog lover) is slightly excited.   Elise (1st grade teacher) and Andi (District Attorney) learn that if they want to help a good cause they will need to show their virginias.  Elise deftly switches with free spirit Lucy who gladly accepts as this is perfect opportunity to get her one step closer to her destiny - Hustler.  Meanwhile, Andi who disagrees with the idea is comforted by the fact that Juan Pablo will also be naked and strips down.  Andi better hope she wins JP's heart because she just lost her job.  Maybe free spirit Lucy can help her find a career, free spirit is always hiring.  Lesson to be learned for my young readers: If you have spent thousands of dollars on school and have a good career but you have a chance to save a dog by giving it all up, go for it.    

BTW, Is there really any dude out there who is thinking of adopting a dog and then sees a naked girl and decides that's it I'm heading to the shelter?  The way the director tried to push the girls made me want to head immediately to the mall to purchase a puppy mill dog.  

The unfortunate events at the dog shoot took away from the glory that is Victoria.  The girls all head to a rooftop to hang with JP and he starts to meet with them one on one.  While waiting for her turn Victoria decides to do some crack.  She then lets us know that she would like to straddle Juan even though she wishes he was dead?  Finally she declares "I just stepped off the crazy train, welcome to Brazil".  Don't feel bad Brazil on the last Bachelor Tierra said "I just stepped off the crazy train, welcome to Colorado".  Juan gives Victoria the boot in the morning when she has come to because he can't have a girl who likes to drink around Camila, now walk around naked on Santa Monica Blvd. (ala Lucy) that is fine, but no drinking.

We also learned that former NBA dancer Cassandra has a baby named Tre (has anyone seen Dwight Howard?).  I guess if Juan's new love has to deal with his hot baby momma than Juan should have to deal with Dwight Howard being his new love's baby daddy.  This is complicated. 

Rose Ceremony -
Sharleen - Still no bra.
Renee -Mom of the house, but it is making her look older.
Cassandra - Overplays the kid card, you already are getting the pity rose for having a kid no need to now cry about it.  You are done anyway, the last thing JP wants is a Tre living in the same house as Camila.
Amy L - Really are you going to do a fake news report?  Guys hate that stuff, you are gone.
Danielle - Go straight with the hair girl, big difference!
Chantel - You didn't think you really had a chance, did you? 

It Was Juan Heck Of A Night....Oh and Kylie Get Back In Line

Finally Juanuary is upon us and it did not disappoint.  I thought Whojuan Pablo had a chance to be a very entertaining Bachelor and I for juan think he lived up to the hype.  Could he be more cute?

First can we please go back to when we first met Who:



I think we all knew he was destined for stardom and true love.  Unfortunately Des liked poetry too much to see the glory of JP.

But Desiree's loss was the world and 27 women's gain as we all get to witness Juan Pablo bloom as he finds a stepmother for Camila.

The first half hour taught us that JP is hot and that he has a daughter.  We also got a nice reunion with Sean giving him advice to kiss as many girls as possible, sound advice.

Next we got to meet all of the girls and see their ridiculous shenanigans as they get out of the limo.  A few highlights: Cassandra forgot to say anything except for "awwwkward", Lauren S the professional piano player rolling in on a piano while she completely botches the song she is playing, Kelly (occupation: dog lover) bringing her dog, Clare showing JP what he could make her look like in 9 months and finally a bunch of girls speaking some horrible Spanish.

Juan then broke the ice by breaking out a boombox for a dance party, he is so fun!  Let the hysterics begin (that means you Lauren H).

Amy J why are you rubbing oil all over Juan's suit?  We know you get off from giving massage we saw your bio, but he's in a suit if you want to give him a rubdown lose the oil.  Ultimately this ended up being the first massage she gave without a happy ending (you know because she didn't get a rose).

Lauren H does not want to be that girl ah but what the heck: "Hi Juan I was just dumped by my fiance and I was supposed to be a stepmom and I know I am crying about it but I am over it and umm I am ready to be Camila's stepmom because I was already about to be a stepmom, do I get a rose"  No.

Sharleen you come to the show knowing the Bachelor is Juan Pablo you don't wear a bra which worked swimmingly as you got the first impression rose why were you acting so put off by getting the rose, the same rose that the other 26 women are literally turning into hyenas (Juan: "Hi ladies welcome" Ladies: "hahhahahahahahahah") to get.   I thought she was going to reject the first impression rose which would have been Bachelor history.  If you don't want the first impression rose then wear a bra next time.

"Bam I'm here I'm Lucy" but is your occupation really "free spirit" and if so how are you affording to live in Santa Barbara?

Renee smart move playing the mom card that bought you a couple weeks, but I think he is looking for a stepmom not a stepson. 

The absolute best part of the show came at the rose ceremony when Juan Pablo called out Kat and Kylie came sprinting out of the line to accept the rose.  Uh get back in line Kylie for 3 more minutes then you can get out of line to walk out the door, classic!

My frontrunners after night one: Andi (attorney) and Nikki (blonde). 

See you next week it should be juan heck of a season.

P.S. The play on words with juan is never going to get old.