The Grand Finale

I Married Up.....Bigtime!

So it is finally here the most dramatic and emotional finale in Bachelorette history.

Hold up why are we with Chris in a studio audience....is this after the final rose?  Never mind it was just for Chris to give us a beautiful social commentary following the shooting in Colorado followed by an incredibly awkward transition into "the most dramatic and emotional finale in Bachelorette history."

How did one dude get into the studio audience? Where is the respect?  If they were going to let one guy in I think we can all agree that I deserved that invite. 

The real episode starts with Jef meeting the family and they of course love him.  No real drama or emotion here, in fact it might be the shortest segment in Bachelorette history.  Emily's brother Ernie is a trip though.

More live look-ins at the weird studio audience angle.

Arie then goes to meet the family and the whole show goes into awkward mode.  Arie states that he didn't know what to expect and that he didn't know anything about the show......wait didn't you used to date the Producer?

Arie gives some weird fishing advice about fishing when it is overcast to Emily's dad who has a fish on his shirt.  When someone has an embroidered fish on their denim shirt you probably don't want to give that person fishing advice.  How many times is Arie going to mention that he has dated a single mother before.

Enter E's brother Ernie who is a stroke survivor and wait a second is that the audience laughing during his off camera interview...rewind....rewind.....yes it is the audience laughing over his interview.  Production genius, if we are going to have a studio audience lets get them involved by dubbing them into the awkward moments.  Arie's ex-girlfriend is a genius.   The live audience breaks up in laughter again when Arie asks Emily's father for his permission to marry her and gets awkward silence in return.

Word & Phrase Count to this Point:
Daggum: 3
Most dramatic and emotion finale in Bachelorette History: 4

Did Jef just show up to his final date with a T-Shirt with the sleeves rolled?  Instead of a fantasy suite Jef gets the fantasy play date and he worked it to perfection with the pink goggles and hermit crabs.

Prior to the date with Arie, Chris tells us that Emily is going to get some advice and we pan to the scene to see who is this mystery person to give Emily advice and......oh wait it's Chris.

Emily confides that its over, Jef has won her heart and she is not going to bother with the Arie date.  Chris spouts off some cliches and his eyes do not leave her chest for even a second. 

Fast-forward to Arie making a love potion which better be pretty magical or he is getting dumped.  Emily shows up Arie rubs her with the love potion and alas it didn't work he gets bounced.  Wait a second as they hug is that a dubbed in heartbeat....rewind.....rewind....yes in fact it is either a dubbed in heartbeat or Arie has the loudest heartbeat in the world.   At least as he left he commandeered her vehicle leaving her to walk back to the hotel. 

Chris goes to Bachelor/Pad alums for their analysis.  Ashleigh has not gotten any less annoying, the second she pinched my cheek like that I would send her packing.   Whoa Ashley S., welcome to the show!  Great analysis I agree with everything you just said.   

Jef then gives a beautiful proposal that brought tears to all of our eyes but why is he standing so far away from her, you could fit four bibles between them.

After the Final Rose:
Chris promises to reveal some secrets, I can't wait. 

Arie...waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh, journal waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. 

I knew it Jef and Emily are still together and very in love.  Sorry haters the show really does work. 

Jef gets in a people water plug and Chris asks where they are going to live?  Well Chris we just got a lease on a nice two bedroom apartment in Orem.  Scratch that, Jeff is moving to Charlotte, boo.  Attention all Charlotte Elders, Ricki is now 7 and in a part member family, you should know the drill from here. 

Wait the show is over, what about the secrets, I didn't hear any secrets, I demand my secrets.  Oh well see you at the Bachelor Pad tomorrow. 

Emily Enjoys The Fantasy Suite - Alone

                   

So we have finally made it, fantasy suite week!  Wait, Stop, Emily and her values don't approve of fantasy suites?  That puts a damper on things.

Sean:
Are those aqua socks paired with a tight v-neck?  I had so much I wanted to say about Sean and Emily's date, but I forgot what I was going to say, but if you wonder if I am excited about what's to come on the rest of the show, heck ya I'm excited.   


Jef:
Not since Into The Blue starring Jessica Alba have I seen such an impressive underwater camera.  Would I move to Salt Lake City, wellllllllllllll ummmm I've never been there, butttttttt I would consider us all moving to a new place for a new adventure.  Translation: Hell no I'm not moving to Salt Lake City, but I would consider Los Angeles.  

Gotcha Emily, Jef beat you to the morality card.  Did Jef really quote For the Strength of Youth with "Bridle Your Passions", yes he did.

I appreciated that in your video you let her know whats up by leaving your shirt unbuttoned to reveal your wife beater, real classy. 

Arie:
All they do is kiss, it really is quite boring.  We demand more awkward conversation and less tongue to tongue.

Arie, I really am not sure how you survived the I wake up at 9 bomb and are you going to be Ricki's dad or her wing man at the club?

In the end Emily doesn't even open the fantasy suite key to avoid from banging Arie which was a big disappointment to us all.     


I was so sure that it was going to be Jef v. Sean but was pleased to see Sean get the boot.  Nothing makes us fatties happier than seeing a creatine addicted stud get rejected by the beautiful girl and admit how stupid he feels. 

In my mind it is officially over, we have our first Mormon winner of the Bachelorette and Ricki will be coming to a primary near you. 

Will You Handle My Gun

So it was hometown week and it was as awkward as usual.   The star of the week had to be Arie's mom Mieke, she was great, with a close second being Jef's brother, Steve, all decked out in denim. 

Chris:
Chris started off the hometown date by letting Emily know that on a scale of 1 to Polish we are Polish.  He also confesses that last week he was a bleep up.   

Who pays for the beer that Chris and Emily had a sip of when they just walked out?

Chris' Mom acknowledges that any mom would be proud to see there son go on a reality show to find true love.  I know that I for one would be ecstatic to see my kids find reality love, I think the only thing that could make a parent prouder would be if there kid got into the porn industry. 

Chris' dad tells Emily "if you are looking for someone that will love and support you no matter what than Chris is your guy, if you are looking for something else than Chris isn't for you".  I was waiting for Emily to reply: actually dad I was looking for someone who won't love and support me.  

Chris' dad ended the hometown date by completely screwing his son by telling him that Emily told him that she had fallen in love with him, which clearly didn't happen.   This caused Chris to make a fool of himself confessing his love for Emily only to get axed, which was inevitable.

Chris can take solace that no matter how stupid he looked in the limo it wouldn't compare to how Emily looked doing the Polka.  


Jef:
The hometown date finally made its way to the beehive state.  Emily was so surprised to find out that Utah isn't just an urban jungle and that Jef isn't such a city boy.  She did realize it was St. George she was going to, not New York or Los Angeles?

The date started off with one of the most awkward voiceovers in TV history when Jef said my parents are in South Carolina doing (insert possibly another person's voice saying charity work).  

Jef shows off his shooting skills and drops the obligatory sexual harassment joke that Emily can hold his gun all day long.   BTW I have tried to shoot clay pigeons before and I am not buying that they both were 100%, last time I went I think I hit 2 for 30.

Could there have been a longer pause than when Emily asked Jef's sisters if they thought he was ready to settle down and be a dad?

Loved the sit down with Jef and Steve when Steve essentially told him so you are currently disfellowshipped for your partying ways and now all of the sudden you are ready to settle down, get married and have kids?

I must admit, Jef's letter to Emily gave me goosebumps.  After he finished reading that I immediately dropped a ditto on my wife. 


Arie:

When Emily first met up with Arie and kissed him the first thing that popped into my mind was the famous Shaq rap to Kobe, "Hey Arie, tell me how Jef tastes". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W4BAnIgB2I

So it was finally confirmed that Arie's father is my favorite racecar driver from when I was a kid, Arie Luyendyk, a formery Indy 500 winner.  So we now know that Arie is the most wealthy of the suitors.

The hometown date got extremely awkward when the lovely Mieke started speaking Dutch to her son and they went on a 5 minute conversation entirely in Dutch as Emily awkwardly sat there.  Arie proceeded to explain that he usually doesn't like speaking in Dutch in front of people who don't speak it but that Emily need not worry because his mom was saying that she was great.  I however was not fooled, I speak a little Dutch and what she actually said was that Emily was a no good slut.

Fast forward to Emily speaking with Mieke and Mieke telling her that usually when you are the one being proposed to you are not also the Bachelorette.   Very good point Mieke, but clearly you need to study up on your Bachelor/ette history.     


Sean:

Perfect Sean, not surprisingly has a perfect family.  Why oh why could the I live it home bit not have been real.  I loved Emily's comment, not only is he a mess but he's really into stuffed animals.   I so wanted it to be real that I was willing to overlook the perfectly placed half eaten cookies and I bought it hook, line and sinker.  

Did anyone else notice that Sean looks way prettier from afar than close up.  Maybe, I'm just being nitpicky looking for anything to diminish his perfection.  

I do think Sean is kinda lame, but he is probably the best match for Emily and is still the front-runner to obtain true love.


Congrats to Jef, Arie and Sean they get to go to Curacao and more importantly they are going to get some fantasy suite time and according to the previews some serious bikini time.  Studies have shown that fantasy suites and bikinis are the best indicator of whether or not a marriage will succeed.

The Coinkydink Episode - Czech It Out

I Would Marry The Bleep Out Of This Girl

 
 So Arie dated the producer of the show and then he miraculously became a contestant on the show.  What a coinkydink!  How do we have the weird convo with the producer yet no footage of Emily calling Arie out?  Weak!   

Sometimes you just have to let fate take its course in the pursuit of true love fast forward to Sean running the streets of Prague in the middle of the night yelling Emily's name when he miraculously finds Emily walking alone in an alley of a City of 1.3 million people.  What a coinkydink!      

Doug was done when he apologized for him and Emily's legs touching.

So this season has been more about Austin v. Ricki than anything else, who can say it more: Austin Austin Ricki Ricki Ricki Austin Ricki Baggage Ricki Austin Austin Austin Austin Austin Ricki Ricki Ricki who is going to say it more and......... Dougie gets the win when he comes through in the exit interview with one last AUSTIN.  Oh wait, Emily dropped a Ricki at the rose ceremony, one last parting blow to Doug, they end in a tie. 

Doug if your Girldar is broken you could always try your Gaydar.

Chris "I'm not going to dwell on it" as he spazzes at the house, freaks on the group date and goes into a twitching fit at the rose ceremony.  But Chris, don't take it personal that Emily likes Sean way more than you.

Could that puppet situation with Jemily have gotten any weirder?  Buying a puppet for Ricki, lame, Ricki riding on your puppet shoulders, lame.  I thought we were headed toward a puppet porn before it mercifully ended. 

Wait a sec, Jef is from the SLC and his parents are gone as they are "committed to some stuff" for a couple years, what a coinkydink!  What are they committed to? Civil War History, Palmettos, Gamecocks, Southern Plantations?  Do tell, I can't imagine what it could be.

Oh, and I "wanna date you hard and marry the f*&# out of you", nice one.  Your parents in South Carolina studying Civil War History are going to be very disappointed.

To the surprise of no one Wolf was sent Packing (man I am good).

Next week, the moment I have been waiting my life for, my sources said it went something like this: Emily rides Trax to Cafe Rio, pork burrito (enchilada style), afterparty at brick oven, levi lovin, end the evening with froyo at City Creek, heavy petting, then get up early and hit the David Archuleta farewell.   

The World Is Our Oyster and You Are the Pearl

So the episode started with Travis and Emily on a one on one at the "balancing stone".  Legend has it that if you can stand on the stone and remove your shirt you will be lucky in love.  At which point Emily states that they aren't leaving until one of them does it.  Sounds good to us, let's just hope that Emily is more lucky than Travis. 

Pan back to the hotel with Ryan chilling in a women's white tank top which no doubt came straight out of Emily's closet.

Travis, not surprisingly didn't get his rose, I mean he carried a gigantic egg around for a month.  I'm sure he regrets breaking Shelly as now he is left without Shelly or Emily.  He then pouts as he aimlessly walks into the rainy Croatian night as he litters his umbrella.  I don't know how Emily could have dumped a guy with a heart thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig, oh yeah he carried an egg around for a month. 


The boys then get to watch Brave as Arie mutters "so cool" when the girl splits the arrow a la Robin Hood.  I guess that was kinda cool.

The Highlander Games was pretty rad.  The jackasses arrive on mules (heeeeyyyyyyyo).  Sean proceeds to dominate yet Chris get's the pity date and rose.  I think Chris got the rose more because of the power of a double rainbow than anything else.

On to Ryan.  The date started with Ryan spewing lines as usual and telling Emily that the World is our Oyster and You are the pearl.  I can't believe that didn't work?  Then Ryan drops the 12 things required to become a trophy wife and bye bye.  You are a great kisser but your list sucked.   Ryan then provided us with some tremendous insight when she cut him.....I find this really really shocking because I did not see this coming.  Usually you don't see shocking things coming Ry, but don't worry they didn't portray you as an arrogant ass, so you are good.  
Wolf then messed up Emily's whole plan.  It was a stroke of pure genius to pull out the dead grandparent funeral cards combined with some tears.  Wolf was a dead man walking prior to that, but how was she going to bounce him when he has been toting around the Virgin Mary in his wallet since 1999. 

So nothing too surprising this week, until huh, Arie has been tapping the producer?  What?  Not precious Arie, they were so cute together when he snuck over to her bed.   So this should be very interesting next week, is Arie looking for true love with Emily or true love with a producer?

An Exhausted Sick Mother Is Not Hot

"Get the F*^K Out"

Pretty Sean got the first date and Emily confirmed what we all thought, guys that perfect are usually boring errrrr uhhhhhhhhh ummmm but Sean you're not boring, ummmm you are super exciting.  Oh and Sean, you haven't been on a date for two years prior to the show?  My pathologicalserialkillersexaddictometer was going off big time as you tried to sell that story.    

Kalon, Kalon, Kalon you know you are competing with a bunch of busybodies, you can't say anything derogatory, ever.  Who doesn't agree that an exhausted sick mother is not sexy, but you don't vocalize it in front of people.  Don't worry I'm safe, my wife was sick and went to bed early so she didn't see the show. 

I really took solace in seeing Emily go backwoods West Virginia on his ass and then watching all the dudes sit silent and not take her back.  This was the validation that all of us non-confrontationals have been waiting for.  Now when Anneli gets mad at me for not defending her, I can always say hey but Arie, Travis, Ryan, Wolf and Dougie didn't defend Emily either and they were good enough for her.

Alejandro still can't get a word in on the show, even his Shakespeare was silenced.

Is there anything hotter than a cute girl who can drop an F bomb?


Is Emily really falling for Ryan's lame game, it is weak, but I gotta give it to him the next thing you know he is making out with her.

Jef and Emily are so rebellious sneaking away from the etiquette lady, she didn't see it coming with her "how strange where have they and the 15 cameras gone?"

Emily and Jef's date did give me goosebumps, Emily you had me at "When I move to Salt Lake".   Just wait until you see the City Creek Center, you won't believe it!

In the end my mute Colombian hermano got the boot. Alejandro you didn't expect to go home?  The first time I heard you speak was on your English cab ride out of there, Vaya Con Dios.    

Now that we officially have all of the minorities out of the house we can officially get serious about true love.  

P.S. Could the previews be any more of a spoiler than if I were to just google 'Bachelorette spoilers'.  In the later this season segment we saw Jef, Arie, Sean, Ryan and Chris.  No Dougie, Travis or Wolf. 

I'm Not Here to Impress You But To Make An Impression On You

Doug's date was a mirror image of my interview to be a dishwasher at Frontier Pies when I was 16. Frontier Pies Manager: What is your worst quality? JBJ: I'm a workaholic. Frontier Pies: Anything Else? JBJ: Some people have told me that I am too dedicated to my job. Suffice it to say I got the job, and half a shift later I quit. Come on Doug, I am so glad Emily called you out, your girlfriend broke up with you because you are too good of a Dad...please, we are not buying it.  Now breaking up with you cuz you won't clean her car, that I believe.

The group date didn't show us much of anything it was just another date that did not involve Alejandro or the long haired guy who eventually got evicted. Jef (yes I spelled it right) couldn't make a move cuz his fingers were ouchie but still managed to get the rose and he has moved dramatically up the standings and is someone to be reckoned with.

On the head to head date I thought Emily showed us a part of her ummmmm personality that we haven't seen previously. She really opened up, especially on the cliff jumping portion of the date and I for one appreciated her showing us this side to her ummmmm personality. There were two pieces of information that she provided that were fascinating.

Ryan then busted out Luke 12:48 to try and make Emily feel bad for kissing Arie in front of the potential fiances and all of the impressionable young girls of America whose negligent parents allow them to watch the Bachelorette (sorry Kalia, at least I try to cover your eyes during the kissing parts). I thought it was a decent move, scriptures are always a good tool to make someone feel guilty. I also appreciated him changing the subject when Emily tried to coerce him into correcting his previous statement that he won't love on her if she gets fat, stick to your guns bro.

The Chris v. Doug confrontation with eerie Bachelor music and lightning in the background was bizarre.  Chris we all know Doug is a fraud, but no need to let your own weirdness show. 

The eviction ceremony was fairly predictable. Ryan couldn't go this week as Emily has to tell him to get the bleep out next week. Charlie the second you admitted that you have brain damage it was only a matter of time that you and your wrinkled suits got bounced. As for the other dude, was he a cameraman or stage guy, haven't seen him before, and why was he crying? Did he lose his job?  Certainly it wasn't for Emily he has never spoken to her before. 

Can't wait for next week as who doesn't appreciate an appropriate F Bomb from a Sweet Southern Belle.

I Will Still Love You I Just Won't Love On You

Confession time, I thought Emily was boring and the show was dragging a bit.....prior to last night. There was a lot of goodness to get into. Let's start with the next Bachelor...Allesandro. This guy is a true player. Unless you have carried on a three year romantic relationship with your Cousin you don't know what love is. He straight told Em that he would consider compromising his fabulous life as a gypsy grain merchant in order to be with Emily oh and Ricki. Alle, I get it, I didn't lose it translation and I think any of us who have kids can relate to what you were saying. Tony Tony Tony you made such a rookie mistake. You have to wait to use the "I miss my kid so much card" until you have a chance to seal the deal. You were way premature and it got you sent home. You can't break that loving father act out until the fantasy suite (hope you were watching and taking notes Doug). Is there really a guy named "Wolf" on the show? Has Alejandro (the Colombian ear ring homey) said one word on the show or to Emily? Same for Michael (long hair dude)? Ryan had the classic conversation of the night when he told Emily she better not get lazy with that body, but its cool if she gets fat he will still love her he will just not love on her. I am sorely disappointed in Travis caving to Emily's friends telling him that carrying around a giant egg made him look like a delta bravo. If you are going to use a prop you should be forced to use it for the whole season. I loved that when Emily smashed it you could see all of the guys shadows looking through the window. In the end Stevie Shore got the boot, you can't expect E to keep someone who dances like that around Ricki. The risk of him taking Ricki on daddy daughter dates to fistpump in Karma was just too great. I have the final four and winner pegged and it is: Arie, Chris, Sean and Doug and the winner .....Chris (just a feeling). Finally, when are we going to start mixing in a hot tub?

Ricki Needs A Daddy!

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Like I wasn't going to blog about Emily. I think this is the season I've been waiting for and evidenced by the countless dudes crying it is going to be historic. Nice dress BTW. Here we go stream of consciousness style: Nice egg weirdo, that better be hard-boiled, what are you going to do when it breaks just like you and Emily's love.....TG we got the only black guy out of the house so quickly, the last thing we want is Emily having feelings for a minority......The natural thing to say to someone from Brazil speaking Portuguese would clearly be Gracias......Mrs. Doubtfire always gets me in the mood, I don't know what Emily's problem is?.....Finally a Colombian in the house, who doesn't like anteaters.....Helicopter guy is not a ratings plant, he is there for true love.....What the, there is a racecar driver in the house, how could producers not have thought how this might affect Emily ahead of time??......"I may have had a head injury but there is nothing wrong with my heart"...I know about wrinkled suits and Charlie's suit definitely had been on the bedroom floor for the last two weeks....Leave it to Utah to bring the "Power of Love" Marty McFly style entrance, he should have teamed up with boombox guy to play "don't need money, don't need fame, don't need no credit card to ride this train, it's the power of love.".....6 kid guy is right in giving up hope....Single dad guy is a little too interested in Ricki, a little creepy.....this is the hardest and most intense thing I've ever gone through says the delta bravo who just got voted out, you were there for 30 minutes, really, that is the hardest thing you have ever been through?.....Mr. Protein made an excellent point by removing his shirt, Emily did miss out, I even wanted to run my hands through his ab cleavage. On another note we have some very important and exciting Bachelor news, Chris Harrison is getting divorced. He immediately joins the ranks of Bradley Cooper, Derek Jeter, George Clooney and Tim Tebow as America's most eligible. Rumor has it that his wife Gwen got fed up with him announcing: Gwen, this is the final chicken salad sandwich, this is the final hot fudge sundae, this is the final egg, this is the final glass of milk, this is the final time you can go to bed, this is the final shower, this is the final tooth brushing and this is the final time I am going to cheat on you.