The Men Try Out As They Tell All

You are Dead to Us James and Ben and Mikey and Jonathan and Whoever Screws Over Des the Next Two Weeks

So the "Tell All" has really turned into one big audition to become the next Bachelor, and the winner IMO is....Zack.  Well played right down to the song "moving on".   I don't see any of the final 3 becoming the next Bachelor because A) Chris' dad and family is too weird; B) Drew is auditioning to become the first Gaychelor airing on LOGO; and C) Brooks is looking like he may be a villain who will immediately be tossed into the blender with James/Ben/Jonathan/Mikey.

The only other alternative....you guessed it our man Who Juan.  Personally I think this could end up being amazing TV, but I'm not sure ABC is ready to go Telenovela with its most important franchise.

Why are we investing in alternative forms of energy when we could just harvest the wind from all of the middle-aged head-shaking at the "tell all" and power generations of Americans?

Harrison and ABC your biggest Bachelor/ette fan is here and I am ready for you to crash my viewing party, if you too want to see this start tweeting @chrisbharrison #jbjviewingparty, everyone who tweets gets invited to the party.  I think I would die if Catherine and Sean showed up at my crib, I would even settle for Pavelka and Harrison you can creepily peer into my window any time.  

Before she had to go to the hot seat Des sat down with some former Bachelorettes for advice.  Ali sure has a lot to say for someone who went on the show and then left right before the end in order to save her job.  Emily sure has a lot to say for someone who was sexting Matt Leinart while still with One F Jef.   And did you notice that Ashley didn't get one word in, why was she there?

Hilarious, Diogo doesn't get to patricipate in the Men Tell All because he can't get through the metal detector.

First up on the hot seat our Father of the Year, Ben.  Uh oh Brad drops the bomb that Ben's baby momma says he is not a great father and only recently took an interest in young Brody.  I am not buying that, he seemed so sincere with Desiree.

Next up Invisible Brian.  Brian where are you?  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  We learned that you were dating a former playboy model, that you slept with her 2 days before the show and that she threw rocks at you; Respect.  

Next up James.  James this is your big chance to prove to America that you should be the next Bachelor.  Uh oh this is not going well, blame it on Mikey, blame it on Mikey.  Oh no, Now Mikey is standing up threatening Kasey #abouttocry for making him US Weekly fodder as if that is a bad thing.  Objection hearsay; Objection Hearsay.  Michael G, I got this, allow JBJ to step in, this is an exception to hearsay as an admission and declaration against interest under Cal. Evid. Code Section 1220 Et Seq.   More booing and off you go James, well at least you will always have Plan B, you and Mikey in intimate settings on a boat.    

Who Pablo is up next.  This guy is beloved, and rightfully so.  What a great father, I mean he spends all his weekends with his daughter.  In case you were wondering who is the mother, JBJ has your back:

Desiree Who?

I don't think Who Pablo is going to be needing to be the next Bachelor to find true love.

Finally we get Zack in the hot seat and we break out an invisible pen light to read his thoughts on love. Prediction: That journal is undoubtedly going to be seen again.  I wonder what Chris has to say about Zack's poem, it wasn't too shabby.  I haven't seen so many dudes reading and writing poetry since Robin Williams inspired a group of young men to Carpe Diem.  

Des now joins the men on stage and is quite chippy in letting the guys know what insincere pricks they are. Can we get onto the previews and the postgame reaction from the yayhoos in the audience.  

Oh the previews.  According to the previews ABC wants us to believe the following: Drew is eliminated; Brooks breaks up with Des; Chris shows up to the engagment only for Des to let him know her heart is not in it as she still loves Brooks and the show ends with Des heartbroken and alone.  Something tells me we are being duped.  (That something is my experience such as Des' boyfriend confronting Sean or One of the guys getting punched out this year; etc. etc.).   The good news is we still get 2 more weeks of must watch true love.

P.S. ABC, are you serious with the audience cougars giving their reactions to the previews?  Really weird.