Assault in the Fantasy Suite

"Deeeeefaaaaaaauuuuuullllllllttttttt"

And lookie what we have here, the Bachelor is returning to St. Lucia for the fantasy suites.  For you Bachelor historians like myself I'm sure you remember the last time the fantasy suites went to St. Lucia, this mistake happened:

Vienna I enjoyed sleeping with you in the F Suite Will You Marry Me?

First Serving Of Juan Pablo Goes to Clare:
Clare are you really going to try and sell us that you might not go to the F. Suite.  No one is buying it, we know you are going to swim him tonight.  Oh and what do you know she is accepting the offer to fantasy suite it up.  Clare's only mistake was not breaking out the Daddy DVD in the fantasy suite, she could have really ramped up the pressure on JP.  

Sloppy Seconds of Juan Pablo Goes to Andi:
A lot of lead-up to this one.  I gotta say I was hook line and sinker with the previews regarding Andi's fantasy suite debacle.  My imagination ran wild....did JP get a little handsy......did JP come clean about his affinity for a "vietnamese ocean swim"......did JP show Andi his (explicit warning) anteater....what could possibly have made Andi declare that she could not wait to get out of that fantasy suite.  And the answer is.....he didn't validate your feelings (r u serious?).  Someone needs to stand up for JP here and why not me.  Andi it is a "fantasy" suite, no guy has ever fantasized about validating feelings.  Andi I also am ESL and us Latinos never use the word default, you are lying.  Andi you are clearly trying out to be the next bachelorette, but I see right through it, you were getting dangerously close to getting picked and you decided to go the Ali route, bailout and see if you can get picked as the next Bachelorette (oh and what a coincidence Ali also bailed on St. Lucia).  Andi I do agree that name dropping is super lame and annoying, hold up Anneli can you pause the show I gotta take this call from Afeni Shakur so I can let her know I'll call her back when I get done sending this care package out to David Archuleta, like I was saying it is very important to be real and trying to act cool and impress chicks by letting everyone know that you have celebrity friends is immature.

I gotta finish this blog I got things to do

Another touch of ABC genius show Andi's video as she is walking up the driveway.  I did like the Andi v. JP argument.  No matter how many times Andi told him not to say the work OK he couldn't stop and finished it with an "ok ****, I can't stop saying it", seriously awesome.  It's all good we knew that Andi and JP were never going to be a match.  JP is an intellectual who likes worldly cultured ladies and Andi is a tramp who poses naked in the name of saving dogs.  

Sloppy Seconds of Juan Pablo (Andi obvi did not partake so it is not thirds) goes to Nikki:
Nikki, I gotta say, what a genius way to enter the date.  Who doesn't appreciate a nip slip to start a date.  The serious nature of the date continues as JP lets Nikki know that he wishes she was riding the horse without pants in a thong.  Okay maybe Andi was right.

Nikki don't go into the ocean with him he loves to swim, stop oh no she is in the ocean and here they go they are taking a swim, what is Camila going to think?

So we are down to the final two that we knew were going to compete for the true love of JP.  It is a tough call they both have swam in the ocean so maybe he should just go with the better swimmer.