You Didn't Let Him Enter the Cave and You Got Sent Home

No Spelunking For You

Episode starts with Sean explaining that he is so excited to be in the South of Thailand.  Call me unsophisticated but has anyone ever heard it called the South of Thailand?  I've heard South of France but never South of Thailand.

Lindsay:
Sean learns that the one thing Lindsay won't do is eat a bug, oh and lookie here an assortment of bugs at a Thai market.  Sean exclaims "what do we have here" and Lindsay whispers to him "they are bugs".  Lindsay, you are a regular Sherlock Holmes we would have never known what all those creepy crawly things were.  Lindsay eats the bug to prove her love for Sean (***explicit content warning), that is probably not the only thing Lindsay is willing to put in her mouth to gain Sean's love.  Sorry.

Now that Sean knows Lindsay will do anything it seems time to transition to the fantasy suite.  Lindsay awkwardly tells Sean she loves him and they retire to the suite without hesitation or any caveat from Lindsay that by going to the fantasy suite she is not a slut.

AshLee:
We learn that AshLee has abandonment issues (shocking we haven't heard this from her prior) and that the only way to get over her issues would be to swim through a cave and a very skimpy bikini.  I don't know what she is worried about she has two quite capable floating devices.  As Sean and AshLee swim through the cave we learn that she has not been this vulnerable since two weeks ago when she blindfolded herself.

AshLee tells us that this is how life is when you are with the person you love it is like going down a dark alley way.  So true, what married person doesn't feel like they could be jumped at any moment.

AshLee lets Sean know that entering the cave was not a metaphor for what would be happening in the fantasy suite and that they would be talking all night long......uh bye bye.  

AshLee a word of advice for future reality show endeavors (perhaps Bachelor Pad).  I could have sworn that earlier in the episode I saw a tongue ring and I definitely saw your bathing suit.  You aren't fooling anyone including Sean with the sudden spat of morality, now get yourself in that fantasy suite and let Sean do some more spelunking so that you can show him that you really are soulmates.

Catherine:
Catherine lets Sean know that she is super silly but also really serious (trees will do that to you).  Sean tells her he loves her weirdness and tries to brush her hair back and pokes her in the eye (a symbolic branch to the eye if you will).

Catherine tells Sean that Seattle is expired.  Who doesn't compare their city to milk?

She then lets us know she has been worried about showing a different side of herself in the fantasy suite (the naked side) uhh last I checked that is the whole point of the fantasy suite.   Catherine says when the show began she thought about what goes on in the fantasy suite and that she wouldn't let herself do THAT but then weeks went by and she realized it has nothing to do with THAT but it is about spending time with Sean, doing THAT and that she is now okay with doing THAT.

Catherine lets us know that it feels good to just have the two of them spending intimate time with no one else around.  The fact that we are watching you two in the pool this makes me think that it isn't just you two?

Harrison:
Now would be a good time to address the tweets posted throughout the show as we get a tweet from Chris Harrison "Each date card is handcrafted & signed with love or the hope of love".  A little creepy C-Harr.  ABC are we trying to watch the evolution of true love or an episode of pop-up video?  I didn't love the tweets but I must admit I fired off a few in hopes of making the show.

Harrison appears and tells us to imagine being in a beautiful land entangled with 3 beautiful women, oh no this sounds serious, psyche a 15 minute commercial for Oz.

The Videos:
Lindsay gives us a cute wedding dress joke and is anyone else annoyed by the way she talks?  I can only describe her as mousy.  Hopefully she won't be as drunk at their real wedding as she was on the first night of the season.

AshLee, oh Ashlee you definitely sealed your fate with the crying video.  You have to give just a little cry and then pull it together.  He was scared of your emotional instability and constant talk of walls and abandonment and issues and the video sealed it.  It's really unfortunate because your body had some real potential to find true love.  (Oh and ABC you dropped the ball, a snarky tweet would have been perfectly timed during AshLee's cryfest)

Catherine lets Sean know that he is a megahunk that gives her the wiggles.  Classic Catherine and that is why she is still around, good for her.

Rose Ceremony:
The girls are looking lovely, AshLee really has broken down some walls to the point that she may or may not have just had a nipslip as Harrison escorted her in.  Wait, should I be pausing this right on AshLee's chest when my wife is in the room?  But, she has a stripe on her right boob, what is that?

Sean obviously picks Lindsay and then takes an eternity to annihilate AshLee's hopes and dreams.  BTW, where is Harrison, there is only one rose remaining from what I can tell, but I can't be sure, where is the announcement, I am so confused, could there be two roses remaining?  Alas, I suppose ABC left it to our own intelligence and there was only one rose and it went to not AshLee.  I feel an epic meltdown coming.

Sean asks Ashlee to at least let him explain and give his reason why, she waits and he tells her that it was a very hard decision.  Ummm, that is not a reason why.  Emotional baggage, now that is a reason why.  Too serious, another reason why.  Got married at age 17, another reason why.  Oh well, we'll have to live with it was hard and you are a great person as the reason Sean gave us.  In all honesty, it was a bit sad though, I did like AshLee and I hope that she can find someone that will love her and good news for her she actually held up decently in the ride of shame, she had to hide her face but she didn't say anything too embarrassing, I expected it to be much worse.         


So it comes down to this.  A girl who on night one dressed up in a wedding dress, got wasted and tried to make out with Sean v. A girl who has a nose ring that learned from a tree at the age of 12 that all she wanted out of life was to be married.   Either way Sean is a winner.

Sean Tells All, Well Kind of All

What kind of tell all doesn't discuss details of the fantasy suites, lame.  ABC if you are going to promote a tell all we demand to know what base Sean got to with each and every girl and how many times.

Instead the show starts with Sean telling us how excited he is for the alone dates so he can be away from the cameras and the girls can feel comfortable asking him anything oh and so he can see them naked.

We then find out that Sean wanted to hit poor Nathan for calling him a playboy as nothing could be further from the truth.

Sean & AshLee

Sean & Catherine

Sean & Des

Sean & Kristy

Sean & Leslie

Sean & Lindsay

Sean & Robyn

Sean & Sarah

Sean & Selma

Sean & Tierra

Clearly Nathan has no clue what he is talking about I'll go with Sean and we'll just chalk it up to Nathan being a jackass.

Did Heidi Montag just get a tweet through, what does JBJ have to do to get a tweet read.

Leslie told Sean to stick it in her mouth and she didn't make it to the fantasy suite why?

Harrison addresses the rumors that Tierra is a plant and that ABC made him keep her etc.. etc.. Sean replies that this was not the case and that he was not aware of what was going on or he would have sent her home.

Then Harrison talks about Montana and how Sean witnessed the fight between Tierra and Robyn that went on for several hours.  Wait a second didn't you just say that you had no idea Tierra was like that?  Which is it you knew or didn't know about Tierra?

BTW, who has the stamina to fight for several hours?  You fight for a half hour or so, say a weak sorry and makeup in a physical manner, it works every time.

I want to meet Shades of Gray's mother.

Daniella, what kind of Harrison impression doesn't address "ladies this is the final rose"?  Although that was the most we saw of you all season.

Harrison then goes to the fantasy suite issue by asking Sean: "Let's be honest what takes place inside the fantasy suite."  Oh no he didn't!  Harrison went there.  Harrison then asks if it is a chance to be physical?  To which Sean gives him a nunya bizness.  So apparently Sean will bang all three but not discuss it, ahhhh I'm with you Harrison it is so nice to see that there are still gentlemen out there.

The previews look pretty dramatic Catherine declines Sean's offer to see if they are really in love by laying with him, someone sends him a note to the alter (my guess is Des), Ashlee lets Sean know that she has some abandonment issues and Sean gets Lindsay pregnant, should be fascinating.

Oh boy, I hope you all stuck around to the end.  If you didn't then you missed this:

Do I have to confess to my Bishop that I have viewed man porn?

Thanks A Lot Nathan! and Monica! and India!

You Are A Playboy

 Wow!  Where, do I start with the always awkward hometown dates.  Did you all know that where I live there is pretty much only one season?  Now that we have broken the ice let's get into this.

AshLee:
If The Bachelor has done one thing this season it has let AshLee know what true love is.  Having an incredible father adopt you after being in 5 foster homes in 1 year is sorta love but dating a guy while he dates 24 other chicks, now that is the real love that we can get behind.   

AshLee has dreamed of bringing Sean home as long as she can remember, ok you met him 3 weeks ago.

AshLee if you really wanted a man that would protect your heart you should meet this guy named Kasey, he would actually tattoo your heart being protected.

AshLee explained to her parents that the Polar Bear Dive was something akin to a baptism which she then followed up with a romp in the sand in St. Croix.  

Gotta say, AshLee's dad is pretty legit and I am typing while tears hit my fingers following his story of falling for AshLee.

The date ends with AshLee telling Sean "I Love You" and Sean responding with "You're the Best"


Catherine:
Sean arrives in Seattle and shows Catherine he knows how to work the tuna.   Catherine lets us know that what she loves about Sean is his smell and his "beefy arms".   They head to Catherine's house, which to my surprise is heavily wooded.   If I had been through what Catherine has I would be living in a wheat field. 

Sean meets the family and mamongs Catherine's grandma which wasn't awkward at all.  Catherine's sisters Monica and India then let Sean know that Catherine is a messy, moody, crazy woman who would be a terrible mom.

In the end Sean goes for the mother's blessing and gets a uhhh we'll see.  At that point Sean should have just asked mom about the weather in the Philippines until she came around.

Does anyone know why Catherine's dad wasn't there?  Oh he tried to kill himself in front of the whole family, my bad.    


Lindsay:
In preparation of meeting General Yenter, Lindsay forces Sean to wear an Army turtleneck and do the lamest exercise routine ever.  Do a situp get a kiss, do a pushup with me sitting on you, gag.  

Sean lets Lindsay knew that he went to college by Ft. Riley in Kansas (shoutout to JBJ reader General Oates or is it cool to call you Mr. Oates or just Jake) and that he knows all about the small army town vibe. 

Sean woos the mother and then goes in for the blessing from General Yenter.  Who responds with "Are you asking me for my blessing now? Ummmmmm, well that is kind of tough....paratroopers manage risk, so if you were to parachute into the jungle and then blow up an enemy encampment and then take a battalion of men as prisoners of war and then fight off a gang of unruly rebels than you would have the authority to make a decision so in short you have my blessing."  Now take these ID tags and don't even think of calling them dog tags.  


Desiree:
The main event, this is going to be so great. 

Des takes Sean on a hike to view the beautiful L.A. scenery and I love L.A. but upon seeing that view with the abundant smog all I could think of was emphysema.  

Queue the Actor playing Desiree's boyfriend, oh no no no no no no, you got me again ABC as soon as Des' "boyfriend" starts talking I have to pause it, he is the worst actor I've ever seen and this moment I have been waiting for all season is nothing more than a practical joke, I hate myself for thinking this was really going to be real.   Unpause and Sean falls for the most poorly executed practical joke since one of the dudes from the Bachelorette pretended to still live at home. 

But all is not lost, queue Nathan the true love killing brother.  Nathan starts by giving Des that age old advice that marriage is not about making your partner happy   Nathan proceeds to let Sean know that he would like to holla at him real quick outside and lets him know that he sees no reciprocation and that Sean is nothing more than a playboy.  Sean unsuccessfully tries to diffuse but Nathan aint havin it. 

They go back inside and Nathan lets the whole family know that he being skeptical of Sean would be an understatement, oh snap, go to the weather the weather, did you know that where I come from there are 4 seasons.   Fascinating convo dad, but shockingly the talk of seasons wasn't enough to salvage the date.

Sidebar: Anyone else notice the burglar out back climbing around at the 1:31 mark.  I thought Sean had scaled the back wall and was coming back in to exact punishment on Nate.  


At this point Sean is quite confused, no clarity and logically the person to help with any confusion, our man Harrison.   Harrsion provides some deep insight such as: "My advice, get this right", thanks Harrison, actually my plan was to get this wrong. 


Rose Ceremony (perhaps the most dramatic ever):
Sean decides to go a different route than previous Bachelors and decides to follow his heart.  Before we can even get going Des asks to speak to Sean (in what I thought was a stroke of genius) and she apologizes for her d-bag brother.  This should become a more common strategy in the future.  As soon as Harrison announces that we have one rose remaining ask to speak to the Bachelor and go back and try to hook it up.

Sean gives the first two roses to AshLee and Lindsay and then dramatically sets the third rose down and heads back from some more time with Harrison.   This is unprecedented.   Sean returns and drops a tree limb on Des severing her from the competition.   I don't know who was more shocked Des or myself?  Des looked great at the rose ceremony and I have to say after watching them say their goodbyes that I agree with Des, he 100% made a mistake.  They nearly made out at the limo.


Can't wait for next week, yeah you know what time is......fantasy suite time, where true love connections are made.  




PS My brother McKay is a finalist to be on the next taping of the Bachelorette, and McKay trust me I would never Nate the Bachelorette if she came to our hometown.   

I Thought He Was Dead?

Sean, This Could Have Been You, With The Help of Neil Lane

Emergency news regarding The Tierraorist......She is engaged, to an Ex-Boyfriend!

My first thought...wasn't he dead?

Turns out that Tierra is engaged to a "mystery man" whom she has been dating for the last 4 years.  At this point we should probably do a little math:

* Tierra is 24 and she has dated this mystery man for at least 4 years, meaning they began dating when she was 20.

* Tierra stated that she dated a man for 8 years who was in and out of rehab until he eventually died, meaning they began dating when she was 12.  That is pretty young to be dating a guy in rehab, seems a bit curious. 

A few words of advice for the future Mr. Tierra:
1) Do not introduce her to any of your sisters, girls hate her.
2) Do not expect to come home to a smiling wife, smiling makes her face tired.
3) Botox is out, she would rather not be able to control her eyebrows.
4) She is really into boating, keep that in mind when considering honeymoon options.
5) You better make this official, and quick, before the call comes for the Bachelor Pad and she gets a chance to dump you for more pub.  

Bachelor Recap: My Face Is Frickin Tired, If Only I Could Control It

Ahhh I Can't Control My Face

 Finally we get to some warm weather where we can really get to know the girls personalities.  The first one on one card comes and cougar alert, cougar alert the date is going to AshLee.

One On One - AshLee
The date starts with Sean telling us that he has seen another side of AshLee and he has a pretty good idea who AshLee as she simultaneously peels off her clothes.   And woe, I now have also seen another side of AshLee and I definitely did not know who she was.  She is so much more than I previously knew, Montana can do that to you.  AshLee has definitely come to play with that bikini, and is it just me or does she have a little of that Tori Spelling gap cleavage that we all love?

AshLee lets us know that she loves the town of St. Croix.  I hate to admit but JBJ is a bit of a geography nerd so I may have to correct AshLee a bit.  St. Croix is not a town it is actually an island, part of the U.S. Virgin Islands to be exact.   

AshLee then tells Sean that she has a terrible secret from her past, we wait and wait for her to divulge c'mon what is it already?  Gonorrhea from a tractor? Bortion? Jail Time?  Fiance at home?  Ahh the good old I've been married before, and it was when I was 17.   Sean lets her know that it is fine and that he thought it was going to be something way worse.  I have to agree, from my experience most 17 year olds that get married do not have issues, keep it moving, and they do heading to the ocean for some get to know you time.


We cut back to the girls back at the house and learn that Tierra is sleeping in a cot rather than being in the vicinity of the other girls.  The date card comes and we learn that Tierra is finally getting that one on one she has been coveting and that they are going to explore the city.

Sean how insensitive can you be, don't you know that Tierra is really into boating?  Instead you make her deal with sweat and bugs and people, what a jerk.


One On One - Tierra
Tierra and Sean head into town and she acts like this is the best date she has ever been on.  Tierra tells us she is sweaty, gross and thirsty.   America agrees.  Sean and Tierra shop at a jewelry stand on the street and she picks out a necklace and tells us Sean knew just where to take her shopping as if he was choosing between Tiffany and Coach.

Tierra confronts Sean about an apparent distance and realizes that AshLee "threw her under the bus" and ruined her opportunity at true love.  At least it had nothing to do with her personality.         


Group Date - Sun Up to Sun Down
Sean wakes the girls up and snaps pictures of them with no makeup and the no makeup loser appears to be Lindsay.

They then head to the easternmost part of St. Croix to see the sunrise.  Sean tells the girls that to the left is the Atlantic Ocean and to the right the Caribbean.   Okay here come JBJ the geography nerd again, the Caribbean is actually part of the Atlantic Ocean.

Things we learned on the group date: 1) Desiree is good at tying men up; 2) Catherine's dad tried to kill himself in front of her and her siblings, I don't think a tree was involved 3) Sean really likes Lindsay  for some reason, she isn't cute and she dressed up in a wedding dress and got wasted in week one?


One On One - Leslie
Every year we have one, the person that gets booted for not breaking down emotional walls.  This year the victim was Leslie, for some reason she couldn't allow the process of 25 girls dating 1 guy to break down the walls that she has put it up and it cost her a chance at love.  She tried to be cool by letting Sean know that she just likes to chill with her man and watch football and have a few beers, but apparently that wasn't enough.


Meanwhile, back at the house all hell has broken loose between Tierra and AshLee and finally some good material for JBJ to work with.

Tierra decides to confront AshLee about sabotaging her date with Sean.   Tierra lets AshLee know that 1) women are jealous of her but that men love her; 2) AshLee is old and that at 32 she should already have a man and a family; 3) Tierra can't control her face, she wishes she could but she can't, her eyebrows are going to do what they are going to do besides if she could control her face to smile all the time her face would be frickin tired; 4) Apparently she can't control the eyebrows because she has never had botox (I was unaware that botox gave you eyebrow control?  Who says that you can't learn things from reality dating shows).  

I have to agree with Tierra, during her breakdown I couldn't control my face and by the end of the episode my face was exhausted.

While the face/eyebrow drama is going down Sean is out back with his sister getting some advice (and sound advice at that).  Sean's sister basically tells him don't be the idiot that ends up with Courtney or Vienna.   Sean tells her about the Tierraorist and asks if she wants to meet her.  Sean goes to get Tierra and walks in on the unfolding drama at which point he wastes no time and dumps Tierra (you will be missed Tierrable, see you this summer on the Bachelor Pad).  


Rose Ceremony:
Sean shows up and lets the girls know the Tierraorist is gone and the girls prove Tierra right as they could not control their faces or eyebrows from showing their satisfaction.

AshLee unnecessarily freaks out thinking that Sean's drama barb was directed at her but in the end Leslie and her walls get the ax.

Catherine is oddly very upset about Leslie going?  If Leslie is so great shouldn't you be happy she is gone? 

Desiree is stoked to take Sean to the family tent to meet her parents.   


Preview Of Hometown Week:
Catherine is a player not ready to settle down.

Lindsay's 5 star general dad is surprisingly very serious.   

Desiree's brother is about to get a beatdown, you don't talk to our boy Sean like that.  Have you not seen him with his shirt off?

Desiree's Brother Is Dead

JBJ Prediction: Des v. AshLee with Des winning (and no I never go to spoiler sites, avoid them like the plague)

2013 Grammy Awards Recap: Katy Perry Has a Large Bosom

What Dress Code?

 LL opens the show by introducing T Swizzle.  LL, you do know that the izzle language went out around 2009 don't you.  I knew we were in trouble when LL walked in.  

T-Swift went with some kind of freaky Alice in Wonderland theme.   There were bunnies and dudes on tricycles and I think I saw John Mayer/Taylor Lautner/ Harry Styles/Jake Gyllenhaal/ and/or Conor Kennedy strapped to a spinning wheel.   Overall it went well with her breaking out a British accent to especially stick it to Harry Styles.  I am a big T Swizzle fan but at this point you would have to be an idiot to date her. 

LL do the Grammys belong to the Artists or to the Whole World?  Clarification please.

Pan to Ellen hugging a woman, did everyone else out there know she was a lesbian?  Honestly, I think that is the first time I've seen Ellen physical with a woman.  Pan to Katy Perry's abnormally large chest.   Pan to J Lo's entire leg.   Wasn't there supposed to be a dress code this year?  Pan to Rihanna, and yes she is there with Chris Brown, so what, I don't see the big deal in attending the Grammys with the same guy that kept you out of the previous Grammys when he beat you unconscious.  

A little advice to Chris Brown, picking up and throwing away your own bottles while are at the Grammys does not count as community service.







Fun plays in a pouring rain and somehow avoids electrocution.  Umm, I was at Pearl Jam in the pouring rain in 1995 when Eddie Vedder canceled saying he couldn't play due to the downpour.  I feel duped, if Fun can do it why can't you Eddie. 

30 minutes later and yes Katy Perry still has an enormous rack.

Johnny Depp introduces Sublime, wow they haven't been around for a bit, are they going to sing Santeria? Oh wait he said the Sublime pause Mumford & Sons.

Apparently Beyonce can't read.  

Kelly Clarkson, I'll stay away from this one.  I was going to say that some girl that ate Kelly Clarkson accepted her award.

The Zac Brown Band thanked CAA and their financial advisors.  That was real country.   

Katy Perry announces best new artiest and yes she is still top heavy.

Carrie Underwood's dress turns into a movie screen and gotta say that was pretty cool.

Frank Ocean sings Forrest Gump?  WTH was that?  Did I miss something?

 Ryan Seacrest just picked up his 8th job doing something for the Grammys and music teachers.

LL closes the show with something that is not Momma Said Knock You Out and gets interrupted by a Hilton and Delta plug but it was still off the hizzle.



  

Oxygen Tubes Are Not Hot

I was adopted then moved into a tent where my addict boyfriend lived until a tree crashed into the tent and killed him.  This year has quickly turned from which girl has the most qualities in a potential wife to which girl has had the hardest life experiences.   

ABC can you please explain to me how Leslie dropped "Tierraorist" tonight?  It is quite the coinkidink that I name my post from last night's episode "She is a Tierraorist" and then Leslie happens to drop the phrase into an interview tonight.  I have to believe that ABC read my blog, loved it and called Leslie to get some footage to plug into tonight's episode.  If you require empirical proof go ahead and google "Tierraorist" this is what you will see:

JonoBeingJono At The Top of Google

ONE ON ONE: Catherine

The whole Montana/Canada idea is not working.  All we see is a bunch of girls wrapped up like the little boy in The Christmas Story.  How is Sean supposed to know if he can fall in love with Catherine if he hasn't seen her in a bikini?  Catherine is able to score a rose by showing Sean her serious side with a horrifying story of a kid being killed instantly by a falling tree which taught her that what she wanted most in life was to find a husband.

GROUP DATE: Polar Bear Club
Finally the moment we have all been waiting for, would this be the moment that Tierrable actually dies?

The girls have to paddle a canoe across a lake and one of them gets to ride with Sean.  Leslie quickly volunteers to chill in Sean's boat.  Leslie, did it occur to you that you just forced a girl with one arm to try and paddle a canoe?

Shawn tells the girls that YOLO and it is time to jump into the lake.  The girls (sans Selma) strip to their bikinis and immerse themselves in freezing water.  Apparently Selma's version of YOLO is the Adam Levine/Sandberg version played recently on SNL.  Afterward, the group is overexcited by the moment only to see Stalkierra floundering around the beach like a fish out of water.   Scarierra then fakes a seizure (which personally was my favorite part, especially when she broke out the lobster claws) and is rushed to the hospital, oh wait they didn't take her to the hospital, rather they just dropped her off at the the hotel, she is such a trooper.  I at least wanted to see her have a toe amputated but the best we got was her putting oxygen tubes up her own nose in a weak attempt at sympathy.  Tierra, it is common knowledge that the cure for hypothermia is to join someone naked in a sleeping bag, I am really shocked that you didn't pull this out of your repertoire.  Oh and ABC, nice touch with the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" reference followed by a real life crying wolf.

Prior to the next one on one Sean so kindly spares Sarah's feelings by pulling her out of the room and telling her to get to steppin.  It does seem far more humane to make a girl walk back into a room and tell everyone she has been sent home rather than going to the rose ceremony where she can easily grab her already packed bag and bolt.   When Sarah walks back in and announces that she is gone the girls react with shock with one girl yelling Why??  What did you expect her to say, well the reason why is because he didn't feel comfortable by the fact that I have one arm.

ONE ON ONE: Des
The one on one with Des was rather uneventful other than them going into a Native American sweat lodge where Sean learns that Des used to be homeless.   Des is a definite frontrunner despite the fact that her boyfriend from home will be showing up shortly.

ROSE CEREMONY:
AshLee has Sean blindfold her and I got excited that this might get interesting but she then proceeded to give us approximately 15 metaphors about trust, love and breaking down walls, kind of boring but all very important points in a quest for true love.

Selma gives Sean the weakest kiss ever but says that she brought out the big guns, I would have to agree:

Big Guns - Weak Kiss

However, I feel that every week I have to give another piece of advice from The Bachelor Authority on how to find true love: no tongue = no true love and no rose, Selma learns the hard way.  

Daniella also gets bounced and she announces that she is shocked.  Why?  Because you never talked to Sean and therefore weren't able to show him that you are just as annoying as the other girls.


Next week we finally get to a beach location where we can really assess the possibility of true love.  

She is a Tierraorist

"Just Hold It Like This"

She is a Tierraorist, and no I'm not speaking about Selma.  There is no bigger candidate right now for the Bachelor Pad then our favorite Sean Suitor the one and only Tierra  "The Tierrable" "The Tierraorist" or maybe even to some "The Tierrafic".

So last week I gave ABC Production major props for the drop the rose over the balcony scene with the close-up of the rose splattering against the ground with petals flying.......but I may have been a little premature in my praise.   Let me give you a hint ABC, if you want to create drama on the 2 on 1 date about who is going to go home don't run a preview of TOMORROW's episode with one of the girls still on.  We all knew Jackie had no chance because you have been showing endless promos of Tierra's hypothermic shock and tubes up her nose (on a sidenote I don't think I could hook up with someone ever again once I had the visual of the tubes in the nose).  Jackie did take away any remaining drama by taking the opportunity on the one on one date to tattle and go into girl drama.  How many times do I have to tell these broads that you do not get involved in girl drama.  If you get one on one with Sean you take that time to complement him and make-out   Why is this concept so difficult?   Also if you are going to be drama (aka Daniella) you have to quickly transition from drama to making-out.  I have never been a witness to such a quick transition from bawling to ehhhhhhhhh tongue down throat, it was weird, but it bought her another night and yes she is going home tonight.

Anyone notice that Lindsay raved about Sean's morals and that he is such a "classy" guy as she jumped up to straddle him?  Lindsay also brought us "He is so good looking on the eyes", as opposed to what, good looking on the feet? elbow? nose?  On a somewhat unrelated but related because she was on the Bachelor note, I have unfortunately not heard of Sarah Darling, however, love her, I haven't heard a lyric as clever as "I wanna be your cigarette" since Taylor Swift said  I knew you were trouble when you walked in.  Who doesn't want to be a disgusting, smelly serial killer?

The Group Date was awesome even if it turned out to be pointless.  The girls participated in a lumberjack challenge which involved milking a goat.  Our pure Selma showed Desiree that milking a goat was akin to giving an HJ.  Selma, I hope your mother wasn't watching that demo because you looked like a pro.  In the end the red team wins and Catherine, Ashlee, Daniella and someone else I can't remember were sent back to the hotel.  ABC proceeded with another production snafu when in one scene they are celebrating and Robyn has on her red short and a short second later Robyn no longer has the red shirt? Weird?

The lumberjack winners headed to a bar where they are informed that even though Desiree chugged a cup of warm goat's milk that the other team is also being invited back.   The winners immediately begin to pout especially Robyn.   Desiree did have a good line "We won and what do we get, time with Shawn, oh cool the losers get it too", that was kinda funny.

To make things worse not only do the four losers get to join the date but Stalkierra wanders out and finds Sean to tell him that she came all the way to Montana to be with him not to get slapped in the face by some 2 on 1 date.  Quite a sacrifice she made holing up in that 5 star resort.  I would like to hate on Tierra for wandering about Montana looking for Sean but do we not find Sean incredibly finding Emily in a random alley in Prague....Tierra went to his own playbook, touche.

I love me some Catherine, but could she please unclench her teeth when she talks.

Finally we get to the 2 on 1 date where Tierra is in her element, she gives us numerous crazy laughing videos while being interviewed by production and in order to seal the deal lets us know that her last boyfriend was an addict and just so you know he is not still around he is now dead.  Aha it all makes sense now ....sorta...well not at all.  So if you used to date an addict you now have license to act like a crazy embecil, okay on that note here is a rose.  BTW where did Jackie come from?  Has she been on the show before or is she some Random they picked up in Montana?

Does anyone else notice Tierra's language in solo or around the girls ie "If I was fighter I would beat the sh*% out of these bit*%#*."  But around Sean she drops a "What the Heck".  Pretty good.

So Robyn joins Jackie and gets bounced.  No reason to be sad though Robyn you have made us all proud and you will go home with the accomplishment: Longest a black woman has ever lasted on a dating show.  We elected Obama and Sean kept you around until the travel dates a true sign that our racial attitudes are evolving.  


Uh, What's that your Honor?  Why am I furiously typing on my laptop in the Courtroom?..........Sorry readers I gotta go.....we'll talk again tonight when Tierra starts convulsing.