The Men Try Out As They Tell All

You are Dead to Us James and Ben and Mikey and Jonathan and Whoever Screws Over Des the Next Two Weeks

So the "Tell All" has really turned into one big audition to become the next Bachelor, and the winner IMO is....Zack.  Well played right down to the song "moving on".   I don't see any of the final 3 becoming the next Bachelor because A) Chris' dad and family is too weird; B) Drew is auditioning to become the first Gaychelor airing on LOGO; and C) Brooks is looking like he may be a villain who will immediately be tossed into the blender with James/Ben/Jonathan/Mikey.

The only other alternative....you guessed it our man Who Juan.  Personally I think this could end up being amazing TV, but I'm not sure ABC is ready to go Telenovela with its most important franchise.

Why are we investing in alternative forms of energy when we could just harvest the wind from all of the middle-aged head-shaking at the "tell all" and power generations of Americans?

Harrison and ABC your biggest Bachelor/ette fan is here and I am ready for you to crash my viewing party, if you too want to see this start tweeting @chrisbharrison #jbjviewingparty, everyone who tweets gets invited to the party.  I think I would die if Catherine and Sean showed up at my crib, I would even settle for Pavelka and Harrison you can creepily peer into my window any time.  

Before she had to go to the hot seat Des sat down with some former Bachelorettes for advice.  Ali sure has a lot to say for someone who went on the show and then left right before the end in order to save her job.  Emily sure has a lot to say for someone who was sexting Matt Leinart while still with One F Jef.   And did you notice that Ashley didn't get one word in, why was she there?

Hilarious, Diogo doesn't get to patricipate in the Men Tell All because he can't get through the metal detector.

First up on the hot seat our Father of the Year, Ben.  Uh oh Brad drops the bomb that Ben's baby momma says he is not a great father and only recently took an interest in young Brody.  I am not buying that, he seemed so sincere with Desiree.

Next up Invisible Brian.  Brian where are you?  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  We learned that you were dating a former playboy model, that you slept with her 2 days before the show and that she threw rocks at you; Respect.  

Next up James.  James this is your big chance to prove to America that you should be the next Bachelor.  Uh oh this is not going well, blame it on Mikey, blame it on Mikey.  Oh no, Now Mikey is standing up threatening Kasey #abouttocry for making him US Weekly fodder as if that is a bad thing.  Objection hearsay; Objection Hearsay.  Michael G, I got this, allow JBJ to step in, this is an exception to hearsay as an admission and declaration against interest under Cal. Evid. Code Section 1220 Et Seq.   More booing and off you go James, well at least you will always have Plan B, you and Mikey in intimate settings on a boat.    

Who Pablo is up next.  This guy is beloved, and rightfully so.  What a great father, I mean he spends all his weekends with his daughter.  In case you were wondering who is the mother, JBJ has your back:

Desiree Who?

I don't think Who Pablo is going to be needing to be the next Bachelor to find true love.

Finally we get Zack in the hot seat and we break out an invisible pen light to read his thoughts on love. Prediction: That journal is undoubtedly going to be seen again.  I wonder what Chris has to say about Zack's poem, it wasn't too shabby.  I haven't seen so many dudes reading and writing poetry since Robin Williams inspired a group of young men to Carpe Diem.  

Des now joins the men on stage and is quite chippy in letting the guys know what insincere pricks they are. Can we get onto the previews and the postgame reaction from the yayhoos in the audience.  

Oh the previews.  According to the previews ABC wants us to believe the following: Drew is eliminated; Brooks breaks up with Des; Chris shows up to the engagment only for Des to let him know her heart is not in it as she still loves Brooks and the show ends with Des heartbroken and alone.  Something tells me we are being duped.  (That something is my experience such as Des' boyfriend confronting Sean or One of the guys getting punched out this year; etc. etc.).   The good news is we still get 2 more weeks of must watch true love.

P.S. ABC, are you serious with the audience cougars giving their reactions to the previews?  Really weird.

I Could Use A Nose Adjustment

Hopefully This Will Prepare Me For the Next Couple of Weeks

Weirdest/Oddest/Funniest Scenes From Hometown Week:
- Chris' dad giving Des a massage errrrr adjustment and then putting a large contraption up his son's nose so that he could have focus to make such important decisions as asking a girl to marry him.  Why is it that Chiropracters are more persistent and have more conviction about their craft than a Mormon Missionary? Did anyone else notice that they cut the scene from last week's previews where Chris' dad tucked Des' shirt into her pants as he flipped her upside down?  I had been waiting all week to see that.

- Drew breaking his sister out the back door of the home where she is living.  Is there a reason you couldn't just go to the front door?

- Zack having the limo pull to the side of the road so he could throw the ring he got out of a box of Cap n' Crunch out the window.  Why not pawn it, or better yet save it for when you are the Bachelor?

- The long awaited return of Nate left him lurking behind a wall at the Beverly Hilton as the guys came in one by one.  Does the Hilton not have security?  I so bad wanted Nate to jump out from behind the wall and yell Boo as Drew came in so he could scream like a little girl.

- Zack driving a pedomobile while dressed in a penguin costume.


Other Highlights:
- ABC did a fabulous job sprucing up Liberty Park.  ABC probably could have made Pioneer Park look like the Garden of Eden.

- What is Brooks' religion?  The house had a cross up and for those who don't know Mormons don't do crosses.   Michael G referenced a Mormon going to mass earlier in the show, could it have been James rather than Brooks?

- Any doubts we had about Drew's sexuality were quickly resolved when he greeted Des with his tightly fitted pink button-up.


Still to Come:
- Is Des going to quit when Brooks dumps her?  ABC is doing their best to make it look like Drew is going to let her know that unless she wants to re-enact The Crying Game that he is out, but IMO Brooks is going to be the one to break her heart.

- Michael G is actively preparing his trial brief, witness and exhibit list, jury instructions and cross examination for the "Guys Tell All".  

Michael G Convicted of Being a Momma's Boy and Chris Has A Large Ball%*)!

Did Someone Misplace a Sack of Balls?

Generally the week before hometowns is one of the more boring weeks of the show.  At this point the real crazies are usually gone and you don't have the families to provide extra drama and weirdness.

However, this episode was immediately spiced up with the return of Catherine, Leslie and Jackie to discuss and ogle Des' men.  Did Catherine really just ask who had the biggest sack of ball?  It was bleeped but upon further review it appeared to be two words.  Worst case scenario she asked about the size of the boy's friend Richard.   And apparently Chris is the largest, wait a sec, how does Des know this there hasn't even been a fantasy suite yet?

And why was Jackie flown to Madeira?  To give advice on how to never be on camera until you lose a 2 on 1 date because you try to tattle on the token villain.

Catherine I too was voted most huggable for my generous bosom.

One on One: Brooks
Walking, Jumping, Skipping, Running, Crawling, Bouncing, Crabwalking, Finish Line.  Huh?  Did I miss something?  Let me tell you the proper sequence: Declare your abounding love, Fantasy suite session, Neil Lane.  Brooks why are you making this so complicated?  Des wants to marry you, so what if you have to wait 6 months to go to the temple due to your alcohol consumption just get it done.

P.S. Nice cloud 9 reference.  Best play on words since pilot Jake Pavelka's season and the constant playing of "On the Wings of Love"  

One on One: Chris
Let me guess Chris is going to read a poem, what a shocker.  The poetry thing has officially jumped the shark, you need a new move my man.  I did like when they tried to write a poem together and Des threw out a line and Chris just talked over her with your own line, Des needed to know to leave the poetry writing to the professionals.  

Two on One: Zack and Drew
Drew could you have been more pathetic in the race with Zack.  Zack could have finished, taken Des to dinner, showed her his abs and junk and got back before you finished.

So the internet is ablaze with the Drew is gay propaganda.  I am not buying it, oh wait why is he giggling like a 11 year old girl, stop I refuse to believe this, he would never do that to Des.  They love each other.

We all know it is only a matter of time until Gay Bachelor and perhaps we have found our first Gaychelor.

One on One: Michael G Money
Wait a second Michael G might actually be a normal dude.  He is coming off way too sincere isn't there someone he can convict?  I miss the cross-examining Michael.

G, Let me get this straight: 1) Federal Prosecutor; 2) Graduated Magna Cum Laude from Law School; 3) Live in South Beach; 4) Wealthy; and 5) Good Looking.  All of this and when you got the boot you were reduced to calling your mommy from the back of the limo to cry, maybe I'm just not meant to be married, no one will ever love me, waaaaaaaaahhhh. C'mon G, get it together you are giving us barristers a bad name.

P.S.  I thought you couldn't have your cellphone on the show?

Hometowns next week.  I can't wait to see Des visit Temple Square and apparently Chris' dad is going to be getting intimate with Des and last but not least the return of Des' brother Nate.  If you don't know Nate just wait (I'm starting to sound like Chris) he is a Bachelor/ette icon.

I Appeal!

Said James, as his case was dismissed by Michael G Money.   Can you believe that James' last name is Case.  How ironic (in the Alanis Morissette form of ironic) that the guys led by their lead counsel G Money made a Case against James Case and got him sent packing.

I only want to be the Bachelor if I get sent home, but if Des keeps me then of course I will love her, how do you guys not get it?

 
James you will be missed:

Something was definitely in the Spanish air this week.  We had heavy petting, heated arguments, penises and a devastating cross-examination.

One on One: Drew
How has it been like 8 or 9 weeks and Drew hasn't had the chance to dump any baggage on Des until this week.  Sure enough he grew up with an alcoholic father who has cancer.  Nobody knows he has cancer, oh wait now 34 million people know, oooops.  Des thanked Drew for feeling comfortable enough to tell her about his dad's alcoholism as she polished off her glass of wine.

The date did have a cool vibe as they drink from arbitrary water taps (last time I did that I got Giardia) and walked through sketchy back alleys with perfectly painted graffiti and random musicians strumming their guitars.  I got to give it to Drew with the run from the camera move, that was awesome, you could tell the camera man was trippin (no pun intended) as they sprinted away to get in some heavy petting which thank goodness we got to see because it was superhot.  

Drew ends the date by breaking the James news to Des which causes Des to slip into an expletive laced tirade.   Drew a word or two of advice: when you are heavy petting don't steer the conversation to some meathead who wants to hook up with lots of women on a boat in Chicago, it causes the heavy petting to stop.

Nonetheless, Drew made a serious move this week and gauging by the previews he is a legit frontrunner, and don't worry we'll get to the previews I watched them 17 times including several times frame by frame.

Group Date: Kickin It With Des
It is soccer time and time for Who Pablo to shine.  The guys take on a 7th grade girls soccer team and get crushed due to James being the worst goalie in the history of soccer.  James hasn't looked that terrified since he was told that his local grocery store was no longer carrying L.A. Looks hair gel and Axe body spray.

Uh oh, Mormon Brooks just dropped an F bomb.  The last Mormon to go F bomb was of course Jef with 1 F and we all know that relationship ended in heartbreak so let's clean it up Brooks.    

Chris and Des have a very strange and hard to follow conversation which is topped off with a beautiful poem from Des, these two are beautiful together.  BTW Des I hate nit pick, but in your poem you said "sparks have grown" to that you could rhyme something with home.  I think sparks usually fly not grow and grow doesn't really rhyme with home anyway, so maybe you should have went with "the sparks have flied and without your love I would have died" or something like that.

Meanwhile, next store Michael G is playing Kasey like a little puppet to get him to confront James which he does like a little sheep.

Why are most lawyers such bags?  Michael G Money just cannot help himself as he jumps into the fray with his own cross-examination of James.  James tries to interpose an objection by telling G Money that he is trying to introduce inadmissible hearsay into this case to which G Money quickly overrules the objection as what he is saying is clearly one of the exceptions to hearsay.

In the end James is able to stay one more night so that he can tangle some more with the guys.  James accomplishes this by letting the water works go and letting Des know that Mikey was the one who led the conversation and that Mikey was probably just "self medicating" with guy talk since he hadn't had a one on one date.  That was enough for Des and she lets him head back to the hotel where he can barely fit through the elevator door.  As he walks in you have to go and watch Kasey's face as he lets out a big gulp knowing his health is in jeopardy.     

One on One: Zack and Some Dude's Schlong

What is more orange: Zack's skin or Des' jacket?

Des and Zack head to an art studio to do some drawing.  Zack draws an absolutely hideous portrait of Des and then a skinny Euro is brought out with no clothes on.  The look on Zack's face was priceless and for some reason the instructor is pointing at skinny Eurodude's wiener.

Zack decides to break the ice by pretending that he will now be showing Des his junk only to have a pair of tighty whiteys on.  Admittedly I paused it and either Zack put the microphone equipment in there or a tuna can, you be the judge.


Back At The Hotel:
The James drama is heating up.  James asks to speak to Drew and Drew has apparently been apprenticing under the master G Money as he handles himself quite well in the argument.

All of the dudes are then chilling in a room and James comes in and squeezes himself right up next to G Money who isn't amused.  Chris starts him off and of course G Money finishes him and if you didn't catch it you have to watch G Money wink at the other dudes as he is about to take over the cross examination, like don't worry I got this, this is what I do.  After G Money finishes James he is left to run away with his tail tucked between his legs..

Des comes back and talks to James again as the guys stalk them from the balcony and James almost convinces her to keep him around, but in the end James, Kasey and Who Pablo get the boot.

How does Who Pablo get cut in the only land where it would have been appropriate for her to say "Aceptas Esta Rosa"?  Not cool.  How is Michael G really still around?


STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WATCH THE PREVIEWS!!!!!!

Previews:
Okay a few points:

The limo shots: Chris daytime, Brooks daytime, G Money night and Zack night.  No limo shot for Drew.

When Des goes to see Brooks, that was not his house in Utah.  How do I know?  The only tiled stairs in Utah are at the baptismal font.  We all know that it is too dangerous with that many kids running around to have tiled stairs.

ABC wants us to believe that Drew dumps Des.  I am predicting a lot of out of context quotes from that preview.

Someone was holding a ring and it looked like spray tan Zack.

Harrison Might Be Out of a Job

Awkward!

So this week we got to see a real sausage fest as the show moved to Germany.   Quick question, why do all of the guys have the same style jacket but in different colors?  Do I need to get one of those, am  I missing something?

One on One: Chris and Des and Bryden

The one on one was your typical play dress up and then go dance in a public place but it got interesting when Bryden finally snapped.  

Bryden leaves the hotel and starts asking randoms if they speak English so they can tell him if they have seen a camera crew.  Finally he finds some English speakers and they tell him to go to the town square.   Bryden then joins the circle of stalkers who are watching two Americans act like idiots in love.

Cryden then interrupts the dancing and tells Des that he is leaving.  I hope this wasn't an attempt to get her to beg him to stay because Des couldn't have cared less.  

At the end of the evening Chris and Des have one of the most tender moments in Bachelorette history when Chris breaks out some legit poetry.  This certainly wasn't some lame "right reasons right reasons i'm here for all four seasons", he sounded like Shakespeare Jr. and it brought Des and JBJ to tears.  

Group Date: Sledding and the Yodeler

For the group date the boys get to go up a large tram and do some sledding.  On the ride up the tram we literally heard 18,420 OMG's. At the top of the mountain we meet Harrison's replacement "The Yodeler".  Why would anyone go to Harrison for advice, when The Yodeler has marriage pegged, he has been married 38 years and when asked for his sage wisdom on how to make a marriage work he says that the woman does whatever he says. Genius! How have I not thought of this it is so simple yet so profound.

After the sledding they all go to an ice cave where Des makes out with most of them and we learn that Zack once sat atop this same mountain to meditate and learned that he should not be a priest; we also learn that Mikey wants to have a snowman family of five (shocking that he got booted).  After the snowman debacle Des knew she would not even need a cocktail party as Mikey was done. 

2 on 1: Ben is convicted of fraud and impersonation of a Southern Gentleman

For the 2 on 1 Michael G the federal prosecutor and Ben the Christian, southern gentleman, single dad go head to head.  For the date they go out on a freezing lake in a floating hot tub.  Props ABC if you are going to force us watch a cold weather locale find a way to get the hot tub involved.  Did anyone else notice that they had a thermos floating in the water.  With the contestants on this show would you really want to drink from a thermos that has been floating in gonorrhea infested waters.  

Michael G gets it cracking by acting like a typical tool lawyer who is taking it upon himself to cross-examine Ben, but in the end it works and Ben is convicted of being a fraud and on the way to the slammer (in the limo) he admits it by asking how long he has to wait to be seen in public with women as he is ready to party.  Keep it classy Ben.  

My big question is how was Des able to see through Ben, the fact that he doesn't get along with the others in the house never gets you sent home (Courteney, Tierra, Vienna, Bentley etc...).  Did ABC know she was going to do that?  I'm sure they were not pleased with her decision.   

Prior to the rose ceremony we learn that Drew and Kasey overheard James and Mikey discussing how they were now going to be running Chigago.  With their new-found fame they are going to set up a business wherein a boat that will take people to intimate settings.  How did I not think of this first, they are going to own Chicago.  James, any chance you will be franchising this business name your price and I am in to start the LA site of "Intimate Boat Settings R Us".  

Can't wait to see Who Pablo in Espana next week.  

What Would Ray Lewis Do?

This week we had the 2013 version of the White Bronco as Patriot tight end Aaron Hernandez was followed  by a helicopter as he has come under scrutiny for the murder of Odin Lloyd:


            


Aaron is likely to be arrested for obstruction of justice for destroying footage from his home security system, but Aaron I wouldn't trip.  Ray Lewis has given you the roadmap from obstruction of justice/possible homicide to Hero/ESPN employee:

1. Do not talk to authorities, take your obstruction charge on keep it moving.
2. Find God and anytime you are asked about the murder keep it very vague, ambiguous and play the God Card.  For example during an interview prior to the Super Bowl Ray Lewis was asked by Shannon Sharpe regarding the murder: The families of the slain men find it difficult to see you be idolized by millions of fans, believing you know more about the killings than you have shared, what would you say to the families? Lewis replied "God has never made a mistake.  That's just who he is, you see....to the family, if you knew, if you really knew the way God works.  He don't use people who commits anything like that for His glory."  A perfect answer, I suggest you right that on your hand.
3. Have 6 kids with 4 women.  When asked about it see No. 2 above.
4. Catch a lot of passes.
5. Win a super bowl.

Follow these simple steps and in 15 years you will be a hero and likely be working as an analyst for ESPN.

Speaking of analysts for ESPN, why is ESPN going to Attorney Roger Cossacks for legal analysis when you have Ray Lewis on staff?  I dare say Ray Lewis has much more in depth analysis he could give regarding Obstruction of Justice/Homicide than Cossacks.

Bachelorette Recap: The Meathead Edition

So the show begins with Harrison informing the guys that they are headed to Jersey.  It really couldn't be more fitting with the number of meatheads still on the show.

Honestly can you tell the difference:

 

vs.

 


The Bachelors should fit in perfectly in Jersey.


One on One: Brad

So Brad's Domestic Violence arrest wasn't enough to keep him from getting the first one on one date, but his lack of ability to put words together to make a sentence was his undoing, and he doesn't make it to the rose ceremony.  Des takes him to the highest possible spot to break the news that he will not be getting a rose, just in case he wants to jump.  Oh and Brad was that really the first time you have tried taffy? Really?

Group Date: Mr. America

What a great idea for a group date, a Mr. America pageant.  Especially on the day following this debacle (no pressure guys):

UTAH ALWAYS REPRESENTIN (and it is not the dumbest answer ever, that title still belongs to Miss Teen South Carolina)

Back to the Mr. Bachelor competition.
The first part of the competition is the question/answer and we learn a lot about the gentleman:
1) Kasey is a giver, apparently he has not learned from Michael Douglas' revelation and could soon be contracting cancer.
2) Chris' worst quality is not taking girls out to dinner as much as necessary.  Sex Addict, Alcoholic, Liar, Druggie we can deal with but a Lack of Dinner TakerOuter not that is a deal breaker.
3) Who Pablo also has a kid.  Who on this show doesn't have kids?  This group of Bachelors has spread more seed than a wheat farmer.
4) Brooks wants to be a lion which apparently to Des is the funniest joke she has ever heard?
5) Mikey is not just a piece of meat but has feelings (he then proceeds on the talent portion to do a strip show and upside down pushups, way to drive your point home).

In the end Kasey wins Mr. America but Zak gets the rose perhaps because of this:

I'm The Full Package

After the talent show we get the mandatory Benhateathon, Ben is Mean, Ben talks more about his bar than his son, Ben is a liar, Ben is not here for the right reasons, Ben talks to Des in front of us waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

We also are transported back to the hotel where James is getting ready for his date by taking a bubble bath and eating chocolate covered strawberries?  I can't believe he stole my daily routine.    

One on One: James
James shows up and learns that the date will be seeing the horrific destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy.  I don't see this leading to a fantasy suite.  The good news for James is I doubt she will bounce you on a date like this, in fact sharing this experience should buy you a couple of weeks.

We get to meet Manny and Jan whose house was destroyed by the hurricane and Des and James so graciously agree to give their date to Janny.   So cute.   ABC spends 40 minutes showing Janny having a great time but in the end sends them back to their wreck of a home.  Hey if they wanted their home fixed they should have went on Extreme Home Makeover rather than the Bachelorette.    

James and Des decide to get some pizza and a beer where James lets Des know that he cheated on his girlfriend.  Uh oh!  That definitely hit a nerve you could see it all over Des' face.  He just blew all the goodwill the service date had got him because all girls know, once a cheater always a cheater.   James and Des joing Manny and Jan with Hootie and what do you know James The Cheater starts dancing with Jan right in front of Des, the guy has no shame.      

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Michael G: Has a gesture for Des and he spells her name on white paper D is for down to earth E is for Easy to talk to and S is for smile and lastly G the last letter of my last name stands for great if things worked out for us.  Des tells him he is soooo funny.  She better not be serious.  There was nothing funny about that.  Michael check this: M-oron; I-diot; C-ouldn't be more lame; H-urry up and get booted; A-bsolutely stupid gesture you just did; E-asily the worst gesture I have ever seen other than Kasey getting a tattoo for Ali;
L-oser.  

Bryden: Pity party, plays the I might not accept the rose if I don't get more time with her card and then gets a rose and accepts it.

In the end Zack K surprisingly gets sent packing.  He didn't seem to get much of a chance and seemed like a normal dude, oh wait he is crying, maybe not as normal as I had hoped for.

Next up Germany and the revelation that Ben and James are not there for Des but rather to be the next Bachelor.  No me digas.  Someone should tell them that it never works like that, just ask Ali.  



i