I blog with a warrior heart and a gypsy soul

Will You Accept My 

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like they are watching a comedy sitcom.  But hey, I'm not complaining just ask Ross and Rachel if you can find true love on a sitcom.

The episode started with part 2 of the Kupah meltdown.  It went something like this: yell, scream, complain, cupcake, apologize, whisper, race card, Kaitlyn sucks, chlamydia.  

With that being done we go straight to the rose ceremony.  I can't remember who she sent home.

Anyone else notice that Kaitlyn pronounces drama draaaama instead of drahma?

Group Date:  Diaper Wrestling
The boys are informed that they are to put on a traditional sumo diaper and we are treated to a blur of about 12 cracks and 18 grapes.  As the date continues Healer is getting more and more wound up as he continually flexes his pectorals.  Healer proceeds to attack the sumo wrestler with tickles and as the tickle fight ends he runs off in a huff.  He lets Kaitlyn know that he has the heart of a warrior with a gypsy soul.  Healer, if I had a nickel for every time someone has told me that, it is hard we have the heart of a child and sometimes women just don't get us with their constant seeking of barbarious aggression.  It is just so shallow.  I personally think that had you got a chance to go to the zoo and make some animal sounds that you would have won Kaitlyn's heart but alas it wasn't to be.  Kaitlyn will have to learn the hard way that you can't find happiness constantly reverting to primal instincts.  

One on One: Commercial/Haunted House with Benzi
Benzi gets a chance to participate in a commercial by ABC for the The Basement "a live escape room experience".   I like how "The Basement" made ABC post a caveat that they don't actually have live things jumping out at you, weak.

If Kaitlyn is so scared of birds how does she sleep at night with those tattoos on her arms?

I thought it was so amazing that they were able to solve the puzzle and escape "The Basement" with 1 second to spare, I was on the edge of my seat wondering if they would make it in time before they were gassed.

Benzi and Kaitlyn seem like a good match and Benzi opens up about his mom and the fact that he hasn't cried for 11 years.  Benzi let's Kaitlyn know that he hasn't told anyone about his mom for a long time.  I hate to be technical on a subject like this but technically you told Kaitlyn about your mom the first night at the house so technically you did tell someone less than 48 hours prior.  Nonetheless I liked Benzi he seems decently legit and I can't hate on him for not crying for 11 years, the last time I cried was when I saw Cool Runnings when it came out.

Group Date: Creepy/Inappropriate/Illegal Sex Education Course
The sex ed class was pretty funny, but I think it would have been a bit more funny if the kids weren't 5.  

Ben H steps up with his sex ed skills and gets to makeout with Kaitlyn.  He is a serious contender.

Jared also gets a piece, which seems crazy to me.  He seems cool enough but I can't explain it, his looks creep me out like he should be in Twilight or something.  I can't place it.  

One on One: JJ and Clint
Meanwhile, back at the mansion JJ and Clint are having their own one one date which includes hot-tubbing with champagne, cuddling on the couch, showering and popping each other's zits.  At one point Clint exclaims to JJ that if he will hold him a certain way that he will be his b#*@h at the same time that JJ's b*#^r is blurred.

Clint is quite taken with JJ and apparently when he came on the show he thought it was going to be Caitlyn with a C:

Instead of Kaitlyn with a K:

The rose ceremony was again delayed so that we could sort out Clint's sexuality and from the previews it looks like JJ is about to break Clint's heart.

I'm just disgusted that Clint would come on the show and play with Kaitlyn's emotions and feelings like this, he is despicable.  Here is Kaitlyn on this crazy journey, constantly trying to break down walls and she has to deal with your shenanigans.

What a week it was, this promises to be the most dramatic season ever.

I've Brushed Off the Chrisney Breakup and I'm Back

Jimmy Fallon Aint Got Nothin On Me

So I suck and didn't get the blog out as quick as I would have liked this week.  The truth is I was having serious writer's block and the comedy just wasn't coming.

This morning I woke up and tried to evaluate my priorities and why I wasn't blogging and I came to the realization that it is Chrisney's fault.  I did not take the news of their breakup very well.  If you can't find love with Prince Farming then what is true love?  I decided to check twitter to see if I could feel better about love and maybe break down some walls so I could continue this blogging journey and boom there is Andi promoting a new reality show.  Andi will be seeking to find true love in the Big Apple with none other than Sharleen Mundo.   If these two can pick themselves up after the devastation of not finding true love with Who Pablo, then who am I to be too depressed to blog, so here we go, let the blogging journey continue...........

Group Date: Boxing With Ali
Justin "so we walk into the building and we see nothing but boxing bags, speed bags and there is Kaitlyn in the corner, it was totally unexpected to see her."  Who did he think would be there?  Did he think they were just being taken for a morning workout and that Kaitlyn wouldn't be at the group date?

Kaitlyn introduces the guys to Laila Ali and Kupah has an O.  They start working out and one dude breaks some windows with his jump rope, smooth.

The guys learn that they have to fight each other.  Kupah who was killing it at the gym trying to show off for Ali gets knocked out by Jared who weighs 35 pounds less than him and runs the fryer at Jack In The Box.  Jared probably shouldn't have won that fight as he then has to fight Ben Z who outweighs him by 55 pounds.  Ben of course sends Jared to the emergency room which might seem sad but it has been statistically shown that having to receive medical treatment is a great way to find true love on the Bachelor/ette (See Brooks breaking a finger and Kelsey having an anxiety attack).

After the date, back at the house Healer speaks out that the boxing date was a joke as love should never start with fisticuffs.  Ray Rice and Chris Brown would disagree.

One on One: Clint
Underwater photo shoot was actually pretty cool.  Clint seems pretty hesitant and we learn why when he jumps in the pool and has a big bald spot up top.  Kaitlyn lets us know that she has never had a first kiss underwater.  What a prude, where has she been?  Clint seems fine, and he did draw a picture of Harrison riding a dinosaur so I gotta give him that, but he's not exactly Mr. Excitement.

Meanwhile back at the house Tony is asking the guys if Kaitlyn is supportive?  Who doesn't want to date a jock strap.

Flash to somewhere in Hollywood where Britt and Brady are not showering together.

Group Date: Comedy Improv
JJ and the healer are pumped when they learn that they will have to do a stand-up routine with Amy Schumer.

JJ let's us know that he is too smart for 90% of the audience.   So far he has done a Wayne's World impression, a Seinfeld impression and broken off a bull-dozer joke....real smart stuff JJ.  Schumer lets us know that JJ is a sweetheart he is just missing charisma, humility and a sense of humor, but other than that he should be hired as the next Bachelor...classic.

Healer let's us know he has been trained for this his whole life.  Does he know this is a comedy club? He goes for 10 minutes about how sensitive and thankful he is for the opportunity.

Cocktail Party:
And if we were wondering who the villain was going to be look no further than our man JJ.  JJ takes the whole party to let everyone know, including Kaitlyn, that he is there for Kaitlyn, not to make friends.  It is a fail proof strategy for finding love, ask Courtney or Vienna.   But hey, he feels smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of I talked to the girl and you didn't.  After his performance at the comedy improv I see him more as Jimmy Fallon wrapped inside Larry David wrapped inside Jim Gaffigan wrapped inside of a bag filled with douche.    
Leave it to the Bachelorette to address race relations in America.   Kupah pulls Kaitlyn aside to let her know that he doesn't want to be the minority guy filling a quota.  C'mon Kupah the Bachelor/ette doesn't do that.  Marquel finds what you are saying offensive.

Kaitlyn doesn't like being called out as a racist and lets Kupah know that he is there because he likes music not because he is black and decides to send him packing (we still got Ian and Jonathan).

Kupah freaks and this constitutes enough drama for the show to be continued.....  Are you serious ABC?  No rose ceremony because of that?  Put him in the limo and let him blow up like 90% of the other contestants and let's get to the rose ceremony.

I Saw You Take A Nap With Britt!

I Hope You Watched The Previews

C Ya Britt

Kaitlyn: Hey Britt Knock Knock. Britt: Who's there? Kaitlyn: I. Britt: I Who.  Kaitlyn:I banged a dude who probably picked you. 

So, I was wrong.  I know you expect more of me and I could not have been more sure that the double bachelorette was happening for the whole season, but alas ABC always keepin me on my toes.  I swear this is the last time I will doubt you again Bachelor/ette producers.

For any of you that thought Britt would make for a better season that Kaitlyn, I hoped you watched the previews.  This season promises to pack more drama than ever before.

Britt v. Kaitlyn:
Harrison wastes no time in letting Britt know that she has not been chosen and she needs to hit the road.  I loved the genuine surprise in Britt's eyes and words.........but Harrison do the guys not know how hot I am.....have they seen my hair......I didn't even break out the Chucks yet.....and do they know that after spending the night with me I look the exact same in the morning....how could they choose Kaitlyn?

I hike in full makeup, what more do you want?

I sleep in full makeup, what more do you want?

In the end it wasn't enough and we are getting a full season of Kaitlyn who promises to be a wild ride (pun intended).

Meet the Bachelors/Rose Ceremony:
Kaitlyn is announced and it is scramble time for the guys that voted for Britt.  Werewolf Jared admits that he voted for Britt and that somehow gets some nice bonus points despite his creepy face and the fact that he manages a Burger King.  Dentist Chris gets some action and then Shawn gets some seconds.  

The rose ceremony should have been pretty drama free right.  Standard Bachelorette procedure get rid of a minority, a stripper, and a sex coach, it was going to be too easy until Brady broke script by interrupting the RC to let Kaitlyn know that he was in love with Britt and he was leaving to find her. Say what you want about Brady but I fall more in the he's a romantic camp than the he's a stalker camp.

Kaitlyn I know it seemed like a logical choice to get rid of Shawn the sex coach, but after seeing the previews do you not think he could have served some value by keeping him around.  I mean in episode one he gave us some advice that money can't buy and I quote (under age 35 stop reading) "when you get those a*#* toys just make sure they have something on it so they don't get stuck in your bowels."  I personally have never heard better advice given.   Anybody can tell you to work hard, get an education, stay away from drugs but none of that advice will save you from the pain and trauma you will undoubtedly suffer from failing to follow Shawn's advice.  Seriously: broke, uneducated drug addict > a*#! toy stuck in your bowels.  Well at least we got one nugget (pun intended) before Shawn was sent packing.

Brady The Romantic Stalker:
So Brady excused himself from the RC and heads out on a journey to find his soul-mate Ms. Britt and we are left with him outside her hotel door.  I can't imagine the disappointment he is going to feel when he opens that hotel door and sees Britt and Kobe Bryant in there.

Previews Analysis:
I wish that I could not affect the integrity of my viewing by avoiding previews but Bachelorette previews are more tempting than a Colombian party to a crack addict.  Not only must I watch the previews but I run it back numerous times, slow motion, pause etc...

This season's previews did not disappoint.  Why is Kaitlyn kissing Nick from Andi's season?  Where did he come from?  Uh oh...I hear sounds, and this is well before fantasy suite week and whaddaya know Kaitlyn is admitting to like 10 of the guys that she already did fantasy suite stuff with one of the dudes.

I don't know why Kaitlyn is stressing how the guys will take this news, I mean Nick has been down this road before and he took it real well, just ask Andi.

I can't wait for Kaitlyn to find true love, she and her bird tattoos deserve it.  


P.S.
Speaking of Andi can these rumors about her and Harrison being an item be true?  I sure hope so.

Who Is Hotter Britt v. Kaitlyn

I'm Hotter Than Kaitlyn

Last night was shocking....a whole lot of unfiltered drama.  I was a Britt apologist last year, but I think I was bamboozled by her hair into thinking she is cool.  She came off as phony bologna last night.  

Real Quick:

1) Why does the healer have a black eye?  My guess is someone punched him for being so weird.  And if you are a healer, why did you not heal the eye, prior to the most important night of your life.

2) An "amateur" sex instructor.  C'mon Bachelorette, you couldn't spring for a "professional" instructor?  Who wants an amateur teaching them?  It's hard enough to please a woman, the last thing you need is some amateur throwing in his 2 cents.  But can't lie his advice later in the night was spot on.  

3) Professional beach volleyball player, living in New York?

Let's get to the main event, our main man Ryan "the real deal" McDill you know Ryan "do you want eat my" McDill Pickle.  Ryan got drunk and Harrison gave him the heave ho.  

I found it to be very coincidental that he was tossed leaving 24 guys, could it be that we are headed for a 12-12 vote on Kaitlyn v. Britt. 

I hate to be conspiracy guy, when true love is at stake, but did we also forget to mention that Ryan is Nikki Ferrell's ex.  You remember Nikki, the one that stayed with Who Pablo for a couple years. Was he a plant so we could end up with a 12-12 vote?  

However, if it was ABC's plan all along they made one mistake.  Ryan clearly cast his vote for Britt:

     

He looked at Britt's picture and gently tossed his rose toward her box, and there may have even been a petal or two that landed in the box.   

Can't wait for tonight!

P.S. Ryan falling out of the hot tub was comedy gold.

Prince Farming Found His Hoe

Now That We're Engaged Will You Help Me With This

Whitney Meets The Family:
It's about time Whitney gets an opportunity to meet the sisters that gave the Cinderella date to a drunk stripper instead of her.  Whitney plays it cool (of course) I would have laid into them and told them their advice means nothing, because if they had their way Chris would be out in his barn watching a laptop.  

I swear Whitney, hired a PR firm prior to meeting the family, she is too perfect.  Her toast seemed like a professionally written speech right down to the perfect time to get emotional.  This girl is polished.

Chris' sister give Chris some really great advice "Don't choose the one you love, choose the one that will move to Arlington."  Great advice.  If Mrs. JonoBeingJono didn't want to live in SoCal I would dump her, no questions asked.  

Becca Meets The Family:
Chris' family "You've known him for 25 days and you can't say I love you, you are a coldhearted wench" or something like that.  

Serious Analysis Time: I think Becca is really fun and has a great personality.  All of the girls talk about how great and fun she is, so I think that is why Chris likes her so much (and she's decently hawt). Meanwhile, Whitney is great, she is nice and a sure bet, but maybe not quite as fun and exciting as Becca.

Back to the blog: Chris' mom thinks Becca is a cross between Jerry Seinfeld and Jim Gaffigan, she could hardly sit up during Becca's standup routine.  It is a close call right now between Sean's Dad and Chris' mom for the top parent in Bachelor History (in case you're wondering no one will top Des' brother for top sibling in Bachelor History).

Becca and Chris One On One:
I cried.  You could touch how much Chris wanted Becca, but she just wouldn't give it up.  Just couldn't let those walls down.  Just couldn't accept the journey.  In the end it cost her the opportunity at finding her first love.  

Whitney and Chris One on One:
After Becca wouldn't give in, Chris accepted his fate and took Whitney to the farm where she feigned excitement over harvesting some corn.  She must really like him.  Back at the house  Whitney pours her heart out to Chris and he mumbles something and says "I reciprocate".   I've always found that telling women "ditto" or "I reciprocate your feelings" causes them to swoon.

Final Rose Ceremony:
Chris is getting ready and has his shirt off.  Boy, he really let himself go, he's getting a little flabby. Codycode just threw his shoe through his TV.  What better setting for an engagement than the place Chris raised his first pig.

First up Becca, is it a little awkward that he kissed her, five minutes before he gets engaged? Oh well Whitney's not watching so yolo.  Becca gets dumped and couldn't be more devastated errrrrr emotional errrrr sad errrrrrr when's the next flight back to San Diego, I could still hit happy hour for sushi in the gaslamp district.

Whitney shows up and thinks she is the Bachelorette as she gets real chatty and starts giving Chris a speech, uh this is not how it goes.  He gives the speech.  Chris drops to a knee and they get engaged, I can't wait for the wedding, true love is amazing.

It has been quite a hayride (farming reference) for prince farming (farm reference) as he looked for a soulesmate (last name pun).  Many of the girls were full of drama but they reaped what they sowed (farm reference) as they lost their chance at true love.  We heard a lot of corny jokes (farm reference) and despite Jade's ability to raise cocks (farming reference) she was let go.  Britt was good at moving pipe (farm reference) but alas she was also let go.  In the end Prince Farming found his true love and they can escape into the sunset singing that legendary farm rap Hay Hoe Hip Hop Hooray Hoe Hay Hoe Hay Hoe (lots of farm references).

ATFR:
What do you know Becca still doesn't care.  Harrison why the double standard?  If Becca were Who Pablo you would be killing her.  I guess its okay for white people to be cold but not latinos.

Chris and Whitney are very in love and she has been sneaking off to the farm so that Chris can plow her field.

On to some more interesting news, for the first time ever there will be 2 Bachelorettes.  My two faves from the year Britt and Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn could not be more stoked about it, Britt better watch her back.

Why Is Britt Here?

I don't see how this could go wrong.  So what if there are guys hooking up with both of them, they can't get mad because he can just say, you are dating like 10 dudes why you giving me grief about 2 girls?

Girl drama is almost always better than guy drama so at least we will still have that.   But in the end true love for 2 couples is better than true love for 1 couple so I am all for it.  
   

The Women Tell All Awards

Why can't we skip women tell all and just have the finale?

MOST IMPROVED IMAGE AWARD - Britt (Crying at the drop of a hat, she came off real sympathetic, she is just a cute girl trying to find love in a dog eat dog world and the mean girls are trying to keep her down)

MOST DIMINISHED IMAGE AWARD - Carly (First Britt destroys her and then Julian jumped into the fray and nearly beat her ass.)

BIGGEST HYPOCRITE AWARD - Juelia (Juelia are you really giving Kelsey a hard time about using Sanderson Poe to get a rose?  I seem to recall you pulling Chris away from a bikini party to let him know about your baby daddy's suicide.)

WHY ARE YOU TALKING, WERE YOU EVEN ON THE SHOW AWARD - Trina

FAKE CONFIDENCE AWARD - Jade (Jade was all gung ho to let Chris have it for letting her go after he called seeing her pictures awkward.  She confronts Chris, and Chris tells her it was awkward and she heads back to her seat.  You know what would have been more awkward?  Had Jade shown her pictures then proceeded to provide her RAP sheet which includes DUI, shoplifting and burglary.)

THE NICK AWARD - Kaitlyn (how could you have slept with me and then let me go right after?)

BEST ACTRESS AWARD - Ashley S (I am not buying it.  She is working an angle and it is working like a charm......already invited to Bachelor in Paradise.)

SLUTTIEST VIRGIN AWARD - Ashley I (Nice dress.)

HAIRIEST BUTT AWARD - Julian (We finally were told the exact reason for the Ipad on her butt.)

THE SANDERSON POE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR THE CONTESTANT MOST LIKELY TO BE ACCUSED OF SLOWLY POISONING THEIR MATE - Jade (Who else? Look at her prior criminal record.)

I can't wait for next week.  As a hopeless romantic, it warms my heart to see true love in action.  I'm going with Becca.  

P.S. My readers need to do a better job at tweeting The Bachelor and/or Chris Harrison to have them crash a bachelor party at my house.  Once this happens my life will be complete.  I put my heart and soul into this blog the least you could do is get me a bachelor party crashing.    

This Blog Will Make Your Pits Sweat

Can't Touch This

What better place to contemplate your future in Arlington, Iowa than Bali.  

Does the fantasy suite come out of Harrison's salary?  Why does Harrison right in bubble letters? Why does the fantasy suite have sheer drapes? Are monkeys just glorified rats?

One On One: Kaitlyn

Forget Neil Lane, I think the Bachelor needs to sign a product placement deal with Axe.  Chris' pits have been on serious display this season, and on his date with Kaitlyn the pits, back, shoulders and chest made a sweaty appearance.  As if the sweat wasn't enough of an aphrodisiac they proceeded to allow a bunch of monkeys to defecate all over him.   Sweaty Pits + Monkey Urine + Feces......must be time for the fantasy suite.  

Kaitlyn lets Chris know she is falling in love and Chris goes ahead and tells her he is also falling in love.  Hey, whatever it takes, to get some fantasy time before you send her packing, I'm not hating.  

P.S. Nice shorts Kaitlyn, even Jillian was jealous of those.   

One on One: Whitney

Chris and Whitney are on a boat.   It must have been a wild night with Kaitlyn because Chris could not seem more disinterested.  Did Chris say a single word on the boat?  It was nothing but Whitney talking non-stop about her sister, her job, her love for Chris etc.. etc.. and Chris looks really bored.   The only person interested in this date is the boat conductor.      

Back at dinner Chris starts to talk Whitney out of Arlington, letting her know, there is absolutely nothing to do there.  On the bright side if Whitney wants to keep her job in Chicago she could leave every morning at 3:30 to get to work by 8.  Despite Chris telling her how much she will hate it, Whitney fights through and tells him she is cool with being a mom.  With that behind them it's fantasy suite time and what better way to get some privacy than shutting a see through drape.  

One on One: Becca

Is Becca wearing umbros?  So it is fantasy suite week and Becca is a virgin, I wonder what they are going to talk about?

It was nice to see a glimpse of how profound Chris and Becca can be: 

Becca: "Going to Arlington was a big deal because I got out of the car and it was like this is real small and I remember sharing that with you and you were like...it is small."  Fascinating.

Meanwhile, Chris gets Becca back to the fantasy suite.  I was waiting for a pickup line, something along the lines of Arlington may be small, but if you get a little closer I'll show you something big.   But before Chris could make his move Becca let him know she had something to share with him. You could see Chris immediately scan the room for a laptop, or for Sanderson Poe, he's been down this road before.

Becca breaks the news and Chris takes it like a champ.  His eyebrows start to twitch out and he responds with, and I quote: "I'm glad that you you know I it never easy to respond to that kind of stuff ummm but I respect that."  I'm sure Becca felt way better with that speech.

I think Becca approached the virgin issue way wrong.  A more proven approach when you are breaking the news regarding your virginity is to show him a genie bellybutton ring and have him rub it.

Chris and Becca spend the night and the big question is did he take the flower.  Based on her twitter account @beccatilley5 it appears that all Chris got was the sugar donut.  

Rose Ceremony:

Uh oh, Chris wants to talk to Becca prior to handing out the roses.  Whitney and Kaitlyn begin the gloating....oh Chris is such a great guy he wants to let her down soft........record scratch.......he is bringing her back to the rose ceremony....uh oh.  Whitney gets a rose, no surprise there.

It is Becca v. Kaitlyn.  Who would fit better in Iowa?  The Virgin blue baller or the Nose-ring tatted out rap-star. The second Kaitlyn got the nose ring and elbow tats she lost her chance at true love with a farmer.  I did cry though when she put her head on his chest and cried by the van.  For real.  

But props to Kaitlyn she didn't let the devastation get in the way of safety, she was real intent on getting that seat-belt on.   

Can't wait for "The Women Tell Some" next week.  Here's a preview: Crazy: 1) Kelsey, 2) Ashley S. Fake: 1) Britt, 2) Kelsey.  Hurt/Sad: 1) Kaitlyn, 2) Carly.  Misunderstood/Editing Victim: 1) Jade, 2) Jordan, 3) Tara, 4) Ashley I. 

P.P.S. I think Becca's going to win.

How Has This Not Happened To Me On a Date?

Chris....Will You Accept My Rose?

I debated not recapping the majority of the episode and just getting straight to Jade.  But here goes.

One On One: Becca
Becca also gets a one on one and heads back to Chris' loft.  Becca lets Chris know she has never loved anyone.  Yeah Becca, we already know that, you're a virgin.  My bigger question with Becca is whether she is hot or not?  Sometimes, looks pretty, other angles kinda weird, not sure what to think other than it would be hard to find true love with someone who is not beautiful at all angles and at all times, even while sleeping.

Speaking of sleeping with makeup, the real important part of Becca's date is happening back at the hotel with some serious Britt drama.  The non makeupwearingwhilesleeping girls are talking smack about the makeupwearingwhilesleeping girl.  Britt comes in interrupting the mean girls session and lets them know she is all packed up and heading home.  I mean why wouldn't she?  She was on a group date and someone else got the rose, isn't that what all girls do on the group dates?

Harrison shows up and lets the girls know, there will be no cocktail party.  Do farmers not believe in cocktail parties?

Rose Ceremony 1: 
Prior to Chris handing out any roses Britt asks to talk, presumably to let him know she is leaving. Wait, why is she apologizing and asking what he thinks, I guess she is not headed home.  Britt you should know by now, when things start going bad go in for the makeout it works every time, and now look you are gone.  I'm with Carly and the girls, it is so gratifying to see beautiful people get hurt.

If you are hot I would not cross the street in front of Carly, she let a little Kelsey out when Britt got eliminated.

Carly also gets eliminated and asks why can't someone just want her.  Umm, because you are an insecure, busybody prude who is not as hot as Britt.

Becca Hometown Date:
Becca's family pretty much let's Chris know that Becca is extremely cold and that if he likes intimacy he probably shouldn't count on getting it from Becca.  In fact Becca's sister lets us know that the most excitement Chris will get by going to the fantasy suite with Becca is a sugar donut.  Is the sugar donut some type of new technique I am not aware of?  If not, Chris better get rid of Becca ASAP.

Whitney Hometown Date:
Could Whitney and The Bachelor make my jokes any easier?   Whitney takes Chris to her fertility clinic and lets him know that before she can get more serious she will need a specimen, she leads him into the specimen making room (in this day and age why are homes not built with specimen rooms? Do we really use formal dining rooms anymore?  But a specimen room seems like it could really increase resale value of your home..food for thought).  Back to the date.  Chris enters the room and is not backing down, I mean the room has a full supply of Jade pics to aid him in creating the specimen. I would have paid any amount of money for Chris to head to the magazine rack only to find Jade smiling back at him.

Whitney's sister gives Chris the business and is unwilling to give her blessing until Whitney is the only one left.  Might I suggest that The Bachelor have a cell phone handy at the proposal altar on the last episode.  Whitney loves Chris and is putting some real distance between her and the competition. How ironic that Whitney and Chris will be engaged and one month prior they told people at the wedding party they crashed that they were engaged.  Apparently Whitney and Chris were passing out more spoilers than Reality Steve (do not google Reality Steve, unless you want to know who wins, I avoid him and his site like the AIDS).

Kaitlyn Hometown:
Kaitlyn's hometown date included a rap session.  Now, I know Chris had yet to visit Jade, but I think I could have done a much better rap:
My name is Chris and I grow corn
Why hasn't Jade told me she does porn
Arlington, Iowa is super rad
After speaking to Whitney's sister I wish she had a dad
Kaitlyn is a super good rapper
And now I hear that Becca hasn't let anyone tap her
I thought me and Britt would be a perfect fit
Why is Carly mad at her and not Jade for showing the world her t**

Kaitlyn seems cool but has no shot, although she looked pretty good at the rose ceremony, props.

Jade Hometown (Best Hometown Date in Bachelor History):
This was everything I have been waiting for.  This date will go down in the annals of Bachelor history as one of the greatest 15 minutes ever.

So the vibe we got from Becca's family was the exact opposite vibe from Jade's family.  Becca's sister implied that Becca may be a virgin for life, while Jade's brother pretty much called his sister a woman of the night.

I loved when Chris gave Jade the Letterman's jacket and went on and on to the family about how he is so impressed by her small town values.  The family was looking at him like they saw an alien, the Dad pretty much said are we talking about the same person.  You do know she moved to LA right, you do know she has been working on her "modeling".   Too good.

So Chris and Jade leave to get some private time together, oh and what private time it was.  Jade finally breaks the news that she did Playboy.  Chris' eyes turn into little slits and it is getting real awkward, so what better way to break the awkwardness than to offer to show him the spread.  Jade breaks out the computer and Chris gets to see not only pics but a video not only upper but full frontal. Chris' face when she took off the bottoms was priceless.

The good news for Jade is Chris lets her know that he will not judge her for her past decisions and Jade is relieved.

Rose Ceremony No. 2:
Chris judges Jade and lets her go. Poor Jade, she lost out on Arlington, Iowa and has to head back to Chatsworth.

I Really Need to Ameliorate My Posts

Kelsey Interview:

The Chris Tells All portion of the evening started with Kelsey Telling All.  Unsurprisingly Kelsey is shocked at the way the girls saw her, namely as a psycho/allegedmanslaughterer/panicattackfaker. Kelsey lets Harrison know that if she would have known the way people were perceiving her she would have ameliorated it.  Harrison takes ameliorate in stride, acting like he knows that it means to make better.

Kelsey also lets us know that she is a mental health professional.  Ummm, not for long, I don't think many are going to be trusting you to provide guidance with their important issues and life questions.

Did Kelsey really warrant a one on one with Harrison.  There are multiple crazies every year I didn't see anything that out of the ordinary with Kelsey.   

Chris Interview:

The name of the show is Chris Tells All, but really this is nothing more than a 45 minute recap followed by an Andi imagerehab session.  

Harrison hits Chris with the tough questions like: When did you figure out Ashley S was crazy? How drunk was Tara?  Was Jordan really that drunk?  How crazy was Juelia's suicide story?  How crazy was Jillian's homeless sex hypothetical?

Harrison where is the follow up question.  If I were Harrison I would have followed with: If you knew Ashley S was nuts when she went Mesa Verde why did you keep her for 2 more weeks?  If Tara was falling over drunk why did you keep her for 2 more weeks?  When you saw Jordan twerking why did you send her home?  Would you rather sleep with a ratchet homeless chick with a bird in her hair or be celibate?  I mean how many times do we have to hear the homeless girl hypothetical without you giving an answer?  I want to know?  Would it help to hear my answer.  I think I would probably go with the homeless option, depending on the type of bird in her hair.  Is it a nasty pigeon? Or a cute hummingbird? 

Perhaps the most important part of the Chris Tells All was the proof that Harrison and ABC are loyal readers of JonoBeingJono.  Did you hear Harrison use my black box joke that it was actually hooked to her butt?  And did you see them address my question from last week about why show the donkey on Becca's date if it was never around again?  I guarantee at the women tell all Harrison is going to go with some variation of my Ashley I is not a virgin thread.  

Hi My Name Is Andi And My Fame Is Fleeting, Can I Be On Again?  You Let Brad Do It? Please? Pretty Please?

I really want to like Andi, but I can't put my finger on why she annoys me.  She is hot, which I like. She is smart, which I like.  I don't know, but when she was crying from the jump I couldn't help but feel she was really going for an imagerehab.  

Maybe it is how you always respond with yeeeaaahhhhhh.  You say yeaaaahhh almost as instinctively as Who Pablo says Ess Okay.   

On to the episode..

Chris comes back from dropping Ashley I and Kelsey and the girls let them know how proud they are of him.  Chris sees how proud and decides to drop another one...boom Megan outta here.  

Anybody notice Megan's wave as she leaves in the limo.  She looked like my 5 year old daughter with that wave, pretty funny to watch.  At least Megan was the only girl who got an international experience on the show.

One on One: Jade

Jade got the first one on one date and gets to go to Arlington.  Arlington is more depressing than we at first anticipated.  Apparently at Playboy they only teach you to pose and not act as Jade did not do a great job selling her excitement to move to Arlington.  To try and make her feel better Chris offers to name a cow after her, smooth Chris, smooth.  What girl wanted want to be named after a cow, that was an udderly stupid comment (farm and cow joke..boom).  

Chris and Jade head over to Starmont High School.  For those of you that don't know Starmont combines the three cities that attend (Strawberry Point, Arlington and Lamont).  And the principal's name, Sandy Klaus, I kid you not.  Klaus, I think what Chris would like for Christmas is for Jade to re-enact a hot teacher shoot in Chris' old English class. 

Jade is just ready to tell Chris about her past stripping, when Chris drops the hammer "you're from a small town and I can tell that you have a good head on your shoulders"....awkward.  I think what he meant to say is "you now live in LA and you don't like to put clothes on your shoulders" "or your breasts".      

After the date Jade confides her secret to Carly whose reaction is priceless about googling her.  

One on One: Whitney

It's over, at least it should be.  Whitney is actually confident, cute, nice, sweet, smart, real and gets along great with Chris' friend.  So here are Chris' choices 1) Playboy Slore; 2) Super hot self centered liar who hates Iowa; 3) Non-stop crying insecure chick or 4) A legit girl who doesn't use her mom's death as a way to survive another week.  Who does that?  No dad, mom dies and you don't use it to manipulate his feelings? Weak.  Oh but the voice, nevermind go with No. 1 or 2.   

While Whitney is away the other girls take a field trip to Arlington.   Britt is devastated, until the sunset.  Look, cut the girl some slack.  So she lied about her love of Arlington, have you seen her midriff?  So she lied about wanting to be a mother, check her face.

Jesus thinks Carly and Chris are a sure bet.  Tough to argue with that.  

Group Date: The Britt Meltdown

For the group date they go skating and Carly tattles on Britt, letting Chris know that she thinks Arlington sucks.  Chris is confused because Britt told him Arlington has great sunsets.  That night Chris decides to really get to the bottom of Britt's love of Arlington, but they just end up making out. Convincing enough.  Kaitlyn gets a rose over Britt, which sets off a meltdown. Britt goes Kelsey and stares Chris down, then proceeds to ask him why he would give a rose to Kaitlyn over her when she is clearly hotter than Kaitlyn (she has a point)?   Carly is giddy and Chris leaves....to be continued.

Kelsey Ain't Got Nothin On Me Biatch

Spoiler Alert: Nice previews ABC, you showed Jade and Becca on hometown dates and we already know Kaitlyn got a rose and Whitney is getting a rose, so not too much drama remains....I really gotta stop watching these previews but I can't resist.

Snitches Get Stitches

Drink up Ashley, it's a little cocktail I mixed you, I call it the "Sanderson Poe"

So we left off lest week with no rose ceremony and Kelsey writhing on the ground in an apparent panic attack.  Queue this week, Kelsey still on the ground...should we call 911?  Rush her to the emergency room?  No, let's talk about brownies and call Chris.  If that doesn't cure the situation, nothing will.  And what do you know, a Chriskiss is the perfect prescription and Kelsey is miraculously cured, she must be immeasurably blessed.  Well, now that she is good, let's have a rose ceremony.

Mackenzie, lets us know she will never get over this.  Why would she, I mean they hung out once and shared their philosophy on life (well extraterrestrial life).  

Samantha also gets the ax.  Do we know who she is?  I don't think she got a one on one or a group date.  She looks pretty good though, so not real sure what happened there.  

It's time to get out of the country, what's next Paris, London, Sidney, Tokyo, Deadwood? Deadwood it is.  

One on One Date:  Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy (Oh wait she is a virgin)

Finally, Becca got a little attention.  I thought she would make a late run.  Whereas, Kaitlyn is like that girl who is hot in junior high but never progresses, Becca is that girl who didn't peak too soon and is now coming into her own and I think she is a legitimate top 3 contender to find true love. There was nothing really comical to see on their date, other than Chris' laugh.   Their kiss was a little awkward but by Bachelor standards nothing to really get crazy about.  I do have two questions: 1) Why was the donkey there if they weren't going to ride it? and 2) Are there no hot tubs in South Dakota.  Hot tub time this year has been very limited. 

Back at the house Carly is building herself up some to confront Kelsey about her ridiculous behavior.  Kelsey shows up and, Carly wilts, leaving Whitney to start in on her.  It kind of reminded me of when pantsaprenuer wanted to get in Nick's face but then wilted letting Josh do his dirty work.   

Group/One on One Date: Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy

For the group/one on one date we got to meet Britt's favorite band Big and Rich.  Megan and Carly are beside themselves as they are going to get to show off their singing chops, meanwhile Jade is pouty since she is a perfectionist and can't sing.  Luckily Big or was that Rich?  took her for a run up main street and now she is ready to be the next TSwizz.  

Britt starts us off with her song and she did fantastic.  I mean the way she wore that red shirt showed incredible talent.   Next up is Kaitlyn and she of course gives an impressive rap and showed an uncanny ability to rhyme with fever.  I'm not hating at all, as a boy who grew up in Utah I know firsthand how hard it is to make a funny beaver joke.  Every guy who has taken that regretful drive down the I-15 through Fillmore/Beaver has undoubtedly made some variation of the "I can't wait to get to Fillmore/Beaver joke" and it takes a lot of creativity.

Thereafter Jade sucked, Megan was great and Carly drops a Grammy award winning performance which will undoubtedly get her some sort of bonus on the group date, like maybe a Big and Rich concert.  Oh wait, is that Chris and Britt sneaking off to the Big and Rich show, I'm shocked.   Meanwhile, Whitney, Megan, Kaitlyn and Carly are left back at the hotel whining about Chris and Britt's connection and why Britt got to go to the concert when she doesn't even like country music? Listen ladies, it is pretty simple.  If you want to go to the concert you should be prettier.   Chris tells us that him and Britt have this crazy chemistry and he just doesn't know how to explain it.  Let me try and help you explain it Chris:

1. She is kinda good looking

2. She likes to take long "naps"

3. She is kinda good looking first thing in the morning   

4. She looks pretty good taking "naps"

Hopefully that clears it up.  Carly gets real weepy which is understandable because she has told us that she gets her self esteem from men, so Chris leaving her in the hotel for over an hour while he gallivants with Britt is probably doing wonders for her self worth.  

The Main Event 2 on 1: Snitches Get Stitches

Before we get to the details of the much awaited date of Ashley v. Kelsey, can we address the claim that both of these girls have masters degrees?  My argument for skipping college just got a little stronger.   

On to Ash v. Kel. It appears Ashley has a 3 point plan.  Point 1 make the belly button ring very visible, nothing says virgin like a pierced belly button.  Point 2 when it starts to get awkward go for the aggressive virgin makeout.  Finally, if Points 1 and 2 are not working start snitching.  One problem, does Ashley know who she is snitching on?  I, for one would not cross Kelsey under circumstances.  I half expect to get an email from her about my blog titled "JBJ, I Know What You Did." (Kelsey, I for one love you, your story is amazing, you are smart and immeasurably blessed). 

Did someone monitor Ashley's drink while she was away with Chris? (Kelsey, I for one love you, your story is amazing, you are smart and immeasurably blessed). 

Kelsey then gets her crack with Chris and they spend the majority of the time talking about the allegations that she doesn't get along with the girls.

Kelsey heads back and gives Ashley the stare down, when Ashley finally acknowledges her staring she gets the now infamous "I know what you did"  I haven't had chills go down my spine like that since J Love Hewitt got a similar call 15 years ago. (Kelsey, I for one love you, your story is amazing, you are smart and immeasurably blessed).    

When the dust settled, both girls got left in the Badlands to expire without ever finding true love. Ashley then loses her mind, and I gotta give her credit she dropped a bomb on Britt on the way out.  

I hope you all watched the previews.  Jade apparently has some nudey pics out there, from a journalistic standpoint I am trying to verify the veracity of these allegations (jk honey).  But in all honesty,  I have not been giving myself enough credit lately.  Please refer back to my post of January 27 where I made the statement that while Jade was playing the sweet Nebraska girl image, that I thought she was a stripper.  It seems that I have an impeccable slutdar and I absolutely nailed it.

Next week are we going to Paris?  Nope it looks like we're headed to Arlington.  Oh, Dallas that should be somewhat fun.  Oh, Arlington, Iowa not Texas.  I guess it's time to try and break Britt down, we'll see.   

  

     

My Blog Is So Tragic!

I Love My Story

Finally the show went international this week as the crew traveled to New Mexico.  This is why I love TV, there is always so much to learn, here I am thinking New Mexico was a landlocked State pertaining to the United States of America when in fact it is just a better more newer version of Mexico surrounded by palm trees and beaches.  Luckily the Bachelor lets us live vicariously through them as I'm sure I'll never get the chance to surf Albuquerque Beach or snorkel in the Santa Fe Lagoon.  Maybe if Megan ends up with Chris she'll get to ski the beautiful slopes of Des Moines Mountain or go on a trip to Boston to see Buckingham Palace and the Queen of New England.

One On One - Carly and the Sex Guru
So Carly and Chris got to visit a "love" guru.  I've gotta be straight, the love guru really knows her stuff.  I agree with her, there is no way to know if you have a suitable mate until you find out if she can do this:

And I Quote "Chris you are going to come around the hips and into her thighs"

I guess I know where I am going on my anniversary this year, Santa Fe is amazing.

Oh and Carly, let me give you some quick advice.  It appears you have never watched any of the previous seasons.  When you are given the opportunity to remove your clothing, it does not matter how awkward you feel, your morals do not matter, you just do it.....if you have any questions in this regard just call Andi.

Poor Carly feels sad that her last boyfriend was either repulsed by her or gay.   But Carly don't be so hard on yourself, girls should get their self esteem from boys, that is normal and very healthy.  If I don't find you hot, you should hate yourself.

Group Date: River Rafting and the Hypothermic Butt
So the girls get a tutorial on how they could die on this intense river and then they proceed to through a raft into the lake, was the lake even moving?  Despite the raft barely moving, Jade managed to get thrown from the raft.  Notice, that Chris did not jump in after her, what a jerk.

Not surprisingly Jade got hypothermia which required therapy from Chris.  I though Mackenzie was weird all season but her butt cold comment was genius, she is stealing potential material from me.

After the swim in the lake they head back to the lodge and who is this girl waiting for Chris?  Jordan?  Wow, she looks way better sober.  She is actually kinda cute.  We learn that Jordan has come back because it was destiny that she marry Chris and they never got a real chance.  Nothing messes up destiny like Jim Beam and Johnny Walker.   Jordan, I want to take you serious, but I read your bio before the season started:
 Q: If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do?
A: Give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.

On second thought why is she not still in the competition?  Her answer is so profound.

Jordan's return unfortunately sent the group date in a downward spiral of analysis about the ethics of Jordan returning and how one should appropriately feel when a discarded woman returns.  It's an age old question and I thought the girls did a wonderful job of breaking it down, analyzing it and giving some real heartfelt thoughts and opinions on this important subject.

I have an idea for the next rose ceremony.  If you don't get a rose, just refuse to leave, Chris won't have the heart to send you packing immediately and maybe you can score another free trip to the next destination before you get told to leave again.  

One On One: Hot Air Balloon and Dirty Socks
Finally Britt gets some more time with Chris.  And we now learn that Britt has yet to shower since the show started.  We also learn that Britt likes to wear gnarly dirty socks on her dates.  Yet despite being disgusting, she wears makeup to bed and looks perfect when woken at 4:00 a.m.  This seems like a bit of a paradox to me, why is she so obsessed with makeup and how she looks but not cleanliness?  Which leads to the next paradox, crying one day about fear of heights while excitedly hopping aboard a hot air balloon?  Or telling the girls you don't want kids then telling Chris you want 100?

I for one am going to cut her a break she seems to have a real sweet spirit about her, she wears chucks, and who doesn't like a girl who can take a two hour nap.

One on One: Amazingly Tragic and Sanderson Poe
Despite not getting invited, upon hearing about Chris and Britt's nap Kelsey decides it is time to tell her story and goes straight to Chris' room.

We learn that poor Sanderson Poe died of something, we're not sure what it is called maybe congenital disease or something like that, but don't be sad her story is amazing, we love that story.  In fact I am nearly positive that 10 years from now we will be hearing some podcast detailing the way in which Sanderson Poe was poisoned.  

Boy oh boy was Ashley right, Kelsey's story was a game changer in fact it went straight from my husband died a year ago from some genital heart disease to making out......creepy.

Kelsey returns to the fold and is now super confident that she is getting a rose.  Meanwhile, Chris looks like he just saw an alien and calls off the cocktail party.  This sends Kelsey into a literal panic and we get a ........to be continued.  What????  I refuse to not have a rose ceremony.  Harrison better not have got paid for this episode.

So what did Kelsey tell Chris?  I have a theory and it goes something like this (allegedly):  Chris if you don't give me a rose and start our love story right now I have a feeling you might get congenital heart syndrome and end up just like old Sanderson Poe.

We'll see, but my guess is Kelsey sends herself home, sparing Ashley another week to really try and humiliate herself.  











         

I Will Miss You Black Box

Welcome to the picture issue, trying something new this week.

Oh, Julian, it is sad to see you go.  I mean your one on one date went so well, I don't know what happened.  I personally love going out to eat and answering important hypotheticals such as would you rather sleep with a ratchet homeless chick or abstain for 5 years?  Talk about an impossible scenario, is there not a third option?  Well he made out with you Julian, so it is probably a good thing that your hypothetical didn't involve sleeping with a man.  In honor of your departure I thought we would pay homage:

My butt is hungry and it is eating my swimsuit

Should you really have an ipad that close to the pool?

Shorts?

Frontal?

Nice to Meet You Chris' Family

I don't blame Chris for getting rid of her, who really wants to marry a girl with an ipad permanently attached to her butt?  I do have to ask was the black box really necessary all the time, what is she hiding?  Could it be that Julian is a man?  If so I imagine Chris will someday regret this:

Do I feel something on my leg?

 I'm not too worried about the loss of Julian, so long as we have Kaitlyn:

Thanks For Lending Me Your Box, Julian

I loved Kaitlyn's reaction upon learning that not only was Ashley I a virgin, but also Becca.  It was like she saw Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman at the same time.

While we are on the subject of Virgins:

My Mouth Aint a Virgin

Ashley I is my favorite virgin of all time.  Let's be real 1) Topless; 2) Buddha Belly Button Ring; 3) Looks up to the Kardashians; 4) Aggressive maker outer.  C'mon Ashley, I'm not buying it, and apparently neither is Chris, did you see the look of shock when you told him?

Speaking of shocked, why was Ashley S let go?  She seemed so normal and down to earth:

These Bitches Are Dead To Me

I Love You

Anybody Seen My Medication?

Speaking of creepy, how about the camera man offering to help Kelsey when a bee stung her vijayjay:

Could I rub some ointment on that?

What is more aggravating Kelsey's laugh or Whitney's voice?
 

I didn't get the Cinderalla Date? What?  But I am the favorite?

Wow, Chris is a real great communicator.
Britt: So Chris are you validating slutty behavior by giving Kaitlyn a rose?
Chris: Umm, eehh, Kaitlyn, errr, uhh, noooorrr, eeyyyy, sooo, well, uhhh, I'm out of here I'm a man.
I must admit I can't quite figure out Jade.  She seemed like such a sweet girl on the Cinderella date (BTW, it was so interesting that ABC did a whole Cinderella re-enactment, is there a Cinderella movie coming out or something?  Stay Tuned.).

Ahh, I'm Jade a sweet young girl from Nebraska

I'm Jade just another Nebraskan Hoe (farming reference) who move to L.A. and owns a pair of stripper hills.

Finally, next week we get to leave the mansion.  We all know it is hard to find true love while living in a mansion and going on local dates.  To find true love you need to travel the world and go on international dates so it should be exceptional.

My power rankings:
1. Britt
2. Jade
3. Whitney

My Fantasy Team:
1. Kelsey
2. Ashley S

Another AMAZING episode!

Boy Codycode Did a Number on You

Random Thoughts:
1. Did ABC get Ahsley S some medication STAT or what?  In one day she went from being a raving lunatic gunning girls down while screaming “Mesa Verde” to practically not even being on the show. 2. Ashley I is not a virgin.   If your role model is a Kardashian you are not a virgin.  If you though Kim K broke the internet, wait until Ashley I loses her flour (farm reference) to Chris.

J    3. Jimmy Kimmel > Chris Harrison.  It hurts me to say as I personally consider Harrison an icon, I mean he does head up the Mt. Rushmore of hosts (Harrison, Seacrest, Daly, and Lodge) but Kimmel was amazing. 

          4.  My favorite Kimmel joke from the episode “Don’t be yourself, be someone who gives better speeches”

One on One Date: Kaitlyn at Costco

So I may have to stop watching next week’s previews.  The clue about an exclusive club with raised ceilings would have been much funnier had I not known they were already going to Costco.  My only concern with the previews is that if I stop watching and then rewatching in slow motion I might not know if next week will be the most dramatic week yet. 

I loved Kaitlyn’s outfit, I grew up in the 90’s and when she tied that flannel around her waist I could have sworn it was 1994 and I was at a Candlebox concert.  Mixing it with a maxi and it was like the best of 1994 meets the best of 2014, amazing.  

So Kaitlyn is def trying too hard to be the “cool chick”.  Yea I love meat.  Whiskey, duhhh, of course.  Bang 3 chicks on successive nights on the same bed....sure you have to test drive the car, right.  

And did anyone else think she was lying when she said she had dated farmers before.  Maybe it is my keenly trained lawyer eye but she really got flustered when they asked her what kind of farm.  Ummm, you know, ummm the real kind, milking cows and stuff.  

Group Date: The Blurred Out Farm Olympics

Bachelor historians unite.  Has there ever been a contestant get as much bottom blur as Jillian?  Maybe Lucy, but she seemed to have more upper blur and Jillian has yet to wear anything, swimsuit or regular outfit, which does not require a blur of her nether-regions.   

I thought Kimmel did a great job organizing this event.  Is there any better indicator of a future successful marriage than the girl's ability to milk a goat?  A lot of important qualities there.   And Amber I probably better not repeat your comment about things you don't like in your mouth but it is a good thing Chris didn't hear it or you would not have made it to the rose ceremony, immediate disqualification.   

In the end Carly went beast mode and beat out Julian (misspelling on purpose) despite being lactose intolerant, and what does she win......a dress up with Chris to take some American Gothic pics?

The nightcap found Chris making out with each and every one of the girls and Mackenzie asking him why, which was super awkward but actually pretty funny and a decent enough question.  

One on One: Whitney and Chris Get Invited to a Wedding

Oh they weren't invited?  They crashed the wedding?  Ummm okay.  Question 1: That didn't look like iphone footage.  Question 2: Why no blurs on anyone's face, I believe that requires a release.  Question 3:  Where did the fancy clothes come from if you were headed to a winery.  Question 4: You went from walking down to the wedding in broad daylight to in a limo at night being taken to a hotel, what happened in between?  Question 5: How did you know where the reception was?  Question 6: How were you mic'ed up?

Who am I to question.  Withney says she is spontaneous so I better just believe her.  I mean who can't tell she seems like a real wild child who likes to fly by the seat of her pants.

Whitney declared that Chris is an amazing dancer because he does incredible dance moves like the lawnmower, the sprinkler, the fishing pole etc...  Whitney, I hate to break it to you but those are the go to moves of those that can't dance.  Every white person knows this and has done one or all of those moves at some awkward point in their lives.  

Cocktail Party errrrrrr Pool Party errrrrr Baggage Party errrrr Take Chris Anywhere But the Pool Party:

Jimmy breaks the news that no cocktail party tonight, however there will be a pool party.  Ashley I  is devastated that she doesn't get to break out her Kardashian look, oh and what do you know Jillian is blurred again.  

Juelia sees the pool party as an amazing opportunity to let Chris know that her husband killed himself.  You know the natural sequence hey pool party....bikinis.....cocktails.......beach balls......chicken fights.......husband kills himself.......sobbing.......back to Jillian's blur.

This brings up an interesting discussion re: strategy.  When do you go to the well with the psycho family drama.  It clearly will you get a rose for that week, but if you go to early you have nothing else to use for future roses.  Obviously it probably depends on how hot you are and how much weird stuff you are wearing on your head.  Clearly when Juelia decided to break out the stuff she was wearing on her head she was not getting a rose so she was probably right to go with the suicide card, but she is in a real pickle now, because I don't know how she can top it.  Maybe go with....after the suicide I became addicted to meth......went to rehab......now know not to sweat the small things in life.....am really open to finding love.   

Uh oh Jade brought her stripper heels to the pool party and is taking Chris back to his place (did Chris spend anytime at the pool, during the pool party).  Big time make out back in the pad while Jillian patiently await in Chris' hot tub.  So I think Codycode maybe got Chris a little too bulky.  It appears without 6 hours of pumping iron a day combined with protein IV's that Chris' bulk is turning a little flabby.  When him and Jade were getting down I got a little excited as I swore I saw a boob.  I was so shocked that ABC would show such nudity that I had to rewind it only to learn that my excitement actually came from seeing Chris' nipple and large moob.  I've spent the entire day trying to sort out this confusion, but I think I may need therapy.  To make matters worse Chris proceeded to make out with Julian it is all getting very confusing. 

Megan admits she looks like a crackwhore.  Ashley I melts down.  Britt's convo doesn't go so great so she just starts making out mid-sentence (actually not a bad move).  

In the end Tracy, Amber and Trina get the boot, nothing to see there.  Harrison stalks Kimmel during the rose ceremony to make sure he doesn't mess it up which was kinda creepy.  Kimmel in the limo was spot on "we spent four days together", very entertaining.  See you next week when it appears that Ashley I will no longer be a virgin.