Snitches Get Stitches

Drink up Ashley, it's a little cocktail I mixed you, I call it the "Sanderson Poe"

So we left off lest week with no rose ceremony and Kelsey writhing on the ground in an apparent panic attack.  Queue this week, Kelsey still on the ground...should we call 911?  Rush her to the emergency room?  No, let's talk about brownies and call Chris.  If that doesn't cure the situation, nothing will.  And what do you know, a Chriskiss is the perfect prescription and Kelsey is miraculously cured, she must be immeasurably blessed.  Well, now that she is good, let's have a rose ceremony.

Mackenzie, lets us know she will never get over this.  Why would she, I mean they hung out once and shared their philosophy on life (well extraterrestrial life).  

Samantha also gets the ax.  Do we know who she is?  I don't think she got a one on one or a group date.  She looks pretty good though, so not real sure what happened there.  

It's time to get out of the country, what's next Paris, London, Sidney, Tokyo, Deadwood? Deadwood it is.  

One on One Date:  Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy (Oh wait she is a virgin)

Finally, Becca got a little attention.  I thought she would make a late run.  Whereas, Kaitlyn is like that girl who is hot in junior high but never progresses, Becca is that girl who didn't peak too soon and is now coming into her own and I think she is a legitimate top 3 contender to find true love. There was nothing really comical to see on their date, other than Chris' laugh.   Their kiss was a little awkward but by Bachelor standards nothing to really get crazy about.  I do have two questions: 1) Why was the donkey there if they weren't going to ride it? and 2) Are there no hot tubs in South Dakota.  Hot tub time this year has been very limited. 

Back at the house Carly is building herself up some to confront Kelsey about her ridiculous behavior.  Kelsey shows up and, Carly wilts, leaving Whitney to start in on her.  It kind of reminded me of when pantsaprenuer wanted to get in Nick's face but then wilted letting Josh do his dirty work.   

Group/One on One Date: Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy

For the group/one on one date we got to meet Britt's favorite band Big and Rich.  Megan and Carly are beside themselves as they are going to get to show off their singing chops, meanwhile Jade is pouty since she is a perfectionist and can't sing.  Luckily Big or was that Rich?  took her for a run up main street and now she is ready to be the next TSwizz.  

Britt starts us off with her song and she did fantastic.  I mean the way she wore that red shirt showed incredible talent.   Next up is Kaitlyn and she of course gives an impressive rap and showed an uncanny ability to rhyme with fever.  I'm not hating at all, as a boy who grew up in Utah I know firsthand how hard it is to make a funny beaver joke.  Every guy who has taken that regretful drive down the I-15 through Fillmore/Beaver has undoubtedly made some variation of the "I can't wait to get to Fillmore/Beaver joke" and it takes a lot of creativity.

Thereafter Jade sucked, Megan was great and Carly drops a Grammy award winning performance which will undoubtedly get her some sort of bonus on the group date, like maybe a Big and Rich concert.  Oh wait, is that Chris and Britt sneaking off to the Big and Rich show, I'm shocked.   Meanwhile, Whitney, Megan, Kaitlyn and Carly are left back at the hotel whining about Chris and Britt's connection and why Britt got to go to the concert when she doesn't even like country music? Listen ladies, it is pretty simple.  If you want to go to the concert you should be prettier.   Chris tells us that him and Britt have this crazy chemistry and he just doesn't know how to explain it.  Let me try and help you explain it Chris:

1. She is kinda good looking

2. She likes to take long "naps"

3. She is kinda good looking first thing in the morning   

4. She looks pretty good taking "naps"

Hopefully that clears it up.  Carly gets real weepy which is understandable because she has told us that she gets her self esteem from men, so Chris leaving her in the hotel for over an hour while he gallivants with Britt is probably doing wonders for her self worth.  

The Main Event 2 on 1: Snitches Get Stitches

Before we get to the details of the much awaited date of Ashley v. Kelsey, can we address the claim that both of these girls have masters degrees?  My argument for skipping college just got a little stronger.   

On to Ash v. Kel. It appears Ashley has a 3 point plan.  Point 1 make the belly button ring very visible, nothing says virgin like a pierced belly button.  Point 2 when it starts to get awkward go for the aggressive virgin makeout.  Finally, if Points 1 and 2 are not working start snitching.  One problem, does Ashley know who she is snitching on?  I, for one would not cross Kelsey under circumstances.  I half expect to get an email from her about my blog titled "JBJ, I Know What You Did." (Kelsey, I for one love you, your story is amazing, you are smart and immeasurably blessed). 

Did someone monitor Ashley's drink while she was away with Chris? (Kelsey, I for one love you, your story is amazing, you are smart and immeasurably blessed). 

Kelsey then gets her crack with Chris and they spend the majority of the time talking about the allegations that she doesn't get along with the girls.

Kelsey heads back and gives Ashley the stare down, when Ashley finally acknowledges her staring she gets the now infamous "I know what you did"  I haven't had chills go down my spine like that since J Love Hewitt got a similar call 15 years ago. (Kelsey, I for one love you, your story is amazing, you are smart and immeasurably blessed).    

When the dust settled, both girls got left in the Badlands to expire without ever finding true love. Ashley then loses her mind, and I gotta give her credit she dropped a bomb on Britt on the way out.  

I hope you all watched the previews.  Jade apparently has some nudey pics out there, from a journalistic standpoint I am trying to verify the veracity of these allegations (jk honey).  But in all honesty,  I have not been giving myself enough credit lately.  Please refer back to my post of January 27 where I made the statement that while Jade was playing the sweet Nebraska girl image, that I thought she was a stripper.  It seems that I have an impeccable slutdar and I absolutely nailed it.

Next week are we going to Paris?  Nope it looks like we're headed to Arlington.  Oh, Dallas that should be somewhat fun.  Oh, Arlington, Iowa not Texas.  I guess it's time to try and break Britt down, we'll see.