I Really Need to Ameliorate My Posts

Kelsey Interview:

The Chris Tells All portion of the evening started with Kelsey Telling All.  Unsurprisingly Kelsey is shocked at the way the girls saw her, namely as a psycho/allegedmanslaughterer/panicattackfaker. Kelsey lets Harrison know that if she would have known the way people were perceiving her she would have ameliorated it.  Harrison takes ameliorate in stride, acting like he knows that it means to make better.

Kelsey also lets us know that she is a mental health professional.  Ummm, not for long, I don't think many are going to be trusting you to provide guidance with their important issues and life questions.

Did Kelsey really warrant a one on one with Harrison.  There are multiple crazies every year I didn't see anything that out of the ordinary with Kelsey.   

Chris Interview:

The name of the show is Chris Tells All, but really this is nothing more than a 45 minute recap followed by an Andi imagerehab session.  

Harrison hits Chris with the tough questions like: When did you figure out Ashley S was crazy? How drunk was Tara?  Was Jordan really that drunk?  How crazy was Juelia's suicide story?  How crazy was Jillian's homeless sex hypothetical?

Harrison where is the follow up question.  If I were Harrison I would have followed with: If you knew Ashley S was nuts when she went Mesa Verde why did you keep her for 2 more weeks?  If Tara was falling over drunk why did you keep her for 2 more weeks?  When you saw Jordan twerking why did you send her home?  Would you rather sleep with a ratchet homeless chick with a bird in her hair or be celibate?  I mean how many times do we have to hear the homeless girl hypothetical without you giving an answer?  I want to know?  Would it help to hear my answer.  I think I would probably go with the homeless option, depending on the type of bird in her hair.  Is it a nasty pigeon? Or a cute hummingbird? 

Perhaps the most important part of the Chris Tells All was the proof that Harrison and ABC are loyal readers of JonoBeingJono.  Did you hear Harrison use my black box joke that it was actually hooked to her butt?  And did you see them address my question from last week about why show the donkey on Becca's date if it was never around again?  I guarantee at the women tell all Harrison is going to go with some variation of my Ashley I is not a virgin thread.  

Hi My Name Is Andi And My Fame Is Fleeting, Can I Be On Again?  You Let Brad Do It? Please? Pretty Please?

I really want to like Andi, but I can't put my finger on why she annoys me.  She is hot, which I like. She is smart, which I like.  I don't know, but when she was crying from the jump I couldn't help but feel she was really going for an imagerehab.  

Maybe it is how you always respond with yeeeaaahhhhhh.  You say yeaaaahhh almost as instinctively as Who Pablo says Ess Okay.   

On to the episode..

Chris comes back from dropping Ashley I and Kelsey and the girls let them know how proud they are of him.  Chris sees how proud and decides to drop another one...boom Megan outta here.  

Anybody notice Megan's wave as she leaves in the limo.  She looked like my 5 year old daughter with that wave, pretty funny to watch.  At least Megan was the only girl who got an international experience on the show.

One on One: Jade

Jade got the first one on one date and gets to go to Arlington.  Arlington is more depressing than we at first anticipated.  Apparently at Playboy they only teach you to pose and not act as Jade did not do a great job selling her excitement to move to Arlington.  To try and make her feel better Chris offers to name a cow after her, smooth Chris, smooth.  What girl wanted want to be named after a cow, that was an udderly stupid comment (farm and cow joke..boom).  

Chris and Jade head over to Starmont High School.  For those of you that don't know Starmont combines the three cities that attend (Strawberry Point, Arlington and Lamont).  And the principal's name, Sandy Klaus, I kid you not.  Klaus, I think what Chris would like for Christmas is for Jade to re-enact a hot teacher shoot in Chris' old English class. 

Jade is just ready to tell Chris about her past stripping, when Chris drops the hammer "you're from a small town and I can tell that you have a good head on your shoulders"....awkward.  I think what he meant to say is "you now live in LA and you don't like to put clothes on your shoulders" "or your breasts".      

After the date Jade confides her secret to Carly whose reaction is priceless about googling her.  

One on One: Whitney

It's over, at least it should be.  Whitney is actually confident, cute, nice, sweet, smart, real and gets along great with Chris' friend.  So here are Chris' choices 1) Playboy Slore; 2) Super hot self centered liar who hates Iowa; 3) Non-stop crying insecure chick or 4) A legit girl who doesn't use her mom's death as a way to survive another week.  Who does that?  No dad, mom dies and you don't use it to manipulate his feelings? Weak.  Oh but the voice, nevermind go with No. 1 or 2.   

While Whitney is away the other girls take a field trip to Arlington.   Britt is devastated, until the sunset.  Look, cut the girl some slack.  So she lied about her love of Arlington, have you seen her midriff?  So she lied about wanting to be a mother, check her face.

Jesus thinks Carly and Chris are a sure bet.  Tough to argue with that.  

Group Date: The Britt Meltdown

For the group date they go skating and Carly tattles on Britt, letting Chris know that she thinks Arlington sucks.  Chris is confused because Britt told him Arlington has great sunsets.  That night Chris decides to really get to the bottom of Britt's love of Arlington, but they just end up making out. Convincing enough.  Kaitlyn gets a rose over Britt, which sets off a meltdown. Britt goes Kelsey and stares Chris down, then proceeds to ask him why he would give a rose to Kaitlyn over her when she is clearly hotter than Kaitlyn (she has a point)?   Carly is giddy and Chris leaves....to be continued.

Kelsey Ain't Got Nothin On Me Biatch

Spoiler Alert: Nice previews ABC, you showed Jade and Becca on hometown dates and we already know Kaitlyn got a rose and Whitney is getting a rose, so not too much drama remains....I really gotta stop watching these previews but I can't resist.