How Do You Expect Me To Buy The Car Without A Test Drive

"Juan Pablo really said that he likes effing Clare, what a pig?"

So, I wonder what I should talk about in this week's blog.  But before we get to the main event (aka "why did you do me gate") let's hit a few of the high and low lights of the final episode.

The episode started with Andi's dad Hy showing some serious thigh.

Nick is super nervous and I was shocked to see him speaking without opening his mouth and looking down everytime he speaks, he never does that, he must have been real nervous.

Josh (and his perfect brows) then show up to meet the fam sans buttons on his shirt.  He starts speaking very rapidly and left me feeling on edge, I can't imagine how Andi's poor mom felt.

Andi then moves on to the last one one one date with @jmurbulldog (yes that is really Josh's twitter handle).  For much of the date her hand is around J Mur's crotch and at one point she exclaims "we've come a lonnnnggggg way".  Now that we know Andi is a slore I think we all know what she meant by that comment.  Josh surprisingly worked in a baseball themed present by giving Andi a baseball card, which I want to make fun of but I must admit it was totes adorbs.

The final one on one date goes to Nick and poor Nick thinks he has this thing on lock because he got in Andi's pants and backless shirt.  This is the way Nick saw the season going 1) Be a dick to the guys; 2) Wear a scarf; 3) Look down a lot; 4) Wear another scarf; 5) Mumble mumble; 6) Farmer's market; 7) Act stalkerish; 8) Bang Andi; 9) Giver he some sand; 10) Get final rose; 11) Propose while looking down and not opening mouth while speaking.  To his credit he got to number 9.

Allow me to make a quick suggestion to ABC (I know your peeps read this blog).  I am growing tired of sending the final contestant home out of an abundance of respect.  We miss two limos showing up and letting the person ramble about how much they love the bachelor/ette only to have their hopes and dreams destroyed on national TV.  I mean, C'mon Andi you just slept with two dudes in a 24 hour span and now you insist on showing some class and giving Nick some respect? At whose expense?  The only ones that suffer from you giving him respect are us.  Can you imagine the Nick meltdown if that happened at the altar, TV gold.

Nick probably never wanted to see a middle aged rich dude as bad as when Andi showed up at his door instead of Neil Lane.  Speaking of Neil Lane, after getting shafted on Juan Pablo's season it looks like he is back in a big way, insisting that his name be inscribed on the box as J Mur popped the question.  

Finally the altar scene, where the true love can finally blossom and flow.  Good old Josh manages to speak even faster than usual he gets in some baseball analogies and a lot of cliches.  As Andi doesn't respond he steps up the speed of his talking and his hair starts to lose form as the sweat starts dripping and finally Andi lets him know that she has loved him from the second he got out of the limo on night one (that's not very shallow). Josh is so pumped that he puts her in a headlock as they engage in some awkward/violent kiss pecking.

Alright enough of the finale, let's get to the main event: After the Final Rose.  Finally after multiple attempts at speaking to Andi, Nick gets his chance at redemption and he did not disappoint.  We finally have someone calling out the bachelor/ette for having relations with them.  Wait a second didn't Clare say that Juan Pablo told her he loved f'ing her, I digress.   So Arie yells at Emily as she gives him the boot, but you just slept with me, oh wait I digress again.

Nick is super sad and hits below the belt (no pun intended) by putting Andi on blast for making love to him and doing fiance things in the fantasy suite with him.  Is anyone else interested in more details of what are "fiance things"?  All I know is is sounds like I need to get engaged again, "fiance things" sounds great.  Nick is clearly a bag, but I don't exactly feel heartbroken for Andi.  If you don't want to look like a slore than don't do slorish things.  BTW if you wanted to get Nick back, the better response would have been, yeah I did make love to you and that's why a picked Josh...zing!

And Josh, really?  I mean really? You have nothing to say on this subject.   You do know that Nick went to the fantasy suite first, right?  About 18 hours before you.  Think about that one for a second.  I guess you got scoreboard though, so its all good.   I get the feeling that Josh couldn't be more pumped to be getting all of this attention, finally out from the shadow of his little brother.

I guess everyone can't be Sean and Catherine.  I am predicting it will be weeks rather than months before Andi and Josh are living here in the City of Angels, but I ain't hating, Andi you are welcome to join NPN law at any time, we may even match that DA salary of $42,500 you were raking in Georgia.
For those of you concerned that the season is over and no blog for awhile, don't forget Bachelor in Paradise begins August 4.  Trust me, there will be plenty of material to blog about from that show.

Andi, if you cared about me this would not have happened /s/ Nick

Men Tell Some

Do you guys want to see me put jelly on my belly?

 Is Pants still crying?

Highlights:

Annoying Ashley getting jellied up for one of the weirdest live moments ever as she got ultrasounded.  ABC, please less Ashley and more Catherine (I will however tune in to see Ashley's baby crown live on ABC).  

Harrison, still not over Juan Pablo....they are still together BTW.

45 minutes of racism analysis is very tedious.  We could have saved 43 minutes if Andrew would have come with....Hey Marquel I am so sorry that I never made a racist comment even though Pants said I might or might not have please accept my apology.

Really another segment on racism because Pants didn't get to speak his mind.  Pants, wipe the tears away and it would be easier for you to be heard. 

Marquel and his love of cookies is soooooo funny, haha lol, he loves cookies, hahaha lolol he has a cookie patch on his jacket.

In case you haven't heard ABC has a new show "Bachelor in Paradise"

In case you haven't heard Chris is the next Bachelor.

The mysterious random girl who just happened to want to date Chris, just happened to be mic'd up.

Andi is pregnant with Josh's baby.  You can deny it all you want Andi, but I am counting the days and when you miraculously have a baby in 8 months the truth will be out.

Josh is a liar...I am so shocked.  

Someone wrote Andi a letter.  What could it be?  The secret admirer has been eliminated, it can't be him.  Desiree's fake fiance isn't on this season so it can't be a poem.  I'm not sure Josh would know how to write such a thick letter so I am going with Nick breaking Andi's heart. 

It's been an exciting season, see you all at my house on Monday for the finale, who knows maybe Harrison and Andi will crash the party. 



 

If Respecting Me Means No Fantasy Suite Than I Don't Want Nor Deserve Your Respect

Obvi, otherwise I wouldn't have spent the whole night talking, on back to back nights.

We all know that the last time Andi went to a fantasy suite that it did not go well (Juan Pablo).  My advice to the men before we start, do not drop the names of any celebrities and DO NOT utter the work "okay".  If you can follow these two rules you are likely to find "true love" with Andi in the fantasy suite. 

Nick:
Boy could Marcus have taken some notes from Nick.  You don't drop the L bomb on the first group date and every date thereafter.  You wait until the moment before the fantasy suite drop the L bomb and then you get to "talk" all night with Andi.  It's simple.  

Josh:
These poor Dominican kids are trying to get to the league.  They sacrifice everything, they play baseball with milk carton gloves and bottle caps.  The last thing they need is a career .213 hitter trying to give them tips on how to play, you are just making it worse.  Why would anyone think Josh is cock or insincere?  He seems like the perfect gentleman to me.  I mean did you not see how he treated Andi when they ended up in the pool at the end of the night, admiration at its purest.     

Chris:
Great quote from Chris "I just loved when we were in the tractor and you hopped in my lap and went to town."  I bet.  Not to mention the way she used that stick shift to change gears was amazing.  Chris needs to stop playing ghost in the graveyard or any other night game with Andi, she doesn't deserve it.  I mean she counted normal, we all know it goes on 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock rock and when you get to 12 you yell midnight, what a rookie.  Despite Chris being handsome, successful, nice, funny, sincere, sexy, thoughful, smart, wealthy and from a perfect family Andi decides not to disrespect him by taking him to the fantasy suite.  I don't know how to break this to you ladies but guys don't feel disrespected when you take them to a fantasy suite to have se....true love talks all night.  If you respected Chris you would have given him the fantasy suite and then sent him home.  Chris of course handled his departure perfectly therein sealing his fate as the next Bachelor.

Random Thoughts:
Could the two seaweed hearts in the ocean have been any cuter?
Why does Andi often have her mouth agape?
What, you can't wear a scarf in the D.R.?
Is it a little bizarre that if Josh wins he can marry Andi and they can then follow his brother Andy around.  If he yells out Andiy in a moment of passion will there ever be a question as to who he is referring to?

I can't wait for the finale, Andi is certain to find true love.  My money is on Josh but either way I'm sure it will restore and renew my belief in true and everlasting love. 

Immediate Opening For a Homemaker

But I Told You I Love You  A Lot Of Times

Hometown week is almost always one of the best weeks of the season.  This year's version was pretty good, but where was the crazy sibling or parent?  Without a Desiree's brother the week was a little lacking.

Nick:
Eleven kids, but not Mormon?  I am a bit confused.  I am shocked to see Nick wearing a scarf, we haven't seen many scarves this season.  So, Nick was engaged and the girl broke it off, have we thought of finding out why?  Nothing really of note, other than Nick still can't tell Andi he loves her (smart strategy IMO).

Chris:
This guy just sealed it, next Bachelor guaranteed.  Think about it.  There is a reason CBS comedies with ridiculous laugh tracks have such high ratings...middle America.  Think of the ratings for a farmer searching for a conservative young women to be the farmer's wife and to accept the job position of homemaker.  It's going to happen and I am going to love it.  Chris did have an amazing family, and who doesn't love his mom.  If you want to see real v. fake, look at Chris and his family playing a legitimate ghost in the graveyard versus the most lame/fake game of football that the Murrays played in their backyard.  It's an easy decision Andi, but one I don't think you will make.

(Anneli, I am hungry, did I mention that I have an immediate opening for a homemaker?  You are extremely qualified and you can start now.)

Josh:
So we learn that Josh M. is the brother of none other than Georgia quarterback Andy (not Andi) Murray.  Could Andi have been any more jealous that the talk was all about Andy's NFL potential instead of her quest for love?  Two things I knew would happen on this date A) We would end up at Josh's childhood baseball field (check) and B) We would end up watching a lame game of football with future pro quarterback Andy Murray (check).

Marcus:
So I'm sure Andi couldn't wait to meet the brother that Marcus hated and the mother that beat him.  This coupled with the fact that Marcus told Andi he was in love with her on the first group date and every date/hangout thereafter would indicate that he may have some issues.  Marcus decides to start the date off with a frontal blur, that is generally a good idea, but for some reason it didn't work here and he gets the axe.