Assault in the Fantasy Suite

"Deeeeefaaaaaaauuuuuullllllllttttttt"

And lookie what we have here, the Bachelor is returning to St. Lucia for the fantasy suites.  For you Bachelor historians like myself I'm sure you remember the last time the fantasy suites went to St. Lucia, this mistake happened:

Vienna I enjoyed sleeping with you in the F Suite Will You Marry Me?

First Serving Of Juan Pablo Goes to Clare:
Clare are you really going to try and sell us that you might not go to the F. Suite.  No one is buying it, we know you are going to swim him tonight.  Oh and what do you know she is accepting the offer to fantasy suite it up.  Clare's only mistake was not breaking out the Daddy DVD in the fantasy suite, she could have really ramped up the pressure on JP.  

Sloppy Seconds of Juan Pablo Goes to Andi:
A lot of lead-up to this one.  I gotta say I was hook line and sinker with the previews regarding Andi's fantasy suite debacle.  My imagination ran wild....did JP get a little handsy......did JP come clean about his affinity for a "vietnamese ocean swim"......did JP show Andi his (explicit warning) anteater....what could possibly have made Andi declare that she could not wait to get out of that fantasy suite.  And the answer is.....he didn't validate your feelings (r u serious?).  Someone needs to stand up for JP here and why not me.  Andi it is a "fantasy" suite, no guy has ever fantasized about validating feelings.  Andi I also am ESL and us Latinos never use the word default, you are lying.  Andi you are clearly trying out to be the next bachelorette, but I see right through it, you were getting dangerously close to getting picked and you decided to go the Ali route, bailout and see if you can get picked as the next Bachelorette (oh and what a coincidence Ali also bailed on St. Lucia).  Andi I do agree that name dropping is super lame and annoying, hold up Anneli can you pause the show I gotta take this call from Afeni Shakur so I can let her know I'll call her back when I get done sending this care package out to David Archuleta, like I was saying it is very important to be real and trying to act cool and impress chicks by letting everyone know that you have celebrity friends is immature.

I gotta finish this blog I got things to do

Another touch of ABC genius show Andi's video as she is walking up the driveway.  I did like the Andi v. JP argument.  No matter how many times Andi told him not to say the work OK he couldn't stop and finished it with an "ok ****, I can't stop saying it", seriously awesome.  It's all good we knew that Andi and JP were never going to be a match.  JP is an intellectual who likes worldly cultured ladies and Andi is a tramp who poses naked in the name of saving dogs.  

Sloppy Seconds of Juan Pablo (Andi obvi did not partake so it is not thirds) goes to Nikki:
Nikki, I gotta say, what a genius way to enter the date.  Who doesn't appreciate a nip slip to start a date.  The serious nature of the date continues as JP lets Nikki know that he wishes she was riding the horse without pants in a thong.  Okay maybe Andi was right.

Nikki don't go into the ocean with him he loves to swim, stop oh no she is in the ocean and here they go they are taking a swim, what is Camila going to think?

So we are down to the final two that we knew were going to compete for the true love of JP.  It is a tough call they both have swam in the ocean so maybe he should just go with the better swimmer. 

Hy Juan

Hi Ben, I am about to ruin your mom

 With back to back espisodes the life of a Bachelor Blogger is quite busy but let's try to get a quick hitter here on the hometown dates.  Hometown dates is generally one of my favorite weeks (second only to fantasy suite week).  I like it because you get to see why the girls are so crazy (Clare).

First Hometown - Juan Pablo shares his meat with Nikki
Nikki's hometown (K.C.) starts off with Nikki and JP sharing meat at a BBQ joint.  They then head to meet Nikki's family who is way too normal.  Hmmmmm, not much material here.  If only Nikki could just break down those walls and let JP knows that she loves him.  Nikki you can't win unless you break down those walls. 

Second Hometown - Andi holds Juan's pistol
Andi's hometown (Atlanta) starts off at a gun range where Andi shows us she really knows how to handle a weapon and could JP have sucked any worse at shooting.   They then head to the house and JP gets to say Hi to Hy.  Hy clearly isn't feeling JP and neither is the rest of the family other than Andi's mom trying to salsa dance with him. 

Third Hometown - Sharleen shows JP her mundo
Finally JP gets to see Sharleen's mundo, oh wait, what? she left the show? so who gets the hometown date? renee?  Well I guess we better meet Ben.  Hey Ben you seem great, now get lost Renee you are too old to find true love.

Fourth Hometown - Clare and her Latino Family?
Hold on, Clare is Latina?  I am beyond confused.  I am however, not surprised that Clare's family is crazytown.  Could anyone else figure out what was going on with Clare trying to talk to her mom who appears to be a mute, while her sister Laura hovers around them making sure that mom doesn't say a word?  Finally, Laura goes inside and suddenly not only is mama not a mute but she is spewing espanol.  This is really bizarre she is now asking JP in Spanish about the weather in Venezuela.  

Rose Ceremony:
Nice dress Clare, a rose for you.  And goodbye, Renee.  Honestly, Renee deserved better she was clearly the nicest girl left on the show, but the last thing JP wants to be is a Dad so Renee had to go. 

Juan No Tiene Suficiente Inteligencia Para El Mundo

Finally we get the first girl to self-destruct and send herself home and there goes JP's mundo.   So, contestants leaving the show is nothing new, but leaving the show because of the IQ of the bachelor/ette, now that must be a first.   Sharleen, may I offer some advice: Never pick a spouse based on intelligence, the checklist is more like: Looks, Massage Ability, Measurements and Cooking Ability.  

One on One: Sharleen and Juan "estupido" Pablo
The first one on one consisted of JP and Sharleen floating around a Miami marina while awkwardly making out.  Bachelor producers would than cut to Sharleen talking about how hot Juan Pablo is and how they have such great chemistry but there is something missing from an intellectual stand point.  Ultimately Sharleen decides to blow herself up and JP lauds her honesty.  One problem JP, she wasn't being honest.  If she was being honest the convo would have went like this:

JP: Oh you are so elegant you have mundo
Shar: You are an idiot, but cute
JP: I love your honesty
Shar: If you weren't so estupido I would marry you
JP: (In a high pitch) hmmmmm ohhhhhhhhhhhh hmmmmmmmmmm

One on One: Nikki meet my baby mama Carla so you will know that you will never measure up
So Nikki gets to go to Camila's recital to meet the family and Camila (bet she wished she would have worn a bra).   They get to the recital and we get to meet the family including Camila's mommy.  You could tell Nikki was quite insecure as later in the date she asked JP "So you have Camila and the family and ummm umm Carla so how do I fit into that".  Nikki I am with you girl I am very confused:
1. JP and Carla seem to get along great
2. JP and Carla seem to really love their daughter Camila
3. Carla looks like this: 

4. Nikki looks like this?

As JP would say hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 

Group Date: Clare Finally Loses It
For the group date the girls go to the beach and have a picnic.  Chelsea acts a  spaz as usual with her letters from home.  Renee gets no time.  And then there is good ole Clare.  Clare let me guess, you want a man who is just like your dead father.  Has anyone else noticed Clare's conversational mannerisms, you have to pay attention to this 1) Purse your lips; 2) Take a moment of silence and 3) Blurt out a 12 minute diatribe on the type of man you want and how this relates to your late father.   How many duck face selfies must Clare's instagram hold, I can only imagine.

At the end of the group date Juan Pablo picks Andi to continue the date with him and the other girls are sent back to hang with Nikki.  Finally the stress of banging Juan Pablo is too much for Clare to handle and she bubbles over with a bunch of F bombs.  I'm sure Camila will love that.   Upon returning to the hotel Nikki gets annoyed with the group and heads back to her room (errrr the hotel owner's room),  Clare decides to follow her into the hotel owner's room to have a little chat about why Nikki is such a b****.  Nikki excuses Clare from her room to which Clare cleverly replies that it is not Nikki's room but rather an open space since Nikki did not pay for it......uh burn, clearly Nikki has no response to this incredibly sound argument and just gives Clare the silent treatment.

Rose Ceremony:
And another shocker, bye bye Chelsea.

Next week is off to hometown dates and what appears to be a potential assault by JP on Andi in the fantasy suite?  Can't Wait!
   

 

The Girls Go Down Under

Who Says I Kiss Weird?

 So the show traveled down under this week, although apparently JP and Clare wanted a preview of down under last week.   The majority of this week's episode was a mix of making out and the use of the word "like".  Were we in New Zealand or the San Fernando Valley like it was like so like beautiful in New Zealand and like Juan Pablo is like such a like great guy and like all I want is like my happy ending.  Next week I will be taking a shot of Dr. Pepper for every time the girls use the word like and every time Juan Pable makes his hmmmmm sound.  

One on One Date: A One Piece and an Explosion of Love
Andi finally got her one on one date which consisted of lots of metaphors for volcanoes and geysers.  So Andi decided to go "modest with the one-piece, however a couple of problems 1) It was a borderline T-Back with it up her butt; and 2) There was an ample amount of side-boob, but hey I'm not complaining I personally love fake modesty over real modesty any day.

Andy also let us know that it was a perfect metaphor when the geyser went off as it is similar to Juan Pablo's ....... (cover your ears minors) love, phew I thought you might be going somewhere else with it.

Group Date: Crap Throwing and Big Balls
The group date seemed to be a real blast as the girls got into bikinis and chased sheep while Juan Pablo threw crap at them.   Of course the only girl that rolled with it was Renee.   The group then went and hopped in huge inflatable balls and rolled down the hill, I can't hate, it looked pretty dang fun.

They then went to hobbitville for a nightcap where JP finally sent Tre packing.  Let's be honest if Cassandra's kid's name was John or Jacob or Daniel she would still be there, but there was no way JP was going to have a home with Tre and Camila under the same roof.   JP did what he thought was the honorable thing by sending Cassandra home immediately so she wouldn't have to be another day without Tre.  Why do I get the feeling that Cassandra was bummed that she got shafted out of two more days in New Zealand only to have to go home to her 1 bedroom apartment in 8 Mile.

All of the other girls except Kat and Chelsie got to makeout with JP and despite another awkward makeout session Mundo Sharleen got the rose again, this girl is amazing but I feel like she could go suicide bomb and blow herself up at any moment.

One one One: A Kinda Apology and Round 2 Of Taking A Swim
So JP takes Clare on a one on one so they can have the talk about her coercing him into the crazy Vietnamese Sea where they conceived what likely will be some sort of Merman superhero.  Clare let's us know that she is waiting for JP to apologize before she can move on.  JP explains to her, without ever using the word sorry or apologize, that he made a mistake in being so easily coerced by Clare's excitement to "take a swim" with him and that it was four in the morning and he did it so she wouldn't feel bad.  Apology Accepted!  JP that was a jonobeingjono apology if I have ever seen one (you know that apology "I didn't do anything wrong but I am sorry that you feel bad without actually using the word sorry or apology").  How come my wife doesn't go for that apology but Clare does?  Well leave it to the Bachelor to expose what is wrong with all of our relationships.

After JP's apology Clare is ready to get back to the suite for round 2.  Was anyone else hoping that when JP asked her to go change into something comfortable that she would come out in lingerie so that he could chastise her again for being a slore in front of Camila?   Clare came out in sweats and a tank-top and gave JP a 17 minute diatribe on what kind of man she is looking for filled with 43 likes and next thing you know they are "taking a swim" again.

Cocktail Party:
Who Pablo makes out with Nikki so she is safe.
Renee was not sent home with Cassandra so she is safe.
That leaves Kat and Chelsea and they both know it.  Chelsie decides to go with a talk really fast and drop a lot of likes into the conversation strategy to keep her there.  Meanwhile, Kat goes with the my dad was a drunk card and that's why I take things slow card strategy.  Only problem Kat is you already pulled this card a couple of weeks ago, you went to the drunk daddy well too many times and it got you bounced.

           

I Just Got Back From An Ocean Swim

"I Just Wanted To Take a Swim"

Finally, some real drama.  I've always said that the Bachelor doesn't officially start until someone potentially gets pregnant.  This week Clare joined the likes of past winners Vienna and Courtney when she decided to flip the script and give Juan her rose.

First One on One: Renee Finally Gets Some
I was happy to see Renee, who is clearly the nicest girl on the show, finally get some culo (you may or may not want to look this up).  Before I continue, can we address the big hangup this year with hooking up...kids.  JP has been holding out on giving Renee some love because of her son Ben.  Is Ben really at home just having some popcorn watching his new dad hook up with 20 chicks?  And why didn't JP  have the some concerns about poor Tre....Tre certainly didn't slow him down when he had a chance to sleepover with Cassandra.  And how does JP go from last week not wanting to kiss a girl on the group date because of Camila to banging Clare this week in the ocean, I am very confused.  The last thing I need is kids getting in the way of quality entertainment....and true love.          

Second One On One: Clare and Juan Pablo float down a river and "take a swim in the ocean"
For some reason the second one on one date had a bunch of other girls hanging out by themselves in the vicinity of JP and Clare, weird.   This certainly didn't stop JP from spending plenty of time chupando la pina with Clare.  The date ended, uh but what is this, oh no Clare is going to JP's room to invite him to "take a swim in the ocean".  Am I the only one that didn't know the true meaning of "taking a swim in the ocean"?  If I had known I would be headed to the beach daily. 

JP's one on one with Clare also sends Andi into a self esteem tailspin.  Andi you do know that you are a good looking attorney who used to have a job with the DA (until you got naked in the name of dogs) and that you are acting like a 14 year old girl because of a man named Who Pablo?  Get it together.   

Third One On One: Nicky and Juan Pablo Fall In Love.....heyyyyyyyyo
Nicky and Juan Pablo go on a date to Hell Cave which is exactly what I would call having to spend 7 minutes with Nicky.  For a summary on how Nicky reacts to rappelling please see my blog from 3 weeks ago when Chelsea had to jump off a bridge, identical reaction.   For some reason JP seems to like Nicky.  Let's see 1) Hot = No; 2) Fun = No 3) Horrible Dresser = Yes; 4) Get's Along Well With Others = No sounds like a perfect wife.

Cocktail Party: Let the Fun Begin
So Clare decides to give a little toast to Looking for Love, Finding Love and Making Love, oh no you didn't Clare.   This little speech leads JP to give her a little speech about how much he regretted taking her rose and how bad of an example Clare is to his daughter.  Nothing makes a girl feel more special than coaxing a guy out of his room to "take a swim in the ocean" only to have the guy later tell her that he really regrets "swimming in the ocean" and that the girl is a horrible example to his daughter regarding the effects of "swimming in the ocean".

Nothing can trigger an allergic reaction quicker than the shame of coercing a guy to swim in the ocean.

BTW I am really starting to like Cassandra.  I loved when Clare came back after taking her allergy medication and Cassandra announced "awkward", nice work Cass.   

JP announces that he is shockingly going to send 3 girls home.  I wonder who it is going to be I just can't figure it out, oh wait there are still 3 girls he has yet to say a word to namely Danielle, Kelly and Alli oh whattaya know those are the 3 sent packing, I can't believe it.    

I can't wait to find out next week if Camila has a sibling.