My Blog Is So Tragic!

I Love My Story

Finally the show went international this week as the crew traveled to New Mexico.  This is why I love TV, there is always so much to learn, here I am thinking New Mexico was a landlocked State pertaining to the United States of America when in fact it is just a better more newer version of Mexico surrounded by palm trees and beaches.  Luckily the Bachelor lets us live vicariously through them as I'm sure I'll never get the chance to surf Albuquerque Beach or snorkel in the Santa Fe Lagoon.  Maybe if Megan ends up with Chris she'll get to ski the beautiful slopes of Des Moines Mountain or go on a trip to Boston to see Buckingham Palace and the Queen of New England.

One On One - Carly and the Sex Guru
So Carly and Chris got to visit a "love" guru.  I've gotta be straight, the love guru really knows her stuff.  I agree with her, there is no way to know if you have a suitable mate until you find out if she can do this:

And I Quote "Chris you are going to come around the hips and into her thighs"

I guess I know where I am going on my anniversary this year, Santa Fe is amazing.

Oh and Carly, let me give you some quick advice.  It appears you have never watched any of the previous seasons.  When you are given the opportunity to remove your clothing, it does not matter how awkward you feel, your morals do not matter, you just do it.....if you have any questions in this regard just call Andi.

Poor Carly feels sad that her last boyfriend was either repulsed by her or gay.   But Carly don't be so hard on yourself, girls should get their self esteem from boys, that is normal and very healthy.  If I don't find you hot, you should hate yourself.

Group Date: River Rafting and the Hypothermic Butt
So the girls get a tutorial on how they could die on this intense river and then they proceed to through a raft into the lake, was the lake even moving?  Despite the raft barely moving, Jade managed to get thrown from the raft.  Notice, that Chris did not jump in after her, what a jerk.

Not surprisingly Jade got hypothermia which required therapy from Chris.  I though Mackenzie was weird all season but her butt cold comment was genius, she is stealing potential material from me.

After the swim in the lake they head back to the lodge and who is this girl waiting for Chris?  Jordan?  Wow, she looks way better sober.  She is actually kinda cute.  We learn that Jordan has come back because it was destiny that she marry Chris and they never got a real chance.  Nothing messes up destiny like Jim Beam and Johnny Walker.   Jordan, I want to take you serious, but I read your bio before the season started:
 Q: If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do?
A: Give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.

On second thought why is she not still in the competition?  Her answer is so profound.

Jordan's return unfortunately sent the group date in a downward spiral of analysis about the ethics of Jordan returning and how one should appropriately feel when a discarded woman returns.  It's an age old question and I thought the girls did a wonderful job of breaking it down, analyzing it and giving some real heartfelt thoughts and opinions on this important subject.

I have an idea for the next rose ceremony.  If you don't get a rose, just refuse to leave, Chris won't have the heart to send you packing immediately and maybe you can score another free trip to the next destination before you get told to leave again.  

One On One: Hot Air Balloon and Dirty Socks
Finally Britt gets some more time with Chris.  And we now learn that Britt has yet to shower since the show started.  We also learn that Britt likes to wear gnarly dirty socks on her dates.  Yet despite being disgusting, she wears makeup to bed and looks perfect when woken at 4:00 a.m.  This seems like a bit of a paradox to me, why is she so obsessed with makeup and how she looks but not cleanliness?  Which leads to the next paradox, crying one day about fear of heights while excitedly hopping aboard a hot air balloon?  Or telling the girls you don't want kids then telling Chris you want 100?

I for one am going to cut her a break she seems to have a real sweet spirit about her, she wears chucks, and who doesn't like a girl who can take a two hour nap.

One on One: Amazingly Tragic and Sanderson Poe
Despite not getting invited, upon hearing about Chris and Britt's nap Kelsey decides it is time to tell her story and goes straight to Chris' room.

We learn that poor Sanderson Poe died of something, we're not sure what it is called maybe congenital disease or something like that, but don't be sad her story is amazing, we love that story.  In fact I am nearly positive that 10 years from now we will be hearing some podcast detailing the way in which Sanderson Poe was poisoned.  

Boy oh boy was Ashley right, Kelsey's story was a game changer in fact it went straight from my husband died a year ago from some genital heart disease to making out......creepy.

Kelsey returns to the fold and is now super confident that she is getting a rose.  Meanwhile, Chris looks like he just saw an alien and calls off the cocktail party.  This sends Kelsey into a literal panic and we get a ........to be continued.  What????  I refuse to not have a rose ceremony.  Harrison better not have got paid for this episode.

So what did Kelsey tell Chris?  I have a theory and it goes something like this (allegedly):  Chris if you don't give me a rose and start our love story right now I have a feeling you might get congenital heart syndrome and end up just like old Sanderson Poe.

We'll see, but my guess is Kelsey sends herself home, sparing Ashley another week to really try and humiliate herself.  











         

I Will Miss You Black Box

Welcome to the picture issue, trying something new this week.

Oh, Julian, it is sad to see you go.  I mean your one on one date went so well, I don't know what happened.  I personally love going out to eat and answering important hypotheticals such as would you rather sleep with a ratchet homeless chick or abstain for 5 years?  Talk about an impossible scenario, is there not a third option?  Well he made out with you Julian, so it is probably a good thing that your hypothetical didn't involve sleeping with a man.  In honor of your departure I thought we would pay homage:

My butt is hungry and it is eating my swimsuit

Should you really have an ipad that close to the pool?

Shorts?

Frontal?

Nice to Meet You Chris' Family

I don't blame Chris for getting rid of her, who really wants to marry a girl with an ipad permanently attached to her butt?  I do have to ask was the black box really necessary all the time, what is she hiding?  Could it be that Julian is a man?  If so I imagine Chris will someday regret this:

Do I feel something on my leg?

 I'm not too worried about the loss of Julian, so long as we have Kaitlyn:

Thanks For Lending Me Your Box, Julian

I loved Kaitlyn's reaction upon learning that not only was Ashley I a virgin, but also Becca.  It was like she saw Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman at the same time.

While we are on the subject of Virgins:

My Mouth Aint a Virgin

Ashley I is my favorite virgin of all time.  Let's be real 1) Topless; 2) Buddha Belly Button Ring; 3) Looks up to the Kardashians; 4) Aggressive maker outer.  C'mon Ashley, I'm not buying it, and apparently neither is Chris, did you see the look of shock when you told him?

Speaking of shocked, why was Ashley S let go?  She seemed so normal and down to earth:

These Bitches Are Dead To Me

I Love You

Anybody Seen My Medication?

Speaking of creepy, how about the camera man offering to help Kelsey when a bee stung her vijayjay:

Could I rub some ointment on that?

What is more aggravating Kelsey's laugh or Whitney's voice?
 

I didn't get the Cinderalla Date? What?  But I am the favorite?

Wow, Chris is a real great communicator.
Britt: So Chris are you validating slutty behavior by giving Kaitlyn a rose?
Chris: Umm, eehh, Kaitlyn, errr, uhh, noooorrr, eeyyyy, sooo, well, uhhh, I'm out of here I'm a man.
I must admit I can't quite figure out Jade.  She seemed like such a sweet girl on the Cinderella date (BTW, it was so interesting that ABC did a whole Cinderella re-enactment, is there a Cinderella movie coming out or something?  Stay Tuned.).

Ahh, I'm Jade a sweet young girl from Nebraska

I'm Jade just another Nebraskan Hoe (farming reference) who move to L.A. and owns a pair of stripper hills.

Finally, next week we get to leave the mansion.  We all know it is hard to find true love while living in a mansion and going on local dates.  To find true love you need to travel the world and go on international dates so it should be exceptional.

My power rankings:
1. Britt
2. Jade
3. Whitney

My Fantasy Team:
1. Kelsey
2. Ashley S

Another AMAZING episode!

Boy Codycode Did a Number on You

Random Thoughts:
1. Did ABC get Ahsley S some medication STAT or what?  In one day she went from being a raving lunatic gunning girls down while screaming “Mesa Verde” to practically not even being on the show. 2. Ashley I is not a virgin.   If your role model is a Kardashian you are not a virgin.  If you though Kim K broke the internet, wait until Ashley I loses her flour (farm reference) to Chris.

J    3. Jimmy Kimmel > Chris Harrison.  It hurts me to say as I personally consider Harrison an icon, I mean he does head up the Mt. Rushmore of hosts (Harrison, Seacrest, Daly, and Lodge) but Kimmel was amazing. 

          4.  My favorite Kimmel joke from the episode “Don’t be yourself, be someone who gives better speeches”

One on One Date: Kaitlyn at Costco

So I may have to stop watching next week’s previews.  The clue about an exclusive club with raised ceilings would have been much funnier had I not known they were already going to Costco.  My only concern with the previews is that if I stop watching and then rewatching in slow motion I might not know if next week will be the most dramatic week yet. 

I loved Kaitlyn’s outfit, I grew up in the 90’s and when she tied that flannel around her waist I could have sworn it was 1994 and I was at a Candlebox concert.  Mixing it with a maxi and it was like the best of 1994 meets the best of 2014, amazing.  

So Kaitlyn is def trying too hard to be the “cool chick”.  Yea I love meat.  Whiskey, duhhh, of course.  Bang 3 chicks on successive nights on the same bed....sure you have to test drive the car, right.  

And did anyone else think she was lying when she said she had dated farmers before.  Maybe it is my keenly trained lawyer eye but she really got flustered when they asked her what kind of farm.  Ummm, you know, ummm the real kind, milking cows and stuff.  

Group Date: The Blurred Out Farm Olympics

Bachelor historians unite.  Has there ever been a contestant get as much bottom blur as Jillian?  Maybe Lucy, but she seemed to have more upper blur and Jillian has yet to wear anything, swimsuit or regular outfit, which does not require a blur of her nether-regions.   

I thought Kimmel did a great job organizing this event.  Is there any better indicator of a future successful marriage than the girl's ability to milk a goat?  A lot of important qualities there.   And Amber I probably better not repeat your comment about things you don't like in your mouth but it is a good thing Chris didn't hear it or you would not have made it to the rose ceremony, immediate disqualification.   

In the end Carly went beast mode and beat out Julian (misspelling on purpose) despite being lactose intolerant, and what does she win......a dress up with Chris to take some American Gothic pics?

The nightcap found Chris making out with each and every one of the girls and Mackenzie asking him why, which was super awkward but actually pretty funny and a decent enough question.  

One on One: Whitney and Chris Get Invited to a Wedding

Oh they weren't invited?  They crashed the wedding?  Ummm okay.  Question 1: That didn't look like iphone footage.  Question 2: Why no blurs on anyone's face, I believe that requires a release.  Question 3:  Where did the fancy clothes come from if you were headed to a winery.  Question 4: You went from walking down to the wedding in broad daylight to in a limo at night being taken to a hotel, what happened in between?  Question 5: How did you know where the reception was?  Question 6: How were you mic'ed up?

Who am I to question.  Withney says she is spontaneous so I better just believe her.  I mean who can't tell she seems like a real wild child who likes to fly by the seat of her pants.

Whitney declared that Chris is an amazing dancer because he does incredible dance moves like the lawnmower, the sprinkler, the fishing pole etc...  Whitney, I hate to break it to you but those are the go to moves of those that can't dance.  Every white person knows this and has done one or all of those moves at some awkward point in their lives.  

Cocktail Party errrrrrr Pool Party errrrrr Baggage Party errrrr Take Chris Anywhere But the Pool Party:

Jimmy breaks the news that no cocktail party tonight, however there will be a pool party.  Ashley I  is devastated that she doesn't get to break out her Kardashian look, oh and what do you know Jillian is blurred again.  

Juelia sees the pool party as an amazing opportunity to let Chris know that her husband killed himself.  You know the natural sequence hey pool party....bikinis.....cocktails.......beach balls......chicken fights.......husband kills himself.......sobbing.......back to Jillian's blur.

This brings up an interesting discussion re: strategy.  When do you go to the well with the psycho family drama.  It clearly will you get a rose for that week, but if you go to early you have nothing else to use for future roses.  Obviously it probably depends on how hot you are and how much weird stuff you are wearing on your head.  Clearly when Juelia decided to break out the stuff she was wearing on her head she was not getting a rose so she was probably right to go with the suicide card, but she is in a real pickle now, because I don't know how she can top it.  Maybe go with....after the suicide I became addicted to meth......went to rehab......now know not to sweat the small things in life.....am really open to finding love.   

Uh oh Jade brought her stripper heels to the pool party and is taking Chris back to his place (did Chris spend anytime at the pool, during the pool party).  Big time make out back in the pad while Jillian patiently await in Chris' hot tub.  So I think Codycode maybe got Chris a little too bulky.  It appears without 6 hours of pumping iron a day combined with protein IV's that Chris' bulk is turning a little flabby.  When him and Jade were getting down I got a little excited as I swore I saw a boob.  I was so shocked that ABC would show such nudity that I had to rewind it only to learn that my excitement actually came from seeing Chris' nipple and large moob.  I've spent the entire day trying to sort out this confusion, but I think I may need therapy.  To make matters worse Chris proceeded to make out with Julian it is all getting very confusing. 

Megan admits she looks like a crackwhore.  Ashley I melts down.  Britt's convo doesn't go so great so she just starts making out mid-sentence (actually not a bad move).  

In the end Tracy, Amber and Trina get the boot, nothing to see there.  Harrison stalks Kimmel during the rose ceremony to make sure he doesn't mess it up which was kinda creepy.  Kimmel in the limo was spot on "we spent four days together", very entertaining.  See you next week when it appears that Ashley I will no longer be a virgin.     

Mesa Verde!!!!Virgins!!!!Rugs!!!!!

Didn't Kimberly not get a rose, why is she still here?  And does anyone else notice that it was light outside by the time the rose ceremony was over.  What is Chris doing, giving one rose every 45 minutes. Kimberly begs to stay and Chris replies with ahhhh we've been here all night, you can stay, I'll just get rid of you at the end of this episode.  Why be humiliated once when you could do it twice?

Jordan is still drinking.

Group date involved girls in bikinis on tractors.  Have these girls never seen Seinfeld:
Apparently not, or they would not have been so gung ho to hop on a tractor while in a bikini.

Jordan is still drinking.

Mackenzie (mom of Romaine) gets one on one time with Chris and spends it asking him about his huge nose and belief in aliens.  At least it wasn't awkward. 

Juelia's ex-husband killed himself.

Meanwhile, back at the house Jillian decides to break-in to Farmer's residence which is now on the premises of the bachelor mansion.  Jillian apparently decided to vandalize Chris' place in a thong as she got the unfortunate black block blur to cover her booty.  And on the way out, what do we have here, a black block blur to cover the coochie as well.  What kind of bikini bottom was she wearing?  Was she bottomless?  If so, this seems to be an interesting trend, topless was so 2000, it's 2015 wear a top sans bottom.  

UNDER 18 PLEASE SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH
Ashley I is a virgin and Mackenzie could not be more jealous.  Mackenzie lost her virginity to Cabbage and it produced a Kale.  Wow, look at Ashley I make out with Chris, not exactly timid oh and rub my bellybutton ring for three wishes!  It seems if she is a virgin it is clearly the Utah kind, you know the ones, lots of o*#@, a*#@!, h@*^ j***, docking, brick ovening, etc.., but still a virgin.

Jordan is still drinking.

Megan and Chris go on a one-on-one to the Grand Canyon where she lets him know her dad died and so they should make out, which they do.

Jordan is still drinking.

Let's get to the last group date a zombie action adventure where the girls are told to shoot the zombies and find the beacon.  So the girls head out, start shootin and Ashley S pretty much loses her mind she starts firing on zombies that are already down and nearly shoots the other girls and as she is doing this she continually shouts the war cry "Mesa Verde"??????  Am I missing something?  Mesa Verde = A National Park in Colorado.  Considering that they drove to this date from Malibu, something tells me they aren't in Colorado.  Perhaps this is a pop culture reference I am unaware of, otherwise Ashley S has seriously lost her mind.  Not surprisingly she ends up getting a rose.

After the cocktail party I think Chris has now made out with Ashley I, Britt, Whitney, Amber, Megan, Kaitlyn.  He if it fields good do it (farm reference). 

The rose ceremony is one of the best of all time.  Chris mumbles Juelia and Jillian thinks it is her and jumps out of the gates, one problem, the rug is pulled out from under her (literally) when Chris tells her he said Juelia.  Between Tara nearly passing out last week and Jillian falling down this week the rose ceremonies have been quite entertaining.     

Alissa (flight attendant), Tara, Kimberly (second time), Drunk Jordan are told to beet it (farm reference). 

  

Find a Soulesmate at farmersonly.com

You Want True Love You Gotta Beef Up Son

So, I've been told that if you want someone to pay attention to you, you have to ignore them to make them really want it.  Hence, I have not been blogging for two weeks....tying to build a little anticipation, I hope I don't disappoint.

Why has the Bachelor never done a red carpet/3 hour premiere?  I thought it was amazing and I could have watched for another 2 hours, easy.

It is great to see that Andi and Josh are happily in love and ready to get married and have babies.  Wait, they broke up the next day?  Noooooooo.  How?  What guy wouldn't want a girl constantly talking over you?  Who wouldn't want a girl that slept with a dude the day before she chose you?  Consider me baffled.

Oh and Nikki is back, could Harrison be chomping more at the bit?  Harrison could barely contain himself and the opportunity to officially destroy Who Pablo.
Harrison: So Nikki did it just suck being with a loser who would not say on national TV that he loved you, even when I insisted that he do so? 
Nikki: No, he is a great guy, we were just different.
Harrison: Oh, I see, so he physically abused you right?
Nikki: No, we were just different.
Harrison: I get it, I get it, he is a cokesnorting sex addict.

Hey Nik, you look a little different.....I approve of the two changes.

I was shocked to see Chris Bukowski in every shot on the red carpet.  No one saw that coming, but where was Elise?

Finally onto the main event, Chris Soules the farmer is finally here.  Oh and he put in some time with Codycode and is lookin fiiiiiiiiiiine (sidebar: how did Money and Codycode not work out?, they seemed like a perfect match).

I for one will never get tired of the farm references, puns and play-on-words it is clever, intelligent, comedy gold.  On that note lets go straight to:

Kaitlyn: You can plow the *&#* out of my field anytime, followed by her insisting on telling a joke about a tight seal, immediately after Chris telling the ladies how serious he is taking this process.  Not to mention she has tats on each elbow.  Ding, ding, ding we have a winner. 

Britt: This girl is hot, why exactly is she on Hollywood Blvd. giving out free hugs?  I did like the idea of giving  free hug coupon to Chris, I give out coupons as gifts all the time and my lady loves it.

Whitney: A fertility nurse whose voice would keep anyone from getting pregnant.   For real that voice is painful.

Ashley I:  Good looking girl, but no way she is moving from Jersey to a farm in Iowa.  

Tara and Jordan: Could someone please get these ladies a drink they seem like they need to loosen up.  These two are definitely here to find true love......or free drinks.

Mackenzie: Has a son named Kale.  Hey this could work, she named her son after produce, what farmer wouldn't appreciate that.  I personally would have went with Arugula.

Tandra: From Utah and named Tandra, go figure.

Michelle: From Utah and cousin of my sister-in-law, got eliminated.  Too bad, I would have really liked an insider for the blog.  Michell, I still would like an interview for the blog, let me know when you want to do it.

Shockingly the two drunks got roses, but my early favorites to take home the bacon (farm reference) are Kelsey, Britt and Megan.   Whatever happens this season promises to be epic as these wonderful ladies try to navigate this maize (farm reference) on their journey to find true love.  

How Do You Expect Me To Buy The Car Without A Test Drive

"Juan Pablo really said that he likes effing Clare, what a pig?"

So, I wonder what I should talk about in this week's blog.  But before we get to the main event (aka "why did you do me gate") let's hit a few of the high and low lights of the final episode.

The episode started with Andi's dad Hy showing some serious thigh.

Nick is super nervous and I was shocked to see him speaking without opening his mouth and looking down everytime he speaks, he never does that, he must have been real nervous.

Josh (and his perfect brows) then show up to meet the fam sans buttons on his shirt.  He starts speaking very rapidly and left me feeling on edge, I can't imagine how Andi's poor mom felt.

Andi then moves on to the last one one one date with @jmurbulldog (yes that is really Josh's twitter handle).  For much of the date her hand is around J Mur's crotch and at one point she exclaims "we've come a lonnnnggggg way".  Now that we know Andi is a slore I think we all know what she meant by that comment.  Josh surprisingly worked in a baseball themed present by giving Andi a baseball card, which I want to make fun of but I must admit it was totes adorbs.

The final one on one date goes to Nick and poor Nick thinks he has this thing on lock because he got in Andi's pants and backless shirt.  This is the way Nick saw the season going 1) Be a dick to the guys; 2) Wear a scarf; 3) Look down a lot; 4) Wear another scarf; 5) Mumble mumble; 6) Farmer's market; 7) Act stalkerish; 8) Bang Andi; 9) Giver he some sand; 10) Get final rose; 11) Propose while looking down and not opening mouth while speaking.  To his credit he got to number 9.

Allow me to make a quick suggestion to ABC (I know your peeps read this blog).  I am growing tired of sending the final contestant home out of an abundance of respect.  We miss two limos showing up and letting the person ramble about how much they love the bachelor/ette only to have their hopes and dreams destroyed on national TV.  I mean, C'mon Andi you just slept with two dudes in a 24 hour span and now you insist on showing some class and giving Nick some respect? At whose expense?  The only ones that suffer from you giving him respect are us.  Can you imagine the Nick meltdown if that happened at the altar, TV gold.

Nick probably never wanted to see a middle aged rich dude as bad as when Andi showed up at his door instead of Neil Lane.  Speaking of Neil Lane, after getting shafted on Juan Pablo's season it looks like he is back in a big way, insisting that his name be inscribed on the box as J Mur popped the question.  

Finally the altar scene, where the true love can finally blossom and flow.  Good old Josh manages to speak even faster than usual he gets in some baseball analogies and a lot of cliches.  As Andi doesn't respond he steps up the speed of his talking and his hair starts to lose form as the sweat starts dripping and finally Andi lets him know that she has loved him from the second he got out of the limo on night one (that's not very shallow). Josh is so pumped that he puts her in a headlock as they engage in some awkward/violent kiss pecking.

Alright enough of the finale, let's get to the main event: After the Final Rose.  Finally after multiple attempts at speaking to Andi, Nick gets his chance at redemption and he did not disappoint.  We finally have someone calling out the bachelor/ette for having relations with them.  Wait a second didn't Clare say that Juan Pablo told her he loved f'ing her, I digress.   So Arie yells at Emily as she gives him the boot, but you just slept with me, oh wait I digress again.

Nick is super sad and hits below the belt (no pun intended) by putting Andi on blast for making love to him and doing fiance things in the fantasy suite with him.  Is anyone else interested in more details of what are "fiance things"?  All I know is is sounds like I need to get engaged again, "fiance things" sounds great.  Nick is clearly a bag, but I don't exactly feel heartbroken for Andi.  If you don't want to look like a slore than don't do slorish things.  BTW if you wanted to get Nick back, the better response would have been, yeah I did make love to you and that's why a picked Josh...zing!

And Josh, really?  I mean really? You have nothing to say on this subject.   You do know that Nick went to the fantasy suite first, right?  About 18 hours before you.  Think about that one for a second.  I guess you got scoreboard though, so its all good.   I get the feeling that Josh couldn't be more pumped to be getting all of this attention, finally out from the shadow of his little brother.

I guess everyone can't be Sean and Catherine.  I am predicting it will be weeks rather than months before Andi and Josh are living here in the City of Angels, but I ain't hating, Andi you are welcome to join NPN law at any time, we may even match that DA salary of $42,500 you were raking in Georgia.
For those of you concerned that the season is over and no blog for awhile, don't forget Bachelor in Paradise begins August 4.  Trust me, there will be plenty of material to blog about from that show.

Andi, if you cared about me this would not have happened /s/ Nick