This Blog Will Make Your Pits Sweat

Can't Touch This

What better place to contemplate your future in Arlington, Iowa than Bali.  

Does the fantasy suite come out of Harrison's salary?  Why does Harrison right in bubble letters? Why does the fantasy suite have sheer drapes? Are monkeys just glorified rats?

One On One: Kaitlyn

Forget Neil Lane, I think the Bachelor needs to sign a product placement deal with Axe.  Chris' pits have been on serious display this season, and on his date with Kaitlyn the pits, back, shoulders and chest made a sweaty appearance.  As if the sweat wasn't enough of an aphrodisiac they proceeded to allow a bunch of monkeys to defecate all over him.   Sweaty Pits + Monkey Urine + Feces......must be time for the fantasy suite.  

Kaitlyn lets Chris know she is falling in love and Chris goes ahead and tells her he is also falling in love.  Hey, whatever it takes, to get some fantasy time before you send her packing, I'm not hating.  

P.S. Nice shorts Kaitlyn, even Jillian was jealous of those.   

One on One: Whitney

Chris and Whitney are on a boat.   It must have been a wild night with Kaitlyn because Chris could not seem more disinterested.  Did Chris say a single word on the boat?  It was nothing but Whitney talking non-stop about her sister, her job, her love for Chris etc.. etc.. and Chris looks really bored.   The only person interested in this date is the boat conductor.      

Back at dinner Chris starts to talk Whitney out of Arlington, letting her know, there is absolutely nothing to do there.  On the bright side if Whitney wants to keep her job in Chicago she could leave every morning at 3:30 to get to work by 8.  Despite Chris telling her how much she will hate it, Whitney fights through and tells him she is cool with being a mom.  With that behind them it's fantasy suite time and what better way to get some privacy than shutting a see through drape.  

One on One: Becca

Is Becca wearing umbros?  So it is fantasy suite week and Becca is a virgin, I wonder what they are going to talk about?

It was nice to see a glimpse of how profound Chris and Becca can be: 

Becca: "Going to Arlington was a big deal because I got out of the car and it was like this is real small and I remember sharing that with you and you were like...it is small."  Fascinating.

Meanwhile, Chris gets Becca back to the fantasy suite.  I was waiting for a pickup line, something along the lines of Arlington may be small, but if you get a little closer I'll show you something big.   But before Chris could make his move Becca let him know she had something to share with him. You could see Chris immediately scan the room for a laptop, or for Sanderson Poe, he's been down this road before.

Becca breaks the news and Chris takes it like a champ.  His eyebrows start to twitch out and he responds with, and I quote: "I'm glad that you you know I it never easy to respond to that kind of stuff ummm but I respect that."  I'm sure Becca felt way better with that speech.

I think Becca approached the virgin issue way wrong.  A more proven approach when you are breaking the news regarding your virginity is to show him a genie bellybutton ring and have him rub it.

Chris and Becca spend the night and the big question is did he take the flower.  Based on her twitter account @beccatilley5 it appears that all Chris got was the sugar donut.  

Rose Ceremony:

Uh oh, Chris wants to talk to Becca prior to handing out the roses.  Whitney and Kaitlyn begin the gloating....oh Chris is such a great guy he wants to let her down soft........record scratch.......he is bringing her back to the rose ceremony....uh oh.  Whitney gets a rose, no surprise there.

It is Becca v. Kaitlyn.  Who would fit better in Iowa?  The Virgin blue baller or the Nose-ring tatted out rap-star. The second Kaitlyn got the nose ring and elbow tats she lost her chance at true love with a farmer.  I did cry though when she put her head on his chest and cried by the van.  For real.  

But props to Kaitlyn she didn't let the devastation get in the way of safety, she was real intent on getting that seat-belt on.   

Can't wait for "The Women Tell Some" next week.  Here's a preview: Crazy: 1) Kelsey, 2) Ashley S. Fake: 1) Britt, 2) Kelsey.  Hurt/Sad: 1) Kaitlyn, 2) Carly.  Misunderstood/Editing Victim: 1) Jade, 2) Jordan, 3) Tara, 4) Ashley I. 

P.P.S. I think Becca's going to win.

How Has This Not Happened To Me On a Date?

Chris....Will You Accept My Rose?

I debated not recapping the majority of the episode and just getting straight to Jade.  But here goes.

One On One: Becca
Becca also gets a one on one and heads back to Chris' loft.  Becca lets Chris know she has never loved anyone.  Yeah Becca, we already know that, you're a virgin.  My bigger question with Becca is whether she is hot or not?  Sometimes, looks pretty, other angles kinda weird, not sure what to think other than it would be hard to find true love with someone who is not beautiful at all angles and at all times, even while sleeping.

Speaking of sleeping with makeup, the real important part of Becca's date is happening back at the hotel with some serious Britt drama.  The non makeupwearingwhilesleeping girls are talking smack about the makeupwearingwhilesleeping girl.  Britt comes in interrupting the mean girls session and lets them know she is all packed up and heading home.  I mean why wouldn't she?  She was on a group date and someone else got the rose, isn't that what all girls do on the group dates?

Harrison shows up and lets the girls know, there will be no cocktail party.  Do farmers not believe in cocktail parties?

Rose Ceremony 1: 
Prior to Chris handing out any roses Britt asks to talk, presumably to let him know she is leaving. Wait, why is she apologizing and asking what he thinks, I guess she is not headed home.  Britt you should know by now, when things start going bad go in for the makeout it works every time, and now look you are gone.  I'm with Carly and the girls, it is so gratifying to see beautiful people get hurt.

If you are hot I would not cross the street in front of Carly, she let a little Kelsey out when Britt got eliminated.

Carly also gets eliminated and asks why can't someone just want her.  Umm, because you are an insecure, busybody prude who is not as hot as Britt.

Becca Hometown Date:
Becca's family pretty much let's Chris know that Becca is extremely cold and that if he likes intimacy he probably shouldn't count on getting it from Becca.  In fact Becca's sister lets us know that the most excitement Chris will get by going to the fantasy suite with Becca is a sugar donut.  Is the sugar donut some type of new technique I am not aware of?  If not, Chris better get rid of Becca ASAP.

Whitney Hometown Date:
Could Whitney and The Bachelor make my jokes any easier?   Whitney takes Chris to her fertility clinic and lets him know that before she can get more serious she will need a specimen, she leads him into the specimen making room (in this day and age why are homes not built with specimen rooms? Do we really use formal dining rooms anymore?  But a specimen room seems like it could really increase resale value of your home..food for thought).  Back to the date.  Chris enters the room and is not backing down, I mean the room has a full supply of Jade pics to aid him in creating the specimen. I would have paid any amount of money for Chris to head to the magazine rack only to find Jade smiling back at him.

Whitney's sister gives Chris the business and is unwilling to give her blessing until Whitney is the only one left.  Might I suggest that The Bachelor have a cell phone handy at the proposal altar on the last episode.  Whitney loves Chris and is putting some real distance between her and the competition. How ironic that Whitney and Chris will be engaged and one month prior they told people at the wedding party they crashed that they were engaged.  Apparently Whitney and Chris were passing out more spoilers than Reality Steve (do not google Reality Steve, unless you want to know who wins, I avoid him and his site like the AIDS).

Kaitlyn Hometown:
Kaitlyn's hometown date included a rap session.  Now, I know Chris had yet to visit Jade, but I think I could have done a much better rap:
My name is Chris and I grow corn
Why hasn't Jade told me she does porn
Arlington, Iowa is super rad
After speaking to Whitney's sister I wish she had a dad
Kaitlyn is a super good rapper
And now I hear that Becca hasn't let anyone tap her
I thought me and Britt would be a perfect fit
Why is Carly mad at her and not Jade for showing the world her t**

Kaitlyn seems cool but has no shot, although she looked pretty good at the rose ceremony, props.

Jade Hometown (Best Hometown Date in Bachelor History):
This was everything I have been waiting for.  This date will go down in the annals of Bachelor history as one of the greatest 15 minutes ever.

So the vibe we got from Becca's family was the exact opposite vibe from Jade's family.  Becca's sister implied that Becca may be a virgin for life, while Jade's brother pretty much called his sister a woman of the night.

I loved when Chris gave Jade the Letterman's jacket and went on and on to the family about how he is so impressed by her small town values.  The family was looking at him like they saw an alien, the Dad pretty much said are we talking about the same person.  You do know she moved to LA right, you do know she has been working on her "modeling".   Too good.

So Chris and Jade leave to get some private time together, oh and what private time it was.  Jade finally breaks the news that she did Playboy.  Chris' eyes turn into little slits and it is getting real awkward, so what better way to break the awkwardness than to offer to show him the spread.  Jade breaks out the computer and Chris gets to see not only pics but a video not only upper but full frontal. Chris' face when she took off the bottoms was priceless.

The good news for Jade is Chris lets her know that he will not judge her for her past decisions and Jade is relieved.

Rose Ceremony No. 2:
Chris judges Jade and lets her go. Poor Jade, she lost out on Arlington, Iowa and has to head back to Chatsworth.

I Really Need to Ameliorate My Posts

Kelsey Interview:

The Chris Tells All portion of the evening started with Kelsey Telling All.  Unsurprisingly Kelsey is shocked at the way the girls saw her, namely as a psycho/allegedmanslaughterer/panicattackfaker. Kelsey lets Harrison know that if she would have known the way people were perceiving her she would have ameliorated it.  Harrison takes ameliorate in stride, acting like he knows that it means to make better.

Kelsey also lets us know that she is a mental health professional.  Ummm, not for long, I don't think many are going to be trusting you to provide guidance with their important issues and life questions.

Did Kelsey really warrant a one on one with Harrison.  There are multiple crazies every year I didn't see anything that out of the ordinary with Kelsey.   

Chris Interview:

The name of the show is Chris Tells All, but really this is nothing more than a 45 minute recap followed by an Andi imagerehab session.  

Harrison hits Chris with the tough questions like: When did you figure out Ashley S was crazy? How drunk was Tara?  Was Jordan really that drunk?  How crazy was Juelia's suicide story?  How crazy was Jillian's homeless sex hypothetical?

Harrison where is the follow up question.  If I were Harrison I would have followed with: If you knew Ashley S was nuts when she went Mesa Verde why did you keep her for 2 more weeks?  If Tara was falling over drunk why did you keep her for 2 more weeks?  When you saw Jordan twerking why did you send her home?  Would you rather sleep with a ratchet homeless chick with a bird in her hair or be celibate?  I mean how many times do we have to hear the homeless girl hypothetical without you giving an answer?  I want to know?  Would it help to hear my answer.  I think I would probably go with the homeless option, depending on the type of bird in her hair.  Is it a nasty pigeon? Or a cute hummingbird? 

Perhaps the most important part of the Chris Tells All was the proof that Harrison and ABC are loyal readers of JonoBeingJono.  Did you hear Harrison use my black box joke that it was actually hooked to her butt?  And did you see them address my question from last week about why show the donkey on Becca's date if it was never around again?  I guarantee at the women tell all Harrison is going to go with some variation of my Ashley I is not a virgin thread.  

Hi My Name Is Andi And My Fame Is Fleeting, Can I Be On Again?  You Let Brad Do It? Please? Pretty Please?

I really want to like Andi, but I can't put my finger on why she annoys me.  She is hot, which I like. She is smart, which I like.  I don't know, but when she was crying from the jump I couldn't help but feel she was really going for an imagerehab.  

Maybe it is how you always respond with yeeeaaahhhhhh.  You say yeaaaahhh almost as instinctively as Who Pablo says Ess Okay.   

On to the episode..

Chris comes back from dropping Ashley I and Kelsey and the girls let them know how proud they are of him.  Chris sees how proud and decides to drop another one...boom Megan outta here.  

Anybody notice Megan's wave as she leaves in the limo.  She looked like my 5 year old daughter with that wave, pretty funny to watch.  At least Megan was the only girl who got an international experience on the show.

One on One: Jade

Jade got the first one on one date and gets to go to Arlington.  Arlington is more depressing than we at first anticipated.  Apparently at Playboy they only teach you to pose and not act as Jade did not do a great job selling her excitement to move to Arlington.  To try and make her feel better Chris offers to name a cow after her, smooth Chris, smooth.  What girl wanted want to be named after a cow, that was an udderly stupid comment (farm and cow joke..boom).  

Chris and Jade head over to Starmont High School.  For those of you that don't know Starmont combines the three cities that attend (Strawberry Point, Arlington and Lamont).  And the principal's name, Sandy Klaus, I kid you not.  Klaus, I think what Chris would like for Christmas is for Jade to re-enact a hot teacher shoot in Chris' old English class. 

Jade is just ready to tell Chris about her past stripping, when Chris drops the hammer "you're from a small town and I can tell that you have a good head on your shoulders"....awkward.  I think what he meant to say is "you now live in LA and you don't like to put clothes on your shoulders" "or your breasts".      

After the date Jade confides her secret to Carly whose reaction is priceless about googling her.  

One on One: Whitney

It's over, at least it should be.  Whitney is actually confident, cute, nice, sweet, smart, real and gets along great with Chris' friend.  So here are Chris' choices 1) Playboy Slore; 2) Super hot self centered liar who hates Iowa; 3) Non-stop crying insecure chick or 4) A legit girl who doesn't use her mom's death as a way to survive another week.  Who does that?  No dad, mom dies and you don't use it to manipulate his feelings? Weak.  Oh but the voice, nevermind go with No. 1 or 2.   

While Whitney is away the other girls take a field trip to Arlington.   Britt is devastated, until the sunset.  Look, cut the girl some slack.  So she lied about her love of Arlington, have you seen her midriff?  So she lied about wanting to be a mother, check her face.

Jesus thinks Carly and Chris are a sure bet.  Tough to argue with that.  

Group Date: The Britt Meltdown

For the group date they go skating and Carly tattles on Britt, letting Chris know that she thinks Arlington sucks.  Chris is confused because Britt told him Arlington has great sunsets.  That night Chris decides to really get to the bottom of Britt's love of Arlington, but they just end up making out. Convincing enough.  Kaitlyn gets a rose over Britt, which sets off a meltdown. Britt goes Kelsey and stares Chris down, then proceeds to ask him why he would give a rose to Kaitlyn over her when she is clearly hotter than Kaitlyn (she has a point)?   Carly is giddy and Chris leaves....to be continued.

Kelsey Ain't Got Nothin On Me Biatch

Spoiler Alert: Nice previews ABC, you showed Jade and Becca on hometown dates and we already know Kaitlyn got a rose and Whitney is getting a rose, so not too much drama remains....I really gotta stop watching these previews but I can't resist.

Snitches Get Stitches

Drink up Ashley, it's a little cocktail I mixed you, I call it the "Sanderson Poe"

So we left off lest week with no rose ceremony and Kelsey writhing on the ground in an apparent panic attack.  Queue this week, Kelsey still on the ground...should we call 911?  Rush her to the emergency room?  No, let's talk about brownies and call Chris.  If that doesn't cure the situation, nothing will.  And what do you know, a Chriskiss is the perfect prescription and Kelsey is miraculously cured, she must be immeasurably blessed.  Well, now that she is good, let's have a rose ceremony.

Mackenzie, lets us know she will never get over this.  Why would she, I mean they hung out once and shared their philosophy on life (well extraterrestrial life).  

Samantha also gets the ax.  Do we know who she is?  I don't think she got a one on one or a group date.  She looks pretty good though, so not real sure what happened there.  

It's time to get out of the country, what's next Paris, London, Sidney, Tokyo, Deadwood? Deadwood it is.  

One on One Date:  Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy (Oh wait she is a virgin)

Finally, Becca got a little attention.  I thought she would make a late run.  Whereas, Kaitlyn is like that girl who is hot in junior high but never progresses, Becca is that girl who didn't peak too soon and is now coming into her own and I think she is a legitimate top 3 contender to find true love. There was nothing really comical to see on their date, other than Chris' laugh.   Their kiss was a little awkward but by Bachelor standards nothing to really get crazy about.  I do have two questions: 1) Why was the donkey there if they weren't going to ride it? and 2) Are there no hot tubs in South Dakota.  Hot tub time this year has been very limited. 

Back at the house Carly is building herself up some to confront Kelsey about her ridiculous behavior.  Kelsey shows up and, Carly wilts, leaving Whitney to start in on her.  It kind of reminded me of when pantsaprenuer wanted to get in Nick's face but then wilted letting Josh do his dirty work.   

Group/One on One Date: Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy

For the group/one on one date we got to meet Britt's favorite band Big and Rich.  Megan and Carly are beside themselves as they are going to get to show off their singing chops, meanwhile Jade is pouty since she is a perfectionist and can't sing.  Luckily Big or was that Rich?  took her for a run up main street and now she is ready to be the next TSwizz.  

Britt starts us off with her song and she did fantastic.  I mean the way she wore that red shirt showed incredible talent.   Next up is Kaitlyn and she of course gives an impressive rap and showed an uncanny ability to rhyme with fever.  I'm not hating at all, as a boy who grew up in Utah I know firsthand how hard it is to make a funny beaver joke.  Every guy who has taken that regretful drive down the I-15 through Fillmore/Beaver has undoubtedly made some variation of the "I can't wait to get to Fillmore/Beaver joke" and it takes a lot of creativity.

Thereafter Jade sucked, Megan was great and Carly drops a Grammy award winning performance which will undoubtedly get her some sort of bonus on the group date, like maybe a Big and Rich concert.  Oh wait, is that Chris and Britt sneaking off to the Big and Rich show, I'm shocked.   Meanwhile, Whitney, Megan, Kaitlyn and Carly are left back at the hotel whining about Chris and Britt's connection and why Britt got to go to the concert when she doesn't even like country music? Listen ladies, it is pretty simple.  If you want to go to the concert you should be prettier.   Chris tells us that him and Britt have this crazy chemistry and he just doesn't know how to explain it.  Let me try and help you explain it Chris:

1. She is kinda good looking

2. She likes to take long "naps"

3. She is kinda good looking first thing in the morning   

4. She looks pretty good taking "naps"

Hopefully that clears it up.  Carly gets real weepy which is understandable because she has told us that she gets her self esteem from men, so Chris leaving her in the hotel for over an hour while he gallivants with Britt is probably doing wonders for her self worth.  

The Main Event 2 on 1: Snitches Get Stitches

Before we get to the details of the much awaited date of Ashley v. Kelsey, can we address the claim that both of these girls have masters degrees?  My argument for skipping college just got a little stronger.   

On to Ash v. Kel. It appears Ashley has a 3 point plan.  Point 1 make the belly button ring very visible, nothing says virgin like a pierced belly button.  Point 2 when it starts to get awkward go for the aggressive virgin makeout.  Finally, if Points 1 and 2 are not working start snitching.  One problem, does Ashley know who she is snitching on?  I, for one would not cross Kelsey under circumstances.  I half expect to get an email from her about my blog titled "JBJ, I Know What You Did." (Kelsey, I for one love you, your story is amazing, you are smart and immeasurably blessed). 

Did someone monitor Ashley's drink while she was away with Chris? (Kelsey, I for one love you, your story is amazing, you are smart and immeasurably blessed). 

Kelsey then gets her crack with Chris and they spend the majority of the time talking about the allegations that she doesn't get along with the girls.

Kelsey heads back and gives Ashley the stare down, when Ashley finally acknowledges her staring she gets the now infamous "I know what you did"  I haven't had chills go down my spine like that since J Love Hewitt got a similar call 15 years ago. (Kelsey, I for one love you, your story is amazing, you are smart and immeasurably blessed).    

When the dust settled, both girls got left in the Badlands to expire without ever finding true love. Ashley then loses her mind, and I gotta give her credit she dropped a bomb on Britt on the way out.  

I hope you all watched the previews.  Jade apparently has some nudey pics out there, from a journalistic standpoint I am trying to verify the veracity of these allegations (jk honey).  But in all honesty,  I have not been giving myself enough credit lately.  Please refer back to my post of January 27 where I made the statement that while Jade was playing the sweet Nebraska girl image, that I thought she was a stripper.  It seems that I have an impeccable slutdar and I absolutely nailed it.

Next week are we going to Paris?  Nope it looks like we're headed to Arlington.  Oh, Dallas that should be somewhat fun.  Oh, Arlington, Iowa not Texas.  I guess it's time to try and break Britt down, we'll see.   

  

     

My Blog Is So Tragic!

I Love My Story

Finally the show went international this week as the crew traveled to New Mexico.  This is why I love TV, there is always so much to learn, here I am thinking New Mexico was a landlocked State pertaining to the United States of America when in fact it is just a better more newer version of Mexico surrounded by palm trees and beaches.  Luckily the Bachelor lets us live vicariously through them as I'm sure I'll never get the chance to surf Albuquerque Beach or snorkel in the Santa Fe Lagoon.  Maybe if Megan ends up with Chris she'll get to ski the beautiful slopes of Des Moines Mountain or go on a trip to Boston to see Buckingham Palace and the Queen of New England.

One On One - Carly and the Sex Guru
So Carly and Chris got to visit a "love" guru.  I've gotta be straight, the love guru really knows her stuff.  I agree with her, there is no way to know if you have a suitable mate until you find out if she can do this:

And I Quote "Chris you are going to come around the hips and into her thighs"

I guess I know where I am going on my anniversary this year, Santa Fe is amazing.

Oh and Carly, let me give you some quick advice.  It appears you have never watched any of the previous seasons.  When you are given the opportunity to remove your clothing, it does not matter how awkward you feel, your morals do not matter, you just do it.....if you have any questions in this regard just call Andi.

Poor Carly feels sad that her last boyfriend was either repulsed by her or gay.   But Carly don't be so hard on yourself, girls should get their self esteem from boys, that is normal and very healthy.  If I don't find you hot, you should hate yourself.

Group Date: River Rafting and the Hypothermic Butt
So the girls get a tutorial on how they could die on this intense river and then they proceed to through a raft into the lake, was the lake even moving?  Despite the raft barely moving, Jade managed to get thrown from the raft.  Notice, that Chris did not jump in after her, what a jerk.

Not surprisingly Jade got hypothermia which required therapy from Chris.  I though Mackenzie was weird all season but her butt cold comment was genius, she is stealing potential material from me.

After the swim in the lake they head back to the lodge and who is this girl waiting for Chris?  Jordan?  Wow, she looks way better sober.  She is actually kinda cute.  We learn that Jordan has come back because it was destiny that she marry Chris and they never got a real chance.  Nothing messes up destiny like Jim Beam and Johnny Walker.   Jordan, I want to take you serious, but I read your bio before the season started:
 Q: If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do?
A: Give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.

On second thought why is she not still in the competition?  Her answer is so profound.

Jordan's return unfortunately sent the group date in a downward spiral of analysis about the ethics of Jordan returning and how one should appropriately feel when a discarded woman returns.  It's an age old question and I thought the girls did a wonderful job of breaking it down, analyzing it and giving some real heartfelt thoughts and opinions on this important subject.

I have an idea for the next rose ceremony.  If you don't get a rose, just refuse to leave, Chris won't have the heart to send you packing immediately and maybe you can score another free trip to the next destination before you get told to leave again.  

One On One: Hot Air Balloon and Dirty Socks
Finally Britt gets some more time with Chris.  And we now learn that Britt has yet to shower since the show started.  We also learn that Britt likes to wear gnarly dirty socks on her dates.  Yet despite being disgusting, she wears makeup to bed and looks perfect when woken at 4:00 a.m.  This seems like a bit of a paradox to me, why is she so obsessed with makeup and how she looks but not cleanliness?  Which leads to the next paradox, crying one day about fear of heights while excitedly hopping aboard a hot air balloon?  Or telling the girls you don't want kids then telling Chris you want 100?

I for one am going to cut her a break she seems to have a real sweet spirit about her, she wears chucks, and who doesn't like a girl who can take a two hour nap.

One on One: Amazingly Tragic and Sanderson Poe
Despite not getting invited, upon hearing about Chris and Britt's nap Kelsey decides it is time to tell her story and goes straight to Chris' room.

We learn that poor Sanderson Poe died of something, we're not sure what it is called maybe congenital disease or something like that, but don't be sad her story is amazing, we love that story.  In fact I am nearly positive that 10 years from now we will be hearing some podcast detailing the way in which Sanderson Poe was poisoned.  

Boy oh boy was Ashley right, Kelsey's story was a game changer in fact it went straight from my husband died a year ago from some genital heart disease to making out......creepy.

Kelsey returns to the fold and is now super confident that she is getting a rose.  Meanwhile, Chris looks like he just saw an alien and calls off the cocktail party.  This sends Kelsey into a literal panic and we get a ........to be continued.  What????  I refuse to not have a rose ceremony.  Harrison better not have got paid for this episode.

So what did Kelsey tell Chris?  I have a theory and it goes something like this (allegedly):  Chris if you don't give me a rose and start our love story right now I have a feeling you might get congenital heart syndrome and end up just like old Sanderson Poe.

We'll see, but my guess is Kelsey sends herself home, sparing Ashley another week to really try and humiliate herself.