Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? She Was Running You Idiot!

I Told You I Was Running!

Just when I though ABC couldn't be any lamer with their fake previews they totally redeem themselves.  I was completely transfixed as the "Mormon Heartbreaker" ruined Des' life, but I suppose I should recap the dates with Messieurs irrelevant Drew and Chris.

Drew:
Drew and Des explore Antigua and Drew giggles a lot.  It rains and so they bypass dinner to go to the fantasy suite where Des pretends Drew is Brooks as they make out.

Chris:
Poem, awkward conversation about Seattle, and "watching the stars" at the fantasy suite as Des pretends Chris is Brooks as they make out in the hot tub.  Screw it let's get to the real Drama!

BROOKS:
Touted by Chris Harrison as the TV event of the summer and for once ABC is understated, I would call it the TV event of the decade.  We start off with Brooks traveling to Boise to talk to his mom and sister about his unloving heart.  Well at least this explains the crosses and non-Mormon home they were in last week, it wasn't Brooks' mom's home.   Brooks tells his Mom that while Des is great, his heart just isn't feeling it and unless something changes he is going to dump Des, uh oh!

Brooks makes it to Antigua and instead of Des showing up to pick him up for the date we get Harrison showing up at his cabana.   My nerves were immediately calmed, if Harrison can't fix this no one can. Brooks tries, unsuccessfully, to explain to Harrison how he is feeling.  Harrison ingeniously asks Brooks if he has having a hard time because his parents divorced making it hard for him to commit. Yes, Harrison, you did it, you have broken through Brooks' cold heart and cured 20 years of psychological trauma.  However, Brooks quickly dismisses this idea saying he is ready to be married just not to Des.  Oh man this is not good, if Harrison can't get through to Brooks, Des has no chance.

Oh well, no big deal, maybe Des was just going to pick Chris anyway.  Nevermind.

Queue up Des talking about how excited she is to see Brooks and what they are going to be doing on their date, catamaran, private beach, fantasy suite blah blah blah.  Cruel ABC, just cruel.  

Brooks shows up and Des immediately knows something is wrong.  Brooks hems and haws for about two segments while Des tells him that she is completely devastated.  We also get a glimpse into production as Des tells Brooks that it has always been him and that she loves him.  Brooks asks why she didn't tell him before and she tells him she couldn't, and that was why they did the lame walking/skipping/jogging/running code and she told him she was running and at the finish line.   And I thought their code was just some lame game to avoid breaking down walls and saying how you really feel, no it was just a ploy to trick the Bachelor producers to leave some semblance of drama.

Quick Interlude: Des does know that Brooks has a butthole on his chin right?

Des completely breaks-down, as do I.  This is heartbreaking, why can't people that she loves, love her back?

Brooks is devastated by Des' devastation as he lets us know he wished that she loved Drew or Chris which is quite apparent at this point, that she does not.  Brooks finally gets to the limo and Des heads to the dock to bawl oh wait is she going to walk right off the end of the dock, don't do it Des, don't do it, okay phew she is just going to sit down to cry.

So where does this leave those poor schmucks Drew and Chris.  Obviously they can't be with Des, especially once they see this footage.  There is no way Drew can just giggle this off.  There is no way Chris can get past this with a poem or a nose adjustment.  They may as well pack up as Des is not marrying either of them.

So, what could ABC possibly do for three hours next week?  I have a theory and this may be more like a hope and a prayer but could Brooks change his mind?   I think his cold heart was melted by Des' love for him and he is going to tell that limo to pull over so he can go and rescue his bride to be.   Who knows, but I won't take ABC's claims of most dramatic finale ever for granted ever again.  




    

The Men Try Out As They Tell All

You are Dead to Us James and Ben and Mikey and Jonathan and Whoever Screws Over Des the Next Two Weeks

So the "Tell All" has really turned into one big audition to become the next Bachelor, and the winner IMO is....Zack.  Well played right down to the song "moving on".   I don't see any of the final 3 becoming the next Bachelor because A) Chris' dad and family is too weird; B) Drew is auditioning to become the first Gaychelor airing on LOGO; and C) Brooks is looking like he may be a villain who will immediately be tossed into the blender with James/Ben/Jonathan/Mikey.

The only other alternative....you guessed it our man Who Juan.  Personally I think this could end up being amazing TV, but I'm not sure ABC is ready to go Telenovela with its most important franchise.

Why are we investing in alternative forms of energy when we could just harvest the wind from all of the middle-aged head-shaking at the "tell all" and power generations of Americans?

Harrison and ABC your biggest Bachelor/ette fan is here and I am ready for you to crash my viewing party, if you too want to see this start tweeting @chrisbharrison #jbjviewingparty, everyone who tweets gets invited to the party.  I think I would die if Catherine and Sean showed up at my crib, I would even settle for Pavelka and Harrison you can creepily peer into my window any time.  

Before she had to go to the hot seat Des sat down with some former Bachelorettes for advice.  Ali sure has a lot to say for someone who went on the show and then left right before the end in order to save her job.  Emily sure has a lot to say for someone who was sexting Matt Leinart while still with One F Jef.   And did you notice that Ashley didn't get one word in, why was she there?

Hilarious, Diogo doesn't get to patricipate in the Men Tell All because he can't get through the metal detector.

First up on the hot seat our Father of the Year, Ben.  Uh oh Brad drops the bomb that Ben's baby momma says he is not a great father and only recently took an interest in young Brody.  I am not buying that, he seemed so sincere with Desiree.

Next up Invisible Brian.  Brian where are you?  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  We learned that you were dating a former playboy model, that you slept with her 2 days before the show and that she threw rocks at you; Respect.  

Next up James.  James this is your big chance to prove to America that you should be the next Bachelor.  Uh oh this is not going well, blame it on Mikey, blame it on Mikey.  Oh no, Now Mikey is standing up threatening Kasey #abouttocry for making him US Weekly fodder as if that is a bad thing.  Objection hearsay; Objection Hearsay.  Michael G, I got this, allow JBJ to step in, this is an exception to hearsay as an admission and declaration against interest under Cal. Evid. Code Section 1220 Et Seq.   More booing and off you go James, well at least you will always have Plan B, you and Mikey in intimate settings on a boat.    

Who Pablo is up next.  This guy is beloved, and rightfully so.  What a great father, I mean he spends all his weekends with his daughter.  In case you were wondering who is the mother, JBJ has your back:

Desiree Who?

I don't think Who Pablo is going to be needing to be the next Bachelor to find true love.

Finally we get Zack in the hot seat and we break out an invisible pen light to read his thoughts on love. Prediction: That journal is undoubtedly going to be seen again.  I wonder what Chris has to say about Zack's poem, it wasn't too shabby.  I haven't seen so many dudes reading and writing poetry since Robin Williams inspired a group of young men to Carpe Diem.  

Des now joins the men on stage and is quite chippy in letting the guys know what insincere pricks they are. Can we get onto the previews and the postgame reaction from the yayhoos in the audience.  

Oh the previews.  According to the previews ABC wants us to believe the following: Drew is eliminated; Brooks breaks up with Des; Chris shows up to the engagment only for Des to let him know her heart is not in it as she still loves Brooks and the show ends with Des heartbroken and alone.  Something tells me we are being duped.  (That something is my experience such as Des' boyfriend confronting Sean or One of the guys getting punched out this year; etc. etc.).   The good news is we still get 2 more weeks of must watch true love.

P.S. ABC, are you serious with the audience cougars giving their reactions to the previews?  Really weird.

I Could Use A Nose Adjustment

Hopefully This Will Prepare Me For the Next Couple of Weeks

Weirdest/Oddest/Funniest Scenes From Hometown Week:
- Chris' dad giving Des a massage errrrr adjustment and then putting a large contraption up his son's nose so that he could have focus to make such important decisions as asking a girl to marry him.  Why is it that Chiropracters are more persistent and have more conviction about their craft than a Mormon Missionary? Did anyone else notice that they cut the scene from last week's previews where Chris' dad tucked Des' shirt into her pants as he flipped her upside down?  I had been waiting all week to see that.

- Drew breaking his sister out the back door of the home where she is living.  Is there a reason you couldn't just go to the front door?

- Zack having the limo pull to the side of the road so he could throw the ring he got out of a box of Cap n' Crunch out the window.  Why not pawn it, or better yet save it for when you are the Bachelor?

- The long awaited return of Nate left him lurking behind a wall at the Beverly Hilton as the guys came in one by one.  Does the Hilton not have security?  I so bad wanted Nate to jump out from behind the wall and yell Boo as Drew came in so he could scream like a little girl.

- Zack driving a pedomobile while dressed in a penguin costume.


Other Highlights:
- ABC did a fabulous job sprucing up Liberty Park.  ABC probably could have made Pioneer Park look like the Garden of Eden.

- What is Brooks' religion?  The house had a cross up and for those who don't know Mormons don't do crosses.   Michael G referenced a Mormon going to mass earlier in the show, could it have been James rather than Brooks?

- Any doubts we had about Drew's sexuality were quickly resolved when he greeted Des with his tightly fitted pink button-up.


Still to Come:
- Is Des going to quit when Brooks dumps her?  ABC is doing their best to make it look like Drew is going to let her know that unless she wants to re-enact The Crying Game that he is out, but IMO Brooks is going to be the one to break her heart.

- Michael G is actively preparing his trial brief, witness and exhibit list, jury instructions and cross examination for the "Guys Tell All".  

Michael G Convicted of Being a Momma's Boy and Chris Has A Large Ball%*)!

Did Someone Misplace a Sack of Balls?

Generally the week before hometowns is one of the more boring weeks of the show.  At this point the real crazies are usually gone and you don't have the families to provide extra drama and weirdness.

However, this episode was immediately spiced up with the return of Catherine, Leslie and Jackie to discuss and ogle Des' men.  Did Catherine really just ask who had the biggest sack of ball?  It was bleeped but upon further review it appeared to be two words.  Worst case scenario she asked about the size of the boy's friend Richard.   And apparently Chris is the largest, wait a sec, how does Des know this there hasn't even been a fantasy suite yet?

And why was Jackie flown to Madeira?  To give advice on how to never be on camera until you lose a 2 on 1 date because you try to tattle on the token villain.

Catherine I too was voted most huggable for my generous bosom.

One on One: Brooks
Walking, Jumping, Skipping, Running, Crawling, Bouncing, Crabwalking, Finish Line.  Huh?  Did I miss something?  Let me tell you the proper sequence: Declare your abounding love, Fantasy suite session, Neil Lane.  Brooks why are you making this so complicated?  Des wants to marry you, so what if you have to wait 6 months to go to the temple due to your alcohol consumption just get it done.

P.S. Nice cloud 9 reference.  Best play on words since pilot Jake Pavelka's season and the constant playing of "On the Wings of Love"  

One on One: Chris
Let me guess Chris is going to read a poem, what a shocker.  The poetry thing has officially jumped the shark, you need a new move my man.  I did like when they tried to write a poem together and Des threw out a line and Chris just talked over her with your own line, Des needed to know to leave the poetry writing to the professionals.  

Two on One: Zack and Drew
Drew could you have been more pathetic in the race with Zack.  Zack could have finished, taken Des to dinner, showed her his abs and junk and got back before you finished.

So the internet is ablaze with the Drew is gay propaganda.  I am not buying it, oh wait why is he giggling like a 11 year old girl, stop I refuse to believe this, he would never do that to Des.  They love each other.

We all know it is only a matter of time until Gay Bachelor and perhaps we have found our first Gaychelor.

One on One: Michael G Money
Wait a second Michael G might actually be a normal dude.  He is coming off way too sincere isn't there someone he can convict?  I miss the cross-examining Michael.

G, Let me get this straight: 1) Federal Prosecutor; 2) Graduated Magna Cum Laude from Law School; 3) Live in South Beach; 4) Wealthy; and 5) Good Looking.  All of this and when you got the boot you were reduced to calling your mommy from the back of the limo to cry, maybe I'm just not meant to be married, no one will ever love me, waaaaaaaaahhhh. C'mon G, get it together you are giving us barristers a bad name.

P.S.  I thought you couldn't have your cellphone on the show?

Hometowns next week.  I can't wait to see Des visit Temple Square and apparently Chris' dad is going to be getting intimate with Des and last but not least the return of Des' brother Nate.  If you don't know Nate just wait (I'm starting to sound like Chris) he is a Bachelor/ette icon.

I Appeal!

Said James, as his case was dismissed by Michael G Money.   Can you believe that James' last name is Case.  How ironic (in the Alanis Morissette form of ironic) that the guys led by their lead counsel G Money made a Case against James Case and got him sent packing.

I only want to be the Bachelor if I get sent home, but if Des keeps me then of course I will love her, how do you guys not get it?

 
James you will be missed:

Something was definitely in the Spanish air this week.  We had heavy petting, heated arguments, penises and a devastating cross-examination.

One on One: Drew
How has it been like 8 or 9 weeks and Drew hasn't had the chance to dump any baggage on Des until this week.  Sure enough he grew up with an alcoholic father who has cancer.  Nobody knows he has cancer, oh wait now 34 million people know, oooops.  Des thanked Drew for feeling comfortable enough to tell her about his dad's alcoholism as she polished off her glass of wine.

The date did have a cool vibe as they drink from arbitrary water taps (last time I did that I got Giardia) and walked through sketchy back alleys with perfectly painted graffiti and random musicians strumming their guitars.  I got to give it to Drew with the run from the camera move, that was awesome, you could tell the camera man was trippin (no pun intended) as they sprinted away to get in some heavy petting which thank goodness we got to see because it was superhot.  

Drew ends the date by breaking the James news to Des which causes Des to slip into an expletive laced tirade.   Drew a word or two of advice: when you are heavy petting don't steer the conversation to some meathead who wants to hook up with lots of women on a boat in Chicago, it causes the heavy petting to stop.

Nonetheless, Drew made a serious move this week and gauging by the previews he is a legit frontrunner, and don't worry we'll get to the previews I watched them 17 times including several times frame by frame.

Group Date: Kickin It With Des
It is soccer time and time for Who Pablo to shine.  The guys take on a 7th grade girls soccer team and get crushed due to James being the worst goalie in the history of soccer.  James hasn't looked that terrified since he was told that his local grocery store was no longer carrying L.A. Looks hair gel and Axe body spray.

Uh oh, Mormon Brooks just dropped an F bomb.  The last Mormon to go F bomb was of course Jef with 1 F and we all know that relationship ended in heartbreak so let's clean it up Brooks.    

Chris and Des have a very strange and hard to follow conversation which is topped off with a beautiful poem from Des, these two are beautiful together.  BTW Des I hate nit pick, but in your poem you said "sparks have grown" to that you could rhyme something with home.  I think sparks usually fly not grow and grow doesn't really rhyme with home anyway, so maybe you should have went with "the sparks have flied and without your love I would have died" or something like that.

Meanwhile, next store Michael G is playing Kasey like a little puppet to get him to confront James which he does like a little sheep.

Why are most lawyers such bags?  Michael G Money just cannot help himself as he jumps into the fray with his own cross-examination of James.  James tries to interpose an objection by telling G Money that he is trying to introduce inadmissible hearsay into this case to which G Money quickly overrules the objection as what he is saying is clearly one of the exceptions to hearsay.

In the end James is able to stay one more night so that he can tangle some more with the guys.  James accomplishes this by letting the water works go and letting Des know that Mikey was the one who led the conversation and that Mikey was probably just "self medicating" with guy talk since he hadn't had a one on one date.  That was enough for Des and she lets him head back to the hotel where he can barely fit through the elevator door.  As he walks in you have to go and watch Kasey's face as he lets out a big gulp knowing his health is in jeopardy.     

One on One: Zack and Some Dude's Schlong

What is more orange: Zack's skin or Des' jacket?

Des and Zack head to an art studio to do some drawing.  Zack draws an absolutely hideous portrait of Des and then a skinny Euro is brought out with no clothes on.  The look on Zack's face was priceless and for some reason the instructor is pointing at skinny Eurodude's wiener.

Zack decides to break the ice by pretending that he will now be showing Des his junk only to have a pair of tighty whiteys on.  Admittedly I paused it and either Zack put the microphone equipment in there or a tuna can, you be the judge.


Back At The Hotel:
The James drama is heating up.  James asks to speak to Drew and Drew has apparently been apprenticing under the master G Money as he handles himself quite well in the argument.

All of the dudes are then chilling in a room and James comes in and squeezes himself right up next to G Money who isn't amused.  Chris starts him off and of course G Money finishes him and if you didn't catch it you have to watch G Money wink at the other dudes as he is about to take over the cross examination, like don't worry I got this, this is what I do.  After G Money finishes James he is left to run away with his tail tucked between his legs..

Des comes back and talks to James again as the guys stalk them from the balcony and James almost convinces her to keep him around, but in the end James, Kasey and Who Pablo get the boot.

How does Who Pablo get cut in the only land where it would have been appropriate for her to say "Aceptas Esta Rosa"?  Not cool.  How is Michael G really still around?


STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WATCH THE PREVIEWS!!!!!!

Previews:
Okay a few points:

The limo shots: Chris daytime, Brooks daytime, G Money night and Zack night.  No limo shot for Drew.

When Des goes to see Brooks, that was not his house in Utah.  How do I know?  The only tiled stairs in Utah are at the baptismal font.  We all know that it is too dangerous with that many kids running around to have tiled stairs.

ABC wants us to believe that Drew dumps Des.  I am predicting a lot of out of context quotes from that preview.

Someone was holding a ring and it looked like spray tan Zack.