Harrison Might Be Out of a Job

Awkward!

So this week we got to see a real sausage fest as the show moved to Germany.   Quick question, why do all of the guys have the same style jacket but in different colors?  Do I need to get one of those, am  I missing something?

One on One: Chris and Des and Bryden

The one on one was your typical play dress up and then go dance in a public place but it got interesting when Bryden finally snapped.  

Bryden leaves the hotel and starts asking randoms if they speak English so they can tell him if they have seen a camera crew.  Finally he finds some English speakers and they tell him to go to the town square.   Bryden then joins the circle of stalkers who are watching two Americans act like idiots in love.

Cryden then interrupts the dancing and tells Des that he is leaving.  I hope this wasn't an attempt to get her to beg him to stay because Des couldn't have cared less.  

At the end of the evening Chris and Des have one of the most tender moments in Bachelorette history when Chris breaks out some legit poetry.  This certainly wasn't some lame "right reasons right reasons i'm here for all four seasons", he sounded like Shakespeare Jr. and it brought Des and JBJ to tears.  

Group Date: Sledding and the Yodeler

For the group date the boys get to go up a large tram and do some sledding.  On the ride up the tram we literally heard 18,420 OMG's. At the top of the mountain we meet Harrison's replacement "The Yodeler".  Why would anyone go to Harrison for advice, when The Yodeler has marriage pegged, he has been married 38 years and when asked for his sage wisdom on how to make a marriage work he says that the woman does whatever he says. Genius! How have I not thought of this it is so simple yet so profound.

After the sledding they all go to an ice cave where Des makes out with most of them and we learn that Zack once sat atop this same mountain to meditate and learned that he should not be a priest; we also learn that Mikey wants to have a snowman family of five (shocking that he got booted).  After the snowman debacle Des knew she would not even need a cocktail party as Mikey was done. 

2 on 1: Ben is convicted of fraud and impersonation of a Southern Gentleman

For the 2 on 1 Michael G the federal prosecutor and Ben the Christian, southern gentleman, single dad go head to head.  For the date they go out on a freezing lake in a floating hot tub.  Props ABC if you are going to force us watch a cold weather locale find a way to get the hot tub involved.  Did anyone else notice that they had a thermos floating in the water.  With the contestants on this show would you really want to drink from a thermos that has been floating in gonorrhea infested waters.  

Michael G gets it cracking by acting like a typical tool lawyer who is taking it upon himself to cross-examine Ben, but in the end it works and Ben is convicted of being a fraud and on the way to the slammer (in the limo) he admits it by asking how long he has to wait to be seen in public with women as he is ready to party.  Keep it classy Ben.  

My big question is how was Des able to see through Ben, the fact that he doesn't get along with the others in the house never gets you sent home (Courteney, Tierra, Vienna, Bentley etc...).  Did ABC know she was going to do that?  I'm sure they were not pleased with her decision.   

Prior to the rose ceremony we learn that Drew and Kasey overheard James and Mikey discussing how they were now going to be running Chigago.  With their new-found fame they are going to set up a business wherein a boat that will take people to intimate settings.  How did I not think of this first, they are going to own Chicago.  James, any chance you will be franchising this business name your price and I am in to start the LA site of "Intimate Boat Settings R Us".  

Can't wait to see Who Pablo in Espana next week.  

What Would Ray Lewis Do?

This week we had the 2013 version of the White Bronco as Patriot tight end Aaron Hernandez was followed  by a helicopter as he has come under scrutiny for the murder of Odin Lloyd:


            


Aaron is likely to be arrested for obstruction of justice for destroying footage from his home security system, but Aaron I wouldn't trip.  Ray Lewis has given you the roadmap from obstruction of justice/possible homicide to Hero/ESPN employee:

1. Do not talk to authorities, take your obstruction charge on keep it moving.
2. Find God and anytime you are asked about the murder keep it very vague, ambiguous and play the God Card.  For example during an interview prior to the Super Bowl Ray Lewis was asked by Shannon Sharpe regarding the murder: The families of the slain men find it difficult to see you be idolized by millions of fans, believing you know more about the killings than you have shared, what would you say to the families? Lewis replied "God has never made a mistake.  That's just who he is, you see....to the family, if you knew, if you really knew the way God works.  He don't use people who commits anything like that for His glory."  A perfect answer, I suggest you right that on your hand.
3. Have 6 kids with 4 women.  When asked about it see No. 2 above.
4. Catch a lot of passes.
5. Win a super bowl.

Follow these simple steps and in 15 years you will be a hero and likely be working as an analyst for ESPN.

Speaking of analysts for ESPN, why is ESPN going to Attorney Roger Cossacks for legal analysis when you have Ray Lewis on staff?  I dare say Ray Lewis has much more in depth analysis he could give regarding Obstruction of Justice/Homicide than Cossacks.

Bachelorette Recap: The Meathead Edition

So the show begins with Harrison informing the guys that they are headed to Jersey.  It really couldn't be more fitting with the number of meatheads still on the show.

Honestly can you tell the difference:

 

vs.

 


The Bachelors should fit in perfectly in Jersey.


One on One: Brad

So Brad's Domestic Violence arrest wasn't enough to keep him from getting the first one on one date, but his lack of ability to put words together to make a sentence was his undoing, and he doesn't make it to the rose ceremony.  Des takes him to the highest possible spot to break the news that he will not be getting a rose, just in case he wants to jump.  Oh and Brad was that really the first time you have tried taffy? Really?

Group Date: Mr. America

What a great idea for a group date, a Mr. America pageant.  Especially on the day following this debacle (no pressure guys):

UTAH ALWAYS REPRESENTIN (and it is not the dumbest answer ever, that title still belongs to Miss Teen South Carolina)

Back to the Mr. Bachelor competition.
The first part of the competition is the question/answer and we learn a lot about the gentleman:
1) Kasey is a giver, apparently he has not learned from Michael Douglas' revelation and could soon be contracting cancer.
2) Chris' worst quality is not taking girls out to dinner as much as necessary.  Sex Addict, Alcoholic, Liar, Druggie we can deal with but a Lack of Dinner TakerOuter not that is a deal breaker.
3) Who Pablo also has a kid.  Who on this show doesn't have kids?  This group of Bachelors has spread more seed than a wheat farmer.
4) Brooks wants to be a lion which apparently to Des is the funniest joke she has ever heard?
5) Mikey is not just a piece of meat but has feelings (he then proceeds on the talent portion to do a strip show and upside down pushups, way to drive your point home).

In the end Kasey wins Mr. America but Zak gets the rose perhaps because of this:

I'm The Full Package

After the talent show we get the mandatory Benhateathon, Ben is Mean, Ben talks more about his bar than his son, Ben is a liar, Ben is not here for the right reasons, Ben talks to Des in front of us waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

We also are transported back to the hotel where James is getting ready for his date by taking a bubble bath and eating chocolate covered strawberries?  I can't believe he stole my daily routine.    

One on One: James
James shows up and learns that the date will be seeing the horrific destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy.  I don't see this leading to a fantasy suite.  The good news for James is I doubt she will bounce you on a date like this, in fact sharing this experience should buy you a couple of weeks.

We get to meet Manny and Jan whose house was destroyed by the hurricane and Des and James so graciously agree to give their date to Janny.   So cute.   ABC spends 40 minutes showing Janny having a great time but in the end sends them back to their wreck of a home.  Hey if they wanted their home fixed they should have went on Extreme Home Makeover rather than the Bachelorette.    

James and Des decide to get some pizza and a beer where James lets Des know that he cheated on his girlfriend.  Uh oh!  That definitely hit a nerve you could see it all over Des' face.  He just blew all the goodwill the service date had got him because all girls know, once a cheater always a cheater.   James and Des joing Manny and Jan with Hootie and what do you know James The Cheater starts dancing with Jan right in front of Des, the guy has no shame.      

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Michael G: Has a gesture for Des and he spells her name on white paper D is for down to earth E is for Easy to talk to and S is for smile and lastly G the last letter of my last name stands for great if things worked out for us.  Des tells him he is soooo funny.  She better not be serious.  There was nothing funny about that.  Michael check this: M-oron; I-diot; C-ouldn't be more lame; H-urry up and get booted; A-bsolutely stupid gesture you just did; E-asily the worst gesture I have ever seen other than Kasey getting a tattoo for Ali;
L-oser.  

Bryden: Pity party, plays the I might not accept the rose if I don't get more time with her card and then gets a rose and accepts it.

In the end Zack K surprisingly gets sent packing.  He didn't seem to get much of a chance and seemed like a normal dude, oh wait he is crying, maybe not as normal as I had hoped for.

Next up Germany and the revelation that Ben and James are not there for Des but rather to be the next Bachelor.  No me digas.  Someone should tell them that it never works like that, just ask Ali.  



i

I Think We Found Our Next Bachelorette....Stephanie (Brian's Girlfriend)

We Slept Together Even Though I Threw Rocks At You!

Let's get straight to the important stuff, one of my favorite people ever to appear on the Bachelor/ette series, Stephanie.  Des gets a call from Harrison telling her he needs to see her immediately down at the house.  It must be every Bachelorette's worst nightmare to pick up your phone and see Harrison on the caller ID as you know drama is about to ensue.

Des get's to the Bachelor house and goes outside to talk to Brian about his past relationships.   Brian seems oblivious to the fact that he is being set up when our dear girl Stephanie (Brian's girlfriend) comes storming through the house and out to the patio to confront Brian.  We learn that Brian slept with Stephanie after she threw rocks at his face because he was leaving on a business trip (aka The Bachelorette).

I don't really see why Brian was kicked off, who wouldn't break up with a girl that throws rocks at your face.  Who really throws rocks past the 3rd grade?

My idea for the next Bachelorette would be to have Stephanie handing out roses and when you get eliminated she throws a rock at you, it would be must see TV.

As for the rest of the show:

Brooks: Breaks his finger playing dodgeball and is treated like he lost a limb.  Multiple paramedics, ambulances, tubes up the nose.  It was straight out of Tierra's handbook, I mean put a splint on it and move on.  Let's hope he can get that splint removed before fantasy suite season arrives.

Michael G: Is stoked that there are 9 great dudes going on the group date.

Brad: Has a 3 year old kid and a domestic violence rap.  Nothing out of the ordinary here let's give him a rose.  

Kasey: Went on one of the most awkward dates in the show's history and despite being in the middle of a Tsunami tried to make out with Des.  #awkward

Who Pablo: Wins the fake fight challenge and gets a chance to plug the Lone Ranger for ABC.  During the plug he makes out with Des while they both have popcorn in their mouth.   Des you really need to stop speaking Spanish when you give Who the rose.   You keep saying "I will accept that rose".

James: Convinces Des to give him a rose because his dad has cancer.

Bryden: For being such a brave soldier you really are a wuss when it comes to making a move on Des.  

Ben: Steals Des away for a car ride and makeout.  He is playing the Vienna/Courteney/Tierra role perfectly, well done.

Mikey: Wants to kill Ben.

Brandon: We kinda knew Brandon was a little crazy/stalkerish form talking about squishing butterflies to spying on Des from a deck.  Des did the right thing setting him free but I didn't see her give him back his mother's 7 year sober chip.  That sucks he loses the girl and the chip and tells us his heart was just smashed with a hammer and that he is out of tears....ouch, that was hard to watch.  


So the two hottest guys in my mind are Drew and California Zak neither of which has gotten much time, I expect them to have their coming out party this week.  Can't wait for more drama to unfold.  

My Reasons Are Right; My Reasons Are Right; This Recap Is Simply Out of Sight

In honor of the Soulja Boy rap episode I will go ahead and rap the summary (BTW ABC you may have wanted to research what "Superman That Ho" means before you cast Soulja Boy, let's just say I don't know if Supermanning a Ho is conducive to finding true and everlasting love).

One on One: Brooks
Brooks got the first date; and the date was first rate.
Went to the Hollywood sign; Des you lookin fine.
No No don't go past the road block; would you like to see my &*(&?
My dad moved away and I can cry; I've got this in the bag the other dudes shouldn't even try.

Group Date: Right Reasons Right Reasons I'm Here For You Girl Through All 4 Seasons
Soulja Boy here to teach you to rap; I will be shocked if this isn't crap
Oh no Juan Pablo; Did you just yell Superman that ho?
Mikey and Michael have an obsession with Ben; Almost seems that they might like men
James tried to rhyme like a true meathead; it appears that between the ears he is nothing but dead
Brandon showed his schlong; Did he just get blurred oh man that is wrong
For Will This Should be a great chance; Oh wait nevermind the brother can't dance

One on One: Bryden: Malibu/Camarillo/Ojai
A drive through Malibu with lunch at Neptune's Net; Not a bad day for the Iraq vet
On to an orange grove in Camarillo; Look behind the tree is that jonobeingjono
Des asked Bryden if he liked the cheese brie; And Bryden was left to wonder who is she?
At dinner he showed pictures of a horrible crash; Are you going to eat that or throw it in the trash?
On to the tub oh man this is weird; Is the kiss ever coming as Bryden just leered


Inevitably week one is always a pissing contest to see who has the most baggage, the worst disease, the most neglectful parents or the most devastating injury.  This year is no different there were multiple run away dads, a drug addict mom, Diabetes and a single dad.  Since when did letting someone know how messed up you are become attractive?

Poor Michael G didn't get to finish his story about when his mommy called him about his diabetes because Ben kept interrupting him.  Michael G and Ben this is the Bachelorette not the Bachelor you two looked exactly like Ashlee and Tierra from last season.

In the end we say goodbye to Will (it was good to see the Bachelor/ette getting back to the norm and getting rid of the minorities after week 1); Nick M. (not sure who he was); Robert (back to sign twirling buddy, and FYI I just invented these signs off the freeway we are calling them billboards); Mike R (who?).

Next week looks great as we might get to see the fake fight ABC has been touting and somebody's girlfriend shows up which is always entertainment gold.

Calling On All DESbians the Bachelorette is Back!

I just want to find my knight in Shining Armor

So, the blog has had a two month hiatus since that magical moment when SeanCat got together (I am eagerly awaiting their TV marriage despite the breakup rumors which I know are a media fabrication).  BTW ABC, why not do an eight week season leading up to the marriage where we could watch all of the wedding preparation and crazy hi-jinks that would undoubtedly follow? Call me if you need an EP, I truly believe that JBJP (JonoBeingJonoProductions) would put RSP (Ryan Seacrest Productions) to shame.

Okay, back to the matter at hand America's sweetheart Des chasing that ever-elusive fairy tale with a bunch of creeps.

Let's meet some of the Bachelors:

Ben: Brings his kid to the show, the kid that he apparently had with a friend. Red Flag? Nope it got him the first rose, genius move emotional scarring be damned.  I loved that as soon as he got the rose he starts dishing advice to everyone else..... just be yourself......don't force it.......get time with her.  Great advice, very helpful.

Brad: Brought the wishbone,  who doesn't find animal bones sexy?

Brandon: Flipped his mother's 7 years sober chip to decide whether to audition for the show or go to a birthday party and miraculously it came up with go to the audition.  He then gave the 7 year sober chip to Des to give back to him mom during the hometown dates.  Uh ok, a little intense for my liking.       

Brooks: What is the bachelor/ette without a Mormon.  I wouldn't count him out he was kinda cute with Des with a 2nd hug and Mormons always do well on the show (ie Bentley & Jef).  

Bryden: Iraq war vet, was there any question he wasn't getting a rose on Memorial Day especially after we learned of his affinity for random Iraqi children. 

Chris: Got down on one knee and asked Des if he could tie his shoe ohhhhh, almost got us, we thought you were getting engaged.  It was a decent effort at Bachelorette humor.  

Diogo: Poor poor poor Diogo.  Homey stepped out in shining armor and couldn't even get a rose, and in the end tells us that he has an explosion of love and feelings inside of him.  At least she could pronounce your name Diogo, pronunciation didn't go quite so well for Juan Pablo. 

Juan Pablo: Or is it Janparro, Juanpardo.  So classic and then to help Des pronounce it he tells her to say "who" now Juan Pablo Des followed with Whopablo, oh well he is a hot soccer player which gets you a rose.    

Drew: He is hot, I don't know what else to say at this point, likely frontrunner.

Jonathan: Jonathan the lawyer (coincidence, I think not, he has similar game to myself) offered Des the opportunity to proceed directly to the fantasy suite.  It actually was a cute idea if he didn't take it so seriously and then bring it up 14 more times during the night which got him the pre-rose ceremony boot, a true honor.   

Kasey: Mr. Hashtag.  #howdidhegetarose #douchebag #turningeveryeventintoahashtagissoplayedandissuperlame

Larry: Tried to dip Des and she ripped her dress which caused Larry to obsess about "the dip" all night.  Larry, you are a doctor, why not talk more about your income and less about the dip.  He actually seemed funny, should have got a rose.   

Micah: Designed his own suit and got bounced.  

Mikey:  Gave some real in depth anyalysis "my biggest competition is the remaining guys who don't have a rose."  This guy is smart and has the strategy down, watch out.

Nick R: How does a magician not last week one?  What girl wouldn't want to be a magician's assistant it certainly beats being a SAHM.  

Robert:  Invented directional advertising.  To be honest I'm not sure this is really an invention, but I guess I'll give it to him.     

Will:  Don't hate on Will, if you aren't willing to high five randoms in the street then you are just a glass half empty negative Nancy.   

Zack: Likes to show his naked body and showed up with no shirt.  A word of advice if you are going to try and look cool by jumping off a cliff you need to lose the aqua socks.   Why could he have not made it to the rose ceremony, I so bad wanted to see where Des was going to pin that rose can you imagine the discomfort as she tries to pin it somewhere in his nether regions.   

Should be an exciting season, I personally am a DESbian and can't wait for her to find true love and ABC almost made those fistfights look real.

P.S. For those interested in my fantasy league I drafted Brooks, Micah and Zack.