Find a Soulesmate at farmersonly.com

You Want True Love You Gotta Beef Up Son

So, I've been told that if you want someone to pay attention to you, you have to ignore them to make them really want it.  Hence, I have not been blogging for two weeks....tying to build a little anticipation, I hope I don't disappoint.

Why has the Bachelor never done a red carpet/3 hour premiere?  I thought it was amazing and I could have watched for another 2 hours, easy.

It is great to see that Andi and Josh are happily in love and ready to get married and have babies.  Wait, they broke up the next day?  Noooooooo.  How?  What guy wouldn't want a girl constantly talking over you?  Who wouldn't want a girl that slept with a dude the day before she chose you?  Consider me baffled.

Oh and Nikki is back, could Harrison be chomping more at the bit?  Harrison could barely contain himself and the opportunity to officially destroy Who Pablo.
Harrison: So Nikki did it just suck being with a loser who would not say on national TV that he loved you, even when I insisted that he do so? 
Nikki: No, he is a great guy, we were just different.
Harrison: Oh, I see, so he physically abused you right?
Nikki: No, we were just different.
Harrison: I get it, I get it, he is a cokesnorting sex addict.

Hey Nik, you look a little different.....I approve of the two changes.

I was shocked to see Chris Bukowski in every shot on the red carpet.  No one saw that coming, but where was Elise?

Finally onto the main event, Chris Soules the farmer is finally here.  Oh and he put in some time with Codycode and is lookin fiiiiiiiiiiine (sidebar: how did Money and Codycode not work out?, they seemed like a perfect match).

I for one will never get tired of the farm references, puns and play-on-words it is clever, intelligent, comedy gold.  On that note lets go straight to:

Kaitlyn: You can plow the *&#* out of my field anytime, followed by her insisting on telling a joke about a tight seal, immediately after Chris telling the ladies how serious he is taking this process.  Not to mention she has tats on each elbow.  Ding, ding, ding we have a winner. 

Britt: This girl is hot, why exactly is she on Hollywood Blvd. giving out free hugs?  I did like the idea of giving  free hug coupon to Chris, I give out coupons as gifts all the time and my lady loves it.

Whitney: A fertility nurse whose voice would keep anyone from getting pregnant.   For real that voice is painful.

Ashley I:  Good looking girl, but no way she is moving from Jersey to a farm in Iowa.  

Tara and Jordan: Could someone please get these ladies a drink they seem like they need to loosen up.  These two are definitely here to find true love......or free drinks.

Mackenzie: Has a son named Kale.  Hey this could work, she named her son after produce, what farmer wouldn't appreciate that.  I personally would have went with Arugula.

Tandra: From Utah and named Tandra, go figure.

Michelle: From Utah and cousin of my sister-in-law, got eliminated.  Too bad, I would have really liked an insider for the blog.  Michell, I still would like an interview for the blog, let me know when you want to do it.

Shockingly the two drunks got roses, but my early favorites to take home the bacon (farm reference) are Kelsey, Britt and Megan.   Whatever happens this season promises to be epic as these wonderful ladies try to navigate this maize (farm reference) on their journey to find true love.  

How Do You Expect Me To Buy The Car Without A Test Drive

"Juan Pablo really said that he likes effing Clare, what a pig?"

So, I wonder what I should talk about in this week's blog.  But before we get to the main event (aka "why did you do me gate") let's hit a few of the high and low lights of the final episode.

The episode started with Andi's dad Hy showing some serious thigh.

Nick is super nervous and I was shocked to see him speaking without opening his mouth and looking down everytime he speaks, he never does that, he must have been real nervous.

Josh (and his perfect brows) then show up to meet the fam sans buttons on his shirt.  He starts speaking very rapidly and left me feeling on edge, I can't imagine how Andi's poor mom felt.

Andi then moves on to the last one one one date with @jmurbulldog (yes that is really Josh's twitter handle).  For much of the date her hand is around J Mur's crotch and at one point she exclaims "we've come a lonnnnggggg way".  Now that we know Andi is a slore I think we all know what she meant by that comment.  Josh surprisingly worked in a baseball themed present by giving Andi a baseball card, which I want to make fun of but I must admit it was totes adorbs.

The final one on one date goes to Nick and poor Nick thinks he has this thing on lock because he got in Andi's pants and backless shirt.  This is the way Nick saw the season going 1) Be a dick to the guys; 2) Wear a scarf; 3) Look down a lot; 4) Wear another scarf; 5) Mumble mumble; 6) Farmer's market; 7) Act stalkerish; 8) Bang Andi; 9) Giver he some sand; 10) Get final rose; 11) Propose while looking down and not opening mouth while speaking.  To his credit he got to number 9.

Allow me to make a quick suggestion to ABC (I know your peeps read this blog).  I am growing tired of sending the final contestant home out of an abundance of respect.  We miss two limos showing up and letting the person ramble about how much they love the bachelor/ette only to have their hopes and dreams destroyed on national TV.  I mean, C'mon Andi you just slept with two dudes in a 24 hour span and now you insist on showing some class and giving Nick some respect? At whose expense?  The only ones that suffer from you giving him respect are us.  Can you imagine the Nick meltdown if that happened at the altar, TV gold.

Nick probably never wanted to see a middle aged rich dude as bad as when Andi showed up at his door instead of Neil Lane.  Speaking of Neil Lane, after getting shafted on Juan Pablo's season it looks like he is back in a big way, insisting that his name be inscribed on the box as J Mur popped the question.  

Finally the altar scene, where the true love can finally blossom and flow.  Good old Josh manages to speak even faster than usual he gets in some baseball analogies and a lot of cliches.  As Andi doesn't respond he steps up the speed of his talking and his hair starts to lose form as the sweat starts dripping and finally Andi lets him know that she has loved him from the second he got out of the limo on night one (that's not very shallow). Josh is so pumped that he puts her in a headlock as they engage in some awkward/violent kiss pecking.

Alright enough of the finale, let's get to the main event: After the Final Rose.  Finally after multiple attempts at speaking to Andi, Nick gets his chance at redemption and he did not disappoint.  We finally have someone calling out the bachelor/ette for having relations with them.  Wait a second didn't Clare say that Juan Pablo told her he loved f'ing her, I digress.   So Arie yells at Emily as she gives him the boot, but you just slept with me, oh wait I digress again.

Nick is super sad and hits below the belt (no pun intended) by putting Andi on blast for making love to him and doing fiance things in the fantasy suite with him.  Is anyone else interested in more details of what are "fiance things"?  All I know is is sounds like I need to get engaged again, "fiance things" sounds great.  Nick is clearly a bag, but I don't exactly feel heartbroken for Andi.  If you don't want to look like a slore than don't do slorish things.  BTW if you wanted to get Nick back, the better response would have been, yeah I did make love to you and that's why a picked Josh...zing!

And Josh, really?  I mean really? You have nothing to say on this subject.   You do know that Nick went to the fantasy suite first, right?  About 18 hours before you.  Think about that one for a second.  I guess you got scoreboard though, so its all good.   I get the feeling that Josh couldn't be more pumped to be getting all of this attention, finally out from the shadow of his little brother.

I guess everyone can't be Sean and Catherine.  I am predicting it will be weeks rather than months before Andi and Josh are living here in the City of Angels, but I ain't hating, Andi you are welcome to join NPN law at any time, we may even match that DA salary of $42,500 you were raking in Georgia.
For those of you concerned that the season is over and no blog for awhile, don't forget Bachelor in Paradise begins August 4.  Trust me, there will be plenty of material to blog about from that show.

Andi, if you cared about me this would not have happened /s/ Nick

Men Tell Some

Do you guys want to see me put jelly on my belly?

 Is Pants still crying?

Highlights:

Annoying Ashley getting jellied up for one of the weirdest live moments ever as she got ultrasounded.  ABC, please less Ashley and more Catherine (I will however tune in to see Ashley's baby crown live on ABC).  

Harrison, still not over Juan Pablo....they are still together BTW.

45 minutes of racism analysis is very tedious.  We could have saved 43 minutes if Andrew would have come with....Hey Marquel I am so sorry that I never made a racist comment even though Pants said I might or might not have please accept my apology.

Really another segment on racism because Pants didn't get to speak his mind.  Pants, wipe the tears away and it would be easier for you to be heard. 

Marquel and his love of cookies is soooooo funny, haha lol, he loves cookies, hahaha lolol he has a cookie patch on his jacket.

In case you haven't heard ABC has a new show "Bachelor in Paradise"

In case you haven't heard Chris is the next Bachelor.

The mysterious random girl who just happened to want to date Chris, just happened to be mic'd up.

Andi is pregnant with Josh's baby.  You can deny it all you want Andi, but I am counting the days and when you miraculously have a baby in 8 months the truth will be out.

Josh is a liar...I am so shocked.  

Someone wrote Andi a letter.  What could it be?  The secret admirer has been eliminated, it can't be him.  Desiree's fake fiance isn't on this season so it can't be a poem.  I'm not sure Josh would know how to write such a thick letter so I am going with Nick breaking Andi's heart. 

It's been an exciting season, see you all at my house on Monday for the finale, who knows maybe Harrison and Andi will crash the party. 



 

If Respecting Me Means No Fantasy Suite Than I Don't Want Nor Deserve Your Respect

Obvi, otherwise I wouldn't have spent the whole night talking, on back to back nights.

We all know that the last time Andi went to a fantasy suite that it did not go well (Juan Pablo).  My advice to the men before we start, do not drop the names of any celebrities and DO NOT utter the work "okay".  If you can follow these two rules you are likely to find "true love" with Andi in the fantasy suite. 

Nick:
Boy could Marcus have taken some notes from Nick.  You don't drop the L bomb on the first group date and every date thereafter.  You wait until the moment before the fantasy suite drop the L bomb and then you get to "talk" all night with Andi.  It's simple.  

Josh:
These poor Dominican kids are trying to get to the league.  They sacrifice everything, they play baseball with milk carton gloves and bottle caps.  The last thing they need is a career .213 hitter trying to give them tips on how to play, you are just making it worse.  Why would anyone think Josh is cock or insincere?  He seems like the perfect gentleman to me.  I mean did you not see how he treated Andi when they ended up in the pool at the end of the night, admiration at its purest.     

Chris:
Great quote from Chris "I just loved when we were in the tractor and you hopped in my lap and went to town."  I bet.  Not to mention the way she used that stick shift to change gears was amazing.  Chris needs to stop playing ghost in the graveyard or any other night game with Andi, she doesn't deserve it.  I mean she counted normal, we all know it goes on 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock rock and when you get to 12 you yell midnight, what a rookie.  Despite Chris being handsome, successful, nice, funny, sincere, sexy, thoughful, smart, wealthy and from a perfect family Andi decides not to disrespect him by taking him to the fantasy suite.  I don't know how to break this to you ladies but guys don't feel disrespected when you take them to a fantasy suite to have se....true love talks all night.  If you respected Chris you would have given him the fantasy suite and then sent him home.  Chris of course handled his departure perfectly therein sealing his fate as the next Bachelor.

Random Thoughts:
Could the two seaweed hearts in the ocean have been any cuter?
Why does Andi often have her mouth agape?
What, you can't wear a scarf in the D.R.?
Is it a little bizarre that if Josh wins he can marry Andi and they can then follow his brother Andy around.  If he yells out Andiy in a moment of passion will there ever be a question as to who he is referring to?

I can't wait for the finale, Andi is certain to find true love.  My money is on Josh but either way I'm sure it will restore and renew my belief in true and everlasting love. 

Immediate Opening For a Homemaker

But I Told You I Love You  A Lot Of Times

Hometown week is almost always one of the best weeks of the season.  This year's version was pretty good, but where was the crazy sibling or parent?  Without a Desiree's brother the week was a little lacking.

Nick:
Eleven kids, but not Mormon?  I am a bit confused.  I am shocked to see Nick wearing a scarf, we haven't seen many scarves this season.  So, Nick was engaged and the girl broke it off, have we thought of finding out why?  Nothing really of note, other than Nick still can't tell Andi he loves her (smart strategy IMO).

Chris:
This guy just sealed it, next Bachelor guaranteed.  Think about it.  There is a reason CBS comedies with ridiculous laugh tracks have such high ratings...middle America.  Think of the ratings for a farmer searching for a conservative young women to be the farmer's wife and to accept the job position of homemaker.  It's going to happen and I am going to love it.  Chris did have an amazing family, and who doesn't love his mom.  If you want to see real v. fake, look at Chris and his family playing a legitimate ghost in the graveyard versus the most lame/fake game of football that the Murrays played in their backyard.  It's an easy decision Andi, but one I don't think you will make.

(Anneli, I am hungry, did I mention that I have an immediate opening for a homemaker?  You are extremely qualified and you can start now.)

Josh:
So we learn that Josh M. is the brother of none other than Georgia quarterback Andy (not Andi) Murray.  Could Andi have been any more jealous that the talk was all about Andy's NFL potential instead of her quest for love?  Two things I knew would happen on this date A) We would end up at Josh's childhood baseball field (check) and B) We would end up watching a lame game of football with future pro quarterback Andy Murray (check).

Marcus:
So I'm sure Andi couldn't wait to meet the brother that Marcus hated and the mother that beat him.  This coupled with the fact that Marcus told Andi he was in love with her on the first group date and every date/hangout thereafter would indicate that he may have some issues.  Marcus decides to start the date off with a frontal blur, that is generally a good idea, but for some reason it didn't work here and he gets the axe.     








        

Why No Blog Last Week?...The ??? Post

Can You Believe I Still Here?

Each season I like to dedicate a weekly summary to nothing but ???...Sorry no answers from me, you can provide the answers (preferably in the comment section of facebook so everyone can see how many readers I have)

Now to the questions....

Why was there no blog last week?  Isn't this your job?  Didn't you find the fact that Josh quit baseball so he could get married not because his career minor league batting average was .213 funny enough to blog?

One on One: Nick
Do you not get along with the guys because you are a dick or just super confident of your love?  When are you going to start being nice to Cody?

Group Date: Lie Detector Test
Can you get diarrhea from not washing your hands?  Can you get disease like symptoms from admitting to having slept with more than 20 women?  How do you get a rose after crapping yourself?  Is there any chance that the guy who lied three times wasn't Josh?  Has Andi ever FOUGHT in public?  Why is Josh talking so fast? and getting so agro over the lie test?  Could it be becaue he is not here for the right reasons?  Does anyone else miss the right reasons rap from Des' season?     

One on One Cody:
How did Cody change his perception from an idiot meathead to Sean Lowe Jr. in 7 minutes?  Could he be more sincere? and upbeat?  Could he wear a deeper V?  Did Andi wear pants on this date?  Are those pants or are we about to meet virginia?  Did pants give Andi those pants?  Did pants get sent home due to giving Andi poor pants advice?

Rose Ceremony:
Is that side boob? 


 

I'll Make Love To You....as long as you don't call me an actress.

I AM NOT AN ACTRESS!

I had good intentions of going with two posts this week but like the 5 of Hearts I failed.   So let's just pretend it was a four hour episode. 

One on One: Nick

Nick and Andi have dinner at the SB Courthouse and not to be “that guy”, but I just happen to be a regular at the SB Courthouse and I just happen to have numerous 7 figure lawsuits pending at the SB Courthouse, no big deal (if you or a loved one has been injured while visiting Santa Barbara please call 855-NPNLAW1 for your free consultation).  Nick and Andi make out no real surprises, they love each other and he is a big favorite right now.   

Group Date: I'll Make Love To You (sings Tasos to all of the dudes)

This group date just happens to be one of my life’s biggest regrets.  Let’s just say I had notice and the opportunity to be present at the Boyz II Men performance and for some unknown reason I did not make it happen.  I really can’t explain why...no my child was not being born, so I can’t think of another adequate reason, other than I straight messed up.

Shockingly, none of the dudes can sing (not even Bradley) and make a mockery of one of my favorite groups of all time.  This date was so ridiculous that it was almost the end of the road for me, but it's so hard to say goodbye to such a great show so I'll keep watching.

Oh and how classic was it when Josh was cradling Tasos as Tasos serenaded him with I'll make love to you, yeah Tasos we know.    

One on One: Panstaprenuer

Pants shows up and learns that he will spend the next four hours in a chair being made into an 80 year old pedophile.  I was pantsy with panticipation to see how the public was going to receive these two old lovebirds.  I hope no one pantaganizes them.  Sure enough Pants and Andi had some crazy pantics planned....making out........taking selfies......playing football, hilarious (actually the football was pretty funny). 

    

Cocktail Party Drama:

Pants decides to let Josh in on a little secret about Andrew and his wandering eyes and his ability to get girls' digits.  Josh is just disgusted by this and he and Pants chase Andrew up the stairs.  Surprisingly someone hasn't run to taddle yet.   Not surprisingly Bradley and Brett are gone. 

One on One: Dylan

I usually love clowning on the contestant who can't wait to unload their baggage in a weak attempt at getting a pity rose.  However, it is a bit hard to clown a dude who lost his brother and sister to drugs.  Give him the non pity rose and bounce him next week.  Too boring, too much baggage and hair too wet all of the time.   

Group Date: Basketball

I guess it's time to alienate 95% of my readership.  I think the WNBA game was fake.  Admittedly many of the dudes were bad, but no way the WNBA's were dominating like that.  ABC, I personally would play any WNBA player one on one: I win I get a one one one date with Harrison, I lose I will donate $5,000 to whatever your latest stripper charity is.   

I thought the boys basketball game was hilarious.  I gotta give Brian props for his block on Chris, I want a poster of that.   Why is Josh so horrible, isn't he a former pro athlete?

 
One on One: Marcus
you can do it, trust me, you can do it, look at me, don't look down, i'm here for you, trust me, don't worry, I am here, look at me, trust me, don't look down just trust me, i'm here, you are ok i've got you, trust me, we can get through this together, together we can do this, trust me, trust me, we can do this blah blah blah blah blah.  It happens every season, do something scary, pretend like you can't do it and rely on the other person to help you through the ordeal.

What was with the weird dancing on a platform above 225 leering women at a bizarre county event at an Indian Casino?  Not a single dude in the audience?  There was a point where 3 of the women were just melting with how in love they were.....really weird.

Cocktail Party: 
I am going to bypass summarizing the cocktail party in honor of Eric.