Men Tell Some

Do you guys want to see me put jelly on my belly?

 Is Pants still crying?

Highlights:

Annoying Ashley getting jellied up for one of the weirdest live moments ever as she got ultrasounded.  ABC, please less Ashley and more Catherine (I will however tune in to see Ashley's baby crown live on ABC).  

Harrison, still not over Juan Pablo....they are still together BTW.

45 minutes of racism analysis is very tedious.  We could have saved 43 minutes if Andrew would have come with....Hey Marquel I am so sorry that I never made a racist comment even though Pants said I might or might not have please accept my apology.

Really another segment on racism because Pants didn't get to speak his mind.  Pants, wipe the tears away and it would be easier for you to be heard. 

Marquel and his love of cookies is soooooo funny, haha lol, he loves cookies, hahaha lolol he has a cookie patch on his jacket.

In case you haven't heard ABC has a new show "Bachelor in Paradise"

In case you haven't heard Chris is the next Bachelor.

The mysterious random girl who just happened to want to date Chris, just happened to be mic'd up.

Andi is pregnant with Josh's baby.  You can deny it all you want Andi, but I am counting the days and when you miraculously have a baby in 8 months the truth will be out.

Josh is a liar...I am so shocked.  

Someone wrote Andi a letter.  What could it be?  The secret admirer has been eliminated, it can't be him.  Desiree's fake fiance isn't on this season so it can't be a poem.  I'm not sure Josh would know how to write such a thick letter so I am going with Nick breaking Andi's heart. 

It's been an exciting season, see you all at my house on Monday for the finale, who knows maybe Harrison and Andi will crash the party. 



 

If Respecting Me Means No Fantasy Suite Than I Don't Want Nor Deserve Your Respect

Obvi, otherwise I wouldn't have spent the whole night talking, on back to back nights.

We all know that the last time Andi went to a fantasy suite that it did not go well (Juan Pablo).  My advice to the men before we start, do not drop the names of any celebrities and DO NOT utter the work "okay".  If you can follow these two rules you are likely to find "true love" with Andi in the fantasy suite. 

Nick:
Boy could Marcus have taken some notes from Nick.  You don't drop the L bomb on the first group date and every date thereafter.  You wait until the moment before the fantasy suite drop the L bomb and then you get to "talk" all night with Andi.  It's simple.  

Josh:
These poor Dominican kids are trying to get to the league.  They sacrifice everything, they play baseball with milk carton gloves and bottle caps.  The last thing they need is a career .213 hitter trying to give them tips on how to play, you are just making it worse.  Why would anyone think Josh is cock or insincere?  He seems like the perfect gentleman to me.  I mean did you not see how he treated Andi when they ended up in the pool at the end of the night, admiration at its purest.     

Chris:
Great quote from Chris "I just loved when we were in the tractor and you hopped in my lap and went to town."  I bet.  Not to mention the way she used that stick shift to change gears was amazing.  Chris needs to stop playing ghost in the graveyard or any other night game with Andi, she doesn't deserve it.  I mean she counted normal, we all know it goes on 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock rock and when you get to 12 you yell midnight, what a rookie.  Despite Chris being handsome, successful, nice, funny, sincere, sexy, thoughful, smart, wealthy and from a perfect family Andi decides not to disrespect him by taking him to the fantasy suite.  I don't know how to break this to you ladies but guys don't feel disrespected when you take them to a fantasy suite to have se....true love talks all night.  If you respected Chris you would have given him the fantasy suite and then sent him home.  Chris of course handled his departure perfectly therein sealing his fate as the next Bachelor.

Random Thoughts:
Could the two seaweed hearts in the ocean have been any cuter?
Why does Andi often have her mouth agape?
What, you can't wear a scarf in the D.R.?
Is it a little bizarre that if Josh wins he can marry Andi and they can then follow his brother Andy around.  If he yells out Andiy in a moment of passion will there ever be a question as to who he is referring to?

I can't wait for the finale, Andi is certain to find true love.  My money is on Josh but either way I'm sure it will restore and renew my belief in true and everlasting love. 

Immediate Opening For a Homemaker

But I Told You I Love You  A Lot Of Times

Hometown week is almost always one of the best weeks of the season.  This year's version was pretty good, but where was the crazy sibling or parent?  Without a Desiree's brother the week was a little lacking.

Nick:
Eleven kids, but not Mormon?  I am a bit confused.  I am shocked to see Nick wearing a scarf, we haven't seen many scarves this season.  So, Nick was engaged and the girl broke it off, have we thought of finding out why?  Nothing really of note, other than Nick still can't tell Andi he loves her (smart strategy IMO).

Chris:
This guy just sealed it, next Bachelor guaranteed.  Think about it.  There is a reason CBS comedies with ridiculous laugh tracks have such high ratings...middle America.  Think of the ratings for a farmer searching for a conservative young women to be the farmer's wife and to accept the job position of homemaker.  It's going to happen and I am going to love it.  Chris did have an amazing family, and who doesn't love his mom.  If you want to see real v. fake, look at Chris and his family playing a legitimate ghost in the graveyard versus the most lame/fake game of football that the Murrays played in their backyard.  It's an easy decision Andi, but one I don't think you will make.

(Anneli, I am hungry, did I mention that I have an immediate opening for a homemaker?  You are extremely qualified and you can start now.)

Josh:
So we learn that Josh M. is the brother of none other than Georgia quarterback Andy (not Andi) Murray.  Could Andi have been any more jealous that the talk was all about Andy's NFL potential instead of her quest for love?  Two things I knew would happen on this date A) We would end up at Josh's childhood baseball field (check) and B) We would end up watching a lame game of football with future pro quarterback Andy Murray (check).

Marcus:
So I'm sure Andi couldn't wait to meet the brother that Marcus hated and the mother that beat him.  This coupled with the fact that Marcus told Andi he was in love with her on the first group date and every date/hangout thereafter would indicate that he may have some issues.  Marcus decides to start the date off with a frontal blur, that is generally a good idea, but for some reason it didn't work here and he gets the axe.     








        

Why No Blog Last Week?...The ??? Post

Can You Believe I Still Here?

Each season I like to dedicate a weekly summary to nothing but ???...Sorry no answers from me, you can provide the answers (preferably in the comment section of facebook so everyone can see how many readers I have)

Now to the questions....

Why was there no blog last week?  Isn't this your job?  Didn't you find the fact that Josh quit baseball so he could get married not because his career minor league batting average was .213 funny enough to blog?

One on One: Nick
Do you not get along with the guys because you are a dick or just super confident of your love?  When are you going to start being nice to Cody?

Group Date: Lie Detector Test
Can you get diarrhea from not washing your hands?  Can you get disease like symptoms from admitting to having slept with more than 20 women?  How do you get a rose after crapping yourself?  Is there any chance that the guy who lied three times wasn't Josh?  Has Andi ever FOUGHT in public?  Why is Josh talking so fast? and getting so agro over the lie test?  Could it be becaue he is not here for the right reasons?  Does anyone else miss the right reasons rap from Des' season?     

One on One Cody:
How did Cody change his perception from an idiot meathead to Sean Lowe Jr. in 7 minutes?  Could he be more sincere? and upbeat?  Could he wear a deeper V?  Did Andi wear pants on this date?  Are those pants or are we about to meet virginia?  Did pants give Andi those pants?  Did pants get sent home due to giving Andi poor pants advice?

Rose Ceremony:
Is that side boob? 


 

I'll Make Love To You....as long as you don't call me an actress.

I AM NOT AN ACTRESS!

I had good intentions of going with two posts this week but like the 5 of Hearts I failed.   So let's just pretend it was a four hour episode. 

One on One: Nick

Nick and Andi have dinner at the SB Courthouse and not to be “that guy”, but I just happen to be a regular at the SB Courthouse and I just happen to have numerous 7 figure lawsuits pending at the SB Courthouse, no big deal (if you or a loved one has been injured while visiting Santa Barbara please call 855-NPNLAW1 for your free consultation).  Nick and Andi make out no real surprises, they love each other and he is a big favorite right now.   

Group Date: I'll Make Love To You (sings Tasos to all of the dudes)

This group date just happens to be one of my life’s biggest regrets.  Let’s just say I had notice and the opportunity to be present at the Boyz II Men performance and for some unknown reason I did not make it happen.  I really can’t explain why...no my child was not being born, so I can’t think of another adequate reason, other than I straight messed up.

Shockingly, none of the dudes can sing (not even Bradley) and make a mockery of one of my favorite groups of all time.  This date was so ridiculous that it was almost the end of the road for me, but it's so hard to say goodbye to such a great show so I'll keep watching.

Oh and how classic was it when Josh was cradling Tasos as Tasos serenaded him with I'll make love to you, yeah Tasos we know.    

One on One: Panstaprenuer

Pants shows up and learns that he will spend the next four hours in a chair being made into an 80 year old pedophile.  I was pantsy with panticipation to see how the public was going to receive these two old lovebirds.  I hope no one pantaganizes them.  Sure enough Pants and Andi had some crazy pantics planned....making out........taking selfies......playing football, hilarious (actually the football was pretty funny). 

    

Cocktail Party Drama:

Pants decides to let Josh in on a little secret about Andrew and his wandering eyes and his ability to get girls' digits.  Josh is just disgusted by this and he and Pants chase Andrew up the stairs.  Surprisingly someone hasn't run to taddle yet.   Not surprisingly Bradley and Brett are gone. 

One on One: Dylan

I usually love clowning on the contestant who can't wait to unload their baggage in a weak attempt at getting a pity rose.  However, it is a bit hard to clown a dude who lost his brother and sister to drugs.  Give him the non pity rose and bounce him next week.  Too boring, too much baggage and hair too wet all of the time.   

Group Date: Basketball

I guess it's time to alienate 95% of my readership.  I think the WNBA game was fake.  Admittedly many of the dudes were bad, but no way the WNBA's were dominating like that.  ABC, I personally would play any WNBA player one on one: I win I get a one one one date with Harrison, I lose I will donate $5,000 to whatever your latest stripper charity is.   

I thought the boys basketball game was hilarious.  I gotta give Brian props for his block on Chris, I want a poster of that.   Why is Josh so horrible, isn't he a former pro athlete?

 
One on One: Marcus
you can do it, trust me, you can do it, look at me, don't look down, i'm here for you, trust me, don't worry, I am here, look at me, trust me, don't look down just trust me, i'm here, you are ok i've got you, trust me, we can get through this together, together we can do this, trust me, trust me, we can do this blah blah blah blah blah.  It happens every season, do something scary, pretend like you can't do it and rely on the other person to help you through the ordeal.

What was with the weird dancing on a platform above 225 leering women at a bizarre county event at an Indian Casino?  Not a single dude in the audience?  There was a point where 3 of the women were just melting with how in love they were.....really weird.

Cocktail Party: 
I am going to bypass summarizing the cocktail party in honor of Eric. 

The Bachelor Gives Back

Let's Get Crunk!

Finally, the dating begins.  There is no better way to see how a guy will act in the real world than going on some normal everyday dates and we all know a good time is coming once charity gets involved.

One on One: Eric
Who hasn't started a date at the beach followed by a helicopter ride to go snowboarding followed by a nightcap in a beautiful cabin?  We learn that Eric is now cool with getting married because a lot of his friends have gotten married and they are still cool and their lives aren't over (perhaps he was thinking of JBJ readers Canon and Kristen, you guys made a great impression on him!)  Did anyone else find Eric talking about near death in Syria a little eery?

Group Date: Stripping For A Cause
Before I break down the group date I would like to announce that my wife is going to be out of town on Thursday and I will be hosting a charity event at the house.  If you are a local stripper or female with so/so morals who likes to make your community better please be at my house with your favorite g-string.  All the money I donate will be returned to me to give to my favorite charity "jonobeingjono gives back".  Nevermind that I take a salary for running jonobeingjono and none of the money actually goes to charity just focus on twerking. 

I must say this date was a brilliant idea to flush out the large percentage of dudes who may or may not be interested in participating in a Bachelorette/Brokeback marathon.  Bingo, right on queue Craig goes gaga over Josh's beautiful face and chest and Tasos is there a reason your speedo is growing and our final victim hairdresser Brett sure seems to have a wandering eye.  Well, that takes care of three potential husbands.

The nightcap ended with a serious record scratch with Craig getting totally wasted and jumping in the pool with Nick S (Nick if you are shocked at why you got sent packing look no further than the moment you decided to jump in the pool with drunk/gay Craig).  

One on One: Chris
Chris is straight adorable.  He meets up with Andi at the horse races and compares himself to Pretty Woman.  I'm not sure I get the comparison, who is the prostitute and didn't Pretty Woman have a no kiss on the lips rule?  It was a beautiful night and I can see the love blossoming.

Cocktail Party:
Josh lets Andi know that he hasn't dated a girl in 5 years.  Why do hot people always try to play the I haven't had a date in X amount of years card?  Cassandra played that card last year and no one believes it.  I'm sure Andi immediately thought oh poor Josh he can't find a girl who would go out on a date with him, I'll date him.

In the end Carl, Craig and Nick S get the boot.  Many were surprised by Carl, but not me, the sheer number of tats he exposed when he took his shirt off for charity spelled the end for him.  Craig and Nick took a drunk swim together and then had to take the walk of shame off the show together. 

This Blog Is Better Than Chris Bukowski's

Can't Blame Chris For Waiting Outside For a Week to Meet Her

Time to come clean, I've always been an Andi fan and this will undoubtedly be the most magical, dramatic, sensual, exciting season ever.

Let's get started:

1. Should I be an annoying lawyer?  Why not.  Do we really need this overly lame courtroom scene?  Anybody notice that there was no client, no opposing counsel, no bailiff, no clerk, no one in the Courtroom when Andi was working her magic.  Andi it is a lot easier to get what you want from a judge with no one opposing you, not to mention a one on one conversation with a judge out of the presence of opposing counsel is what we call an ex parte communication which is not only illegal but could put you and that judge's licenses in jeopardy.

2. Brett.  You are a gay hairdresser with a mullet that stole a lamp from the hotel in an attempt to impress Andi.  It worked she gave you a rose.  ABC you are making it hard for me to try and convince people that this is real when you keep guys like this around.

3. Eric.  I'm not going to speak ill of the dead (SPOILER ALERT), but I do want to know about his occupation as an "explorer".  I thought that occupation left with Magellan and Ponce De Leon, but apparently not.  My career counselors failed me. 

4. Tasos.  This guy is a wedding event coordinator, wow, I can't believe that.  I was also shocked to see him pull the lover's bridge lock out, so adorable.  Did someone let him know that Andi is not short for Andrew and that this is not The Bachelor. 

5. Bradley.  He is an opera singer and Andi said he is "worldly" so classic.  I was going to say that he definitely has "mundo".  I would pay good money to see him and Sharleen make out. 

6. Cody.  Push the limo up the driveway, classic meathead move, James would be so proud.  Guarantee that by week five he will be talking about how he is going to be the next Bachelor and that when he gets back home he is going to hook up with Dylan and hook up with some rich chicks on a boat.

7. Jason.  So clever announcing you are an MD and that you can diagnose someone just by looking at them followed by a lame you have a fever because you are hot, heeeyyyyo.  Jason I am no Dr. but if I were to diagnose you I would say you have a UTI because you are a douchebag.

8. Marcus and Patrick both played alleged professional soccer.  Ummmm, memo to ABC Casting, Andi hates international soccer players...essss ok ring a bell.

9.  I must say I was surprised by the love affair going on between Andrew and Patrick they definitely got each other's first impression rose.  I saw a male love affair coming but I thought it was going to be Brett and Tasos, boy was I wrong.

10. Josh B, yes you did embarass yourself, with your afterspeech.  We had not seen you yet and had no idea who you were, just slip out and no harm done, but instead you decided to go all expletive on the afterspeech, embarassing.

11. Chris Bukowski, are you serious?  Did you really head up to Malibu and pitch a tent outside the Bachelor mansion for the last week,, hoping for the chance to meet Andi?  How did this guy make final four with Emily?  How did this guy sleep with two chicks on the same day on Bachelor Pad?  How did this guy get a bachelor/ette recap blog?  Lots of intriguing questions.  

12. J.J. is a pantsaprenuer.  I used to be a pizzaprenuer when I worked at Papa John's.

13. Rudie.  You aren't helping us barristers to look cool.  Did I see you give Andi a laminated "4th waiver" of the right to find out your story, gag.  Not surprised that you are a defense lawyer, borrring.  I hope to see you sometime in a trial.  

14. Josh M. Hot. 

15. Apparently it is better to have receding hair like Nick S. than long hair like Mike, Steven and Jason (all voted out).

Should be a good one, my early favorites Nick V., Marcus and Brian