I'll Make Love To You....as long as you don't call me an actress.

I AM NOT AN ACTRESS!

I had good intentions of going with two posts this week but like the 5 of Hearts I failed.   So let's just pretend it was a four hour episode. 

One on One: Nick

Nick and Andi have dinner at the SB Courthouse and not to be “that guy”, but I just happen to be a regular at the SB Courthouse and I just happen to have numerous 7 figure lawsuits pending at the SB Courthouse, no big deal (if you or a loved one has been injured while visiting Santa Barbara please call 855-NPNLAW1 for your free consultation).  Nick and Andi make out no real surprises, they love each other and he is a big favorite right now.   

Group Date: I'll Make Love To You (sings Tasos to all of the dudes)

This group date just happens to be one of my life’s biggest regrets.  Let’s just say I had notice and the opportunity to be present at the Boyz II Men performance and for some unknown reason I did not make it happen.  I really can’t explain why...no my child was not being born, so I can’t think of another adequate reason, other than I straight messed up.

Shockingly, none of the dudes can sing (not even Bradley) and make a mockery of one of my favorite groups of all time.  This date was so ridiculous that it was almost the end of the road for me, but it's so hard to say goodbye to such a great show so I'll keep watching.

Oh and how classic was it when Josh was cradling Tasos as Tasos serenaded him with I'll make love to you, yeah Tasos we know.    

One on One: Panstaprenuer

Pants shows up and learns that he will spend the next four hours in a chair being made into an 80 year old pedophile.  I was pantsy with panticipation to see how the public was going to receive these two old lovebirds.  I hope no one pantaganizes them.  Sure enough Pants and Andi had some crazy pantics planned....making out........taking selfies......playing football, hilarious (actually the football was pretty funny). 

    

Cocktail Party Drama:

Pants decides to let Josh in on a little secret about Andrew and his wandering eyes and his ability to get girls' digits.  Josh is just disgusted by this and he and Pants chase Andrew up the stairs.  Surprisingly someone hasn't run to taddle yet.   Not surprisingly Bradley and Brett are gone. 

One on One: Dylan

I usually love clowning on the contestant who can't wait to unload their baggage in a weak attempt at getting a pity rose.  However, it is a bit hard to clown a dude who lost his brother and sister to drugs.  Give him the non pity rose and bounce him next week.  Too boring, too much baggage and hair too wet all of the time.   

Group Date: Basketball

I guess it's time to alienate 95% of my readership.  I think the WNBA game was fake.  Admittedly many of the dudes were bad, but no way the WNBA's were dominating like that.  ABC, I personally would play any WNBA player one on one: I win I get a one one one date with Harrison, I lose I will donate $5,000 to whatever your latest stripper charity is.   

I thought the boys basketball game was hilarious.  I gotta give Brian props for his block on Chris, I want a poster of that.   Why is Josh so horrible, isn't he a former pro athlete?

 
One on One: Marcus
you can do it, trust me, you can do it, look at me, don't look down, i'm here for you, trust me, don't worry, I am here, look at me, trust me, don't look down just trust me, i'm here, you are ok i've got you, trust me, we can get through this together, together we can do this, trust me, trust me, we can do this blah blah blah blah blah.  It happens every season, do something scary, pretend like you can't do it and rely on the other person to help you through the ordeal.

What was with the weird dancing on a platform above 225 leering women at a bizarre county event at an Indian Casino?  Not a single dude in the audience?  There was a point where 3 of the women were just melting with how in love they were.....really weird.

Cocktail Party: 
I am going to bypass summarizing the cocktail party in honor of Eric. 

The Bachelor Gives Back

Let's Get Crunk!

Finally, the dating begins.  There is no better way to see how a guy will act in the real world than going on some normal everyday dates and we all know a good time is coming once charity gets involved.

One on One: Eric
Who hasn't started a date at the beach followed by a helicopter ride to go snowboarding followed by a nightcap in a beautiful cabin?  We learn that Eric is now cool with getting married because a lot of his friends have gotten married and they are still cool and their lives aren't over (perhaps he was thinking of JBJ readers Canon and Kristen, you guys made a great impression on him!)  Did anyone else find Eric talking about near death in Syria a little eery?

Group Date: Stripping For A Cause
Before I break down the group date I would like to announce that my wife is going to be out of town on Thursday and I will be hosting a charity event at the house.  If you are a local stripper or female with so/so morals who likes to make your community better please be at my house with your favorite g-string.  All the money I donate will be returned to me to give to my favorite charity "jonobeingjono gives back".  Nevermind that I take a salary for running jonobeingjono and none of the money actually goes to charity just focus on twerking. 

I must say this date was a brilliant idea to flush out the large percentage of dudes who may or may not be interested in participating in a Bachelorette/Brokeback marathon.  Bingo, right on queue Craig goes gaga over Josh's beautiful face and chest and Tasos is there a reason your speedo is growing and our final victim hairdresser Brett sure seems to have a wandering eye.  Well, that takes care of three potential husbands.

The nightcap ended with a serious record scratch with Craig getting totally wasted and jumping in the pool with Nick S (Nick if you are shocked at why you got sent packing look no further than the moment you decided to jump in the pool with drunk/gay Craig).  

One on One: Chris
Chris is straight adorable.  He meets up with Andi at the horse races and compares himself to Pretty Woman.  I'm not sure I get the comparison, who is the prostitute and didn't Pretty Woman have a no kiss on the lips rule?  It was a beautiful night and I can see the love blossoming.

Cocktail Party:
Josh lets Andi know that he hasn't dated a girl in 5 years.  Why do hot people always try to play the I haven't had a date in X amount of years card?  Cassandra played that card last year and no one believes it.  I'm sure Andi immediately thought oh poor Josh he can't find a girl who would go out on a date with him, I'll date him.

In the end Carl, Craig and Nick S get the boot.  Many were surprised by Carl, but not me, the sheer number of tats he exposed when he took his shirt off for charity spelled the end for him.  Craig and Nick took a drunk swim together and then had to take the walk of shame off the show together. 

This Blog Is Better Than Chris Bukowski's

Can't Blame Chris For Waiting Outside For a Week to Meet Her

Time to come clean, I've always been an Andi fan and this will undoubtedly be the most magical, dramatic, sensual, exciting season ever.

Let's get started:

1. Should I be an annoying lawyer?  Why not.  Do we really need this overly lame courtroom scene?  Anybody notice that there was no client, no opposing counsel, no bailiff, no clerk, no one in the Courtroom when Andi was working her magic.  Andi it is a lot easier to get what you want from a judge with no one opposing you, not to mention a one on one conversation with a judge out of the presence of opposing counsel is what we call an ex parte communication which is not only illegal but could put you and that judge's licenses in jeopardy.

2. Brett.  You are a gay hairdresser with a mullet that stole a lamp from the hotel in an attempt to impress Andi.  It worked she gave you a rose.  ABC you are making it hard for me to try and convince people that this is real when you keep guys like this around.

3. Eric.  I'm not going to speak ill of the dead (SPOILER ALERT), but I do want to know about his occupation as an "explorer".  I thought that occupation left with Magellan and Ponce De Leon, but apparently not.  My career counselors failed me. 

4. Tasos.  This guy is a wedding event coordinator, wow, I can't believe that.  I was also shocked to see him pull the lover's bridge lock out, so adorable.  Did someone let him know that Andi is not short for Andrew and that this is not The Bachelor. 

5. Bradley.  He is an opera singer and Andi said he is "worldly" so classic.  I was going to say that he definitely has "mundo".  I would pay good money to see him and Sharleen make out. 

6. Cody.  Push the limo up the driveway, classic meathead move, James would be so proud.  Guarantee that by week five he will be talking about how he is going to be the next Bachelor and that when he gets back home he is going to hook up with Dylan and hook up with some rich chicks on a boat.

7. Jason.  So clever announcing you are an MD and that you can diagnose someone just by looking at them followed by a lame you have a fever because you are hot, heeeyyyyo.  Jason I am no Dr. but if I were to diagnose you I would say you have a UTI because you are a douchebag.

8. Marcus and Patrick both played alleged professional soccer.  Ummmm, memo to ABC Casting, Andi hates international soccer players...essss ok ring a bell.

9.  I must say I was surprised by the love affair going on between Andrew and Patrick they definitely got each other's first impression rose.  I saw a male love affair coming but I thought it was going to be Brett and Tasos, boy was I wrong.

10. Josh B, yes you did embarass yourself, with your afterspeech.  We had not seen you yet and had no idea who you were, just slip out and no harm done, but instead you decided to go all expletive on the afterspeech, embarassing.

11. Chris Bukowski, are you serious?  Did you really head up to Malibu and pitch a tent outside the Bachelor mansion for the last week,, hoping for the chance to meet Andi?  How did this guy make final four with Emily?  How did this guy sleep with two chicks on the same day on Bachelor Pad?  How did this guy get a bachelor/ette recap blog?  Lots of intriguing questions.  

12. J.J. is a pantsaprenuer.  I used to be a pizzaprenuer when I worked at Papa John's.

13. Rudie.  You aren't helping us barristers to look cool.  Did I see you give Andi a laminated "4th waiver" of the right to find out your story, gag.  Not surprised that you are a defense lawyer, borrring.  I hope to see you sometime in a trial.  

14. Josh M. Hot. 

15. Apparently it is better to have receding hair like Nick S. than long hair like Mike, Steven and Jason (all voted out).

Should be a good one, my early favorites Nick V., Marcus and Brian

Hey Harrison....You Mad Bro?

I Love Talking You and I Love Hugging You

Worst season ever.  Juan Pablo just set back any Latino's chance at finding true love at least 15 years.  I'm sure Harrison has warned all casting directors that they are not even to interview any with an accent or a z in their last name.  Any dreams I have harbored of having my 25% Latino son becoming a future Bachelor went out the window the second Juan was lured into the ocean by that crazy temptress, Clare.

Alright, I will concede that JP was a serious bolsa de douche but I must give him credit for not giving into ABC's love mandate.  ABC, you gave him the worst cast of women in the history of the show, what do you want him to do....pretend to be in love like Brad and Emily, or Emily and Jef, or Ali and Roberto, or Des and Chris (still pretending), or Ben and Courtney, or Jake and Vienna only to break up immediately after ATFR.  JP and Nikki already have more time together than Brad/Emily, Ben/Courtney and Jake/Vienna combined.

ABC knew they had to turn on JP the second he said gays are "more pervert" and ratings went in the tank.   JP was pissed off because of all the people writing things about him on "the computer" (JP is that like when my four year old calls the internet "the dot.com").  I just love writing these weekly computer posts and posting them on the computer.

We knew there was trouble brewing when prior to the altar scene there was no heart to heart with Juan and Harrison chopping it up.  And we knew we were headed for a disaster when they went straight to JP awaiting the girls at the altar rather than the obligatory Neil Lane promo/product placement.   Neil are you cool with them just dropping your name without giving you a full 15 minute segment?  I hope you got a big discount on your marketing budget.     

Harrison announces that during ATFR all of our questions will be answered.  Well, I think we only have 1 question, and that question is for Clare: Clare...Vietnamese Sea....Si o No?  Ok, maybe a second follow up question: Clare have you taken a pregnancy test?

Far be it from me to ever criticize Sean, he is definitely on the Mt. Rushmore of Bachelor/ette stars (FYI, my Mt. Rushmore: Sean, Catherine, Bentley, & Emily), but Catherine wasn't walking through that door.  Catherine is hot and funny, no one on this episode comes close...not Nikki, not Clare, not Sharleen, not Kat.

Clare Drama:
So apparently Clare was misled as to JP's character when he told her in the helicopter that he loved bleepING her.  I have re-watched the bleep heard round the world and she clearly said bleepING not TO bleep.  Big difference.  I think my wife is cool with me wanting to bleep Shakira but not as cool with me liking bleeping her (okay my wife is probably not cool with either).  So I guess that answers our question a few weeks back of whether there would soon be a Vietnamese merman running around following Clare and JP's "swim" in the crazy Vietnamese Sea.  

And Clare why again are you so mad?  The premise of the show is two people show up at the altar and one doesn't get the proposal.  If the Bachelor/ette always sent the person home prior to showing up at the altar there would be no drama.

Boy did Harrison aggressively go after that consolation hug with Clare or what?  Did anyone else get the feeling they were headed for a "swim".  Why else would Harrison be such a staunch Clare defender?  She sold sex from day one and then is shocked that JP doesn't respect her mind.  I loved that during "ATFR" Clare wouldn't talk about what JP said and wouldn't face him and Harrison then congratulates her for being so brave and open about her experience.  Open?  Brave?  She didn't say a thing about the incident.     

Was Nikki On the Show:
So apparently Nikki won the show because JP really really likes her.  My only question is why wasn't Nikki invited to ATFR, admittedly I was watching my laptop screen to type notes, but I didn't hear her say a thing. 


My last word for all my followers out there, don't give up on true love!  I have a good feeling Andi is going to restore our hope that true love does in fact exist. 

Izz Ok Andi You Will Find True Love Shortly

      I Will Be the Next Bachelorette                                 Izz OK                             

TWTA is always one of the classiest nights on TV.  What we learned last night:

1. Sean and Catherine are officially the most valuable commodity ABC has.  ABC you can go ahead and scrap Bachelor Pad all we really want is "The Lowe Pad" or "Newlowelyweds" or "The Real Bachelor Couple of Dallas", heck I think I would rather watch that lame honeymoon suite cam that ABC kept flashing during their wedding than watch Juan Pablo say izzokkay.

2. If the Muppet Movie is half as funny as that hilarious bit it is going to be a riot.

3. Kat is super wholesome and was confused by JP's intentions.  Yeah we noticed when you had your crotch in his face for 3 straight hours at the pool party.

4. Renee and Cassandra are "special" and the rest of the girls are not.  Seriously girls are you gonna keep crying about this.  And Lauren H why are you chiming in that you also left important stuff behind.  Let's compare Renee left her kid for several weeks and you left Oklahoma for less than one day.

5. Lauren S. is bitter that she got played.  Kelly nailed it, during the show it was "JP I love love love you I want to kiss you, please please kiss me, after you get booted JP sucks and showed no interest in me."     

6. Renee is nice.

7. Alli may have a 3 and a 5 year plan, but does she have a 7 year plan?

8.  Danielle and JP only had surface level conversations.  I was so surprised I thought you guys had a real connection.

9. Victoria can speak English.

10. Lucy has a lot of nerve.  Lucy are you really talking smack about JP's intentions?  You were prancing around Santa Monica Blvd. naked and at the end of the show you ran and straddled Harrison. 

11.  Sharleen still thinks JP is tonto.

12. Kelly is a fireball.  She told the girls they were just poor losers.  She told JP he used Camila as an excuse but it sure wasn't an excuse to go swimming.  And she dropped the real bomb asking JP why he thinks "gays are more pervert".

13. JP has lots of gay friends so it is okay that he thinks gays are more pervert.  Besides he was mistranslated, he didn't say gays are more pervert he said I would rather make gay love than be stuck in the fantasy suite with Andi lecturing me.   

14. Andi can read a teleprompter.  Could the questions and answers have been any more perfect for her to become the next bachelorette.  Don't come out too strong, talk about how you are still looking for love, talk about how you believe in love, make a few jokes and boom see you this fall.  I'm not hating she is going to be good.    



This has been a pretty disappointing season and I think the only way to finish it off would be with JP offending both Clare and Nikki to the point that they both quit. 

Assault in the Fantasy Suite

"Deeeeefaaaaaaauuuuuullllllllttttttt"

And lookie what we have here, the Bachelor is returning to St. Lucia for the fantasy suites.  For you Bachelor historians like myself I'm sure you remember the last time the fantasy suites went to St. Lucia, this mistake happened:

Vienna I enjoyed sleeping with you in the F Suite Will You Marry Me?

First Serving Of Juan Pablo Goes to Clare:
Clare are you really going to try and sell us that you might not go to the F. Suite.  No one is buying it, we know you are going to swim him tonight.  Oh and what do you know she is accepting the offer to fantasy suite it up.  Clare's only mistake was not breaking out the Daddy DVD in the fantasy suite, she could have really ramped up the pressure on JP.  

Sloppy Seconds of Juan Pablo Goes to Andi:
A lot of lead-up to this one.  I gotta say I was hook line and sinker with the previews regarding Andi's fantasy suite debacle.  My imagination ran wild....did JP get a little handsy......did JP come clean about his affinity for a "vietnamese ocean swim"......did JP show Andi his (explicit warning) anteater....what could possibly have made Andi declare that she could not wait to get out of that fantasy suite.  And the answer is.....he didn't validate your feelings (r u serious?).  Someone needs to stand up for JP here and why not me.  Andi it is a "fantasy" suite, no guy has ever fantasized about validating feelings.  Andi I also am ESL and us Latinos never use the word default, you are lying.  Andi you are clearly trying out to be the next bachelorette, but I see right through it, you were getting dangerously close to getting picked and you decided to go the Ali route, bailout and see if you can get picked as the next Bachelorette (oh and what a coincidence Ali also bailed on St. Lucia).  Andi I do agree that name dropping is super lame and annoying, hold up Anneli can you pause the show I gotta take this call from Afeni Shakur so I can let her know I'll call her back when I get done sending this care package out to David Archuleta, like I was saying it is very important to be real and trying to act cool and impress chicks by letting everyone know that you have celebrity friends is immature.

I gotta finish this blog I got things to do

Another touch of ABC genius show Andi's video as she is walking up the driveway.  I did like the Andi v. JP argument.  No matter how many times Andi told him not to say the work OK he couldn't stop and finished it with an "ok ****, I can't stop saying it", seriously awesome.  It's all good we knew that Andi and JP were never going to be a match.  JP is an intellectual who likes worldly cultured ladies and Andi is a tramp who poses naked in the name of saving dogs.  

Sloppy Seconds of Juan Pablo (Andi obvi did not partake so it is not thirds) goes to Nikki:
Nikki, I gotta say, what a genius way to enter the date.  Who doesn't appreciate a nip slip to start a date.  The serious nature of the date continues as JP lets Nikki know that he wishes she was riding the horse without pants in a thong.  Okay maybe Andi was right.

Nikki don't go into the ocean with him he loves to swim, stop oh no she is in the ocean and here they go they are taking a swim, what is Camila going to think?

So we are down to the final two that we knew were going to compete for the true love of JP.  It is a tough call they both have swam in the ocean so maybe he should just go with the better swimmer. 

Hy Juan

Hi Ben, I am about to ruin your mom

 With back to back espisodes the life of a Bachelor Blogger is quite busy but let's try to get a quick hitter here on the hometown dates.  Hometown dates is generally one of my favorite weeks (second only to fantasy suite week).  I like it because you get to see why the girls are so crazy (Clare).

First Hometown - Juan Pablo shares his meat with Nikki
Nikki's hometown (K.C.) starts off with Nikki and JP sharing meat at a BBQ joint.  They then head to meet Nikki's family who is way too normal.  Hmmmmm, not much material here.  If only Nikki could just break down those walls and let JP knows that she loves him.  Nikki you can't win unless you break down those walls. 

Second Hometown - Andi holds Juan's pistol
Andi's hometown (Atlanta) starts off at a gun range where Andi shows us she really knows how to handle a weapon and could JP have sucked any worse at shooting.   They then head to the house and JP gets to say Hi to Hy.  Hy clearly isn't feeling JP and neither is the rest of the family other than Andi's mom trying to salsa dance with him. 

Third Hometown - Sharleen shows JP her mundo
Finally JP gets to see Sharleen's mundo, oh wait, what? she left the show? so who gets the hometown date? renee?  Well I guess we better meet Ben.  Hey Ben you seem great, now get lost Renee you are too old to find true love.

Fourth Hometown - Clare and her Latino Family?
Hold on, Clare is Latina?  I am beyond confused.  I am however, not surprised that Clare's family is crazytown.  Could anyone else figure out what was going on with Clare trying to talk to her mom who appears to be a mute, while her sister Laura hovers around them making sure that mom doesn't say a word?  Finally, Laura goes inside and suddenly not only is mama not a mute but she is spewing espanol.  This is really bizarre she is now asking JP in Spanish about the weather in Venezuela.  

Rose Ceremony:
Nice dress Clare, a rose for you.  And goodbye, Renee.  Honestly, Renee deserved better she was clearly the nicest girl left on the show, but the last thing JP wants to be is a Dad so Renee had to go.