Time To Find a Seoul Mate

"Y Yo Soy El Bachelor Blogger"

This week the girls finally got the opportunity to leave the country to date Who Pablo so that they can really see what it would be like to be married to him.  It is so hard to tell if you really like someone when you are simply going on regular dates in the U.S.

Prior to the recap I must say this Korea episode hit a little to close to home for me.  After hearing much publicity about Korean Spas being the new rage I decided to take a journey down to Korea Town to see what all the fuss was about.  I ordered "the works" and was told to proceed to the men's area where I should strip down and be prepared for a "buff".  I promised myself never to disclose what happened next, but hey if these girls can break down their walls for JP why not.....I was told by a Korean man to lay down naked on a table where he proceeded to put on sandpaper gloves and remove the top five layers of my skin, he made sure that there was not a speck of dust or oil anywhere on my body and ummm, well, ummm he went ahead and treated my crack like a credit card machine.  After this confusion to my sexual orientation I proceeded to the Shiatsu massage room where a Korean woman stood on me and essentially committed a battery.  After, having my calf muscle dislodged from the bone I hobbled to the clay sauna with a tv where I laid on a bunch of clay pellets with 20 other naked dudes as we watched......you guessed it K-Pop.  Suffice it to say that when JP announced that the first group date was K-Pop I immediately went into the fetal position.

First Group Date: K-Pop, Krazy Kool Dancer Kat, and Negative Nicky:
The first group of ladies learn that they will be performing a dance routing with famous K-Pop group "21".  Kat used this date to let us know that 1) She is a professional dancer; 2) She is extremely good at dancing; 3) She has an ample bosom; 4) Her dad is an alcoholic.  Hmmm one of these things is not like the other ones.  Oh and I used to think Kat was kinda hot but in retrospect I think she has a little bit of a Secretariat thing going on.

Meanwhile, we are finally starting to see who is going to get this year's Vienna/Tierra Award for "I am a wench to all the girls but who cares I am here for ________" and the winner is......Nicky.

One on One Date: Sharleen and the Awkward Kiss/Conversation/Date
Where do we start.  How about shorts and nylons?  Sharleen and Juan Pablo went on a very worldly date and for some reason JP is in love with her.  I must say her opera singing was kinda cool, but she acted like she was giving up her virginity "I don't sing on the first date".  Sharleen also lets us know that JP is a good kisser, girl I have now seen you kiss him the last two weeks and I can confidently say that you are not a good kisser, it is beyond awkward every time.

Final Group Date: Let The Fun Begin
The last group date is a tour of Seoul and we finally got to see the real Clare and Kelly where did you come from you sassy girl.   Clare does the oh know I can't eat a little piece of Octopus routine to which Kelly delivers an all-timer "C'mon Clare I know you have swallowed bigger things than that"...boom.  Kelly and Andy later due a role play of Clare where Kelly drops another gem "Oh no this is the most I have eaten in two weeks".  Kelly I gotta give it to you for clowning Clare's attention grabbing tactics but don't forget you brought a dog on the show.

JP vows that he will not kiss any of the girls on this date as he has a daughter and wants to be an example, every single girl then tries to unsuccessfully kiss him with the worst being Lauren who when shut down starts bawling.  Listen Lauren, don't trip there was a time when even @jonobeingjono got shut down in an almost identical fashion and I too bawled.

Despite his chastity vow JP made out with Clare even after she told him that a few hours prior she threw-up in her mouth and swallowed it.

Rose Ceremony:
Someone tattled on Nicky and Clare but we are not sure who it was (Nicky thinks it was Clare) (Clare thinks it was Nicky) (JBJ thinks it was Cassandra, she got attitude when he took her aside on the group date and we never saw their convo).

Nicky confronts Clare about tattling and Clare lets Nicky know that nobody in the house likes her, uh Clare you may want to give that speech in the mirror.   

In the end Lauren gets the boot and unfortunately tells America how bleeping stupid she is for trying to force a kiss out of JP and crying about it.  And sayonara to Elise who again let's us know that she is very ready to become a mom, I'm sure she will find a taker sooner than later.    


Next week we head to Nam where I know that Juan Pablo will get that much closer to finding true love.  

       

   

BoatCar, Bridge and Crotch Time

Who Doesn't Love a Good Kat Fight

 So it wasn't the most exciting week of Bachelor we have ever seen but there were some takeaways as Juan Pablo flipped the script by making breakfast and bagging the cocktail party in favor of a pool party.  

One on One: Cassandra and the BoatCar
I must say that BoatCar was splendid.  Cassandra was wearing some weird red jumper with a bikini underneath, bikini = good | jumper = bad. 

As JP drives his car into the water and takes off I love how Cassandra says it is so great to see JP in his element.  Is JP some kind of BoatCar racer or tour guide?  What do you mean his element, I dare say he has never driven a car around on a lake. 

Next we learn that Cassandra hasn't been on a date in three years.  Wait a second her kid is 2 (and BTW is a spitting image of Sean Kemp), you do the math.  All jokes aside her baby daddy is none other than Rodney Stuckey of the Detroit Pistons:

"Sorry I Don't Do First Dates"

 
What's up Stuckey you couldn't take your girl to The Cheesecake Factory before you impregnated her?  You made 8.5 million last year you couldn't have sprung for The Outback Special before you smashed?

Speaking of being impregnated after this date there is a good chance that Camila and Tre may have a new sibling, as JP and Cassandra went back to his place for a nightcap.  If you can hook it up without taking her on a date imagine what you can do after taking her on a BoatCar.

Is it just me or for a former NBA dancer could Cassandra have looked any more awkward dancing.  At least it wasn't as awkward as her trying to help JP with "malted milkball" malmkb malbalk mmmalmemmkdball, whatever let's make out I've been taking care of Tre for 2 years now and it time for some me time.       


Group Date: Soccer and Juan Carlos in his real element

Alright JP, I love you but stop with the you gave up your thriving soccer career because your daughter was born.   You played for Robert Wesleyan College and some team in Ft. Lauderdale that is not part of the MLS where you scored two goals.   You gave up your soccer career because you were not getting paid which made it a hobby.  Just because I still play Ward Basketball doesn't mean it is my career. 

The group date was a good time with the girls getting after it on the soccer field and Sharleen just getting in the way.  Speaking of Sharleen, could she be any weirder? And why does JP like her so much?  Is it because she has as she put it "Mondo", uh that would be "Mundo" girl.  She has good legs and despises bras, I know what not to like, but she looks like the worst kisser I have ever seen.  JP went in for the kiss and she gave him some twisted version of the dead fish, at least it sent the other girls into a tizzy.     


One on One: Chelsie and the Bridge

So the date started with some truly horrible car dancing on the part of Chelsie.  They then proceeded to eat Arepas and jump off a bridge, because if you can jump off a bridge together you can get through anything.  Actually as a former resident of an arepa-eating country I would lean towards if you can eat an arepa together you can get through anything (unless soaked in butter and stuffed with cheese they are a flavorless mealy version of a tortilla).

Chelsie played the "I can't do this" card to perfection.  Future contestants take note this is how it goes 1) I am so scared waaaaaaaaaaahhhh; 2) I really can't do this; 3) Bachelor says I'll be there for you, you can do it; 4) Waaaaaaaaaahhh; 5) Well maybe I can do it, but only if you are there for me; 6) Take the leap and now the rose is guaranteed because no way he bounces you after you overcame one of your biggest fears and left your trust in him.  

Juan Pablo sure was more understanding of Chelsie not wanting to jump than of Andi not wanting to get naked. 

Meanwhile, back at the house Elise is self destructing over the fact that she didn't get the date card in favor of Camila's sister Chelsie who just happens to be one year younger than Elise.   Oh and look who is there to comfort her, Renee, I am so shocked.  


Breakfast With JP:
That crazy Juan decided to show up and make some, you guessed it arepas.  The goal was to see the girls in their element without makeup and the first one out Kelly, covers her face.  I actually think Kelly looked better with glasses and not all done up?  The girls pound the breakfast and learn that there will be no cocktail party but rather a pool party.


Pool Party:
Genius idea Juan.  It is so much easier to see who should get sent home when they are in bikinis as opposed to dresses.

According to Clare, Juan spent the majority of the afternoon in Kat's crotch.  We also learn that Kelly thinks Kat is a whore, Sharleen thinks Kat is a slut and Clare thinks Kat is a floozy.

Andi, why are you wearing a one piece?  WE HAVE ALREADY SEEN YOU NAKED.  

Sharleen flawlessly executes the crying moving into the makeout, well done.   This sent most of the girls into a downward spiral, especially Clare who has to go inside.  Oh and look who is comforting Clare, Renee, I am so shocked.

Clare then let's us know it is not a jealousy thing she just wants what the other girls had.  Call me Webster but I think that could be called jealousy.  


Rose Ceremony:
Christy, I know..I don't know who she was either, gone.

Lucy, you had your chance, it was a pool party and you let Kat outshine you on the sluttiness scale, you blew it, gone.       
  

If pretending to save dogs can get Juan girl naked it is worth it

I Wish Juan Pablo Would Die, Before I Puke

So if you are wondering when the date card came for Clare and why she was going on the first date, you had to watch the behind the scenes on Sunday night.  Not to mention if you watched on Sunday you got more Cathesean time which is always good.  Best part of Behind the Scenes was when we learned that Catherine gives Sean daily massages and Juan immediately regrets sending home the girl who oiled up his suit.

One on One Date: Winter Wonderland with Clare
First one on one date goes to Clare (for you Bachelor historians I don't believe the first one on one date girl has ever one).  I must admit the date looked pretty fun and Clare performed wonderfully.  She had to be relieved when they broke out the hot tub the last thing she wanted was the date to end with JP only seeing her in a big coat.   She also played the daddy's little girl/daddy dies/I now can't date or trust anyone card to perfection and got that rose.  

One on One Date: Thanksgiving Point with Kat
Did JP really take Kat to Thanksgiving Point or did I imagine that?  I mean who hasn't taken a date to Thanksgiving Point a little JCW followed by some shopping at Cabelas.  It was a bit of a trip to see them take off in a plane 2 minutes from my current residence and fly to 2 minutes away from my childhood residence.    And since when did Utah (Utah County at that) become so cool, that electric run looked pretty electric.  Kat moves pretty good for a white girl and gets the rose. 

Group Date: Hanging with the Bi*****
Oh boy, for anyone with morals and/or self esteem this wasn't pretty.  The girls learn that they will be helping a "charity" by doing a photo shoot in the name of adopting dogs.  Kellie (occupation: dog lover) is slightly excited.   Elise (1st grade teacher) and Andi (District Attorney) learn that if they want to help a good cause they will need to show their virginias.  Elise deftly switches with free spirit Lucy who gladly accepts as this is perfect opportunity to get her one step closer to her destiny - Hustler.  Meanwhile, Andi who disagrees with the idea is comforted by the fact that Juan Pablo will also be naked and strips down.  Andi better hope she wins JP's heart because she just lost her job.  Maybe free spirit Lucy can help her find a career, free spirit is always hiring.  Lesson to be learned for my young readers: If you have spent thousands of dollars on school and have a good career but you have a chance to save a dog by giving it all up, go for it.    

BTW, Is there really any dude out there who is thinking of adopting a dog and then sees a naked girl and decides that's it I'm heading to the shelter?  The way the director tried to push the girls made me want to head immediately to the mall to purchase a puppy mill dog.  

The unfortunate events at the dog shoot took away from the glory that is Victoria.  The girls all head to a rooftop to hang with JP and he starts to meet with them one on one.  While waiting for her turn Victoria decides to do some crack.  She then lets us know that she would like to straddle Juan even though she wishes he was dead?  Finally she declares "I just stepped off the crazy train, welcome to Brazil".  Don't feel bad Brazil on the last Bachelor Tierra said "I just stepped off the crazy train, welcome to Colorado".  Juan gives Victoria the boot in the morning when she has come to because he can't have a girl who likes to drink around Camila, now walk around naked on Santa Monica Blvd. (ala Lucy) that is fine, but no drinking.

We also learned that former NBA dancer Cassandra has a baby named Tre (has anyone seen Dwight Howard?).  I guess if Juan's new love has to deal with his hot baby momma than Juan should have to deal with Dwight Howard being his new love's baby daddy.  This is complicated. 

Rose Ceremony -
Sharleen - Still no bra.
Renee -Mom of the house, but it is making her look older.
Cassandra - Overplays the kid card, you already are getting the pity rose for having a kid no need to now cry about it.  You are done anyway, the last thing JP wants is a Tre living in the same house as Camila.
Amy L - Really are you going to do a fake news report?  Guys hate that stuff, you are gone.
Danielle - Go straight with the hair girl, big difference!
Chantel - You didn't think you really had a chance, did you? 

It Was Juan Heck Of A Night....Oh and Kylie Get Back In Line

Finally Juanuary is upon us and it did not disappoint.  I thought Whojuan Pablo had a chance to be a very entertaining Bachelor and I for juan think he lived up to the hype.  Could he be more cute?

First can we please go back to when we first met Who:



I think we all knew he was destined for stardom and true love.  Unfortunately Des liked poetry too much to see the glory of JP.

But Desiree's loss was the world and 27 women's gain as we all get to witness Juan Pablo bloom as he finds a stepmother for Camila.

The first half hour taught us that JP is hot and that he has a daughter.  We also got a nice reunion with Sean giving him advice to kiss as many girls as possible, sound advice.

Next we got to meet all of the girls and see their ridiculous shenanigans as they get out of the limo.  A few highlights: Cassandra forgot to say anything except for "awwwkward", Lauren S the professional piano player rolling in on a piano while she completely botches the song she is playing, Kelly (occupation: dog lover) bringing her dog, Clare showing JP what he could make her look like in 9 months and finally a bunch of girls speaking some horrible Spanish.

Juan then broke the ice by breaking out a boombox for a dance party, he is so fun!  Let the hysterics begin (that means you Lauren H).

Amy J why are you rubbing oil all over Juan's suit?  We know you get off from giving massage we saw your bio, but he's in a suit if you want to give him a rubdown lose the oil.  Ultimately this ended up being the first massage she gave without a happy ending (you know because she didn't get a rose).

Lauren H does not want to be that girl ah but what the heck: "Hi Juan I was just dumped by my fiance and I was supposed to be a stepmom and I know I am crying about it but I am over it and umm I am ready to be Camila's stepmom because I was already about to be a stepmom, do I get a rose"  No.

Sharleen you come to the show knowing the Bachelor is Juan Pablo you don't wear a bra which worked swimmingly as you got the first impression rose why were you acting so put off by getting the rose, the same rose that the other 26 women are literally turning into hyenas (Juan: "Hi ladies welcome" Ladies: "hahhahahahahahahah") to get.   I thought she was going to reject the first impression rose which would have been Bachelor history.  If you don't want the first impression rose then wear a bra next time.

"Bam I'm here I'm Lucy" but is your occupation really "free spirit" and if so how are you affording to live in Santa Barbara?

Renee smart move playing the mom card that bought you a couple weeks, but I think he is looking for a stepmom not a stepson. 

The absolute best part of the show came at the rose ceremony when Juan Pablo called out Kat and Kylie came sprinting out of the line to accept the rose.  Uh get back in line Kylie for 3 more minutes then you can get out of line to walk out the door, classic!

My frontrunners after night one: Andi (attorney) and Nikki (blonde). 

See you next week it should be juan heck of a season.

P.S. The play on words with juan is never going to get old.