Bachelor Recap: I'm only 110 pounds and 14 of it is in my . . .

Sorry, I Don't Date In Public, I'm Iraqi

I was feeling it this week and the blog ran a little long so for the ADHD out there I have also provided a Cliff Notes version.

Cliff Notes Version:
Leslie H. had so much ice you could skate on it, unless your name is Amanda.

Selma made sure we all know that she weighs 110 pounds despite her DD.

All of the girls want to be just like a prostitute a la pretty woman.

Amanda may have fractured her jaw, that certainly won't play well in the fantasy suite.

Selma won't kiss you because she is Iraqi, that certainly won't play well in the fantasy suite.

ABC errrrrrrrrrr Sean needs Tierra to stay to see how things turn out.

If you've got $1.5 million on your neck and you are getting dumped, run like hell.


Extended Analysis:
The episode began with a nice shot of Sean in his briefs explaining that his goal this week is to get the girls to trust him.  Who wouldn't trust him with a body like that?

We then learned that the first one on one date belongs to Selma and more importantly that they are flying out of Camarillo.  What?  Come on ABC you have the most famous Bachelor Blogger in Camarillo and you couldn't throw jonobeingjono a bone to get some sneak preview footage for my readers?  Holy Moly Batman what more do I have to do to promote true love to get a little love in return.

One on One - Selma:
In case Sean or any of the viewers were wondering, Selma lets us all know that she is skinny.  She pulls it off with such subtlety by changing the subject to dancing and informing Sean that if they dance she will be stepping all over his toes with all of her 110 pounds.  Wow, I wonder how much she would weigh without the 600 cc she is lugging around.

Sean tricks the prissy Selma into thinking she has been deported back to Iraq by taking her to the desert for some outdoor adventure.  ABC spends the next 12 minutes with varying angles of gratuitous cleavage shots.   Selma and Sean then spend some one on one time where Selma clarifies Iraqi culture, I will summarize:
- Do Not Kiss
- Do Not Date
- Do Get Gigantic Breast Implants
- Do Show Off Said Breast Implants As Much As Possible
Obviously they weren't showing The Real World in Baghdad or Selma would know that the easy fail proof way to get around the public affection problem is to go under the blanket and mess around, no one will know what is going on under there.

BTW every time they show her as an Iraqi Real Estate Developer does anyone else think that she must work for The Bluth Company?

Group Date - Roller Derby:
The girls learn that for the Group Date they will be rollerderbying, and to their chagrin Amanda has allegedly participated in a roller derby league.  Amanda quickly lets us know that she is lying and is just saying that she is professional to get in the girls heads.  3 minutes later we learn that she in fact was lying as she falls and possibly fractures her jaw.  When Sean asks if she is alright she responds with the same sound you make when you flip off the trampoline and land flat on your back....uuuuuhhhhhhhehhhhhhhhhh.

Sarah, rather than crying about your lack of balance, this would have been the perfect date to break out the hook, just sayin.

Sean squashes the roller derby idea after the fractured jaw and they have a lovely free skate, oh Sean always the gentleman.      

The group then heads to The Roosevelt for some Quality Time which quickly turns into a Tierrable Time.

Tierra goes crazy stalker and tries to quit but ends up sitting on a step crying.  Sean and Lindsay strip down to head to the tub and as they come out the door, boom there's Tierrable.  Sean inexplicably sends Lindsay to hang with the other girls so he can console Tierra.  How awkward must it have been for Lindsay to rejoin the other girls while in a bikini?  Almost as awkward as getting drunk while wearing a wedding dress.  Yes, that is the same Lindsay from week 1, the same Lindsay (teacher) that has me considering home schooling my kids.

Amanda courageously rejoins the date and tries to get some sympathy but makes the mistake of not telling Sean that really it was her tonsils that hurt, not her jaw.  I hate to be mean, but did anyone else notice that she was looking more beat by the day, she started out as an alleged model and ended up looking like she just spent two weeks with Lindsay Lohan.  

One on One Date - Black Leslie:
For Leslie's one on one date she gets to spend the day like our favorite prostitute Julia Roberts (the tan version).  She is so excited about it that she drops 3 Holy Moly Batmans throughout the date (a sure way to find yourself alone in the limo). Sean takes Leslie to Rodeo Drive and sets her up with some designer clothes and plenty of ice including a 120 carat diamond necklace from our favorite Bachelor jeweler, Neil Lane.  They head out for dinner where Sean informs her that she can keep the earrings but don't even think about keeping that necklace.   Surprisingly Sean doesn't find any romantic chemistry with Leslie and sends her packing.  Leslie then devastatingly tells Sean I know I have to give you this necklace back, but I don't know how to take it off.  It would have been less humiliating to just run.  Leslie claims to be blindsided despite the fact that prior to their date she had never spoken to Sean.

The Bachelor Producers then take over.  Honestly, how has the Bachelor never won an Emmy, Golden Globe or at least a SAG award.  Sean sends Leslie packing and sadly goes to listen to some sad music while leaning on a rail holding the rose that he withheld from Leslie.  After a few minutes of self-reflection he lets the rose fall and we watch a close up of it bouncing off the floor 6 stories down as the petals are sent flying.  Drama at its highest rawest level and unbelievably captured by the geniuses that are the Bachelor Producers.

BTW what must have Ben Taylor been thinking playing a romantic solo concert?  Did he look up and see some weirdo leaning over a rail holding a rose, only to drop it?

Rose Ceremony:
Why is Catherine not getting any love?  She is absolutely my favorite.  She has the cutest face of anyone left and she is comedy gold.  Let me remind you of some her classic quotes: "Oh Tierrable"; "I'm vegan but I love the beef"; About Kacie B showing up in week 1 "animal attack on the eyeballs".  Catherine if it doesn't work out with Sean I would love to have you as a guest poster on JBJ.

How are we this far in and I have no idea who Daniella and Jackie are?  Have they been on the show this whole time?

Tierrable lets us know that she don't have time for these B&*%^*@ as she is here to win.  Another tip from The Bachelor Authority: Never say you are there to win say you are there to find eternal love.  Sean is not a trophy but rather a human being with a heart and feelings.

In the end Amanda gets the boot, no surprise there, having a broken jaw is a serious impediment to a romantic relationship.

Preview:
Best news ever, 2 episodes next week (Monday and Tuesday) and apparently Tierrable is going to go into a hypothermic shock, seizure and all.

4 Hours of The Bachelor, several hours of blogging, I think I will be letting Judges know that I will be unavailable on Wednesday.