Bachelor Recap: I'm only 110 pounds and 14 of it is in my . . .

Sorry, I Don't Date In Public, I'm Iraqi

I was feeling it this week and the blog ran a little long so for the ADHD out there I have also provided a Cliff Notes version.

Cliff Notes Version:
Leslie H. had so much ice you could skate on it, unless your name is Amanda.

Selma made sure we all know that she weighs 110 pounds despite her DD.

All of the girls want to be just like a prostitute a la pretty woman.

Amanda may have fractured her jaw, that certainly won't play well in the fantasy suite.

Selma won't kiss you because she is Iraqi, that certainly won't play well in the fantasy suite.

ABC errrrrrrrrrr Sean needs Tierra to stay to see how things turn out.

If you've got $1.5 million on your neck and you are getting dumped, run like hell.


Extended Analysis:
The episode began with a nice shot of Sean in his briefs explaining that his goal this week is to get the girls to trust him.  Who wouldn't trust him with a body like that?

We then learned that the first one on one date belongs to Selma and more importantly that they are flying out of Camarillo.  What?  Come on ABC you have the most famous Bachelor Blogger in Camarillo and you couldn't throw jonobeingjono a bone to get some sneak preview footage for my readers?  Holy Moly Batman what more do I have to do to promote true love to get a little love in return.

One on One - Selma:
In case Sean or any of the viewers were wondering, Selma lets us all know that she is skinny.  She pulls it off with such subtlety by changing the subject to dancing and informing Sean that if they dance she will be stepping all over his toes with all of her 110 pounds.  Wow, I wonder how much she would weigh without the 600 cc she is lugging around.

Sean tricks the prissy Selma into thinking she has been deported back to Iraq by taking her to the desert for some outdoor adventure.  ABC spends the next 12 minutes with varying angles of gratuitous cleavage shots.   Selma and Sean then spend some one on one time where Selma clarifies Iraqi culture, I will summarize:
- Do Not Kiss
- Do Not Date
- Do Get Gigantic Breast Implants
- Do Show Off Said Breast Implants As Much As Possible
Obviously they weren't showing The Real World in Baghdad or Selma would know that the easy fail proof way to get around the public affection problem is to go under the blanket and mess around, no one will know what is going on under there.

BTW every time they show her as an Iraqi Real Estate Developer does anyone else think that she must work for The Bluth Company?

Group Date - Roller Derby:
The girls learn that for the Group Date they will be rollerderbying, and to their chagrin Amanda has allegedly participated in a roller derby league.  Amanda quickly lets us know that she is lying and is just saying that she is professional to get in the girls heads.  3 minutes later we learn that she in fact was lying as she falls and possibly fractures her jaw.  When Sean asks if she is alright she responds with the same sound you make when you flip off the trampoline and land flat on your back....uuuuuhhhhhhhehhhhhhhhhh.

Sarah, rather than crying about your lack of balance, this would have been the perfect date to break out the hook, just sayin.

Sean squashes the roller derby idea after the fractured jaw and they have a lovely free skate, oh Sean always the gentleman.      

The group then heads to The Roosevelt for some Quality Time which quickly turns into a Tierrable Time.

Tierra goes crazy stalker and tries to quit but ends up sitting on a step crying.  Sean and Lindsay strip down to head to the tub and as they come out the door, boom there's Tierrable.  Sean inexplicably sends Lindsay to hang with the other girls so he can console Tierra.  How awkward must it have been for Lindsay to rejoin the other girls while in a bikini?  Almost as awkward as getting drunk while wearing a wedding dress.  Yes, that is the same Lindsay from week 1, the same Lindsay (teacher) that has me considering home schooling my kids.

Amanda courageously rejoins the date and tries to get some sympathy but makes the mistake of not telling Sean that really it was her tonsils that hurt, not her jaw.  I hate to be mean, but did anyone else notice that she was looking more beat by the day, she started out as an alleged model and ended up looking like she just spent two weeks with Lindsay Lohan.  

One on One Date - Black Leslie:
For Leslie's one on one date she gets to spend the day like our favorite prostitute Julia Roberts (the tan version).  She is so excited about it that she drops 3 Holy Moly Batmans throughout the date (a sure way to find yourself alone in the limo). Sean takes Leslie to Rodeo Drive and sets her up with some designer clothes and plenty of ice including a 120 carat diamond necklace from our favorite Bachelor jeweler, Neil Lane.  They head out for dinner where Sean informs her that she can keep the earrings but don't even think about keeping that necklace.   Surprisingly Sean doesn't find any romantic chemistry with Leslie and sends her packing.  Leslie then devastatingly tells Sean I know I have to give you this necklace back, but I don't know how to take it off.  It would have been less humiliating to just run.  Leslie claims to be blindsided despite the fact that prior to their date she had never spoken to Sean.

The Bachelor Producers then take over.  Honestly, how has the Bachelor never won an Emmy, Golden Globe or at least a SAG award.  Sean sends Leslie packing and sadly goes to listen to some sad music while leaning on a rail holding the rose that he withheld from Leslie.  After a few minutes of self-reflection he lets the rose fall and we watch a close up of it bouncing off the floor 6 stories down as the petals are sent flying.  Drama at its highest rawest level and unbelievably captured by the geniuses that are the Bachelor Producers.

BTW what must have Ben Taylor been thinking playing a romantic solo concert?  Did he look up and see some weirdo leaning over a rail holding a rose, only to drop it?

Rose Ceremony:
Why is Catherine not getting any love?  She is absolutely my favorite.  She has the cutest face of anyone left and she is comedy gold.  Let me remind you of some her classic quotes: "Oh Tierrable"; "I'm vegan but I love the beef"; About Kacie B showing up in week 1 "animal attack on the eyeballs".  Catherine if it doesn't work out with Sean I would love to have you as a guest poster on JBJ.

How are we this far in and I have no idea who Daniella and Jackie are?  Have they been on the show this whole time?

Tierrable lets us know that she don't have time for these B&*%^*@ as she is here to win.  Another tip from The Bachelor Authority: Never say you are there to win say you are there to find eternal love.  Sean is not a trophy but rather a human being with a heart and feelings.

In the end Amanda gets the boot, no surprise there, having a broken jaw is a serious impediment to a romantic relationship.

Preview:
Best news ever, 2 episodes next week (Monday and Tuesday) and apparently Tierrable is going to go into a hypothermic shock, seizure and all.

4 Hours of The Bachelor, several hours of blogging, I think I will be letting Judges know that I will be unavailable on Wednesday.

Bachelor Recap - Kissing, Crying, Sobbing and Lennay Kekua

My Neck Hurts

I am going to have to fight through my puffy eyes to type this week.  There was a lot of crying going on and this time it wasn't just the girls seeking true love.

For those of you that are interested in my fantasy bachelor league, my only remaining girl is AshLee and after this week I couldn't be happier with my pick, I had a feeling this week would be her coming out party.  When she told Sean about being adopted I melted and when it brought Sean to tears (legitimate tears at that) I fell for Sean, he is the most legit bachelor ever and deserves true love.

Now, on to the hysterics.

One on One Date - White Leslie:
Is anyone else as impressed as I am that Sean's dad holds a Guinness World Record?  He traveled the 48 contiguous states in 97 hours.  I am a connoisseur of maps and I found the feat quite impressive.  Not wanting to be outdone Sean and Leslie are given the opportunity to have the longest on camera kiss and proceed to give us the most boring 3 minutes and 17 seconds in Bachelor history.  I had to hit my 30 second button three times I was so bored.

We then found out that Leslie is smart because she took some AP classes.  Who hasn't failed an AP exam?  jonobeingjono failed three of them.  You are going to have to show me more than that to prove your intelligence.  

Group Date - A Day at the Beach:
So the group date gave the girls a good chance to break out the bikinis and act a fool.  In the end they had a volleyball grudge match to see who would have the opportunity to spend quality 1 on 6 time with Sean.  As an accomplished volleyball player myself I saw that the ringer was clearly Des.  I am not buying that the match was that close after seeing her serve.

The best part of the whole episode was watching the reaction of the losing team, literally crying.  Kristy
completely lost it that she would not have the change to have quality 1 on 6 time and was literally crying/sobbing about her misfortune of spending a day at the beach.  Also literally crying on the trip back to the mansion was Black Leslie, which was odd considering her and Sean have not spoken one work to each other.

Sean proceeded to spend time with the 6 winners and Kasie proceeded to implode (I bet she wishes they never won that volleyball game).  As a Bachelor Authority here is a free tip on how not to find true love: DON'T TATTLE.  We all know that snitches get stitches, but apparently Kasie never got the memo.  Kasie's grand plan to woo Sean was to take him aside and tell him that Des and Amanda's relationship was not allowing her to be herself? Huh?  Sean asks for an explanation of how this has anything to do with Kasie and she says she is being put in the middle of Des and Amanda's drama?  5 minutes later and Kasie was literally crying.

One on One Date - AshLee, and the Charity Girls:
The final date card comes and Tierra reads it as AshLee and Selma, psyche it doesn't really say Selma, gotcha suckers.  Tierra then fakes a fall down the stairs right before Sean arrives in an attempt to derail the date.  Pretty normal way to get attention from a man, if you ask me.  Somehow Tierra powered through and skipped a trip to the hospital on a paralysis board, what a trooper.

Sean and Ashlee end up at Magic Mountain and Sean breaks the news that they will be spending the date doing charity work and that two sick girls who are best friends online would be coming and meeting for the first time.  The first girl gets out of the limo and they tell her that the friend she has never met will also be joining them.  The limo pulls up and I thought for sure that Lennay Kukua would be popping out of the limo but alas it was her online friend.

The group spends a fabulous day at Magic Mountain and it ends with both AshLee and Sean literally crying which left jonobeingjono literally crying.   The emotional moment was then ruined when we learned that during their heart to heart convo there was a creepy band standing two feet behind them in the dark the whole time.  Also a little awkward was AshLee saying I want as many kids as I can pop out..........errrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........as my husband and I decide to have.  

Cocktail Party:
The final cocktail party just turns into a game of musical chairs with all of the girls pulling at Sean like he is a piece of taffy.

Sean takes Sarah outside and tells her he has a surprise for her, I don't know why but I thought he was surprising her with a prosthetic arm or a hook.  Apparently I am the jerk as Sean is a pure sweetheart bringing her dog to say hello.

Kacie tries to get back in the game after tattlegate by wearing a workout top as a dress.  Kacie, wearing an extra long LuluLemon workout top does not a dress make.  It doesn't work and Sean sends her packing, but of course in true Sean style, in a very classy way.  

Also clipped were Kristy (the devastated volleyballer) and Taryn (no one cares about her).


13 girls remain and if I had to predict who will be fantasysuiting in the end I would go with AshLee, Sarah and White Leslie.

And for who gets the boot next week I'll go with Robyn and Daniella.  

Bachelor Recap: Please God Don't Send Me To Atlantis

I Wish Someone Could Love Me

 FIRST ONE ON ONE - SARAH:
When Sean and Sarah got to the top of the building did anyone else think that ABC was going to make Sarah rappell down the side of the building, you know one hand on the caribiner and one hand on the rope, oops, better go for the free fall, oops it is illegal for the disabled to be attached to a cable, ummm hurry up and jump already, I'm surprised Sean and Sarah weren't pushed off the edge before the popos got there to shut them down therein forcing Sarah to "prove to Sean and the entire world" that they could define their character and prove their love to each other walking down 35 flights of stairs.

And why is Sean telling Sarah over and over that she just has to trust him with the free fall equipment, shouldn't the operator of the free fall be the one telling her to trust him.

GROUP DATE:
The group date was really edgy and exciting as the girls got to pretend they were harlots in a Harlequin novel aka a regular day in the life of 90% of these lovely ladies.

Sean got to see another side of white Leslie, namely her extremely toned abdomen.   Sean proceeded to ask white Leslie why she was there and her response was:  Honestly..............(long pause)........ (oh boy here it comes a) to be a contestant on the bachelor pad; b) to have a spinoff reality show; c) to meet a celebrity; d) free booze; and/or e) to try and sleep with Harrison) alas the disappointment when she replied to find true love, oh well.

Kristy broke a network television record for the most times saying the word ecstatic in one episode.

Tierra acted utterly Vienna/Courtneyesque by being mean to the other girls while being nice to Shawn (I mean the nerve of her).  We all know this is not a formula for eternal love, oh wait if you can combine being mean to the other girls with a dash of sluttiness it is the perfect recipe for stealing the Bachelor's heart just ask Jake and Ben.

After the Harlequin acting Shawn says "I am ready to get out of these clothes so let's have a pool party" then proceeds to put a suit jacket on and hang out by a pool.  Shawn, I have been to a pool party and usually it requires you or at least someone at the party getting in the pool.

SECOND ONE ON ONE - DESIREE (AKA WINNIE COOPER)
Wow the chemistry between Sean and Des was literally palpable.  I couldn't help but find Des to be super cute in a Winnie Cooper kind of way.  I can only imagine what Kevin would have done to Winnie had she broken out the same bikini that Des did for the hot tub scene.

The date was a real blast, Sean really tricked poor Des into thinking she broke a million dollar piece of art, what a riot.  Where do they come up with this stuff, genius.

I do think Des has to be considered a frontrunner at this point, so long as her ex boyfriend doesn't show up and get knocked out by Sean.

FINAL COCKTAIL PARTY:
Lindsay showed Sean another side of her.......the non-drunk side.

Amanda gives the girls the silent treatment, which pisses the girls off but I've always found the silent treatment to be a very effective way of sending a message.

(Beware Touchy Social Commentary Coming):  I don't think many could argue that when it comes to analyzing the way to find true love on a reality show that I am The Authority.  Usually the easiest way to not find true love is to be a minority.   When handicapping these shows the first couple weeks are very easy to predict just eliminate all of the drunks and and all of the minorities and then we can get down to finding true love.

Leave it to Robyn to address this taboo subject in a very direct and uncomfortable manner by asking Sean the same question we were all asking, what is up with you keeping 3 black girls, an Arab and several really tan white girls?

Then Sean drops the bomb, his last girlfriend was black, and I believe him because he said black and not African-American.

EVICTION CEREMONY:
Nothing to shocking here, a few girls we haven't seen before get sent home and we learn an important lesson that if we are not good we will be sent to Atlantis.


All in all I must say it wasn't the most exciting of Bachelor episodes but according to the previews it should heat up next week when the girls break Tierra's neck. 

Finally! What a Way to Ring In The New Year....True Love Is Back!

50 Shades Of Awesome

Some of you may find this surprising, but this is the first time that I have participated in a Bachelor Fantasy Draft.   There are 8 players in the fantasy league and I must say when the episode began I was feeling pretty good with my selections, I had Slut Ashley (Shades of Gray, Tie Me Up Chick); Adopted Ashley (I'm so sweet and need someone to take care of me); and Lauren (I'm Italian my Dad will break your legs haha).

Prior to the season starting I was somewhat disappointed by the selection of Shawn, however call me crazy but I am all in, he is really growing on me.  I mean Harrison did say he is the most genuine Bachelor they have ever had and we all know how I respect Harrison.  His hanging with Arie prior to meeting the girls was very funny.  Arie helping him practice the breakup with "that's not what you told me last night in the fantasy suite" was really classic.

So when these girls get out of the limo do they think they are meeting a girl, they come up with the most girly ideas (let's throw a penny in a fountain; let's play paddycake paddycake;  let's wear a wedding dress; let's leave lipstick on him; let's show him a back handstand; let's play football (Explicit Warning), now if she had played the center rather than him that would have been appealing).

One of the first questions we always have to ask on week 1 is who will get drunk first? And the winner is...........Lindsay (Wedding Dress).  The ultimate walk of shame, walking back into the house in a wedding dress, drunk after trying and failing to french Shawn.  And just when you thought there could only be one, 50 shades of slurring made an appearance.  

In the fantasy draft I really wanted Sarah with my first pick, but she was gone, and I hate to say this because she seems real sweet and I'm not saying I wouldn't date her, but I ummmmm should I say this, wellllll, okay I don't think Shawn is going to marry a girl with one arm. I hate myself.
 ,
Why did the Utah girl make her own skirt? Homemaking night went too far. 

"I'm Italian and my dad said if you break my heart he'll break your legs haha just kidding"? Oh thank goodness you were kidding we thought you were serious.

Double back handstand minus one of the handstands was so awesome.  She had to have been bleeding, I so wish she would have had a short skirt so we could see her leg bleeding. 

So in the end Shawn keeps Wedding dress and drops 50 shades from Detroit, WTH?  Shawn, did you not hear her interview at the end - "Shawn could have *&$^#d me." and now the next person she meets when she gets home gets tied up and %$*#d.  Oh well at least he is not getting true love mixed up with *#^!ing.  
There is so much more to write but I have to get going I have um, "business" in Detroit and have to book a ticket asap.