The Coinkydink Episode - Czech It Out

I Would Marry The Bleep Out Of This Girl

 
 So Arie dated the producer of the show and then he miraculously became a contestant on the show.  What a coinkydink!  How do we have the weird convo with the producer yet no footage of Emily calling Arie out?  Weak!   

Sometimes you just have to let fate take its course in the pursuit of true love fast forward to Sean running the streets of Prague in the middle of the night yelling Emily's name when he miraculously finds Emily walking alone in an alley of a City of 1.3 million people.  What a coinkydink!      

Doug was done when he apologized for him and Emily's legs touching.

So this season has been more about Austin v. Ricki than anything else, who can say it more: Austin Austin Ricki Ricki Ricki Austin Ricki Baggage Ricki Austin Austin Austin Austin Austin Ricki Ricki Ricki who is going to say it more and......... Dougie gets the win when he comes through in the exit interview with one last AUSTIN.  Oh wait, Emily dropped a Ricki at the rose ceremony, one last parting blow to Doug, they end in a tie. 

Doug if your Girldar is broken you could always try your Gaydar.

Chris "I'm not going to dwell on it" as he spazzes at the house, freaks on the group date and goes into a twitching fit at the rose ceremony.  But Chris, don't take it personal that Emily likes Sean way more than you.

Could that puppet situation with Jemily have gotten any weirder?  Buying a puppet for Ricki, lame, Ricki riding on your puppet shoulders, lame.  I thought we were headed toward a puppet porn before it mercifully ended. 

Wait a sec, Jef is from the SLC and his parents are gone as they are "committed to some stuff" for a couple years, what a coinkydink!  What are they committed to? Civil War History, Palmettos, Gamecocks, Southern Plantations?  Do tell, I can't imagine what it could be.

Oh, and I "wanna date you hard and marry the f*&# out of you", nice one.  Your parents in South Carolina studying Civil War History are going to be very disappointed.

To the surprise of no one Wolf was sent Packing (man I am good).

Next week, the moment I have been waiting my life for, my sources said it went something like this: Emily rides Trax to Cafe Rio, pork burrito (enchilada style), afterparty at brick oven, levi lovin, end the evening with froyo at City Creek, heavy petting, then get up early and hit the David Archuleta farewell.   

The World Is Our Oyster and You Are the Pearl

So the episode started with Travis and Emily on a one on one at the "balancing stone".  Legend has it that if you can stand on the stone and remove your shirt you will be lucky in love.  At which point Emily states that they aren't leaving until one of them does it.  Sounds good to us, let's just hope that Emily is more lucky than Travis. 

Pan back to the hotel with Ryan chilling in a women's white tank top which no doubt came straight out of Emily's closet.

Travis, not surprisingly didn't get his rose, I mean he carried a gigantic egg around for a month.  I'm sure he regrets breaking Shelly as now he is left without Shelly or Emily.  He then pouts as he aimlessly walks into the rainy Croatian night as he litters his umbrella.  I don't know how Emily could have dumped a guy with a heart thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig, oh yeah he carried an egg around for a month. 


The boys then get to watch Brave as Arie mutters "so cool" when the girl splits the arrow a la Robin Hood.  I guess that was kinda cool.

The Highlander Games was pretty rad.  The jackasses arrive on mules (heeeeyyyyyyyo).  Sean proceeds to dominate yet Chris get's the pity date and rose.  I think Chris got the rose more because of the power of a double rainbow than anything else.

On to Ryan.  The date started with Ryan spewing lines as usual and telling Emily that the World is our Oyster and You are the pearl.  I can't believe that didn't work?  Then Ryan drops the 12 things required to become a trophy wife and bye bye.  You are a great kisser but your list sucked.   Ryan then provided us with some tremendous insight when she cut him.....I find this really really shocking because I did not see this coming.  Usually you don't see shocking things coming Ry, but don't worry they didn't portray you as an arrogant ass, so you are good.  
Wolf then messed up Emily's whole plan.  It was a stroke of pure genius to pull out the dead grandparent funeral cards combined with some tears.  Wolf was a dead man walking prior to that, but how was she going to bounce him when he has been toting around the Virgin Mary in his wallet since 1999. 

So nothing too surprising this week, until huh, Arie has been tapping the producer?  What?  Not precious Arie, they were so cute together when he snuck over to her bed.   So this should be very interesting next week, is Arie looking for true love with Emily or true love with a producer?

An Exhausted Sick Mother Is Not Hot

"Get the F*^K Out"

Pretty Sean got the first date and Emily confirmed what we all thought, guys that perfect are usually boring errrrr uhhhhhhhhh ummmm but Sean you're not boring, ummmm you are super exciting.  Oh and Sean, you haven't been on a date for two years prior to the show?  My pathologicalserialkillersexaddictometer was going off big time as you tried to sell that story.    

Kalon, Kalon, Kalon you know you are competing with a bunch of busybodies, you can't say anything derogatory, ever.  Who doesn't agree that an exhausted sick mother is not sexy, but you don't vocalize it in front of people.  Don't worry I'm safe, my wife was sick and went to bed early so she didn't see the show. 

I really took solace in seeing Emily go backwoods West Virginia on his ass and then watching all the dudes sit silent and not take her back.  This was the validation that all of us non-confrontationals have been waiting for.  Now when Anneli gets mad at me for not defending her, I can always say hey but Arie, Travis, Ryan, Wolf and Dougie didn't defend Emily either and they were good enough for her.

Alejandro still can't get a word in on the show, even his Shakespeare was silenced.

Is there anything hotter than a cute girl who can drop an F bomb?


Is Emily really falling for Ryan's lame game, it is weak, but I gotta give it to him the next thing you know he is making out with her.

Jef and Emily are so rebellious sneaking away from the etiquette lady, she didn't see it coming with her "how strange where have they and the 15 cameras gone?"

Emily and Jef's date did give me goosebumps, Emily you had me at "When I move to Salt Lake".   Just wait until you see the City Creek Center, you won't believe it!

In the end my mute Colombian hermano got the boot. Alejandro you didn't expect to go home?  The first time I heard you speak was on your English cab ride out of there, Vaya Con Dios.    

Now that we officially have all of the minorities out of the house we can officially get serious about true love.  

P.S. Could the previews be any more of a spoiler than if I were to just google 'Bachelorette spoilers'.  In the later this season segment we saw Jef, Arie, Sean, Ryan and Chris.  No Dougie, Travis or Wolf. 

I'm Not Here to Impress You But To Make An Impression On You

Doug's date was a mirror image of my interview to be a dishwasher at Frontier Pies when I was 16. Frontier Pies Manager: What is your worst quality? JBJ: I'm a workaholic. Frontier Pies: Anything Else? JBJ: Some people have told me that I am too dedicated to my job. Suffice it to say I got the job, and half a shift later I quit. Come on Doug, I am so glad Emily called you out, your girlfriend broke up with you because you are too good of a Dad...please, we are not buying it.  Now breaking up with you cuz you won't clean her car, that I believe.

The group date didn't show us much of anything it was just another date that did not involve Alejandro or the long haired guy who eventually got evicted. Jef (yes I spelled it right) couldn't make a move cuz his fingers were ouchie but still managed to get the rose and he has moved dramatically up the standings and is someone to be reckoned with.

On the head to head date I thought Emily showed us a part of her ummmmm personality that we haven't seen previously. She really opened up, especially on the cliff jumping portion of the date and I for one appreciated her showing us this side to her ummmmm personality. There were two pieces of information that she provided that were fascinating.

Ryan then busted out Luke 12:48 to try and make Emily feel bad for kissing Arie in front of the potential fiances and all of the impressionable young girls of America whose negligent parents allow them to watch the Bachelorette (sorry Kalia, at least I try to cover your eyes during the kissing parts). I thought it was a decent move, scriptures are always a good tool to make someone feel guilty. I also appreciated him changing the subject when Emily tried to coerce him into correcting his previous statement that he won't love on her if she gets fat, stick to your guns bro.

The Chris v. Doug confrontation with eerie Bachelor music and lightning in the background was bizarre.  Chris we all know Doug is a fraud, but no need to let your own weirdness show. 

The eviction ceremony was fairly predictable. Ryan couldn't go this week as Emily has to tell him to get the bleep out next week. Charlie the second you admitted that you have brain damage it was only a matter of time that you and your wrinkled suits got bounced. As for the other dude, was he a cameraman or stage guy, haven't seen him before, and why was he crying? Did he lose his job?  Certainly it wasn't for Emily he has never spoken to her before. 

Can't wait for next week as who doesn't appreciate an appropriate F Bomb from a Sweet Southern Belle.

I Will Still Love You I Just Won't Love On You

Confession time, I thought Emily was boring and the show was dragging a bit.....prior to last night. There was a lot of goodness to get into. Let's start with the next Bachelor...Allesandro. This guy is a true player. Unless you have carried on a three year romantic relationship with your Cousin you don't know what love is. He straight told Em that he would consider compromising his fabulous life as a gypsy grain merchant in order to be with Emily oh and Ricki. Alle, I get it, I didn't lose it translation and I think any of us who have kids can relate to what you were saying. Tony Tony Tony you made such a rookie mistake. You have to wait to use the "I miss my kid so much card" until you have a chance to seal the deal. You were way premature and it got you sent home. You can't break that loving father act out until the fantasy suite (hope you were watching and taking notes Doug). Is there really a guy named "Wolf" on the show? Has Alejandro (the Colombian ear ring homey) said one word on the show or to Emily? Same for Michael (long hair dude)? Ryan had the classic conversation of the night when he told Emily she better not get lazy with that body, but its cool if she gets fat he will still love her he will just not love on her. I am sorely disappointed in Travis caving to Emily's friends telling him that carrying around a giant egg made him look like a delta bravo. If you are going to use a prop you should be forced to use it for the whole season. I loved that when Emily smashed it you could see all of the guys shadows looking through the window. In the end Stevie Shore got the boot, you can't expect E to keep someone who dances like that around Ricki. The risk of him taking Ricki on daddy daughter dates to fistpump in Karma was just too great. I have the final four and winner pegged and it is: Arie, Chris, Sean and Doug and the winner .....Chris (just a feeling). Finally, when are we going to start mixing in a hot tub?

Ricki Needs A Daddy!

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Like I wasn't going to blog about Emily. I think this is the season I've been waiting for and evidenced by the countless dudes crying it is going to be historic. Nice dress BTW. Here we go stream of consciousness style: Nice egg weirdo, that better be hard-boiled, what are you going to do when it breaks just like you and Emily's love.....TG we got the only black guy out of the house so quickly, the last thing we want is Emily having feelings for a minority......The natural thing to say to someone from Brazil speaking Portuguese would clearly be Gracias......Mrs. Doubtfire always gets me in the mood, I don't know what Emily's problem is?.....Finally a Colombian in the house, who doesn't like anteaters.....Helicopter guy is not a ratings plant, he is there for true love.....What the, there is a racecar driver in the house, how could producers not have thought how this might affect Emily ahead of time??......"I may have had a head injury but there is nothing wrong with my heart"...I know about wrinkled suits and Charlie's suit definitely had been on the bedroom floor for the last two weeks....Leave it to Utah to bring the "Power of Love" Marty McFly style entrance, he should have teamed up with boombox guy to play "don't need money, don't need fame, don't need no credit card to ride this train, it's the power of love.".....6 kid guy is right in giving up hope....Single dad guy is a little too interested in Ricki, a little creepy.....this is the hardest and most intense thing I've ever gone through says the delta bravo who just got voted out, you were there for 30 minutes, really, that is the hardest thing you have ever been through?.....Mr. Protein made an excellent point by removing his shirt, Emily did miss out, I even wanted to run my hands through his ab cleavage. On another note we have some very important and exciting Bachelor news, Chris Harrison is getting divorced. He immediately joins the ranks of Bradley Cooper, Derek Jeter, George Clooney and Tim Tebow as America's most eligible. Rumor has it that his wife Gwen got fed up with him announcing: Gwen, this is the final chicken salad sandwich, this is the final hot fudge sundae, this is the final egg, this is the final glass of milk, this is the final time you can go to bed, this is the final shower, this is the final tooth brushing and this is the final time I am going to cheat on you.

And Then There Were Two

C-Ya Nicki.

The competition to land the heart of Mr. Enthusiastic really heated up this week.

This should be a warning to America. With divorce rates skyrocketing girls and boys should be warned prior to marrying that if you get divorced you will likely never be able to win the bachelor/bachelorette and likely never find true love again. Just ask Bentley.

I can't believe at one time I though Kasie B might win true love. Her return only solidified that Ben's choice to bounce her was 100% right. She's nothing but another Courtney hater who apparently likes to lay on hotel floors.

Did anyone else love the girls pumping Emily up to get ready for her quest to find love? What better way to get ready for love than watching Titanic the epic tale of true love being destroyed by a horrific crash....oh kinda like Emily and her Ex....awkward. The best part though had to be Ashley at the 3D movie "I feel like I can reach out and touch them". Umm, yeah that's the point of the 3D glasses you are wearing.

Lyndzi, how do you go from not even a french kiss to this?



Something we haven't addressed, which is really amazing, is that Ben is going to pick the girl who did this:



I can't wait to see you on the bachelor pad Courtney.

So this week we have to wait for the most romantic night of TV of the year as the women tell almost all. If it was really a tell all then the first question Harrison asks would be.... "Alright by a raise of hands who here slept with Ben?" I do think the tell all episode is a powerful tool for these women to look at themselves and see how they can improve so that they too can find true love.