I've Brushed Off the Chrisney Breakup and I'm Back

Jimmy Fallon Aint Got Nothin On Me

So I suck and didn't get the blog out as quick as I would have liked this week.  The truth is I was having serious writer's block and the comedy just wasn't coming.

This morning I woke up and tried to evaluate my priorities and why I wasn't blogging and I came to the realization that it is Chrisney's fault.  I did not take the news of their breakup very well.  If you can't find love with Prince Farming then what is true love?  I decided to check twitter to see if I could feel better about love and maybe break down some walls so I could continue this blogging journey and boom there is Andi promoting a new reality show.  Andi will be seeking to find true love in the Big Apple with none other than Sharleen Mundo.   If these two can pick themselves up after the devastation of not finding true love with Who Pablo, then who am I to be too depressed to blog, so here we go, let the blogging journey continue...........

Group Date: Boxing With Ali
Justin "so we walk into the building and we see nothing but boxing bags, speed bags and there is Kaitlyn in the corner, it was totally unexpected to see her."  Who did he think would be there?  Did he think they were just being taken for a morning workout and that Kaitlyn wouldn't be at the group date?

Kaitlyn introduces the guys to Laila Ali and Kupah has an O.  They start working out and one dude breaks some windows with his jump rope, smooth.

The guys learn that they have to fight each other.  Kupah who was killing it at the gym trying to show off for Ali gets knocked out by Jared who weighs 35 pounds less than him and runs the fryer at Jack In The Box.  Jared probably shouldn't have won that fight as he then has to fight Ben Z who outweighs him by 55 pounds.  Ben of course sends Jared to the emergency room which might seem sad but it has been statistically shown that having to receive medical treatment is a great way to find true love on the Bachelor/ette (See Brooks breaking a finger and Kelsey having an anxiety attack).

After the date, back at the house Healer speaks out that the boxing date was a joke as love should never start with fisticuffs.  Ray Rice and Chris Brown would disagree.

One on One: Clint
Underwater photo shoot was actually pretty cool.  Clint seems pretty hesitant and we learn why when he jumps in the pool and has a big bald spot up top.  Kaitlyn lets us know that she has never had a first kiss underwater.  What a prude, where has she been?  Clint seems fine, and he did draw a picture of Harrison riding a dinosaur so I gotta give him that, but he's not exactly Mr. Excitement.

Meanwhile back at the house Tony is asking the guys if Kaitlyn is supportive?  Who doesn't want to date a jock strap.

Flash to somewhere in Hollywood where Britt and Brady are not showering together.

Group Date: Comedy Improv
JJ and the healer are pumped when they learn that they will have to do a stand-up routine with Amy Schumer.

JJ let's us know that he is too smart for 90% of the audience.   So far he has done a Wayne's World impression, a Seinfeld impression and broken off a bull-dozer joke....real smart stuff JJ.  Schumer lets us know that JJ is a sweetheart he is just missing charisma, humility and a sense of humor, but other than that he should be hired as the next Bachelor...classic.

Healer let's us know he has been trained for this his whole life.  Does he know this is a comedy club? He goes for 10 minutes about how sensitive and thankful he is for the opportunity.

Cocktail Party:
And if we were wondering who the villain was going to be look no further than our man JJ.  JJ takes the whole party to let everyone know, including Kaitlyn, that he is there for Kaitlyn, not to make friends.  It is a fail proof strategy for finding love, ask Courtney or Vienna.   But hey, he feels smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of I talked to the girl and you didn't.  After his performance at the comedy improv I see him more as Jimmy Fallon wrapped inside Larry David wrapped inside Jim Gaffigan wrapped inside of a bag filled with douche.    
Leave it to the Bachelorette to address race relations in America.   Kupah pulls Kaitlyn aside to let her know that he doesn't want to be the minority guy filling a quota.  C'mon Kupah the Bachelor/ette doesn't do that.  Marquel finds what you are saying offensive.

Kaitlyn doesn't like being called out as a racist and lets Kupah know that he is there because he likes music not because he is black and decides to send him packing (we still got Ian and Jonathan).

Kupah freaks and this constitutes enough drama for the show to be continued.....  Are you serious ABC?  No rose ceremony because of that?  Put him in the limo and let him blow up like 90% of the other contestants and let's get to the rose ceremony.

I Saw You Take A Nap With Britt!

I Hope You Watched The Previews

C Ya Britt

Kaitlyn: Hey Britt Knock Knock. Britt: Who's there? Kaitlyn: I. Britt: I Who.  Kaitlyn:I banged a dude who probably picked you. 

So, I was wrong.  I know you expect more of me and I could not have been more sure that the double bachelorette was happening for the whole season, but alas ABC always keepin me on my toes.  I swear this is the last time I will doubt you again Bachelor/ette producers.

For any of you that thought Britt would make for a better season that Kaitlyn, I hoped you watched the previews.  This season promises to pack more drama than ever before.

Britt v. Kaitlyn:
Harrison wastes no time in letting Britt know that she has not been chosen and she needs to hit the road.  I loved the genuine surprise in Britt's eyes and words.........but Harrison do the guys not know how hot I am.....have they seen my hair......I didn't even break out the Chucks yet.....and do they know that after spending the night with me I look the exact same in the morning....how could they choose Kaitlyn?

I hike in full makeup, what more do you want?

I sleep in full makeup, what more do you want?

In the end it wasn't enough and we are getting a full season of Kaitlyn who promises to be a wild ride (pun intended).

Meet the Bachelors/Rose Ceremony:
Kaitlyn is announced and it is scramble time for the guys that voted for Britt.  Werewolf Jared admits that he voted for Britt and that somehow gets some nice bonus points despite his creepy face and the fact that he manages a Burger King.  Dentist Chris gets some action and then Shawn gets some seconds.  

The rose ceremony should have been pretty drama free right.  Standard Bachelorette procedure get rid of a minority, a stripper, and a sex coach, it was going to be too easy until Brady broke script by interrupting the RC to let Kaitlyn know that he was in love with Britt and he was leaving to find her. Say what you want about Brady but I fall more in the he's a romantic camp than the he's a stalker camp.

Kaitlyn I know it seemed like a logical choice to get rid of Shawn the sex coach, but after seeing the previews do you not think he could have served some value by keeping him around.  I mean in episode one he gave us some advice that money can't buy and I quote (under age 35 stop reading) "when you get those a*#* toys just make sure they have something on it so they don't get stuck in your bowels."  I personally have never heard better advice given.   Anybody can tell you to work hard, get an education, stay away from drugs but none of that advice will save you from the pain and trauma you will undoubtedly suffer from failing to follow Shawn's advice.  Seriously: broke, uneducated drug addict > a*#! toy stuck in your bowels.  Well at least we got one nugget (pun intended) before Shawn was sent packing.

Brady The Romantic Stalker:
So Brady excused himself from the RC and heads out on a journey to find his soul-mate Ms. Britt and we are left with him outside her hotel door.  I can't imagine the disappointment he is going to feel when he opens that hotel door and sees Britt and Kobe Bryant in there.

Previews Analysis:
I wish that I could not affect the integrity of my viewing by avoiding previews but Bachelorette previews are more tempting than a Colombian party to a crack addict.  Not only must I watch the previews but I run it back numerous times, slow motion, pause etc...

This season's previews did not disappoint.  Why is Kaitlyn kissing Nick from Andi's season?  Where did he come from?  Uh oh...I hear sounds, and this is well before fantasy suite week and whaddaya know Kaitlyn is admitting to like 10 of the guys that she already did fantasy suite stuff with one of the dudes.

I don't know why Kaitlyn is stressing how the guys will take this news, I mean Nick has been down this road before and he took it real well, just ask Andi.

I can't wait for Kaitlyn to find true love, she and her bird tattoos deserve it.  


P.S.
Speaking of Andi can these rumors about her and Harrison being an item be true?  I sure hope so.

Who Is Hotter Britt v. Kaitlyn

I'm Hotter Than Kaitlyn

Last night was shocking....a whole lot of unfiltered drama.  I was a Britt apologist last year, but I think I was bamboozled by her hair into thinking she is cool.  She came off as phony bologna last night.  

Real Quick:

1) Why does the healer have a black eye?  My guess is someone punched him for being so weird.  And if you are a healer, why did you not heal the eye, prior to the most important night of your life.

2) An "amateur" sex instructor.  C'mon Bachelorette, you couldn't spring for a "professional" instructor?  Who wants an amateur teaching them?  It's hard enough to please a woman, the last thing you need is some amateur throwing in his 2 cents.  But can't lie his advice later in the night was spot on.  

3) Professional beach volleyball player, living in New York?

Let's get to the main event, our main man Ryan "the real deal" McDill you know Ryan "do you want eat my" McDill Pickle.  Ryan got drunk and Harrison gave him the heave ho.  

I found it to be very coincidental that he was tossed leaving 24 guys, could it be that we are headed for a 12-12 vote on Kaitlyn v. Britt. 

I hate to be conspiracy guy, when true love is at stake, but did we also forget to mention that Ryan is Nikki Ferrell's ex.  You remember Nikki, the one that stayed with Who Pablo for a couple years. Was he a plant so we could end up with a 12-12 vote?  

However, if it was ABC's plan all along they made one mistake.  Ryan clearly cast his vote for Britt:

     

He looked at Britt's picture and gently tossed his rose toward her box, and there may have even been a petal or two that landed in the box.   

Can't wait for tonight!

P.S. Ryan falling out of the hot tub was comedy gold.

Prince Farming Found His Hoe

Now That We're Engaged Will You Help Me With This

Whitney Meets The Family:
It's about time Whitney gets an opportunity to meet the sisters that gave the Cinderella date to a drunk stripper instead of her.  Whitney plays it cool (of course) I would have laid into them and told them their advice means nothing, because if they had their way Chris would be out in his barn watching a laptop.  

I swear Whitney, hired a PR firm prior to meeting the family, she is too perfect.  Her toast seemed like a professionally written speech right down to the perfect time to get emotional.  This girl is polished.

Chris' sister give Chris some really great advice "Don't choose the one you love, choose the one that will move to Arlington."  Great advice.  If Mrs. JonoBeingJono didn't want to live in SoCal I would dump her, no questions asked.  

Becca Meets The Family:
Chris' family "You've known him for 25 days and you can't say I love you, you are a coldhearted wench" or something like that.  

Serious Analysis Time: I think Becca is really fun and has a great personality.  All of the girls talk about how great and fun she is, so I think that is why Chris likes her so much (and she's decently hawt). Meanwhile, Whitney is great, she is nice and a sure bet, but maybe not quite as fun and exciting as Becca.

Back to the blog: Chris' mom thinks Becca is a cross between Jerry Seinfeld and Jim Gaffigan, she could hardly sit up during Becca's standup routine.  It is a close call right now between Sean's Dad and Chris' mom for the top parent in Bachelor History (in case you're wondering no one will top Des' brother for top sibling in Bachelor History).

Becca and Chris One On One:
I cried.  You could touch how much Chris wanted Becca, but she just wouldn't give it up.  Just couldn't let those walls down.  Just couldn't accept the journey.  In the end it cost her the opportunity at finding her first love.  

Whitney and Chris One on One:
After Becca wouldn't give in, Chris accepted his fate and took Whitney to the farm where she feigned excitement over harvesting some corn.  She must really like him.  Back at the house  Whitney pours her heart out to Chris and he mumbles something and says "I reciprocate".   I've always found that telling women "ditto" or "I reciprocate your feelings" causes them to swoon.

Final Rose Ceremony:
Chris is getting ready and has his shirt off.  Boy, he really let himself go, he's getting a little flabby. Codycode just threw his shoe through his TV.  What better setting for an engagement than the place Chris raised his first pig.

First up Becca, is it a little awkward that he kissed her, five minutes before he gets engaged? Oh well Whitney's not watching so yolo.  Becca gets dumped and couldn't be more devastated errrrrr emotional errrrr sad errrrrrr when's the next flight back to San Diego, I could still hit happy hour for sushi in the gaslamp district.

Whitney shows up and thinks she is the Bachelorette as she gets real chatty and starts giving Chris a speech, uh this is not how it goes.  He gives the speech.  Chris drops to a knee and they get engaged, I can't wait for the wedding, true love is amazing.

It has been quite a hayride (farming reference) for prince farming (farm reference) as he looked for a soulesmate (last name pun).  Many of the girls were full of drama but they reaped what they sowed (farm reference) as they lost their chance at true love.  We heard a lot of corny jokes (farm reference) and despite Jade's ability to raise cocks (farming reference) she was let go.  Britt was good at moving pipe (farm reference) but alas she was also let go.  In the end Prince Farming found his true love and they can escape into the sunset singing that legendary farm rap Hay Hoe Hip Hop Hooray Hoe Hay Hoe Hay Hoe (lots of farm references).

ATFR:
What do you know Becca still doesn't care.  Harrison why the double standard?  If Becca were Who Pablo you would be killing her.  I guess its okay for white people to be cold but not latinos.

Chris and Whitney are very in love and she has been sneaking off to the farm so that Chris can plow her field.

On to some more interesting news, for the first time ever there will be 2 Bachelorettes.  My two faves from the year Britt and Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn could not be more stoked about it, Britt better watch her back.

Why Is Britt Here?

I don't see how this could go wrong.  So what if there are guys hooking up with both of them, they can't get mad because he can just say, you are dating like 10 dudes why you giving me grief about 2 girls?

Girl drama is almost always better than guy drama so at least we will still have that.   But in the end true love for 2 couples is better than true love for 1 couple so I am all for it.  
   

The Women Tell All Awards

Why can't we skip women tell all and just have the finale?

MOST IMPROVED IMAGE AWARD - Britt (Crying at the drop of a hat, she came off real sympathetic, she is just a cute girl trying to find love in a dog eat dog world and the mean girls are trying to keep her down)

MOST DIMINISHED IMAGE AWARD - Carly (First Britt destroys her and then Julian jumped into the fray and nearly beat her ass.)

BIGGEST HYPOCRITE AWARD - Juelia (Juelia are you really giving Kelsey a hard time about using Sanderson Poe to get a rose?  I seem to recall you pulling Chris away from a bikini party to let him know about your baby daddy's suicide.)

WHY ARE YOU TALKING, WERE YOU EVEN ON THE SHOW AWARD - Trina

FAKE CONFIDENCE AWARD - Jade (Jade was all gung ho to let Chris have it for letting her go after he called seeing her pictures awkward.  She confronts Chris, and Chris tells her it was awkward and she heads back to her seat.  You know what would have been more awkward?  Had Jade shown her pictures then proceeded to provide her RAP sheet which includes DUI, shoplifting and burglary.)

THE NICK AWARD - Kaitlyn (how could you have slept with me and then let me go right after?)

BEST ACTRESS AWARD - Ashley S (I am not buying it.  She is working an angle and it is working like a charm......already invited to Bachelor in Paradise.)

SLUTTIEST VIRGIN AWARD - Ashley I (Nice dress.)

HAIRIEST BUTT AWARD - Julian (We finally were told the exact reason for the Ipad on her butt.)

THE SANDERSON POE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR THE CONTESTANT MOST LIKELY TO BE ACCUSED OF SLOWLY POISONING THEIR MATE - Jade (Who else? Look at her prior criminal record.)

I can't wait for next week.  As a hopeless romantic, it warms my heart to see true love in action.  I'm going with Becca.  

P.S. My readers need to do a better job at tweeting The Bachelor and/or Chris Harrison to have them crash a bachelor party at my house.  Once this happens my life will be complete.  I put my heart and soul into this blog the least you could do is get me a bachelor party crashing.    

This Blog Will Make Your Pits Sweat

Can't Touch This

What better place to contemplate your future in Arlington, Iowa than Bali.  

Does the fantasy suite come out of Harrison's salary?  Why does Harrison right in bubble letters? Why does the fantasy suite have sheer drapes? Are monkeys just glorified rats?

One On One: Kaitlyn

Forget Neil Lane, I think the Bachelor needs to sign a product placement deal with Axe.  Chris' pits have been on serious display this season, and on his date with Kaitlyn the pits, back, shoulders and chest made a sweaty appearance.  As if the sweat wasn't enough of an aphrodisiac they proceeded to allow a bunch of monkeys to defecate all over him.   Sweaty Pits + Monkey Urine + Feces......must be time for the fantasy suite.  

Kaitlyn lets Chris know she is falling in love and Chris goes ahead and tells her he is also falling in love.  Hey, whatever it takes, to get some fantasy time before you send her packing, I'm not hating.  

P.S. Nice shorts Kaitlyn, even Jillian was jealous of those.   

One on One: Whitney

Chris and Whitney are on a boat.   It must have been a wild night with Kaitlyn because Chris could not seem more disinterested.  Did Chris say a single word on the boat?  It was nothing but Whitney talking non-stop about her sister, her job, her love for Chris etc.. etc.. and Chris looks really bored.   The only person interested in this date is the boat conductor.      

Back at dinner Chris starts to talk Whitney out of Arlington, letting her know, there is absolutely nothing to do there.  On the bright side if Whitney wants to keep her job in Chicago she could leave every morning at 3:30 to get to work by 8.  Despite Chris telling her how much she will hate it, Whitney fights through and tells him she is cool with being a mom.  With that behind them it's fantasy suite time and what better way to get some privacy than shutting a see through drape.  

One on One: Becca

Is Becca wearing umbros?  So it is fantasy suite week and Becca is a virgin, I wonder what they are going to talk about?

It was nice to see a glimpse of how profound Chris and Becca can be: 

Becca: "Going to Arlington was a big deal because I got out of the car and it was like this is real small and I remember sharing that with you and you were like...it is small."  Fascinating.

Meanwhile, Chris gets Becca back to the fantasy suite.  I was waiting for a pickup line, something along the lines of Arlington may be small, but if you get a little closer I'll show you something big.   But before Chris could make his move Becca let him know she had something to share with him. You could see Chris immediately scan the room for a laptop, or for Sanderson Poe, he's been down this road before.

Becca breaks the news and Chris takes it like a champ.  His eyebrows start to twitch out and he responds with, and I quote: "I'm glad that you you know I it never easy to respond to that kind of stuff ummm but I respect that."  I'm sure Becca felt way better with that speech.

I think Becca approached the virgin issue way wrong.  A more proven approach when you are breaking the news regarding your virginity is to show him a genie bellybutton ring and have him rub it.

Chris and Becca spend the night and the big question is did he take the flower.  Based on her twitter account @beccatilley5 it appears that all Chris got was the sugar donut.  

Rose Ceremony:

Uh oh, Chris wants to talk to Becca prior to handing out the roses.  Whitney and Kaitlyn begin the gloating....oh Chris is such a great guy he wants to let her down soft........record scratch.......he is bringing her back to the rose ceremony....uh oh.  Whitney gets a rose, no surprise there.

It is Becca v. Kaitlyn.  Who would fit better in Iowa?  The Virgin blue baller or the Nose-ring tatted out rap-star. The second Kaitlyn got the nose ring and elbow tats she lost her chance at true love with a farmer.  I did cry though when she put her head on his chest and cried by the van.  For real.  

But props to Kaitlyn she didn't let the devastation get in the way of safety, she was real intent on getting that seat-belt on.   

Can't wait for "The Women Tell Some" next week.  Here's a preview: Crazy: 1) Kelsey, 2) Ashley S. Fake: 1) Britt, 2) Kelsey.  Hurt/Sad: 1) Kaitlyn, 2) Carly.  Misunderstood/Editing Victim: 1) Jade, 2) Jordan, 3) Tara, 4) Ashley I. 

P.P.S. I think Becca's going to win.

How Has This Not Happened To Me On a Date?

Chris....Will You Accept My Rose?

I debated not recapping the majority of the episode and just getting straight to Jade.  But here goes.

One On One: Becca
Becca also gets a one on one and heads back to Chris' loft.  Becca lets Chris know she has never loved anyone.  Yeah Becca, we already know that, you're a virgin.  My bigger question with Becca is whether she is hot or not?  Sometimes, looks pretty, other angles kinda weird, not sure what to think other than it would be hard to find true love with someone who is not beautiful at all angles and at all times, even while sleeping.

Speaking of sleeping with makeup, the real important part of Becca's date is happening back at the hotel with some serious Britt drama.  The non makeupwearingwhilesleeping girls are talking smack about the makeupwearingwhilesleeping girl.  Britt comes in interrupting the mean girls session and lets them know she is all packed up and heading home.  I mean why wouldn't she?  She was on a group date and someone else got the rose, isn't that what all girls do on the group dates?

Harrison shows up and lets the girls know, there will be no cocktail party.  Do farmers not believe in cocktail parties?

Rose Ceremony 1: 
Prior to Chris handing out any roses Britt asks to talk, presumably to let him know she is leaving. Wait, why is she apologizing and asking what he thinks, I guess she is not headed home.  Britt you should know by now, when things start going bad go in for the makeout it works every time, and now look you are gone.  I'm with Carly and the girls, it is so gratifying to see beautiful people get hurt.

If you are hot I would not cross the street in front of Carly, she let a little Kelsey out when Britt got eliminated.

Carly also gets eliminated and asks why can't someone just want her.  Umm, because you are an insecure, busybody prude who is not as hot as Britt.

Becca Hometown Date:
Becca's family pretty much let's Chris know that Becca is extremely cold and that if he likes intimacy he probably shouldn't count on getting it from Becca.  In fact Becca's sister lets us know that the most excitement Chris will get by going to the fantasy suite with Becca is a sugar donut.  Is the sugar donut some type of new technique I am not aware of?  If not, Chris better get rid of Becca ASAP.

Whitney Hometown Date:
Could Whitney and The Bachelor make my jokes any easier?   Whitney takes Chris to her fertility clinic and lets him know that before she can get more serious she will need a specimen, she leads him into the specimen making room (in this day and age why are homes not built with specimen rooms? Do we really use formal dining rooms anymore?  But a specimen room seems like it could really increase resale value of your home..food for thought).  Back to the date.  Chris enters the room and is not backing down, I mean the room has a full supply of Jade pics to aid him in creating the specimen. I would have paid any amount of money for Chris to head to the magazine rack only to find Jade smiling back at him.

Whitney's sister gives Chris the business and is unwilling to give her blessing until Whitney is the only one left.  Might I suggest that The Bachelor have a cell phone handy at the proposal altar on the last episode.  Whitney loves Chris and is putting some real distance between her and the competition. How ironic that Whitney and Chris will be engaged and one month prior they told people at the wedding party they crashed that they were engaged.  Apparently Whitney and Chris were passing out more spoilers than Reality Steve (do not google Reality Steve, unless you want to know who wins, I avoid him and his site like the AIDS).

Kaitlyn Hometown:
Kaitlyn's hometown date included a rap session.  Now, I know Chris had yet to visit Jade, but I think I could have done a much better rap:
My name is Chris and I grow corn
Why hasn't Jade told me she does porn
Arlington, Iowa is super rad
After speaking to Whitney's sister I wish she had a dad
Kaitlyn is a super good rapper
And now I hear that Becca hasn't let anyone tap her
I thought me and Britt would be a perfect fit
Why is Carly mad at her and not Jade for showing the world her t**

Kaitlyn seems cool but has no shot, although she looked pretty good at the rose ceremony, props.

Jade Hometown (Best Hometown Date in Bachelor History):
This was everything I have been waiting for.  This date will go down in the annals of Bachelor history as one of the greatest 15 minutes ever.

So the vibe we got from Becca's family was the exact opposite vibe from Jade's family.  Becca's sister implied that Becca may be a virgin for life, while Jade's brother pretty much called his sister a woman of the night.

I loved when Chris gave Jade the Letterman's jacket and went on and on to the family about how he is so impressed by her small town values.  The family was looking at him like they saw an alien, the Dad pretty much said are we talking about the same person.  You do know she moved to LA right, you do know she has been working on her "modeling".   Too good.

So Chris and Jade leave to get some private time together, oh and what private time it was.  Jade finally breaks the news that she did Playboy.  Chris' eyes turn into little slits and it is getting real awkward, so what better way to break the awkwardness than to offer to show him the spread.  Jade breaks out the computer and Chris gets to see not only pics but a video not only upper but full frontal. Chris' face when she took off the bottoms was priceless.

The good news for Jade is Chris lets her know that he will not judge her for her past decisions and Jade is relieved.

Rose Ceremony No. 2:
Chris judges Jade and lets her go. Poor Jade, she lost out on Arlington, Iowa and has to head back to Chatsworth.