Bachelor Recap - Kissing, Crying, Sobbing and Lennay Kekua

My Neck Hurts

I am going to have to fight through my puffy eyes to type this week.  There was a lot of crying going on and this time it wasn't just the girls seeking true love.

For those of you that are interested in my fantasy bachelor league, my only remaining girl is AshLee and after this week I couldn't be happier with my pick, I had a feeling this week would be her coming out party.  When she told Sean about being adopted I melted and when it brought Sean to tears (legitimate tears at that) I fell for Sean, he is the most legit bachelor ever and deserves true love.

Now, on to the hysterics.

One on One Date - White Leslie:
Is anyone else as impressed as I am that Sean's dad holds a Guinness World Record?  He traveled the 48 contiguous states in 97 hours.  I am a connoisseur of maps and I found the feat quite impressive.  Not wanting to be outdone Sean and Leslie are given the opportunity to have the longest on camera kiss and proceed to give us the most boring 3 minutes and 17 seconds in Bachelor history.  I had to hit my 30 second button three times I was so bored.

We then found out that Leslie is smart because she took some AP classes.  Who hasn't failed an AP exam?  jonobeingjono failed three of them.  You are going to have to show me more than that to prove your intelligence.  

Group Date - A Day at the Beach:
So the group date gave the girls a good chance to break out the bikinis and act a fool.  In the end they had a volleyball grudge match to see who would have the opportunity to spend quality 1 on 6 time with Sean.  As an accomplished volleyball player myself I saw that the ringer was clearly Des.  I am not buying that the match was that close after seeing her serve.

The best part of the whole episode was watching the reaction of the losing team, literally crying.  Kristy
completely lost it that she would not have the change to have quality 1 on 6 time and was literally crying/sobbing about her misfortune of spending a day at the beach.  Also literally crying on the trip back to the mansion was Black Leslie, which was odd considering her and Sean have not spoken one work to each other.

Sean proceeded to spend time with the 6 winners and Kasie proceeded to implode (I bet she wishes they never won that volleyball game).  As a Bachelor Authority here is a free tip on how not to find true love: DON'T TATTLE.  We all know that snitches get stitches, but apparently Kasie never got the memo.  Kasie's grand plan to woo Sean was to take him aside and tell him that Des and Amanda's relationship was not allowing her to be herself? Huh?  Sean asks for an explanation of how this has anything to do with Kasie and she says she is being put in the middle of Des and Amanda's drama?  5 minutes later and Kasie was literally crying.

One on One Date - AshLee, and the Charity Girls:
The final date card comes and Tierra reads it as AshLee and Selma, psyche it doesn't really say Selma, gotcha suckers.  Tierra then fakes a fall down the stairs right before Sean arrives in an attempt to derail the date.  Pretty normal way to get attention from a man, if you ask me.  Somehow Tierra powered through and skipped a trip to the hospital on a paralysis board, what a trooper.

Sean and Ashlee end up at Magic Mountain and Sean breaks the news that they will be spending the date doing charity work and that two sick girls who are best friends online would be coming and meeting for the first time.  The first girl gets out of the limo and they tell her that the friend she has never met will also be joining them.  The limo pulls up and I thought for sure that Lennay Kukua would be popping out of the limo but alas it was her online friend.

The group spends a fabulous day at Magic Mountain and it ends with both AshLee and Sean literally crying which left jonobeingjono literally crying.   The emotional moment was then ruined when we learned that during their heart to heart convo there was a creepy band standing two feet behind them in the dark the whole time.  Also a little awkward was AshLee saying I want as many kids as I can pop out..........errrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........as my husband and I decide to have.  

Cocktail Party:
The final cocktail party just turns into a game of musical chairs with all of the girls pulling at Sean like he is a piece of taffy.

Sean takes Sarah outside and tells her he has a surprise for her, I don't know why but I thought he was surprising her with a prosthetic arm or a hook.  Apparently I am the jerk as Sean is a pure sweetheart bringing her dog to say hello.

Kacie tries to get back in the game after tattlegate by wearing a workout top as a dress.  Kacie, wearing an extra long LuluLemon workout top does not a dress make.  It doesn't work and Sean sends her packing, but of course in true Sean style, in a very classy way.  

Also clipped were Kristy (the devastated volleyballer) and Taryn (no one cares about her).


13 girls remain and if I had to predict who will be fantasysuiting in the end I would go with AshLee, Sarah and White Leslie.

And for who gets the boot next week I'll go with Robyn and Daniella.  

Bachelor Recap: Please God Don't Send Me To Atlantis

I Wish Someone Could Love Me

 FIRST ONE ON ONE - SARAH:
When Sean and Sarah got to the top of the building did anyone else think that ABC was going to make Sarah rappell down the side of the building, you know one hand on the caribiner and one hand on the rope, oops, better go for the free fall, oops it is illegal for the disabled to be attached to a cable, ummm hurry up and jump already, I'm surprised Sean and Sarah weren't pushed off the edge before the popos got there to shut them down therein forcing Sarah to "prove to Sean and the entire world" that they could define their character and prove their love to each other walking down 35 flights of stairs.

And why is Sean telling Sarah over and over that she just has to trust him with the free fall equipment, shouldn't the operator of the free fall be the one telling her to trust him.

GROUP DATE:
The group date was really edgy and exciting as the girls got to pretend they were harlots in a Harlequin novel aka a regular day in the life of 90% of these lovely ladies.

Sean got to see another side of white Leslie, namely her extremely toned abdomen.   Sean proceeded to ask white Leslie why she was there and her response was:  Honestly..............(long pause)........ (oh boy here it comes a) to be a contestant on the bachelor pad; b) to have a spinoff reality show; c) to meet a celebrity; d) free booze; and/or e) to try and sleep with Harrison) alas the disappointment when she replied to find true love, oh well.

Kristy broke a network television record for the most times saying the word ecstatic in one episode.

Tierra acted utterly Vienna/Courtneyesque by being mean to the other girls while being nice to Shawn (I mean the nerve of her).  We all know this is not a formula for eternal love, oh wait if you can combine being mean to the other girls with a dash of sluttiness it is the perfect recipe for stealing the Bachelor's heart just ask Jake and Ben.

After the Harlequin acting Shawn says "I am ready to get out of these clothes so let's have a pool party" then proceeds to put a suit jacket on and hang out by a pool.  Shawn, I have been to a pool party and usually it requires you or at least someone at the party getting in the pool.

SECOND ONE ON ONE - DESIREE (AKA WINNIE COOPER)
Wow the chemistry between Sean and Des was literally palpable.  I couldn't help but find Des to be super cute in a Winnie Cooper kind of way.  I can only imagine what Kevin would have done to Winnie had she broken out the same bikini that Des did for the hot tub scene.

The date was a real blast, Sean really tricked poor Des into thinking she broke a million dollar piece of art, what a riot.  Where do they come up with this stuff, genius.

I do think Des has to be considered a frontrunner at this point, so long as her ex boyfriend doesn't show up and get knocked out by Sean.

FINAL COCKTAIL PARTY:
Lindsay showed Sean another side of her.......the non-drunk side.

Amanda gives the girls the silent treatment, which pisses the girls off but I've always found the silent treatment to be a very effective way of sending a message.

(Beware Touchy Social Commentary Coming):  I don't think many could argue that when it comes to analyzing the way to find true love on a reality show that I am The Authority.  Usually the easiest way to not find true love is to be a minority.   When handicapping these shows the first couple weeks are very easy to predict just eliminate all of the drunks and and all of the minorities and then we can get down to finding true love.

Leave it to Robyn to address this taboo subject in a very direct and uncomfortable manner by asking Sean the same question we were all asking, what is up with you keeping 3 black girls, an Arab and several really tan white girls?

Then Sean drops the bomb, his last girlfriend was black, and I believe him because he said black and not African-American.

EVICTION CEREMONY:
Nothing to shocking here, a few girls we haven't seen before get sent home and we learn an important lesson that if we are not good we will be sent to Atlantis.


All in all I must say it wasn't the most exciting of Bachelor episodes but according to the previews it should heat up next week when the girls break Tierra's neck. 

Finally! What a Way to Ring In The New Year....True Love Is Back!

50 Shades Of Awesome

Some of you may find this surprising, but this is the first time that I have participated in a Bachelor Fantasy Draft.   There are 8 players in the fantasy league and I must say when the episode began I was feeling pretty good with my selections, I had Slut Ashley (Shades of Gray, Tie Me Up Chick); Adopted Ashley (I'm so sweet and need someone to take care of me); and Lauren (I'm Italian my Dad will break your legs haha).

Prior to the season starting I was somewhat disappointed by the selection of Shawn, however call me crazy but I am all in, he is really growing on me.  I mean Harrison did say he is the most genuine Bachelor they have ever had and we all know how I respect Harrison.  His hanging with Arie prior to meeting the girls was very funny.  Arie helping him practice the breakup with "that's not what you told me last night in the fantasy suite" was really classic.

So when these girls get out of the limo do they think they are meeting a girl, they come up with the most girly ideas (let's throw a penny in a fountain; let's play paddycake paddycake;  let's wear a wedding dress; let's leave lipstick on him; let's show him a back handstand; let's play football (Explicit Warning), now if she had played the center rather than him that would have been appealing).

One of the first questions we always have to ask on week 1 is who will get drunk first? And the winner is...........Lindsay (Wedding Dress).  The ultimate walk of shame, walking back into the house in a wedding dress, drunk after trying and failing to french Shawn.  And just when you thought there could only be one, 50 shades of slurring made an appearance.  

In the fantasy draft I really wanted Sarah with my first pick, but she was gone, and I hate to say this because she seems real sweet and I'm not saying I wouldn't date her, but I ummmmm should I say this, wellllll, okay I don't think Shawn is going to marry a girl with one arm. I hate myself.
 ,
Why did the Utah girl make her own skirt? Homemaking night went too far. 

"I'm Italian and my dad said if you break my heart he'll break your legs haha just kidding"? Oh thank goodness you were kidding we thought you were serious.

Double back handstand minus one of the handstands was so awesome.  She had to have been bleeding, I so wish she would have had a short skirt so we could see her leg bleeding. 

So in the end Shawn keeps Wedding dress and drops 50 shades from Detroit, WTH?  Shawn, did you not hear her interview at the end - "Shawn could have *&$^#d me." and now the next person she meets when she gets home gets tied up and %$*#d.  Oh well at least he is not getting true love mixed up with *#^!ing.  
There is so much more to write but I have to get going I have um, "business" in Detroit and have to book a ticket asap.

  

Daniel Rodriguez Story

In honor of Veteran's Day an awesome story about Daniel Rodriguez.

And the follow up story:

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=espn:8613738

Baddest 9 Year Old Girl on the Planet

If you haven't seen this clip circulating the internet you have to check out 9 year old, GIRL, Samantha Gordon from Salt Lake City, Utah.

This chick is dominant.  The Utes should definitely be studying her film.  John White for one could learn a thing or two about how to hit the hole.

A Good Day To Invest In Creatine

Last night's Bachelor Pad will go down in the annals of reality TV as the most shocking episode ever.   As Erica Rose so eloquently summed up "I feel bad for Rachel she was so close to having love and the money but in the end got nothing."

The episode started with the usual stuff, an interview with Michael where we shockingly learned that he wasn't really into Rachel and that he didn't really go on the Bachelor Pad just to find love.  Michael, how could you?  We trusted you!  The interview ended with Rachel in tears, but trust me the night was only beginning for Rachel (Sidenote: Has anyone checked on Rachel?  She should be spending the next week in a padded room.)

We then get the big news that Blakeley and Tony are moving in together......oh wait psyche he is asking her to marry him.  The proposal was so romantic, Tony was stumbling all over himself and when he asked her to marry him her response was are you f#*^#*g kidding me?  Ahhhhh so cute.  In reality Tony is a smart dude to lock it down.

Chris then gets annihilated for the way he treated the poor pure and chaste girls of the bachelor pad.  Don't hate on Chris though the game just got the best of him.   Who hasn't played a game and ended up sleeping with 3 chicks in a 5 day stretch?  That game gets the best of me every time.

Finally we get to the vote where Nick and Rachel easily win and have to come to the decision to keep or share the money and then history happened.    

In case you weren't watching here is a summary:

Suck It Rachel

Nick completely screwed Rachel by taking the whole $250,000 leaving Rachel with $0, and Rachel's response:

F

Nick shocked the world and took all the money leaving Rachel out in the cold.  Nick gave a classic speech about how they all treated him like he was an idiot, but look who are the idiots now.  I was very happy that no one from the Ed, Jaclyn, Rachel, Michael clique got any money.  Michael tries to make Nick feel bad for not taking Rachel's feelings into consideration, uh pot calling kettle.

Nick dramatically leaves the stage with a little hottie waiting in the back only to have Rachel chase him down for an explanation.  Nick coldly tells her he's gotta go and exits to a waiting limo, so classic.

The last scene of the episode shows all of the contestants slamming Nick for being an idiot who can't string more than 10 words together.  Well done ABC.   I don't think anyone will ever ever miss another episode of the Bachelor Pad.....I know I won't.

P.S. GNC you better stock up because there is a meathead with $250,000 burning a hole in his pocket.  My guess on how he spent the money: 1) Supplements; 2) Creatine; 3) Big Truck; 4) Pit Bull; 5) Cream for the Backne; 6) Overdraft Fees; 7) Tanning Oil; 8) Bowflex.

  

Bachelor Pad - I would pay $62,500 to spend a day with Michael

If you aren't watching Bachelor Pad, shame on you!  Last night's episode was an instant classic.

Those who know me, know that I love spelling and even more I love spelling bees.  When Harrison announced that the challenge was going to be a spelling bee between all of the morons I knew we were in for some comedy gold.   Ed spell cockamamie uhhhh c-o-c-k-a-m-a-y.  Blakeley spell obsessive, no problem o-b-e-e-s-v.  Lindzi spell Lindsay, you want me to spell my own name? L-i-n-d-z-i.  Sorry in the literate world Lindsay is spelled L-I-N-D-S-A-Y.  Lindzi also went on to spell jewelry wrong.

The main focus of the episode was on poor Rachel who has to go on the next four days of taping without Michael Stagliano.  How will she ever survive.  She mentioned Michael approximately 84 times in the two hour episode.  At one point she states the money is just not worth being without Michael.  So if I add it up that means you are willing to pay $62,500 per day to hang out with Michael.  Trust me Rachel, if he saw last night's episode you are getting dropped.

I loved when the girls were all hanging out talking about what they would do with the money and Rachel said she would go on a dream vacation, Blakeley chimed in that she could finally afford cable?  To which Jaclyn chimed in "you won't have to wax vag*&% any more."  Too good!  Which begs the question has there ever been a better combination of hot v. crazy than Blakeley, I think not.


Chris and Sarah eventually win the spelling bee after 14 sudden death rounds of missed word after missed word, I thought that thing was going until the end of time.   They get the overnight date to wine country where Chris oddly admits that he is still getting over his relationship with Emily.  You are now classifying the two dates you went on with Emily as a relationship you need to get over?  Don't sweat it man, she is already cheating on Jef by sexting with Matt Leinart.  Chris goes on to have a roll in the hay with Sarah, did we forget that this cute little Sarah is the same girl that had drunken sex with Ed in week one?

You know Matt Leinart, former Trojan, Heisman Trophy Winner and Hot Tub Legend:

Leinart Used This Same Line When Texting Emily

Speaking of drunken sex, Ed and Jaclyn as a consolation prize get to go on an overnight date.  The awkwardness that started last week when Ed sternly told Jaclyn they were not a couple only got worse when Ed admits that he is in love with a girl back home.   Despite completely shutting Jaclyn down and telling her he felt like she wanted him to update his status on facebook Jaclyn proceeds to give it up again.  Hey if drunken sex doesn't make him fall in love the first 15 times try 16.

In the end Kalon made a desperate plea to get rid of Nick and Rachel and ABC contrived some drama to make it seem as if there was a chance that Nick and Rachel would get voted off, however alas Kalon and Lindzi were sent packing.  In a romantic gesture Kalon joing Lindzi in her limousine and talks about how he is the big winner since he found Lindzi.  Isn't this the same delta bravo that flew into the Bachelorette on a helicopter and acted a fool for the whole season?   What a change of heart he has had.  I was disappointed to seem him go as he seemed like the best candidate to not split the money with his partner at the end.

Four couples remain and based  on the previews some serious drama awaits.