The Bachelor Gives Back

Let's Get Crunk!

Finally, the dating begins.  There is no better way to see how a guy will act in the real world than going on some normal everyday dates and we all know a good time is coming once charity gets involved.

One on One: Eric
Who hasn't started a date at the beach followed by a helicopter ride to go snowboarding followed by a nightcap in a beautiful cabin?  We learn that Eric is now cool with getting married because a lot of his friends have gotten married and they are still cool and their lives aren't over (perhaps he was thinking of JBJ readers Canon and Kristen, you guys made a great impression on him!)  Did anyone else find Eric talking about near death in Syria a little eery?

Group Date: Stripping For A Cause
Before I break down the group date I would like to announce that my wife is going to be out of town on Thursday and I will be hosting a charity event at the house.  If you are a local stripper or female with so/so morals who likes to make your community better please be at my house with your favorite g-string.  All the money I donate will be returned to me to give to my favorite charity "jonobeingjono gives back".  Nevermind that I take a salary for running jonobeingjono and none of the money actually goes to charity just focus on twerking. 

I must say this date was a brilliant idea to flush out the large percentage of dudes who may or may not be interested in participating in a Bachelorette/Brokeback marathon.  Bingo, right on queue Craig goes gaga over Josh's beautiful face and chest and Tasos is there a reason your speedo is growing and our final victim hairdresser Brett sure seems to have a wandering eye.  Well, that takes care of three potential husbands.

The nightcap ended with a serious record scratch with Craig getting totally wasted and jumping in the pool with Nick S (Nick if you are shocked at why you got sent packing look no further than the moment you decided to jump in the pool with drunk/gay Craig).  

One on One: Chris
Chris is straight adorable.  He meets up with Andi at the horse races and compares himself to Pretty Woman.  I'm not sure I get the comparison, who is the prostitute and didn't Pretty Woman have a no kiss on the lips rule?  It was a beautiful night and I can see the love blossoming.

Cocktail Party:
Josh lets Andi know that he hasn't dated a girl in 5 years.  Why do hot people always try to play the I haven't had a date in X amount of years card?  Cassandra played that card last year and no one believes it.  I'm sure Andi immediately thought oh poor Josh he can't find a girl who would go out on a date with him, I'll date him.

In the end Carl, Craig and Nick S get the boot.  Many were surprised by Carl, but not me, the sheer number of tats he exposed when he took his shirt off for charity spelled the end for him.  Craig and Nick took a drunk swim together and then had to take the walk of shame off the show together. 

This Blog Is Better Than Chris Bukowski's

Can't Blame Chris For Waiting Outside For a Week to Meet Her

Time to come clean, I've always been an Andi fan and this will undoubtedly be the most magical, dramatic, sensual, exciting season ever.

Let's get started:

1. Should I be an annoying lawyer?  Why not.  Do we really need this overly lame courtroom scene?  Anybody notice that there was no client, no opposing counsel, no bailiff, no clerk, no one in the Courtroom when Andi was working her magic.  Andi it is a lot easier to get what you want from a judge with no one opposing you, not to mention a one on one conversation with a judge out of the presence of opposing counsel is what we call an ex parte communication which is not only illegal but could put you and that judge's licenses in jeopardy.

2. Brett.  You are a gay hairdresser with a mullet that stole a lamp from the hotel in an attempt to impress Andi.  It worked she gave you a rose.  ABC you are making it hard for me to try and convince people that this is real when you keep guys like this around.

3. Eric.  I'm not going to speak ill of the dead (SPOILER ALERT), but I do want to know about his occupation as an "explorer".  I thought that occupation left with Magellan and Ponce De Leon, but apparently not.  My career counselors failed me. 

4. Tasos.  This guy is a wedding event coordinator, wow, I can't believe that.  I was also shocked to see him pull the lover's bridge lock out, so adorable.  Did someone let him know that Andi is not short for Andrew and that this is not The Bachelor. 

5. Bradley.  He is an opera singer and Andi said he is "worldly" so classic.  I was going to say that he definitely has "mundo".  I would pay good money to see him and Sharleen make out. 

6. Cody.  Push the limo up the driveway, classic meathead move, James would be so proud.  Guarantee that by week five he will be talking about how he is going to be the next Bachelor and that when he gets back home he is going to hook up with Dylan and hook up with some rich chicks on a boat.

7. Jason.  So clever announcing you are an MD and that you can diagnose someone just by looking at them followed by a lame you have a fever because you are hot, heeeyyyyo.  Jason I am no Dr. but if I were to diagnose you I would say you have a UTI because you are a douchebag.

8. Marcus and Patrick both played alleged professional soccer.  Ummmm, memo to ABC Casting, Andi hates international soccer players...essss ok ring a bell.

9.  I must say I was surprised by the love affair going on between Andrew and Patrick they definitely got each other's first impression rose.  I saw a male love affair coming but I thought it was going to be Brett and Tasos, boy was I wrong.

10. Josh B, yes you did embarass yourself, with your afterspeech.  We had not seen you yet and had no idea who you were, just slip out and no harm done, but instead you decided to go all expletive on the afterspeech, embarassing.

11. Chris Bukowski, are you serious?  Did you really head up to Malibu and pitch a tent outside the Bachelor mansion for the last week,, hoping for the chance to meet Andi?  How did this guy make final four with Emily?  How did this guy sleep with two chicks on the same day on Bachelor Pad?  How did this guy get a bachelor/ette recap blog?  Lots of intriguing questions.  

12. J.J. is a pantsaprenuer.  I used to be a pizzaprenuer when I worked at Papa John's.

13. Rudie.  You aren't helping us barristers to look cool.  Did I see you give Andi a laminated "4th waiver" of the right to find out your story, gag.  Not surprised that you are a defense lawyer, borrring.  I hope to see you sometime in a trial.  

14. Josh M. Hot. 

15. Apparently it is better to have receding hair like Nick S. than long hair like Mike, Steven and Jason (all voted out).

Should be a good one, my early favorites Nick V., Marcus and Brian