She Got Her Beefcake

Gold Beats Silver

The episode begins with the typical kooks in the audience and then Harrison lets us know that there is some late breaking news that ABC has just learned in the last 24 hours.  What could it be......Lindsay is pregnant.......Sean and Catherine eloped, how am I going to wait three hours for this.

Pan to Sean with his family and his nephew letting him know that he is a loser and that Emily didn't pick him, classic.

Meet the Family:
Catherine meets the fam, and I think she forgot her shoes.  The meeting goes great and Sean's Dad steals the show, this guy needs his own show.

Lindsay meets the fam, and she forgot to apply tatt-off.  The meeting also goes great with Sean's Dad once again stealing the show.  Sean's mom awkwardly asks what they have been doing, well you know we have just been hooking up non stop errrrrr I mean feeding monkeys.   The fam also asks her about the wedding dress incident on night one, to which she gives an awkward giggle, well you know a little too much champagne hahahahaha.  Lindsay ends the family meeting by asking Sean's dad for his son's hand in marriage, good one Lindsay you are a regular Jerry Seinfeld.

Sean's mom proceeds to break down and let Sean know he is going to have to put a lot of thought into this, sound advice, she better put a lockdown on her hubby because as soon as he leaves her he is America's No. 1 most eligible Bachelor.

Sean and Lindsay Date:
Sean and Lindsay go floating on a river and Sean informs her that Myanmar is on the other side of the river and Laos is up where the mountains are.  Trust me Lindsay has no clue what you are talking about.  Sean and Lindsay make some fake hand binoculars and giggle, oh they are so much fun together.  Back to the suite where Lindsay has crafted some love themed lanterns (she stole that idea from Ashleigh's season).  They release the lanterns, make out some more and Sean leaves.  Pretty boring date for the final two.    

Sean and Catherine Date:
Sean and Catherine go Elephant riding and are being their cute selves.  They head back to the Suite and Catherine finally lets those ever important walls down and gives Sean a touching I Love You to which he responds "I had a great day" which sends Catherine into a crying panic attack following by some stalking, but  it worked.

Studio Audience/Losers Analysis:
Harrison gets two women from the audience to break it down for us and they let us know that he has such great chemistry with both and that it could be either one of them that gets picked.  Wow, thanks for the in depth analysis, I didn't realize that he was going to pick one of them.

On to the losers, Leslie lets us know it will be Catherine and tries to make a funny joke about multiplying haha.  Sarah, Ashlee and some girl named Jackie, who was allegedly on the show, all say it will be Lindsay.  Harrison awkwardly proceeds to ask Ashlee why the remaining girls were better than her.  Harrison, have you not heard that she has abandonment issues, leave the poor girl alone.  

(ABC I am not falling for this note, don't even try it)

The Engagement/Breakup:
Finally the moment we have all been waiting for, I am breathless, heart racing, palms sweating.  The girls and Sean are getting ready and we can easily determine that Sean definitely has a bigger rack than Lindsay, this could be problematic for her.

Lindsay lets us know that this is everything she has ever wanted and that it was dangling right in front of her
(Insert Sean dangling in front of her joke, this is almost as easy as Catherine saying she was going out on a limb)

First out of the Mitsubishi Montero (wait a second is that a foot tat) why yes it is Lindsay, oh and she also has a wrist tat, umm why have we not seen this before, talk about clever editing.
Strike 1: Wedding dress getting out of the limo
Strike 2: Too much champagne night one
Strike 3: Multiple tats
and she is out.

Lindsay asks Sean was it me?  No it wasn't you it was the multiple tattoos and the fact that you got out of the limo in a wedding dress, but it had nothing to do with you.  Lindsay rips off her high heels and heads for the Mitsubishi (ABC if you're not going to spring for a Limo could you at least go with an Escalade or a Tahoe), I half expected Lindsay to throw her hair up into a pony and reveal that she had  a t-shirt and sweats on underneath.  She is obviously devastated, I mean they fed monkeys together.

Finally Harrison delivers the letter we have been waiting for and shockingly ABC got us again, it wasn't Catherine dumping Sean but rather a beautiful love note.

Finally arriving is my dear sweet Catherine, I gotta give it to her she looks great and she has a golden smile.  I feel it necessary to remind you of my blog from January 29, 2013 and I quote: "Why is Catherine not getting any love?  She is absolutely my favorite.  She has the cutest face of anyone left and she is comedy gold.  Let me remind you of some her classic quotes: "Oh Tierrable", "I'm vegan but I love the beef", About Kacie B showing up in week 1 "animal attack on the eyeballs".  Catherine if it doesn't work out with Sean I would love to have you as a guest poster on JBJ."

I am not giving myself enough credit, I could not have been more right.

I must admit my heart melted a bit during the proposal it was the most beautiful and dramatic proposal in Bachelor history.  And Tierra's eyebrow has nothing on Catherine's nostrils which went nuts during the proposal, but what do you expect no one can control their nostrils without botox or perhaps a nose job.  In honor of the nostril flaring I have started a twitter page to compete with @TierrasEyebrow it is @cathys_nostril so go ahead and give it a follow for any updates on the nostrils.

Alright lets get to this late breaking news and it is: Sean and Catherine will be getting married at an undetermined date on TV.  You can't be serious with this one Harrison.  Tell me this is not what you were hyping for the last three hours, alas that is our breaking news (insert sound of overbidding on the showcase showdown on price of right).

Last but not least we learn that Des is the next Bachelorette, she should be pretty entertaining and just imagine when the final two have to meet Nate, look out.  My brother is a finalist and if he does make it and Des comes to our hometown I can't wait to give her the Nate treatment and call her nothing but a playgirl.


Well, it has been a truly epic season filled with drama, romance and in the end true love.  Until the Bachelorette starts in May I may have to find some other shows to blog about, judging from the commercials tonight Preachers' Daughters looks like a good candidate.  Until next time just remember that if your relationship is not as exciting as Sean and Catherine's you are a failure destined for breakup and/or divorce.

JBJ

Women Tell All: The Sparkle Is Back

I Am Awesome

Who Loves the Bachelor? Yay
Who Loves Sean? Yayyyyyyy
Who Loves Sean With His Shirt Off? Did two girls in the audience really just high five, oh yes they did.

The episode begins with Harrison and Sean hitting the road in a party bus to ambush some viewing parties.  I love how Harrison was talking like they were undercover spies, whispering to Sean to come on as if the people at the party had no idea they were coming.

The sorority house got somewhat interesting as the girls went JBJ at Lake Havasu circa 1995 with a "take it off" chant.  Their chant works and frat boy Sean takes it off.  I am already planning my chant for  Des when she and Harrison come to my viewing party for next season's Bachelorette.

Anyone else notice that there wasn't a single dude at the viewing parties?  Am I the only man in America who can appreciate true love?

In a new twist Bachelor producers are letting us listen in on conversations which are taking place while the show is supposedly not live, ewwwww how edgy we are getting such inside information I feel like a Hollywood Insider.  

Finally the moment we are all waiting for Tierrable the Tierraorist is going to make her appearance.  After a stern lecture from Harrison about hearing her out Tierra joins him on stage to a smattering of claps.

10 things we learned from Tierra in the hotseat:
1) Tierra is misunderstood.
2) AshLee lies but is not a liar
3) Tierra is engaged but no comment on when it happened (is a no comment allowed on a women tell all?).
4) There was a girl named Brooke on the show that we have never seen before who has a lot to say about the Tierra situation despite having only been with her for 2 hours the first night.
5) Robyn and Leslie are shocked by Tierra's lack of regret for her actions.  Leslie must have had the "she made her own cot now she can lie it" joke teed up for weeks, she couldn't even get through the joke without chuckling.
6) If Selma says good morning you damn well better say good morning back.
7) Tierra was Little Miss Nevada, hence her sparkle is legit. 
8) Tierra lights up a room with the morals that she has.
9) Tierra has a father (I thought she had broken family trailer park written all over her)
10) Tierra cannot in fact control her eyebrows.


I was left wanting after the Tierra interview, she lost her swagger, I wanted her to tell those b#*%#es to kiss her ring.

Next up in the hotseat was Sarah.  The only eventful part of her interview was the woman in the audience fighting through tears to say she was my favorite.   Basically we learn from Sarah that she is smart, funny, nice but will never marry, due to her one arm.

Future Bachelorette Des lets us know she is perfect and Sean blew it.  I actually may have to agree, I think she was his best option.  Sean lets us know that Des hides behind her smile and wouldn't let him in (you didn't take her to the fantasy suite so how do you know?).

Did anyone else notice when Sean came out and the girls were clapping that ABC panned to Sarah clapping, that's messed up.

AshLee turns the drama up a bit by letting us know that Sean confessed to her in the fantasy suite that he had no feeling for the other girls.  Don't trip Sean, who amongst us hasn't said something untrue to gain an advantage while in a fantasy suite?   AshLee get over it you were boring and he didn't want to come home every day from work to hear about your abandonment issues.

The previews look pretty intense for the finale.  I paused on the letter and tried to view it with a magnifying glass and (spoiler alert: I was able to spot the words Sean and ripping).  I have been predicting for weeks that the letter is from Des.  ABC has duped me one too many times over the years (ie Sean lives with his parents, Des has a possessive boyfriend, Tierra was on the show to find love) I am not falling for the illusion that on off the women left him at the altar with a letter.

Did Catherine really just say in the preview she is "going out on a limb" (insert tree joke), that is just too easy, I need more of a challenge than that.

I can't wait for next week's 3 hour extravaganza, you can join me on twitter @jonobeingjono for a live tweet up throughout the episode.        

(He better not pick Lindsay)