The REAL Housewives

The Real Housewives of New York City brought us some very interesting characters and some good comedic relief.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta gave us a humorous and intriguing peak into Atlanta's social elite.

But really, it is so nice to have the originals back, none other than the REAL Housewives of Orange County. The old standbys Vicky, Jeana and Lauri are still kickin it and luckily we got rid of Quinn and the longest cleavage I have ever seen for the young vixen Gretchen who joins last years new addition Tamra.

I must say that Vicky is perhaps the most easy person to hate on reality T.V., just the sound of her voice is enough to give any man e.d. I loved how she treated Gretchen at their day at the spa, Gretchen can't just expect to come into the clique and be treated like a human.

Is there a better example of someone who is hot from afar but up close is painful to look at than Lauri. Great looking woman and then boom her messed up lip surgery slaps you in the face (BTW, I think she is the one leaving this week, she seems to bothered to be on the show anymore now that she has a rich husband).

One disappointment this year is what happened to Tammy and her two daughters. They brought an interesting aspect to the group (you know the poor aspect) but now they are just gone with no explanation.

The best line from last week had to come from Tamra when Gretchen was walking down her driveway to get in the limo "Hold on to your daddies here comes Gretchen", what a classic statement.

Stay tuned this week to see if it truly is Lauri that is leaving the show.

P.S. Vicki buy the yacht, who cares what Donn or your prudish daughter say!

The Death of Death Row

So a few weeks ago I was in Bankruptcy Court (just another day as an Esquire Extraordinaire) and one of the cases called before mine was the Death Row Records case. The Judge called the case and 9 white lawyers promptly proceeded to rise to represent varying interests.

I couldn't help but reminisce about the old days of Death Row.....Suge, Tupac, Dre, Snoop and the crew runnin the west coast, hangin fools like Vanilla Ice from balconies, and now what....reduced to a bunch of white attorneys trying to weasel any crumbs left from the Empire.

This was the day before the election and I was just about to give up hope that Black America would ever get the respect they deserve. Then I thought about the poignant words of Tupac in his epic song Changes "we aint ready to see a black president" followed by the stirring Nas video "Black President" and I know Pac has to be smilin on the Island where he is living.

Pac the masters to all your songs may have been sold to creditors through the U.S. Bankruptcy Court, but at least we got a black president....or at least a Hawaiian president.

Perfect Portrayal of 95% of Zoobies

I think this speaks for itself, no need for further discussion on this one.

My Graceful Entry On To The Field

Alright look at the 1:17 point, I am in a white long sleeve t-shirt, you see me go over the wall but it takes a good 17 seconds to see me emerge. Tanner was right behind me in the brown sweatshirt.

I'm Backkkkkkkk

Alright so I obviously have not had my priorities in order over the last month and it took an episode of Friday Night Lights to make me realize that I need to get it together, from now on it goes as follows in order of importance:

1) TV/Blog

2) Religion (just to be safe)

3) Homemade Salsa

4) Family

5) Work

I promise to never again put causing division, strife and pain by suing as many people, corporations and families as possible....before my blog.

Now back to Friday Night Lights. HANDS DOWN THE BEST SHOW ON TV. I love you Office, Lost, Hills, Island, One Tree Hill and 90210 but Friday Night Lights has it all...Teen Drama and Angst...Comedy...Good Writing...Great Characters.

I know it got jettisoned to the Directv channel (101 for those with Directv) which limits many potential viewers, (however to those without Directv let us discuss. First question would be, why? Second question would be, what are you waiting for? At this point it is clearly a step ahead of all other media providers. You get the Mtn., you get Friday Night Lights, you get 100 hours of DVR and Hi-Def all over the place). When you are switching over please let them know I sent you, my account number is 38457761.

So this week Coach Taylor was put in a real pickle at the quarterback position. Put in the freshman phenom or stick with the gutsy yet less skilled senior who has been through so much on and off the field. Perhaps he should lob a call to Mr. Whittingham. The Utes have a similar situation with the hugely talented Corbin Louks yet they have the gutsy five year senior Brian Johnson who just wins games. Whittingham has done an excellent job of slowly working in Louks in order to maintain continuity and team chemistry. We'll see how it goes for Coach Taylor as next week it looks like it is going to hit the fan.

Tyra, seriously you suck. I think Landry might be the coolest high schooler on TV and you dump him for Cowboy Cash, who is clearly nothing more than a player. I mean what does Landry have to do, kill someone for you? Oh wait he already did that! It broke my heart when you left him there alone after he got his wisdom teeth out

Finally, the moment that changed my perspective on life. Smash Williams (pictured on the top right) through the help of loyal friends, teammates, coaches and family finally got his chance and he will now be playing for Texas A & M while getting a college education. I haven't welled up that much since my daughter was born.

Props Smash you deserved it bro.

This Week on TV

The Hills:

Was The Hills on this week? By the time I went to blog about it I couldn't remember what happened.

90210:

So I must say 90210 is not disappointing. It is great teen drama with a twist. The twist being the positive message and agenda they are promoting. They have family night and all of the neglected teens want to be a part of it. The adopted black child gave a speech on the ills of drugs and alcohol. The effect that an adulterous affair has on a child is front and center. I could probably go on, but we all get the point, which is your children should be watching this.

One Tree Hill:

At this moment it is quite simply the show I look forward to the most each week. I welled up when Q's brother took his place in line with the b-ball team. If you are not watching, you need to get with it, how can you really consider yourself cool and hip if you are not up on OTH?

The Island:

So every year I begin the year with the following rhetorical question: how long are you going to continue to watch the real world/road rules/real world road rules challenges....are you ever going to be too old/mature for it.....are you a bad example to your child....is watching these shows a sin? I then proceed to watch them with unabashed dedication. Although it was advertised as different from past challenges The Island is pretty much the same as always......Alcohol Abuse and Debauchery, yet I can't look away. I was sad to see Abram go this week, I think him and Wes are the best challenge competitors of all time. The main questions left to be resolved: When will Dunbar snap? When will Johana be impregnated (this may have already happened)? Will Derrick's training finally pay off with a coveted challenge victory? I will definitely be tuned in for the ever important answers.

With new shows coming back this week should be a much better TV week. I was so bored with TV this week that I actually turned it off during prime time and played with my child.

Who Says The Hills Isn't Real

All of the non-believers of the "reality" portion of The Hills need to watch the black tear episode. The emotion was raw and palpable as LC and Audrina finally had their much needed talk. I almost broke down when Lauren said she felt like she was losing another friend and shed that now infamous Black Tear.

I felt like applying mascara and watching it again so that I could join Lauren with a black tear of my own.

As for Spencer, I may be coming around to the fact that he may be a douchebag.

OTH - WHY

As many of my true fans know, One Tree Hill changed my life. Last winter during the writer's strike I was desperate for new teen drama. I had never gotten into OTH and so I tuned into the Soap Network (Channel 262 for Directv customers) and started with the daily rerun.

It didn't take long before I was hooked. I was very impressed with the acting ability of Brooke and Lucas especially considering the off the screen difficulties with their marriage (another marriage ruined by Paris Hilton).

I think pound for pound Dan Scott might be the best villain on TV, and how do the writers get me to feel sympathy for him after he killed his brother in cold blood?

It might be the only show on TV where I get chills wondering what will happen next. Well Monday night's episode has really left me in a funk. We have all been inspired by the feel good story of Q, the troubled black basketball star who under the tutelage of Haley Scott and the mentoring of Nathan Scott had turned his life around and was really planning for a life off the court in case the whole NBA thing didn't work out.

About 45 minutes in I was near tears of joy when Q finished Les Miserables and got an A+ on his paper. 10 minutes later he gets shot to death in a convenience store as an accidental witness to a felony murder. Honestly OTH, couldn't we have just maimed him, why death? Saddening. RIP my brother.

A few other show notes from this week's episode. Deb is the hottest grandma on the planet. Payton is soooo annoying, is she really so caught up in her own engagment to believe Brooke's lame fall down the stairs excuse? Honestly Payton, you couldn't see that she also had grab marks around her arm and neck, last I checked bannisters didn't have fingers.

I can't wait for Dan to give Nanny Carrie the business, and I hope he somehow takes care of Q's murderer while he is at it.

Your Plan Sucks!

Seriously.......Who Wouldn't Be Mad If An In-Law Messed Up the Tivo?

Tivo drama, last night on The Hills. Hurricane Holly Montag moved into the Pratt's crib and before she had even unpacked she went ahead and messed up the Tivo, causing Spencer to meltdown and drive to Heidi's work to call her out for an emergency heart to heart.

Some might say Spencer overreacted. Others might agree with Heidi when she told him maybe he should leave the pad more often. However, FP the contrarian, has a soft spot for those who have been victimized, either by a loved one or their own DVR box, and lost that season premiere 90210 (Laura I empathize).

I think they really should have told us what 3 shows got deleted by the less sexy Montag.

I mean who would pass judgment on Spencer if she deleted:

1) The season finale of Lost; and

2) The Michael Phelps gold medal race vs. the French in the 4 X 100 relay; and

3) The final rose ceremony for DeAnna on the Bachelorette

That would certainly be more understandable than if she deleted:

1) The BYU v. Northern Iowa game; and

2) Rerun of Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School; and

3) Yesterday's episode of the Tyra Banks show

I guess what I am getting at is don't judge Spencer's reaction until you know what was deleted.

While we are on the discussion of DVR, I found a very illuminating study. I must say I have had this hypothesis for years now, and it is always nice to see your scientific theories turned into factual data:

I did expect a little more out of last night's episode, but at least it ended on a good note, Brody and Doug in jail. Someone must have insulted their styling attire or their occupations and got a beat down. Here is how I envision it went down:

Heckler: Hey Doug has anyone ever told you that you are strikingly handsome, athletic, and intelligent?

Doug: Actually I said that about myself on my website.

Heckler: What do you need a website for, you don't have a job.

Cue to Brody giving the heckler an intense yet sexy glare.

Brody: We have jobs punk, don't you know that we go to clubs for a living.

Heckler: Is that really a job?

The beat down ensues until the police show up and billy club our heroes Brody and Doug.

I know this post is getting exceptionally long, but I must touch on the new Brody Jenner show which is being produced by none other than Ryan Seacrest Productions which brought us such hits as Keeping up With the Kardashians and Denise Richards Colon It's Complicated.

The title of the show, BROMANCE, stars Jenner as a bro in need of another bro to join his entourage, as if Frankie and Doug aren't enough. This has hit written all over it. If it were a FP Production, I would have Spencer show up on the last episode and have them go on a romantic date. Brody would dismiss all of the other competitors/suitors and he and Spencer would make up and exchange promise rings as a token of their BROMANCE.

Hills Recap.....Yawn

I must say, I was incredibly disappointed by The hills this week. Nothing happened.

I still have some observations.

1) Spencer sealed his player status when he was reading FP's favorite book "Killing Pablo". If you haven't read it you need to get on it. It was my inspiration in developing my own Cartel.

2) Why is Brody going on dates with Lauren when he has a "serious" girlfriend.

3) Lauren is back to looking good, she was very cute last night.

4) Poor Doug, nice house though.

The previews for next week were impressive so I am not giving up on The Hills by any means.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!

The moment we have all been waiting for finalllllly arrived tonight with the pilot of 90210 gracing the airwaves of the CW.....and it didn't disappoint. It brought the intensity from the get go with the remix version of the old theme song (na na na na, na na na na, du du, na na na na, na na na na, du du) to the illicit escapades of privileged teenagers.

The cameos brought chills to the spine. Who didn't want to die when Kelly and Brenda reunited. I was so relieved that they have decided to let bygones be bygones. I truly thought that they would never get past the episode in which Brenda caught Kelly with Dylan and called her a bimbo. When Kelly objected....Brenda unleashed the infamous speech "if it talks like a duck and walks like a duck"; you have to see it, go here: http://www.etonline.com/news/2008/08/64743/index.html

Poor Nat he no longer has the intimate Peach Pit, but instead is a Corporate Lackey at a very trendy Starbucks-like "Peach Pit".

I loved the nerdy West Beverly broadcaster Hannah Zuckerman-Vazquez, apparently she didn't lose the annoying gene from her mother Andrea Zuckerman.

The girls are cute (especially Naomi, is she a spitting image of Jesse Spano, or what) and seem to have nice personalities. The boys are California Cool, although I don't quite trust Ty Collins yet. Finally the parents and adults are a dramatic upgrade, I was so disappointed when Summerland went off the air and I was pleasantly surprised to see the return of Lori Loughlin of Full House/Summerland fame, as the mom.

I was relieved that the black kid living in B.H. does not actually have black parents, but is adopted by white parents, phewww. The last thing we need is a bunch of minorities bringing down the neighborhood.

FP will be giving a prize to the first person to predict who is the baby daddy for Kelly's lovechild Sam. The prize is a surprise but I expect it will be quite savory.

P.S. Silver I will do whatever it takes to have my blog linked to your "blogisodes" and how do you create a blogisode, any technical advice would be much appreciated.

P.P.S. Did my Palisades readers take it as an affront that West Beverly's big rival is Palisades Hall? Releasing the pigs inside the school was a little uncalled for.

It's Like Telling Israel and Iran to Get Along

Alright, so I am a day late with my Hills recap, but boy do we have a lot to talk about.

I must say that Spencer's political analogy really showed a different more intellectual side of Spencer.....and I must agree his sister is naive to think that everyone is just going to be friends. I personally would compare it more with a Georgia/Russia situation, but Iran/Israel works.

BTW it sure didn't take long for Doug to get initiated into the Brody/Frankie alliance. Maybe they were impressed with his website, where it states in the "About Me" section, and I quote:

"Strikingly handsome, athletic, and intelligent, Doug Reinhardt is a gentleman with a strong drive for success in all aspects of his life. His sense of humor is contagious and his charm is breathtaking. Doug has always had strong morals and set his goals early in life."

Wow! I hate to crack on a fellow Pepperdine Wave, but seriously, wow. If you want to see it for yourself - http://www.dougreinhardt.com/about.html

So it was another marvelous 12 minutes we'll see you next week where hopefully Spencer will discuss the financial effect OPEC has on Venezuelan/Syrian relations.

I Don't Think We Can Ever Be Friends

There seems to be some dissenting opinions as to who was in the right last night in the Lodrina squabble.

Let me start with this, I don't think this girl has the capacity of being mean:

Ever since the awkward lunch at the Mexican restaurant where Audrina basically had to invite herself to live with Lo and LC, I have not been down or lo for that matter.

Let us get on to perhaps a deeper issue. Is it a coincidence that LC is constantly losing "best friends" could it be that the real problem is our beloved Lauren. She cut Heidi out of her life for doing the same thing with Spencer that she had done with Jason. Brody dumped her. Stephen Colletti dumped her. Jason dumped her. One has to ask, what is really going on?

At least Doug is hot (but I'm sure he will soon be dumping her).

See ya next week.

The Hills Are Alive.........

I know pretty lame pun for my title, but who cares because tonight after weeks of anticiption "The Hills" is back.

When we left off LC and Audrina were in the midst of a BFF meltdown due to Lo's incessant meddling in their friendship. I hated to see it go down like this because I actually liked the Laguna Beach version of Lo.

Of course we have inside info that Speidi is alive and well as we see them all over town together.

Here are my predictions for the season:

1. Heidi will quit Bolthouse and start up Speidi productions which will quickly become the hottest new production company in town behind the leadership of entrepreneur extraordinaire, Mr. Spencer Pratt.

2. I think we need a comeback and who better than Kristin Cavalleri. Her acting career has flopped so why not take on a role she is already familiar with.

3. Jason "The Baller" Wahler will sign with Speidi Productions and will release a rap album in which he cracks LC.

4. Audrina and Justin Bobby will be engaged by the end of the season. What a score for JB not only is Aud hot, but she also seems very sweet and down to earth.

Whatever trouble these crazy kids get into it should definitely be a very exciting and captivating season.

Check back here as I will provide an in depth post show review and analysis after every episode.

Viva Manny Being Manny in Echo Park....Andale Doyers Andale

I LOVE MANNY! Finally a good move by stoNed Colletti.

Unfortunately the video cuts off his amazing catch/high five/double play, but if you want to see that go here....

http://ballhype.com/video/manny_ramirez_high_fives_a_fan_in_the_middle_of_a/

In all seriousness for all his goofiness it is about time we got someone in here who can rake and he brings his gold glove with him.

I might be back to sitting in the pavilion cuz who knows what might go down with the Manny in left field.

My advice to Manny:

5. To Live and Die in L.A. its the place to be you gotta be there to know it, what everybody wanna see - Tupac.........enough said.

4. Dodgers is pronounced Doyers, that shouldn't be hard for you considering your Dominican heritage.

3. If you are going to sell your grill here instead of including an autographed baseball you should just include 5 pounds of carne asada...... http://www.usatoday.com/sports/baseball/al/redsox/2007-03-21-ramirez-grill_N.htm

2. Do the opposite of whatever Andruw Jones does.

1. If you don't want to pay for parking at doyer stadium I suggest Academy Street...it is the closest free parking to Left Field.

P.S. I have alreay sent an email to Dodger management about getting some sort of urinal installed near left field because last I checked there isn't a bathroom inside the wall, and trust me I of all people know how hard it can be to hold it.

Integrity

It appears that the integrity of the blog has been tarnished by an imposter.

I log on this morning to find an unauthorized and impermissible post. My identity has been stolen. Don't worry I have changed all my passwords to avoid such catastrophes in the future....I also cancelled and cut up all my credit cards, bank cards, library cards, driver's license, state bar id's etc... in hopes of cutting this imposter off at the pass before all of my identity is pillaged.

I am a nerd!!!

Look how cool I am!

Dovikivati glasno ka Serbia

So last month I linked free parking to Google Analytics, mainly so I could look at the cool map with all the different colors from where hits to the site are coming from. I could look at maps for hours and I think if I were to redo my life I would be a geographer.

I currently have readers in four countries but the blog is really blowing up in Serbia, hence the Serbian title. For those who wish to translate the title go to http://www.freelang.net/online/serbian.php?lg=gb , you will have to type in each word individually.

So to appease my Serbian fans lets talk Serbia:

HISTORY:

How about my man Prince Nemanja, he was a classic rags to Prince story: Nemanja had a humble childhood in an uncomfortable house made of solid stone, with cotton and cloth-made curtains to protect the interior from the sun and the doors and floor covered by many-coloured sheets, before dominating and becoming a Prince later in life.........nice work.

LADIES:

Milla Jovovich seems to be a good person. She starred in Resident Evil and the Fifth Element.

INVENTIONS:

Nikola Tesla invented the radio, thats right you are listening to Dr. Laura because of Serb Nikola Tesla. Not to mention he invented a particle beam weapon which dispensed a narrow stream of atomic clusters of liquid mercury (how awesome is that, and why are these not being sold mainstream?).

FP SERBIAN POLITICAL RANT:

So, I must say it sure is nice that in 2006 Serbia finally went legitimate and got rid of Montenegro. It was hard to take you seriously in the Olympics when your team name was Serbia and Montenegro. You don't see the U.S.A. entering the World Cup as the U.S.A. and Mexico just to improve our chances or you don't see us entering our hockey team as the U.S.A. and Canada.

Also I got your back and I am also not going to recognize Kosovo's declaration of independence. I know this could be considered an act of treason in the U.S. , however so long as the support of the blog continues my support of your claim over Kosovo will remain. You can't just declare independence.

Finally, screw Milosevic.

I'm a hot chick

So I saw on some other blogs this website where you send in a picture and it will tell you what celebrity you look like.

Suffice it to say, I was so excited to give this a try, figuring it would come up with McConaughey. To my excitement errrrrrrrrr I mean dismay my celebrity-look-alike was no other than Charlize Theron the anointed "sexiest woman alive" by Esquire Magazine in 2007.

I didn't feel like the picture I sent in to the website accentuated my moobs, but who knows. Also, apparently the site does not take body fat percentage into account.

If ya'll wanna try it you can go to www.myheritage.com

You Be the Judge:

P.S. Does this mean that Anneli has lesbian tendencies?

Video Gem: Toughest BYU Athlete Ever

I was recently reminded of a classic BYU/Utah football moment:

"Tempers boiled again during the 1999 football game in Provo, and this time it involved a Utah yell leader, Billy Priddis. As he was carrying a large red Utah flag past the BYU student section, one Cougar fan jumped out of the stands and tackled Priddis. Priddis jumped to his feet, tackled the fan, and started throwing punches. By the time security could break it up, Priddis had landed seven or eight punches on the rowdy fan. Watching the altercation from the sideline, Ute Wide Receiver Steve Smith turned to a nearby group of BYU fans and said “even our cheerleaders are kicking your butt.”

However, in the spirit of equality I gotta give props to former Cougar Vai Sikahema for his beatdown of Jose Canseco. Sikahema is 5'9" and 200 lbs while Canseco is 6'4" and 248 lbs.

Video Gem: Like Such As

I am thinking of going on Vacation to "The Iraq" and "The Asian Countries"

Knoxgate 2008

So I awoke this morning and was peacefully getting ready for church when my wife received an emergency text from Kady, which turned my world upside-down. You might wonder what earth-shattering news would warrant an 8:30 a.m. Sunday morning text? Don't worry I'll tell you.

Angelina Jolie has named her son Knox! NMD (No Me Digas).

I immediately logged on to tmz.com and my worst nightmare had been confirmed. You might wonder what is the big deal? Don't worry I'll tell you. This may seem a bit effeminate but ever since I was about 16 years old I had decided that I would name my first son Knox Nielsen.

Now, I know that if I now name my son Knox that everyone is going to be like .... oh did you get that from Anelina Jolie? Actually I suspect that she got it from me. You may ask how would Angelina Jolie know that you were going to name your son Knox? Don't worry I will now expound on several theories I am exploring at this very moment.

1. Theory #1: I vaguely remember that when Syesha Mercado and I were getting to know each other better she asked what I wanted to name my kids, at which point I negligently told her, as if she would be so lucky as to be one of my baby's mama. I think Syesha may be repped by CAA who also likely represents Jolie. Syesha's agent probably said oh I was discussing baby names with Jolie and Syesha was like oh I heard the coolest boy's name, Knox, and the agent was probably like oh maybe I will pass that on to Jolie and next thing you know we now have Knox Pitt-Jolie.

2. Theory #2: A few years back I composed a rap in which one of the lines stated:

Don't be fooled by my gems and my rocks

My son's going to be named Knox

I like knee high tube sox

And I'm still Jono from the Blocks

Surprisingly this rap never had a widespread release, however I lost the master copy and I have heard that it is making waves in the underground hip hop market and also online. Perhaps since Brangelina has now been adopting black children they are trying to touch up on their African knowledge by tapping into the underground hip hop scene at which point they came across my unreleased but soon to be hit.

3. Theory #3: I told Anneli who told Kady who told Kirt who told Cal who told David Archuleta who told Dave who told Josh who told Gay who told Carrie who told Xander who told Matt who told Laura who who told Jason Castro who told Paula Abdul who told Tanner who told McKay who told Billy Bob Thornton on the set of Eagle Eye who then was able to woo Jolie back into the sack with promises of a child named Knox.

Now there is going to be a glut of kids named Knox so I may have to go with something else......I think my backup name will be Maddox.

Video Gem: Undercutters Pizza

What an entreprenuer.

Hip Hop Has Saved My Life

I would like to thank Lupe Fiasco for so eloquently summing up my life story with his hit song "Hip Hop Has Saved My Life" (if you havn't heard the song it is on my playlist). I grew up on the mean streets of Pleasant Grove. However, we couldn't afford walkmans or ghettoblasters so as a youngster I wasn't keen to the hip hop game. This all changed when I was 21 years old and flipping through the channels and came across a Tupac music video for the song Changes.

Tupac's demeanor and words spoke to me, so I went directly to the nearest Circuit City and purchased Tupac's greatest hits (and a $30 VCR which I still own, but I digress). I popped disk one into my Geo Prizm's CD player and started rollin around town with my speakers rattlin. Disk one was a great experience, but then the culmination came on disk two, which is loaded with poignant tracks ranging from Brenda's Got a Baby to Changes to California Love to Picture Me Rollin.

I let the lyrics pour over me as I felt that finally someone could speak to the true pain on the streets on a larger platform.

From that day forward I have embraced the "Thug Life" Code which was created by Tupac and follows:

"I didnt create T.H.U.G. L.I.F.E., I diagnosed it." Tupac Shakur.

In 1992 at the Truc Picnic in Cali, Tupac was instrumental in getting rival members of the Crips and Bloods to sign the Code Of THUG LIFE.

THUG LIFE CODE:

1. All new Jacks to the game must know: a) Hes going to get rich. b) Hes going to jail. c) Hes going to die.

2. Crew Leaders: You are responsible for legal/financial payment commitments to crew members; your word must be your bond.

3. One crews rat is every crews rat. Rats are now like a disease; sooner or later we all get it; and they should too.

4. Crew leader and posse should select a diplomat, and should work ways to settle disputes. In unity, there is strength!

5. Car jacking in our Hood is against the Code.

6. Slinging to children is against the Code.

7. Having children slinging is against the Code.

8. No slinging in schools.

9. Since the rat Nicky Barnes opened his mouth; ratting has become accepted by some. Were not having it.

10. Snitches is outta here.

11. The Boys in Blue dont run nothing; we do. Control the Hood, and make it safe for squares.

12. No slinging to pregnant Sisters. Thats baby killing; thats genocide!

13. Know your target, whos the real enemy.

14. Civilians are not a target and should be spared.

15. Harm to children will not be forgiven.

16. Attacking someones home where their family is known to reside, must be altered or checked.

17. Senseless brutality and rape must stop.

18. Our old folks must not be abused.

19. Respect our Sisters. Respect our Brothers.

20. Sisters in the Life must be respected if they respect themselves.

21. Military disputes concerning business areas within the community must be handled professionally and not on the block.

22. No shooting at parties.

23. Concerts and parties are neutral territories; no shooting!

24. Know the Code; its for everyone.

25. Be a real ruff neck. Be down with the code of the Thug Life.

26. Protect yourself at all times.

I find numbers 4 and 12 to be highly inspirational and thought provoking. If only we would have had a similar code when I was growing up in P.G., perhaps we could have avoided much of the senseless crime that infiltrated our hood.

For those of you who think I may be joking about P.G., I would direct you to the online urban dictionary to look up Pleasant Grove (Advisory the acutal site may contain explicit language), a few snippets:

"Pleasant Grove is, without a doubt, the "krunkest" place"

"Pleasant Grove has 3 times as many murders as Oak Cliff, 12 times as many r****, 5 times as many armed robberies, and is one of the leading problems in America as far as illegall-y exported arms."

"In Pleasant Grove news coverage has stopped depicting violent crimes in its articles because its old news. People die here everyday, it's nothin'."

Also recent news articles:

http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,5143,700235373,00.html http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,600106573,00.html

Interestingly I have a long history with the officer mentioned in the second link, Cody Cullimore. Surprisingly our relationship is not crime related rather he was my cub scout leader.

"Life in the Hood is all Good for Nobody!" we miss you Tupac, RIP (unless you are really not dead....then I would say keep releasing these excellent albums).

Coke Zero

So with all of the trans fat which is being inserted into our food and the conspiracy of the fast food industry to make us fat what is one to do?

Who can really afford to drink calories nowadays?

Not to worry, there is a revolution going on often referred to as the Coke Zero revolution. This thirst quencher certainly has revolutionized my life. If you haven't had it you need to get to your supermarket and pick up a 12 pack, immediately. I would be willing to wager that if you took a blind taste test with coke zero and regular coke that you could not tell the difference.

I am currently averaging close to 50 ounces per day and I have lost 16 pounds. I was told that I am supposed to drink more water so I have increased my coke zero intake as the # 1 ingredient is....water.

The biggest fatality in this revolution has to be diet coke. I mean really, how could one in good conscious buy a diet coke at the supermarket when coke zero is sitting right next to it. It is truly nonsensical to buy a diet coke when the taste is far inferior to that of CZ. It would be like going to Sizzler and having them tell you that Ruth Chris is next door and they are selling steak for the same price and then choosing the Sizzler steak (speaking of Sizzler, is it really possible that it is the only sit down steakhouse I was taken to as a child until I reached the age of 19, and to think I had to get straight A's, no cavities and 270 hours of weeding to receive that reward...wow!).

FP would also like to give props to Corner Bakery for putting coke zero in their fountains they are ahead of the game, but we need to be doing our part. When you eat out and they ask you what you want to drink you reply nonchalantly with Coke Zero as if it is normal. I have been doing this and have received responses ranging from a blank stare at Chilis to como? at McDonalds. I think if we have enough people reporting back to their managers about people requesting coke zero that we will soon have it in every restaurant.

P.S. If there are any coke executives out there reading this blog I will accept free product for my continued pimping of your delicious drinks.

Diddy Riese

I just went to Diddy Riese last Friday, and it is quite possibly the best dessert per capita for price paid or cent for cent the best dessert on the planet. For those who have not been, you choose two cookies from their wide variety and then you choose a flavor of ice cream to be placed between the two cookies therein forming an ice cream sandwich.

I was first introduced to this glory by my friend Cameron and at that time it cost a whole $1.00. Three years later inflation forced a reluctant increase to $1.25 and recently they have had to kick it to $1.50, which in my humble but always right opinion, is still a bargain (I blame President Bush for the price increase). They also have brownies, hot dogs and a 32 oz drink for $.90, which these days is unheard of.

Now, the biggest complaint people have is the unavailability of parking in Westwood. FP loves some Diddy but FP does not like to pay for parking, so here is your free parking guide for Diddy Riese (926 Broxton Drive, click on Map to enlarge):

1. The best free spot is on Roebeling Avenue, but may require some patience.

2. Strathmore Avenue, Landfair Avenue and Glenrock Avenue are also free, and if all else fails head up Gayley and their are numerous side streets at the top of the hill which are free, but will require a small jaunt.

3. The lots in Westwood are high priced lots, but if you can find a meter you may want to take advantage, the best place to find meters is on Le Conte and Leverling, everywhere else is nearly impossible.

P.S. I recommend ordering "The Jono" which is candy cookie, chocolate chip cookie with mint chocolate chip ice cream. Also don't be afraid to try a hot dog with mustard and onions. Finally you cannot leave without checking to the left of the register for the day old baker's dozen sold at half price. Most cookie shops would be passing these off as freshly baked.

Video Gem: Boom Goes The Dynamite

This video is pretty classic, I would watch sportscenter every night if it were this entertaining.

Interview with McKay

Free parking had the privilege and opportunity to interview McKay. Many of you may know him from his role on Step Up 2: Take it to the Streets or from his role as an extra on Judge Joe Brown or Deal or No Deal.

FP: The question burning on everyone’s mind is, how do you pay your bills?

M: Stock Market

FP: Big Mac or Whopper?

M: Whopper

FP: What religion are you?

M: Mormon, hahaha, that is the stupidest question I've ever heard.

FP: I think religion is interesting.

FP: Give us a life in the day of McKay?

M: I generally wake up about 9:30 and the first thing I do is check the market for 5 to 30 minutes depending on if I have to make a trade. Then I go to the gym and do some lifting depending on what day it is. Then I come home eat lunch and do the market some more, it varies for how long. Used to go study for a test but now I just go to Borders to read or sometimes play some volleyball. Then dinner and whatever is going on that night, I usually go to bed about 1:30.

FP: That sounds like a sweet life.

M: It is.

FP: Who are some big name celebrities that you have worked with?

M: Melora Harden. FP: Who is that? M: Jan from the Office. FP: Who else? M: Matthew Perry, Zac Efron, Shia Labouf.

FP: Who is hotter Labouf or Efron?

M: Efron.

FP: I personally enjoyed your performance on Step Up 2 Take it to the Streets, how did you prepare for this role?

M: Good question, since this was my first movie role as an extra I didn’t prepare at all I just went.

FP: Is it true that you know Brooke White from American Idol?

M: Yes.

FP: What is she like.

M: Very friendly and sincere.

FP: Have you ever had a disease?

M: No.

FP: Not even a STD?

M: No

FP: If you could spend a day with 3 people from history who would they be?

M: Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith and George Washington.

FP: How many girls have you hooked up with in the last month?

M: 2

FP: How many guys have you hooked up with in the last month?

M: 0

FP: Are you sure?

M: Yes

FP: Have you ever hooked up with a minority?

M: No, wait let me think, is Japanese a minority, yes I hooked up with a half Japanese.

FP: Are you racist?

M: No

FP: Maybe just prejudiced?

M: No.

FP: Do you kiss right to left or left to right or can you do both?

M: I can do both

FP: What is your favorite city in the U.S.?

M: Umm, I don’t have one the first city that pops into my mind is Indianapolis but it is probably not going to be my favorite, so I'll say yet to be found.

FP: Favorite restaurant?

M: Best restaurant I've been to is St. Elmos.

FP: Peeps or Robin Eggs?

M: Peeps.

FP: The Supreme Court of California just legalized gay marriage. If you were gay would you move to California so you could marry your gay lover?

M: No, because I can’t imagine that.

FP: Maxim or Stuff?

M: Maxim

FP: Sports Illustrated or ESPN the magaizine?

M: SI

FP: Fortune or Forbes?

M: Fortune

FP: US or People?

M: US

FP: Do you have a stock tip for 2008?

M: No, market is too crazy right now. FP: How are you paying your bills if the stock market is too crazy? M: Right now I am doing a lot of long and short trading. Short means that if the market goes down you earn. Long is when....FP: This answer is long.

FP: Gates or Buffett?

M: Buffett

FP: Who is the hottest girl in the world?

M: Adriana Lima.

FP: Do you know who her boyfriend is?

M: Yes Marko Jaric, it gives me hope that if he can get a girl like that….

FP: Do you have a girlfriend?

M: No.

FP: What is her name?

M: I don’t have a girl friend.

FP: How long have you been going out?

M: Not applicable

FP: Who was your last girlfriend?

M: Abbie

FP: Is she a celebrity?

M: No

FP: Who broke up with who?

M: She dumped me.

FP: Why?

M: She has a hard time committing.

FP: Does she read this blog?

M: You never know she might, I know the readership is quite worldwide. I’m actually at her house right now she is one of the 2 that I have kissed in the last month.

FP: So you will kiss a girl without any commitment?

M: Yeshh.

FP: Have you asked her about doing this interview?

M: Like getting permission, No.

FP: You are a rebel.

M: Alright

I am going to end the interview now, your hollywood attitude seems to be getting in the way of a cordial response to my questions.

JonoBeingJono

Welcome to my blog. As some may know I am borderline obsessed with not paying for parking. In L.A. this can be problematic at times, but not to worry I am here to help the masses.

My blog is going to be dedicated to discussing all the truly important things in life [ie Team Spencer or Team Brody?.....Can the proposed new version of 90210 come close to comparing to the old version (word on the street is that Kelly will be returning as an employee and mentor at BH High, she should be an expert at counseling kids on drug addiction, abstinence in high school, being burned in a fire, eating disorders, ending up in a cult etc...)? Why does spanish have the same word for wife and handcuff...Esposa? Is Dr. Mario the most underrated video game of all time? Housewives of Orange County or New York?]

Finally, every so often I will divulge a free parking tip so without further adieu:We'll start with an easy one just to get everyone warmed up. Here is the Burbank airport and this spot found on W. Vanowen Place is closer than most of the pay parking. You park on the east side of Vanowen Place adjacent to Vanowen Street. There is no street cleaning or time limit, you simply get out of your car, cross the street and you are at the terminal. I've done it many a time and never had a break in or any other problems.

Lost Finale: WTJB

What The Jeremy Bentham

Where do I even start with this. So I for one have never trusted Jeremy Bentham or Henry Gail or Juliet for that matter. I also must admit that I did not email myself with the prediction of Jeremy Bentham being in the casket (for those of you new to Jono's world, I regularly email myself predictions on TV shows which I save in a predictions folder in my email for later use when the predictions come to fruition).

My highlights of the episode:

1. Sayid's fight with Keamy: I don't know how Saddam Hussein didn't lock Sayid up to a long-term deal while he was still in Iraq. Had he done so he probably would have never been captured and taken to Guantanamo.

2. Hurley playing chess with Mr. Eko: Huh? Anneli and I could use a third player for Cities and Knights if you are interested Mr. Eko.

3. Jeremy Bentham being "Welcomed Home" by the never-aging Richard: Do we now trust The Others? I don't.

My Alternate Ending: I really wish that when they saw Penny's boat that when they got closer that Tom would have come out with his lover and said we're gonna have to take the boy.

Finally, now that there have been more deaths on the show it may be time to revisit the best-looking cast members still alive on the show:

Females:

1. Sun (I know this may be controversial, but I don't think it is even close)

2. Kate (Knows how to handle a weapon and wear a nightgown)

3. Juliet (Kinda cute for an "Other")

4. Claire (She really lost the baby weight quickly and seems very sweet)

5. Rose (Not many left to choose from, Charlotte is boring so why not go with a Sister)

Males:

1. Sawyer (Rugged handsomeness)

2. Jack (I know Anneli doesn't agree as he is not only her #1 on the show but also in the world)

3. Sayid (Him snapping Tom's neck with his legs solidifies his spot)

4. Desmond (Accent adds to his sexyness)

5. Mikhail (Anyone that can have their brain ooze out their ears and still look good while rocking an eye patch is worthy of this list)

After I post this blog I will be immediately heading to my email to start emailing all of my predictions for next year to myself, until then see you in another life brothers.