A Good Day To Invest In Creatine

Last night's Bachelor Pad will go down in the annals of reality TV as the most shocking episode ever.   As Erica Rose so eloquently summed up "I feel bad for Rachel she was so close to having love and the money but in the end got nothing."

The episode started with the usual stuff, an interview with Michael where we shockingly learned that he wasn't really into Rachel and that he didn't really go on the Bachelor Pad just to find love.  Michael, how could you?  We trusted you!  The interview ended with Rachel in tears, but trust me the night was only beginning for Rachel (Sidenote: Has anyone checked on Rachel?  She should be spending the next week in a padded room.)

We then get the big news that Blakeley and Tony are moving in together......oh wait psyche he is asking her to marry him.  The proposal was so romantic, Tony was stumbling all over himself and when he asked her to marry him her response was are you f#*^#*g kidding me?  Ahhhhh so cute.  In reality Tony is a smart dude to lock it down.

Chris then gets annihilated for the way he treated the poor pure and chaste girls of the bachelor pad.  Don't hate on Chris though the game just got the best of him.   Who hasn't played a game and ended up sleeping with 3 chicks in a 5 day stretch?  That game gets the best of me every time.

Finally we get to the vote where Nick and Rachel easily win and have to come to the decision to keep or share the money and then history happened.    

In case you weren't watching here is a summary:

Suck It Rachel

Nick completely screwed Rachel by taking the whole $250,000 leaving Rachel with $0, and Rachel's response:

F

Nick shocked the world and took all the money leaving Rachel out in the cold.  Nick gave a classic speech about how they all treated him like he was an idiot, but look who are the idiots now.  I was very happy that no one from the Ed, Jaclyn, Rachel, Michael clique got any money.  Michael tries to make Nick feel bad for not taking Rachel's feelings into consideration, uh pot calling kettle.

Nick dramatically leaves the stage with a little hottie waiting in the back only to have Rachel chase him down for an explanation.  Nick coldly tells her he's gotta go and exits to a waiting limo, so classic.

The last scene of the episode shows all of the contestants slamming Nick for being an idiot who can't string more than 10 words together.  Well done ABC.   I don't think anyone will ever ever miss another episode of the Bachelor Pad.....I know I won't.

P.S. GNC you better stock up because there is a meathead with $250,000 burning a hole in his pocket.  My guess on how he spent the money: 1) Supplements; 2) Creatine; 3) Big Truck; 4) Pit Bull; 5) Cream for the Backne; 6) Overdraft Fees; 7) Tanning Oil; 8) Bowflex.

  

Bachelor Pad - I would pay $62,500 to spend a day with Michael

If you aren't watching Bachelor Pad, shame on you!  Last night's episode was an instant classic.

Those who know me, know that I love spelling and even more I love spelling bees.  When Harrison announced that the challenge was going to be a spelling bee between all of the morons I knew we were in for some comedy gold.   Ed spell cockamamie uhhhh c-o-c-k-a-m-a-y.  Blakeley spell obsessive, no problem o-b-e-e-s-v.  Lindzi spell Lindsay, you want me to spell my own name? L-i-n-d-z-i.  Sorry in the literate world Lindsay is spelled L-I-N-D-S-A-Y.  Lindzi also went on to spell jewelry wrong.

The main focus of the episode was on poor Rachel who has to go on the next four days of taping without Michael Stagliano.  How will she ever survive.  She mentioned Michael approximately 84 times in the two hour episode.  At one point she states the money is just not worth being without Michael.  So if I add it up that means you are willing to pay $62,500 per day to hang out with Michael.  Trust me Rachel, if he saw last night's episode you are getting dropped.

I loved when the girls were all hanging out talking about what they would do with the money and Rachel said she would go on a dream vacation, Blakeley chimed in that she could finally afford cable?  To which Jaclyn chimed in "you won't have to wax vag*&% any more."  Too good!  Which begs the question has there ever been a better combination of hot v. crazy than Blakeley, I think not.


Chris and Sarah eventually win the spelling bee after 14 sudden death rounds of missed word after missed word, I thought that thing was going until the end of time.   They get the overnight date to wine country where Chris oddly admits that he is still getting over his relationship with Emily.  You are now classifying the two dates you went on with Emily as a relationship you need to get over?  Don't sweat it man, she is already cheating on Jef by sexting with Matt Leinart.  Chris goes on to have a roll in the hay with Sarah, did we forget that this cute little Sarah is the same girl that had drunken sex with Ed in week one?

You know Matt Leinart, former Trojan, Heisman Trophy Winner and Hot Tub Legend:

Leinart Used This Same Line When Texting Emily

Speaking of drunken sex, Ed and Jaclyn as a consolation prize get to go on an overnight date.  The awkwardness that started last week when Ed sternly told Jaclyn they were not a couple only got worse when Ed admits that he is in love with a girl back home.   Despite completely shutting Jaclyn down and telling her he felt like she wanted him to update his status on facebook Jaclyn proceeds to give it up again.  Hey if drunken sex doesn't make him fall in love the first 15 times try 16.

In the end Kalon made a desperate plea to get rid of Nick and Rachel and ABC contrived some drama to make it seem as if there was a chance that Nick and Rachel would get voted off, however alas Kalon and Lindzi were sent packing.  In a romantic gesture Kalon joing Lindzi in her limousine and talks about how he is the big winner since he found Lindzi.  Isn't this the same delta bravo that flew into the Bachelorette on a helicopter and acted a fool for the whole season?   What a change of heart he has had.  I was disappointed to seem him go as he seemed like the best candidate to not split the money with his partner at the end.

Four couples remain and based  on the previews some serious drama awaits.

The Grand Finale

I Married Up.....Bigtime!

So it is finally here the most dramatic and emotional finale in Bachelorette history.

Hold up why are we with Chris in a studio audience....is this after the final rose?  Never mind it was just for Chris to give us a beautiful social commentary following the shooting in Colorado followed by an incredibly awkward transition into "the most dramatic and emotional finale in Bachelorette history."

How did one dude get into the studio audience? Where is the respect?  If they were going to let one guy in I think we can all agree that I deserved that invite. 

The real episode starts with Jef meeting the family and they of course love him.  No real drama or emotion here, in fact it might be the shortest segment in Bachelorette history.  Emily's brother Ernie is a trip though.

More live look-ins at the weird studio audience angle.

Arie then goes to meet the family and the whole show goes into awkward mode.  Arie states that he didn't know what to expect and that he didn't know anything about the show......wait didn't you used to date the Producer?

Arie gives some weird fishing advice about fishing when it is overcast to Emily's dad who has a fish on his shirt.  When someone has an embroidered fish on their denim shirt you probably don't want to give that person fishing advice.  How many times is Arie going to mention that he has dated a single mother before.

Enter E's brother Ernie who is a stroke survivor and wait a second is that the audience laughing during his off camera interview...rewind....rewind.....yes it is the audience laughing over his interview.  Production genius, if we are going to have a studio audience lets get them involved by dubbing them into the awkward moments.  Arie's ex-girlfriend is a genius.   The live audience breaks up in laughter again when Arie asks Emily's father for his permission to marry her and gets awkward silence in return.

Word & Phrase Count to this Point:
Daggum: 3
Most dramatic and emotion finale in Bachelorette History: 4

Did Jef just show up to his final date with a T-Shirt with the sleeves rolled?  Instead of a fantasy suite Jef gets the fantasy play date and he worked it to perfection with the pink goggles and hermit crabs.

Prior to the date with Arie, Chris tells us that Emily is going to get some advice and we pan to the scene to see who is this mystery person to give Emily advice and......oh wait it's Chris.

Emily confides that its over, Jef has won her heart and she is not going to bother with the Arie date.  Chris spouts off some cliches and his eyes do not leave her chest for even a second. 

Fast-forward to Arie making a love potion which better be pretty magical or he is getting dumped.  Emily shows up Arie rubs her with the love potion and alas it didn't work he gets bounced.  Wait a second as they hug is that a dubbed in heartbeat....rewind.....rewind....yes in fact it is either a dubbed in heartbeat or Arie has the loudest heartbeat in the world.   At least as he left he commandeered her vehicle leaving her to walk back to the hotel. 

Chris goes to Bachelor/Pad alums for their analysis.  Ashleigh has not gotten any less annoying, the second she pinched my cheek like that I would send her packing.   Whoa Ashley S., welcome to the show!  Great analysis I agree with everything you just said.   

Jef then gives a beautiful proposal that brought tears to all of our eyes but why is he standing so far away from her, you could fit four bibles between them.

After the Final Rose:
Chris promises to reveal some secrets, I can't wait. 

Arie...waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh, journal waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. 

I knew it Jef and Emily are still together and very in love.  Sorry haters the show really does work. 

Jef gets in a people water plug and Chris asks where they are going to live?  Well Chris we just got a lease on a nice two bedroom apartment in Orem.  Scratch that, Jeff is moving to Charlotte, boo.  Attention all Charlotte Elders, Ricki is now 7 and in a part member family, you should know the drill from here. 

Wait the show is over, what about the secrets, I didn't hear any secrets, I demand my secrets.  Oh well see you at the Bachelor Pad tomorrow. 

Egginaholeburger

So one of the revelations of living in Socal is the genius that is putting an egg on a hamburger.  Today I embarked on my own eggburger discovery by making a hole in the hamburger and dropping the egg right in the hole.

Step One: Use a cup to make a hole in the patty.

Step Two: Place the hamburger ring in the pan and drop the egg in the hole.

  

 Step Three: Flip the burger and egg.

Step Four: Melt Cheese.

Step Five: Add bacon, avocado, red onion, mustard and ketchup and enjoy!

 

Emily Enjoys The Fantasy Suite - Alone

                   

So we have finally made it, fantasy suite week!  Wait, Stop, Emily and her values don't approve of fantasy suites?  That puts a damper on things.

Sean:
Are those aqua socks paired with a tight v-neck?  I had so much I wanted to say about Sean and Emily's date, but I forgot what I was going to say, but if you wonder if I am excited about what's to come on the rest of the show, heck ya I'm excited.   


Jef:
Not since Into The Blue starring Jessica Alba have I seen such an impressive underwater camera.  Would I move to Salt Lake City, wellllllllllllll ummmm I've never been there, butttttttt I would consider us all moving to a new place for a new adventure.  Translation: Hell no I'm not moving to Salt Lake City, but I would consider Los Angeles.  

Gotcha Emily, Jef beat you to the morality card.  Did Jef really quote For the Strength of Youth with "Bridle Your Passions", yes he did.

I appreciated that in your video you let her know whats up by leaving your shirt unbuttoned to reveal your wife beater, real classy. 

Arie:
All they do is kiss, it really is quite boring.  We demand more awkward conversation and less tongue to tongue.

Arie, I really am not sure how you survived the I wake up at 9 bomb and are you going to be Ricki's dad or her wing man at the club?

In the end Emily doesn't even open the fantasy suite key to avoid from banging Arie which was a big disappointment to us all.     


I was so sure that it was going to be Jef v. Sean but was pleased to see Sean get the boot.  Nothing makes us fatties happier than seeing a creatine addicted stud get rejected by the beautiful girl and admit how stupid he feels. 

In my mind it is officially over, we have our first Mormon winner of the Bachelorette and Ricki will be coming to a primary near you. 

Will You Handle My Gun

So it was hometown week and it was as awkward as usual.   The star of the week had to be Arie's mom Mieke, she was great, with a close second being Jef's brother, Steve, all decked out in denim. 

Chris:
Chris started off the hometown date by letting Emily know that on a scale of 1 to Polish we are Polish.  He also confesses that last week he was a bleep up.   

Who pays for the beer that Chris and Emily had a sip of when they just walked out?

Chris' Mom acknowledges that any mom would be proud to see there son go on a reality show to find true love.  I know that I for one would be ecstatic to see my kids find reality love, I think the only thing that could make a parent prouder would be if there kid got into the porn industry. 

Chris' dad tells Emily "if you are looking for someone that will love and support you no matter what than Chris is your guy, if you are looking for something else than Chris isn't for you".  I was waiting for Emily to reply: actually dad I was looking for someone who won't love and support me.  

Chris' dad ended the hometown date by completely screwing his son by telling him that Emily told him that she had fallen in love with him, which clearly didn't happen.   This caused Chris to make a fool of himself confessing his love for Emily only to get axed, which was inevitable.

Chris can take solace that no matter how stupid he looked in the limo it wouldn't compare to how Emily looked doing the Polka.  


Jef:
The hometown date finally made its way to the beehive state.  Emily was so surprised to find out that Utah isn't just an urban jungle and that Jef isn't such a city boy.  She did realize it was St. George she was going to, not New York or Los Angeles?

The date started off with one of the most awkward voiceovers in TV history when Jef said my parents are in South Carolina doing (insert possibly another person's voice saying charity work).  

Jef shows off his shooting skills and drops the obligatory sexual harassment joke that Emily can hold his gun all day long.   BTW I have tried to shoot clay pigeons before and I am not buying that they both were 100%, last time I went I think I hit 2 for 30.

Could there have been a longer pause than when Emily asked Jef's sisters if they thought he was ready to settle down and be a dad?

Loved the sit down with Jef and Steve when Steve essentially told him so you are currently disfellowshipped for your partying ways and now all of the sudden you are ready to settle down, get married and have kids?

I must admit, Jef's letter to Emily gave me goosebumps.  After he finished reading that I immediately dropped a ditto on my wife. 


Arie:

When Emily first met up with Arie and kissed him the first thing that popped into my mind was the famous Shaq rap to Kobe, "Hey Arie, tell me how Jef tastes". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W4BAnIgB2I

So it was finally confirmed that Arie's father is my favorite racecar driver from when I was a kid, Arie Luyendyk, a formery Indy 500 winner.  So we now know that Arie is the most wealthy of the suitors.

The hometown date got extremely awkward when the lovely Mieke started speaking Dutch to her son and they went on a 5 minute conversation entirely in Dutch as Emily awkwardly sat there.  Arie proceeded to explain that he usually doesn't like speaking in Dutch in front of people who don't speak it but that Emily need not worry because his mom was saying that she was great.  I however was not fooled, I speak a little Dutch and what she actually said was that Emily was a no good slut.

Fast forward to Emily speaking with Mieke and Mieke telling her that usually when you are the one being proposed to you are not also the Bachelorette.   Very good point Mieke, but clearly you need to study up on your Bachelor/ette history.     


Sean:

Perfect Sean, not surprisingly has a perfect family.  Why oh why could the I live it home bit not have been real.  I loved Emily's comment, not only is he a mess but he's really into stuffed animals.   I so wanted it to be real that I was willing to overlook the perfectly placed half eaten cookies and I bought it hook, line and sinker.  

Did anyone else notice that Sean looks way prettier from afar than close up.  Maybe, I'm just being nitpicky looking for anything to diminish his perfection.  

I do think Sean is kinda lame, but he is probably the best match for Emily and is still the front-runner to obtain true love.


Congrats to Jef, Arie and Sean they get to go to Curacao and more importantly they are going to get some fantasy suite time and according to the previews some serious bikini time.  Studies have shown that fantasy suites and bikinis are the best indicator of whether or not a marriage will succeed.

The Coinkydink Episode - Czech It Out

I Would Marry The Bleep Out Of This Girl

 
 So Arie dated the producer of the show and then he miraculously became a contestant on the show.  What a coinkydink!  How do we have the weird convo with the producer yet no footage of Emily calling Arie out?  Weak!   

Sometimes you just have to let fate take its course in the pursuit of true love fast forward to Sean running the streets of Prague in the middle of the night yelling Emily's name when he miraculously finds Emily walking alone in an alley of a City of 1.3 million people.  What a coinkydink!      

Doug was done when he apologized for him and Emily's legs touching.

So this season has been more about Austin v. Ricki than anything else, who can say it more: Austin Austin Ricki Ricki Ricki Austin Ricki Baggage Ricki Austin Austin Austin Austin Austin Ricki Ricki Ricki who is going to say it more and......... Dougie gets the win when he comes through in the exit interview with one last AUSTIN.  Oh wait, Emily dropped a Ricki at the rose ceremony, one last parting blow to Doug, they end in a tie. 

Doug if your Girldar is broken you could always try your Gaydar.

Chris "I'm not going to dwell on it" as he spazzes at the house, freaks on the group date and goes into a twitching fit at the rose ceremony.  But Chris, don't take it personal that Emily likes Sean way more than you.

Could that puppet situation with Jemily have gotten any weirder?  Buying a puppet for Ricki, lame, Ricki riding on your puppet shoulders, lame.  I thought we were headed toward a puppet porn before it mercifully ended. 

Wait a sec, Jef is from the SLC and his parents are gone as they are "committed to some stuff" for a couple years, what a coinkydink!  What are they committed to? Civil War History, Palmettos, Gamecocks, Southern Plantations?  Do tell, I can't imagine what it could be.

Oh, and I "wanna date you hard and marry the f*&# out of you", nice one.  Your parents in South Carolina studying Civil War History are going to be very disappointed.

To the surprise of no one Wolf was sent Packing (man I am good).

Next week, the moment I have been waiting my life for, my sources said it went something like this: Emily rides Trax to Cafe Rio, pork burrito (enchilada style), afterparty at brick oven, levi lovin, end the evening with froyo at City Creek, heavy petting, then get up early and hit the David Archuleta farewell.