I Will Still Love You I Just Won't Love On You

Confession time, I thought Emily was boring and the show was dragging a bit.....prior to last night. There was a lot of goodness to get into. Let's start with the next Bachelor...Allesandro. This guy is a true player. Unless you have carried on a three year romantic relationship with your Cousin you don't know what love is. He straight told Em that he would consider compromising his fabulous life as a gypsy grain merchant in order to be with Emily oh and Ricki. Alle, I get it, I didn't lose it translation and I think any of us who have kids can relate to what you were saying. Tony Tony Tony you made such a rookie mistake. You have to wait to use the "I miss my kid so much card" until you have a chance to seal the deal. You were way premature and it got you sent home. You can't break that loving father act out until the fantasy suite (hope you were watching and taking notes Doug). Is there really a guy named "Wolf" on the show? Has Alejandro (the Colombian ear ring homey) said one word on the show or to Emily? Same for Michael (long hair dude)? Ryan had the classic conversation of the night when he told Emily she better not get lazy with that body, but its cool if she gets fat he will still love her he will just not love on her. I am sorely disappointed in Travis caving to Emily's friends telling him that carrying around a giant egg made him look like a delta bravo. If you are going to use a prop you should be forced to use it for the whole season. I loved that when Emily smashed it you could see all of the guys shadows looking through the window. In the end Stevie Shore got the boot, you can't expect E to keep someone who dances like that around Ricki. The risk of him taking Ricki on daddy daughter dates to fistpump in Karma was just too great. I have the final four and winner pegged and it is: Arie, Chris, Sean and Doug and the winner .....Chris (just a feeling). Finally, when are we going to start mixing in a hot tub?

Ricki Needs A Daddy!

.

Like I wasn't going to blog about Emily. I think this is the season I've been waiting for and evidenced by the countless dudes crying it is going to be historic. Nice dress BTW. Here we go stream of consciousness style: Nice egg weirdo, that better be hard-boiled, what are you going to do when it breaks just like you and Emily's love.....TG we got the only black guy out of the house so quickly, the last thing we want is Emily having feelings for a minority......The natural thing to say to someone from Brazil speaking Portuguese would clearly be Gracias......Mrs. Doubtfire always gets me in the mood, I don't know what Emily's problem is?.....Finally a Colombian in the house, who doesn't like anteaters.....Helicopter guy is not a ratings plant, he is there for true love.....What the, there is a racecar driver in the house, how could producers not have thought how this might affect Emily ahead of time??......"I may have had a head injury but there is nothing wrong with my heart"...I know about wrinkled suits and Charlie's suit definitely had been on the bedroom floor for the last two weeks....Leave it to Utah to bring the "Power of Love" Marty McFly style entrance, he should have teamed up with boombox guy to play "don't need money, don't need fame, don't need no credit card to ride this train, it's the power of love.".....6 kid guy is right in giving up hope....Single dad guy is a little too interested in Ricki, a little creepy.....this is the hardest and most intense thing I've ever gone through says the delta bravo who just got voted out, you were there for 30 minutes, really, that is the hardest thing you have ever been through?.....Mr. Protein made an excellent point by removing his shirt, Emily did miss out, I even wanted to run my hands through his ab cleavage. On another note we have some very important and exciting Bachelor news, Chris Harrison is getting divorced. He immediately joins the ranks of Bradley Cooper, Derek Jeter, George Clooney and Tim Tebow as America's most eligible. Rumor has it that his wife Gwen got fed up with him announcing: Gwen, this is the final chicken salad sandwich, this is the final hot fudge sundae, this is the final egg, this is the final glass of milk, this is the final time you can go to bed, this is the final shower, this is the final tooth brushing and this is the final time I am going to cheat on you.

And Then There Were Two

C-Ya Nicki.

The competition to land the heart of Mr. Enthusiastic really heated up this week.

This should be a warning to America. With divorce rates skyrocketing girls and boys should be warned prior to marrying that if you get divorced you will likely never be able to win the bachelor/bachelorette and likely never find true love again. Just ask Bentley.

I can't believe at one time I though Kasie B might win true love. Her return only solidified that Ben's choice to bounce her was 100% right. She's nothing but another Courtney hater who apparently likes to lay on hotel floors.

Did anyone else love the girls pumping Emily up to get ready for her quest to find love? What better way to get ready for love than watching Titanic the epic tale of true love being destroyed by a horrific crash....oh kinda like Emily and her Ex....awkward. The best part though had to be Ashley at the 3D movie "I feel like I can reach out and touch them". Umm, yeah that's the point of the 3D glasses you are wearing.

Lyndzi, how do you go from not even a french kiss to this?



Something we haven't addressed, which is really amazing, is that Ben is going to pick the girl who did this:



I can't wait to see you on the bachelor pad Courtney.

So this week we have to wait for the most romantic night of TV of the year as the women tell almost all. If it was really a tell all then the first question Harrison asks would be.... "Alright by a raise of hands who here slept with Ben?" I do think the tell all episode is a powerful tool for these women to look at themselves and see how they can improve so that they too can find true love.

The Time Has Come For The Return Of the Bachelor Blog

The hiatus is over. Just because I haven't been blogging, doesn't mean I haven't been watching. I wouldn't be able to live myself if I missed the above.

It was hometown week which is always titillating.

Lyndzi:
It was such a relief to see Lyndzi finally break down those walls and talk about how all of her past relationships have ended up with her being hurt. Also that carriage race was super rad and was so exciting.

I think Ben wants to like Lyndzi but the chemistry isn't there, the kisses are very forced, she is gone next week.


Kasie B:
Is Kasie B's dad Mormon and how did he mail his shirt to Niki's dad so fast?

I think we can all agree what is more likely to land a husband between skinny dipping/ocean love and baton twirling/marching bands.

Baggy red polo shirt isn't going to cut it and your parents lectures have sealed your fate.


Niki:
Seeing Ben in cowboy boots and a hat was a riot, I never thought they would do something like that and on a date no less.

I have to admit I thought Niki looked pretty good this week and her and Ben have chemistry when they tongue kiss.


Courtney:
What is up with the pause between every word you speak.

"I was looking at this place where Courtney has always wanted to get married and I was thinking it's alright." Classic line Ben.

I have reviewed Arizona law regarding the elements necessary for a valid marriage and (spoiler alert) Ben and Courtney are now married. So for all you haters that say the relationships never work out and they never get married, you can suck it cuz we now have Tristyan and Bentney.


Summary:
What Ben should have said to Kasie B at the end - Don't be upset you will be happy in a couple weeks when you find out that I banged Courtney in Puerto Rico.

"How did this happen, what the bleep happened, what the bleep happened?" Uh your parents happened, uh the marching band baton twirling happened, uh your unwillingness to give it up happened, uh your baggy red polo shirt happened.

Next week will undoubtedly be must watch tv and I can't believe I am saying this but Courtney is officially the frontrunner. What started out as a plant for ratings has turned into true and everlasting love. It is amazing what can happen when you don't put up walls and you allow yourself to love and to be loved.

Who's That Girl

It's Jess.

New Girl is by far my favorite new show this year and Zooey Deschanel has shot right to the top of my funniest girl rankings.

I think my current funniest girl rankings goes as follows:

1. Zooey Deschanel

2. Kristen Wiig

3. Maya Rudolph

Back to New Girl, it is probably making me lol harder than Modern Family and maybe even Parks & Rec.

Everybody needs to start watching Tuesday at 9:00 so that it doesn't get canceled.

Yuuup, Storage Wars the Inside Info

So like everyone else in the world I am a big fan of the show Storage Wars. So I decided to get off the couch and get into the trenches. After losing out on 8 auctions (including one I really wanted with a bunch of stuffed Geese) we came to the last storage locker. The locker didn't look too promising and most people started to leave, but in the back corner I saw a box with a note that said "Bart's Ring". Go time for jonobeingjono. $20 going once, going twice and boom real housewife of Lehi jumps into the fray "$30", we go back and forth and $140 later I take her down. I head to the office, pay for the locker, sprint (okay jog) back to my purchase, proceed immediately to the box, clear everything off it and on top it says "wedding rings"....uh oh. Rip it open and not only did I find Bart's Ring but I also got Margaret's:



Bling Bling Baby!


Now on to the show. For all those like me who are dying to know.....what does Barry Weiss do? He made his money in the produce business as an owner and vice president of "About Northern Produce - Mushroom Inc." and also has always been in the antique business, and he has the highest net worth of anyone on the show.

Alleged Net Worth of the Characters:
1. Barry Weiss - $7,000,000
2. Dan Dotson - $3,500,000
3. Dave Hester - $2,500,000
4. Darrell Sheets - $1,500,000
5. Jarrod & Brandi - $700,000 (and does anyone else wonder how Jarrod landed Brandi?)

Dave Hester owns a 1700 square foot home in Placentia with an approximate value of $470,000, however he has loans against the house totaling approximately $690,000 and in 2009 the house went into foreclosure before he was able to pull it out.

Dave Hester in the Courts:
- Sued in 2009 by American Express on a collections case.
- Sued in 2011 along with Newport consignment on a personal injury case, looks like a slip and fall case at the shop.
- Got a DUI in 2005.
- The most interesting legal matter is the current battle with rapper Trey Songz over his use of Yuuup. Trey Songz seems to claim that he has a claim to Yuuup and sent Hester a cease and desist. Hester responded by filing a lawsuit in Federal Court to have the Court legally declare that Yuuup is his. You be the judge:

Hester:


Trey Songz:


That is pretty close, you might have a problem Hester, stay tuned on how this important and likely precedent setting litigation turns out (oh and Trey let me know if you need anything from Lexus Lawyer).


Now that I'm in the distressed goods business, if anyone is interested I've got the following: 35 pounds of wheat - $20; Mini-TV $25; Boggle $2; Miracle of Forgiveness $3 (I may or may not have been compelled to already read it); Random wedding and kid pictures $15; 1.5 karat diamond wedding ring $4,000. Hit me up.

The X-Factor - Astro Memorial

If you don't watch the X-factor you are seriously missing out. It is geniusly produced and choreographed to make you feel emotion and I feel it every episode, hook, line and sinker.

Last night Middle America voted out my man Astro which is a real shame. So the kid has a little swag, what great rapper doesn't? I may be the biggest Astronaut there is, I mean check this out:

Astro make me:

And finally the best love song ever sung, a love song to hip hop:

I'll be missing you!

Sincerely,

Your No. 1 Astronaut.