Who's That Girl

It's Jess.

New Girl is by far my favorite new show this year and Zooey Deschanel has shot right to the top of my funniest girl rankings.

I think my current funniest girl rankings goes as follows:

1. Zooey Deschanel

2. Kristen Wiig

3. Maya Rudolph

Back to New Girl, it is probably making me lol harder than Modern Family and maybe even Parks & Rec.

Everybody needs to start watching Tuesday at 9:00 so that it doesn't get canceled.

Yuuup, Storage Wars the Inside Info

So like everyone else in the world I am a big fan of the show Storage Wars. So I decided to get off the couch and get into the trenches. After losing out on 8 auctions (including one I really wanted with a bunch of stuffed Geese) we came to the last storage locker. The locker didn't look too promising and most people started to leave, but in the back corner I saw a box with a note that said "Bart's Ring". Go time for jonobeingjono. $20 going once, going twice and boom real housewife of Lehi jumps into the fray "$30", we go back and forth and $140 later I take her down. I head to the office, pay for the locker, sprint (okay jog) back to my purchase, proceed immediately to the box, clear everything off it and on top it says "wedding rings"....uh oh. Rip it open and not only did I find Bart's Ring but I also got Margaret's:



Bling Bling Baby!


Now on to the show. For all those like me who are dying to know.....what does Barry Weiss do? He made his money in the produce business as an owner and vice president of "About Northern Produce - Mushroom Inc." and also has always been in the antique business, and he has the highest net worth of anyone on the show.

Alleged Net Worth of the Characters:
1. Barry Weiss - $7,000,000
2. Dan Dotson - $3,500,000
3. Dave Hester - $2,500,000
4. Darrell Sheets - $1,500,000
5. Jarrod & Brandi - $700,000 (and does anyone else wonder how Jarrod landed Brandi?)

Dave Hester owns a 1700 square foot home in Placentia with an approximate value of $470,000, however he has loans against the house totaling approximately $690,000 and in 2009 the house went into foreclosure before he was able to pull it out.

Dave Hester in the Courts:
- Sued in 2009 by American Express on a collections case.
- Sued in 2011 along with Newport consignment on a personal injury case, looks like a slip and fall case at the shop.
- Got a DUI in 2005.
- The most interesting legal matter is the current battle with rapper Trey Songz over his use of Yuuup. Trey Songz seems to claim that he has a claim to Yuuup and sent Hester a cease and desist. Hester responded by filing a lawsuit in Federal Court to have the Court legally declare that Yuuup is his. You be the judge:

Hester:


Trey Songz:


That is pretty close, you might have a problem Hester, stay tuned on how this important and likely precedent setting litigation turns out (oh and Trey let me know if you need anything from Lexus Lawyer).


Now that I'm in the distressed goods business, if anyone is interested I've got the following: 35 pounds of wheat - $20; Mini-TV $25; Boggle $2; Miracle of Forgiveness $3 (I may or may not have been compelled to already read it); Random wedding and kid pictures $15; 1.5 karat diamond wedding ring $4,000. Hit me up.

The X-Factor - Astro Memorial

If you don't watch the X-factor you are seriously missing out. It is geniusly produced and choreographed to make you feel emotion and I feel it every episode, hook, line and sinker.

Last night Middle America voted out my man Astro which is a real shame. So the kid has a little swag, what great rapper doesn't? I may be the biggest Astronaut there is, I mean check this out:

Astro make me:

And finally the best love song ever sung, a love song to hip hop:

I'll be missing you!

Sincerely,

Your No. 1 Astronaut.

Didn't I Warn You

So a couple of years ago on this here blog I warned all landlords about Real Housewife Lynne Curtin. Well she did it again, Eviction No. 4:

Jacalyn Robbins v. Frank Curtin and Lynne Curtin; Orange County Superior Court Case No. 30-2011-00458887.

The Plaintiff hired eviction attorney Steven Silverstein, who Mr. Free Parking has had many cases with (the last court appearance I had with him, he showed up in a polo shirt). The Curtins settled the matter, agreeing to move out, however failed to comply with the settlement and judgment was eventually entered against them.

Wasn't she saying last season that business was booming????

We'll be on the lookout for #5.

Bachelor Pad Finale Recap

I think we all knew Ella was going to lose the challenge and then cry about it so no surprise there.

The episode didn't really get cracking until Kasey went to pout in the weeds, that was good footage. Also I appreciated the discarded bunk beds outside the compound, that was so L.A., I was just waiting to see some dude pull up in a truck and start loading them.

Who cares about the $250,000, when a perfect rose record is broken.

Michael is a legit dude. Any questions I had about him evaporated when he picked Money and Graham. I can't say so much for Graham. Graham buddy don't you think it was a little case of calling the kettle black complaining about friendship is more important than the game.......did you forget what you did to your friend Gia....and to say it's not about the money, if there is one thing I've learned it's that when someone says it's not about the money it's all about the money.

Encino Man, that is why you don't quit a show where you can win $250,000 for a girl, for a dude, maybe.

Jake and Kasey with a man hug, that was touching.

Kasey, I'm not sure what just happened. It will be hard to convince me you are not the guy who was shown, when you are dating Vienna, and you guys are friends with Erica now? Weird.

Money you should not have made the announcement that you did not want pity votes.

Blake and Holly could not have seemed more orchestrated to create drama for the keep/share decision at the end but I am always happy to see people find true love.

Bachelor Pad is now rivaling the bachelor/ette franchise on couples getting married which makes me very happy.

All said it was a great season and I can't wait for the next installment. We'll talk again in a few months when we find out if Ben can find true love.

Bachelor Pad Recap: Let's Get It Over With!

What else was I going to title the recap. Alright maybe I could have went with "I wish he would have brought a bunch of condoms".

Let's get right to Kasey and Vienna. Call me old fashioned but taking her promise ring for withholding sex seems entirely appropriate to me. Next was shaming her into it by saying just say yes like you did with Wes like you did with Dave Good like you did with....like you did with...like you did with..... Since that didn't work I think he had no choice but to up the ante, either we hook up or no $250,000, finally Vienna got the picture and gave us the words we all want to hear "let's get it over with". Some people claim make up sex is the best I would argue that manipulation sex is way better.

On to the other priceless one, Erica. She had so many historical lines that it is hard to recap all of them. About Vienna "this is a mansion not a trailer park"....very astute analysis. During the nearlywed game "I'm kind of a slut"....hilarious. When Blake tried to analogize bringing a bunch of condoms as a negative "I agree and wish he would have"....she will make a great lawyer. "Blake hooked up with the craziest girl in the house and a girl who has a fiance, at least I hooked up with the bachelor".....again I can't argue with that. Erica is super smooth and seductive and I don't know how Blake was able to resist. He should have just "released any tension there might have been".

Money I hope Brielle wasn't watching you straddle Graham in the hot tub. Last week we taught her it is not alright to kiss guys, so I'm not sure what message she is going to get from this week.

Blake if you wanted to stay maybe you should have held off on making out with Holly in front of Michael on voting night.

Ella, I have to agree with the other contestants your story is getting a little played. The story about your mom is rough but we get it already you deserve the money and you are a single mom who needs the money. You are a contestant on the Bachelor Pad one of the sleaziest (not in a bad way) shows ever. The person that deserves the money is the person that wins the show, which will be Graham and Money (in my opinion).

Next week is going to be must see tv, I may have to set up some sort of live recap to capture all of what will be an unforgettable evening.

Take The Money and Run

This show really should be called Take the Money and Run...........and immediately confess your fake crime therein losing $100,000.

So when I heard about the show I thought the premise had a lot of potential. You are given a case with $100,000 and you have an hour to hide it. After the hour is up two policemen and two interrogators try to find the case, if they find it within 48 hours they get the money, if not the contestants get it.

However, the show gets real cheezy when the officers come and actually arrest the contestants and take their mugshots and incarcerate them. The mind blowing part of the show thus far is that the contestants continually give in to the pressure of interrogation and incarceration for their pretend crime and squeal like a stuck pig.

Only 1 of 5 contestants has been successful so far, and 3 of them have outright told the police where it is. Am I missing something? This cannot be real. This is a Jerry Bruckheimer show, he of Amazing Race creation, but I am not buying it.

I will provide some free legal advice to the fake criminals:

1) When they ask you where you hid the case reply "Bangladesh" over and over again.

2) Any other question they ask you should be answered with an "I can't remember".

3) Yes or No questions should be answered with "maybe".

They don't call me the Lexus Lawyer for nothing.