Bachelor Pad Recap: Let's Get It Over With!

What else was I going to title the recap. Alright maybe I could have went with "I wish he would have brought a bunch of condoms".

Let's get right to Kasey and Vienna. Call me old fashioned but taking her promise ring for withholding sex seems entirely appropriate to me. Next was shaming her into it by saying just say yes like you did with Wes like you did with Dave Good like you did with....like you did with...like you did with..... Since that didn't work I think he had no choice but to up the ante, either we hook up or no $250,000, finally Vienna got the picture and gave us the words we all want to hear "let's get it over with". Some people claim make up sex is the best I would argue that manipulation sex is way better.

On to the other priceless one, Erica. She had so many historical lines that it is hard to recap all of them. About Vienna "this is a mansion not a trailer park"....very astute analysis. During the nearlywed game "I'm kind of a slut"....hilarious. When Blake tried to analogize bringing a bunch of condoms as a negative "I agree and wish he would have"....she will make a great lawyer. "Blake hooked up with the craziest girl in the house and a girl who has a fiance, at least I hooked up with the bachelor".....again I can't argue with that. Erica is super smooth and seductive and I don't know how Blake was able to resist. He should have just "released any tension there might have been".

Money I hope Brielle wasn't watching you straddle Graham in the hot tub. Last week we taught her it is not alright to kiss guys, so I'm not sure what message she is going to get from this week.

Blake if you wanted to stay maybe you should have held off on making out with Holly in front of Michael on voting night.

Ella, I have to agree with the other contestants your story is getting a little played. The story about your mom is rough but we get it already you deserve the money and you are a single mom who needs the money. You are a contestant on the Bachelor Pad one of the sleaziest (not in a bad way) shows ever. The person that deserves the money is the person that wins the show, which will be Graham and Money (in my opinion).

Next week is going to be must see tv, I may have to set up some sort of live recap to capture all of what will be an unforgettable evening.

Take The Money and Run

This show really should be called Take the Money and Run...........and immediately confess your fake crime therein losing $100,000.

So when I heard about the show I thought the premise had a lot of potential. You are given a case with $100,000 and you have an hour to hide it. After the hour is up two policemen and two interrogators try to find the case, if they find it within 48 hours they get the money, if not the contestants get it.

However, the show gets real cheezy when the officers come and actually arrest the contestants and take their mugshots and incarcerate them. The mind blowing part of the show thus far is that the contestants continually give in to the pressure of interrogation and incarceration for their pretend crime and squeal like a stuck pig.

Only 1 of 5 contestants has been successful so far, and 3 of them have outright told the police where it is. Am I missing something? This cannot be real. This is a Jerry Bruckheimer show, he of Amazing Race creation, but I am not buying it.

I will provide some free legal advice to the fake criminals:

1) When they ask you where you hid the case reply "Bangladesh" over and over again.

2) Any other question they ask you should be answered with an "I can't remember".

3) Yes or No questions should be answered with "maybe".

They don't call me the Lexus Lawyer for nothing.

In Honor Of Return of College Football....

I give you my two favorite pump you up traditions:

1. Virginia Tech Entrance to Enter Sandman, the best entrance in football:

and

2. Wisconsin's 4th Quarter Jump Around:

Who doesn't love these, I'm ready to roll.

BP Recap: Erica You're Hired

Erica Rose is in law school? Consider this an open offer to join the firm, as a partner, whenever you are ready. I already changed the letterhead to Nielsen & Rose and I ordered a massage table for the conference room.

So shocked to see Jake go, you got us again ABC.

I was happy to see the return of the kissing competition! But Money? Are you for real? Why are we suddenly trying to set an example, do you think Brielle didn't see this:

or this:

I think it's a little late to set an example for 6 year old girls. I do however love how you are the new narrator at the end of the episode as the voice of reason.

So this may be controversial but I am on team Blake on this one. Michael you blew your chance with Holly and she is so right, now that she goes on a date with someone else you are totally fatal. You looking for her when she got back from the date creeped me out.

Who doesn't wear their emotions on their hair ties and panties, isn't that a given?

Melissa I am surprised you didn't quit before now, so hold your head up high. You seem like quite a catch to me and I'm not sure why everyone else doesn't see it (I no longer live at the same address so don't try to find me).

Well I would make this recap longer but I have to give myself at least 6 minutes uninterrupted to brush my teeth.

BP Recap: I write excellent recaps that I maintain with reality tv injections nightly

Hey Jake, three things I am very blessed at: 1) an ability to write amazing BP recaps; 2) an ability to spot real love when I see it (ie Jake & Erica); and 3) and an ability to be superduper smart and funny and good looking and I think I have an advantage over the other bloggers due to my extensive training in reality tv watching.

Vienna did you say that you have had no alone time with Kasey......uh I beg to differ we all saw the infamous double blur from week one. If we don't see another double blur asap you may be headed for "another public tv breakup".

Did anyone else notice that when Kasey told Vienna that she was acting crazy they immediately panned to the protect and guard tattoo. You can't buy such quality production, pure Jenius.

Now did anyone else notice that at minute 46 Graham has a rose, and then minute 47 no rose, and then minute 48 Money goes to get the rose. Uh Oh! You can't buy such quality production.

"Melissa is psycho" while panning to Vienna pounding a butcher knife in a Pocaontas bikini.......and production you totally redeem yourself.

Relationship advice from the star of Rock of Syphillis, I mean Love. Alright another "did you notice": that the rose Holly was holding during "Every Rose Has A Thorn" didn't have a thorn.

Okay I wasn't going to go here, but Erica I loved your interpretation of a foot massage.

"I definitely have good lips.......that I maintain..........with getting injections every six months. "I can't trust Melissa as far as I can throw her and even though she is really tiny is not very far", not much more I can add to those gems.

"My love for you is infinity".......followed by "I don't want it to be an engagement ring"......followed by opening the ring box the wrong way.........followed by the best freestyle love song performance ever = 3 of the best minutes of my life!

BP leaving us with a cliffhanger, nice touch, but you can't fool Free Parking my money is on Jake going home.

BP Recap: Are You Ready? I'm Going To Punch You Mentally.

It's guard and protect time.

Has there ever been a reality show where it has been easier to win $250K? All you have to do is not quit and you have a great shot at winning.

Chris Harrison has once again shown why he is America's favorite host...classic telling Vienna you will call her a cab. Hey Vienna, you got paid to broadcast your breakup with Jake which would imply that you weren't forced to televise it.

The heart is beating.

Ella you may have survived but you are still fatter and uglier than Erica.

Erica I don't think I've ever had such a dramatic swing of how I felt for someone. I felt terrible for you and then you reminded us that Ella is thicker than you and should have been the target. Although I dig the preview of you hooking up with Jake......SPOILER ALERT: If Jake and her don't hook up next week, then you know Jake is not getting voted out.

Encino man, that was an admittedly pimp move, you knew you were next so why not act like you gave up 250K for a girl, it is a sure way to get some. I did love your wave and giggle before you ran for the limo but I am shocked and dismayed that you could love Jackie more than you loved Ashley, especially after you just met her, you and Ashley broke down so many walls and I don't think Jackie has been with you long enough to break down any walls.

Blake, you are hot but you broke the cardinal rule of this type of format. You can flirt all you want, but you never ever ever ever hook up just to gain favor. That strategy has never worked.

Gia, I usually am a critic of those who quit, but you looked like you just needed a hug.....I'm here and I won't treat you like Jake, Wes, Kasey or Graham. I will guard and protect and unlike Jake, Wes and Kasey I'll always choose you over Vienna (unless I see Vienna at Wells Fargo again in stripper heels and the opportunity inevitably presents itself).

Was it just me or was the show a little short, I think we need to go back to the 3 hour format. We could easily do 50 minutes of just Kasey interviews and quotes. How does he have friends? Kirk and Graham seem cool, but they hang with Kasey, so ????????????

I better just post this, my tattoo artist just got here and this is going on my lower back:

BP Recap: Best 3 Hours Ever

So when I went to the DVR and saw that Bachelor Pad was going to be three hours I have to say I was thinking this is a little too much...too much awesome for one night.....and indeed it did not disappoint. My salient points and analysis:

Jake: Jake we already know Vienna is a freak, yeah you spazzed on live tv during the breakup but we have moved on as we can clearly see that Vienna is nuts. I am actually going to go against the grain by calling Jake out, I don't think his giving the rose to Vienna was anything more than another attempt to clean up his image by apologizing for yelling at her. The right thing to do would have been to give it to a friend who stood up for you.....Gia.

Vienna: We aren't buying it, give it a rest. I do have to give you credit on giving us the first fully nude blur in Bachelor history.

Kasey: "I'm in the best shape of my life, I've gained 30 pounds of solid muscle I just want to punch the guy" followed by "I'm gonna go take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka". Two of the funniest lines I've ever heard on TV. This coming from a guy who got a tattoo on the bachelorette promising to protect and guard Ali's heart. You better watch it though you already broke your promise to Vienna not to fight on TV.

Gia: I loved her grease board summary of what's been going on with her life, she is awesome. What am I missing with her: superhot, funny and sweet and she has now had two guys dump her for Vienna and her mom haircut.....smh.

Money: Good job on the challenge, you deserved to win.

Ames: I went from a mere month ago thinking you liked guys to being the biggest pimp on the show.

Who is the chubby princess?

Blake: You are hot, I think you should have held out to be the next Bachelor, you can't put a price on true love.

It would be ironic if Rated R was left on a glacier.......oh well I guess a driveway in Malibu will have to do for you Kasey. It was a nice exit though..... at least he gets to go back to real life where he dominates.

Alli (is that her name) what did you expect you played it so dumb, it's like you've never watched the real world/road rules challenge. RW/RR Challenge should be required viewing for anyone going on BP if you want to know how to play it.

BP is definitely shaping up to be one of the best reality competitions of all time and spoiler alert Blake and Holly and the other Blonde are not going home next week.