I've Brushed Off the Chrisney Breakup and I'm Back

Jimmy Fallon Aint Got Nothin On Me

So I suck and didn't get the blog out as quick as I would have liked this week.  The truth is I was having serious writer's block and the comedy just wasn't coming.

This morning I woke up and tried to evaluate my priorities and why I wasn't blogging and I came to the realization that it is Chrisney's fault.  I did not take the news of their breakup very well.  If you can't find love with Prince Farming then what is true love?  I decided to check twitter to see if I could feel better about love and maybe break down some walls so I could continue this blogging journey and boom there is Andi promoting a new reality show.  Andi will be seeking to find true love in the Big Apple with none other than Sharleen Mundo.   If these two can pick themselves up after the devastation of not finding true love with Who Pablo, then who am I to be too depressed to blog, so here we go, let the blogging journey continue...........

Group Date: Boxing With Ali
Justin "so we walk into the building and we see nothing but boxing bags, speed bags and there is Kaitlyn in the corner, it was totally unexpected to see her."  Who did he think would be there?  Did he think they were just being taken for a morning workout and that Kaitlyn wouldn't be at the group date?

Kaitlyn introduces the guys to Laila Ali and Kupah has an O.  They start working out and one dude breaks some windows with his jump rope, smooth.

The guys learn that they have to fight each other.  Kupah who was killing it at the gym trying to show off for Ali gets knocked out by Jared who weighs 35 pounds less than him and runs the fryer at Jack In The Box.  Jared probably shouldn't have won that fight as he then has to fight Ben Z who outweighs him by 55 pounds.  Ben of course sends Jared to the emergency room which might seem sad but it has been statistically shown that having to receive medical treatment is a great way to find true love on the Bachelor/ette (See Brooks breaking a finger and Kelsey having an anxiety attack).

After the date, back at the house Healer speaks out that the boxing date was a joke as love should never start with fisticuffs.  Ray Rice and Chris Brown would disagree.

One on One: Clint
Underwater photo shoot was actually pretty cool.  Clint seems pretty hesitant and we learn why when he jumps in the pool and has a big bald spot up top.  Kaitlyn lets us know that she has never had a first kiss underwater.  What a prude, where has she been?  Clint seems fine, and he did draw a picture of Harrison riding a dinosaur so I gotta give him that, but he's not exactly Mr. Excitement.

Meanwhile back at the house Tony is asking the guys if Kaitlyn is supportive?  Who doesn't want to date a jock strap.

Flash to somewhere in Hollywood where Britt and Brady are not showering together.

Group Date: Comedy Improv
JJ and the healer are pumped when they learn that they will have to do a stand-up routine with Amy Schumer.

JJ let's us know that he is too smart for 90% of the audience.   So far he has done a Wayne's World impression, a Seinfeld impression and broken off a bull-dozer joke....real smart stuff JJ.  Schumer lets us know that JJ is a sweetheart he is just missing charisma, humility and a sense of humor, but other than that he should be hired as the next Bachelor...classic.

Healer let's us know he has been trained for this his whole life.  Does he know this is a comedy club? He goes for 10 minutes about how sensitive and thankful he is for the opportunity.

Cocktail Party:
And if we were wondering who the villain was going to be look no further than our man JJ.  JJ takes the whole party to let everyone know, including Kaitlyn, that he is there for Kaitlyn, not to make friends.  It is a fail proof strategy for finding love, ask Courtney or Vienna.   But hey, he feels smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of I talked to the girl and you didn't.  After his performance at the comedy improv I see him more as Jimmy Fallon wrapped inside Larry David wrapped inside Jim Gaffigan wrapped inside of a bag filled with douche.    
Leave it to the Bachelorette to address race relations in America.   Kupah pulls Kaitlyn aside to let her know that he doesn't want to be the minority guy filling a quota.  C'mon Kupah the Bachelor/ette doesn't do that.  Marquel finds what you are saying offensive.

Kaitlyn doesn't like being called out as a racist and lets Kupah know that he is there because he likes music not because he is black and decides to send him packing (we still got Ian and Jonathan).

Kupah freaks and this constitutes enough drama for the show to be continued.....  Are you serious ABC?  No rose ceremony because of that?  Put him in the limo and let him blow up like 90% of the other contestants and let's get to the rose ceremony.

I Saw You Take A Nap With Britt!

I Hope You Watched The Previews

C Ya Britt

Kaitlyn: Hey Britt Knock Knock. Britt: Who's there? Kaitlyn: I. Britt: I Who.  Kaitlyn:I banged a dude who probably picked you. 

So, I was wrong.  I know you expect more of me and I could not have been more sure that the double bachelorette was happening for the whole season, but alas ABC always keepin me on my toes.  I swear this is the last time I will doubt you again Bachelor/ette producers.

For any of you that thought Britt would make for a better season that Kaitlyn, I hoped you watched the previews.  This season promises to pack more drama than ever before.

Britt v. Kaitlyn:
Harrison wastes no time in letting Britt know that she has not been chosen and she needs to hit the road.  I loved the genuine surprise in Britt's eyes and words.........but Harrison do the guys not know how hot I am.....have they seen my hair......I didn't even break out the Chucks yet.....and do they know that after spending the night with me I look the exact same in the morning....how could they choose Kaitlyn?

I hike in full makeup, what more do you want?

I sleep in full makeup, what more do you want?

In the end it wasn't enough and we are getting a full season of Kaitlyn who promises to be a wild ride (pun intended).

Meet the Bachelors/Rose Ceremony:
Kaitlyn is announced and it is scramble time for the guys that voted for Britt.  Werewolf Jared admits that he voted for Britt and that somehow gets some nice bonus points despite his creepy face and the fact that he manages a Burger King.  Dentist Chris gets some action and then Shawn gets some seconds.  

The rose ceremony should have been pretty drama free right.  Standard Bachelorette procedure get rid of a minority, a stripper, and a sex coach, it was going to be too easy until Brady broke script by interrupting the RC to let Kaitlyn know that he was in love with Britt and he was leaving to find her. Say what you want about Brady but I fall more in the he's a romantic camp than the he's a stalker camp.

Kaitlyn I know it seemed like a logical choice to get rid of Shawn the sex coach, but after seeing the previews do you not think he could have served some value by keeping him around.  I mean in episode one he gave us some advice that money can't buy and I quote (under age 35 stop reading) "when you get those a*#* toys just make sure they have something on it so they don't get stuck in your bowels."  I personally have never heard better advice given.   Anybody can tell you to work hard, get an education, stay away from drugs but none of that advice will save you from the pain and trauma you will undoubtedly suffer from failing to follow Shawn's advice.  Seriously: broke, uneducated drug addict > a*#! toy stuck in your bowels.  Well at least we got one nugget (pun intended) before Shawn was sent packing.

Brady The Romantic Stalker:
So Brady excused himself from the RC and heads out on a journey to find his soul-mate Ms. Britt and we are left with him outside her hotel door.  I can't imagine the disappointment he is going to feel when he opens that hotel door and sees Britt and Kobe Bryant in there.

Previews Analysis:
I wish that I could not affect the integrity of my viewing by avoiding previews but Bachelorette previews are more tempting than a Colombian party to a crack addict.  Not only must I watch the previews but I run it back numerous times, slow motion, pause etc...

This season's previews did not disappoint.  Why is Kaitlyn kissing Nick from Andi's season?  Where did he come from?  Uh oh...I hear sounds, and this is well before fantasy suite week and whaddaya know Kaitlyn is admitting to like 10 of the guys that she already did fantasy suite stuff with one of the dudes.

I don't know why Kaitlyn is stressing how the guys will take this news, I mean Nick has been down this road before and he took it real well, just ask Andi.

I can't wait for Kaitlyn to find true love, she and her bird tattoos deserve it.  


P.S.
Speaking of Andi can these rumors about her and Harrison being an item be true?  I sure hope so.

Who Is Hotter Britt v. Kaitlyn

I'm Hotter Than Kaitlyn

Last night was shocking....a whole lot of unfiltered drama.  I was a Britt apologist last year, but I think I was bamboozled by her hair into thinking she is cool.  She came off as phony bologna last night.  

Real Quick:

1) Why does the healer have a black eye?  My guess is someone punched him for being so weird.  And if you are a healer, why did you not heal the eye, prior to the most important night of your life.

2) An "amateur" sex instructor.  C'mon Bachelorette, you couldn't spring for a "professional" instructor?  Who wants an amateur teaching them?  It's hard enough to please a woman, the last thing you need is some amateur throwing in his 2 cents.  But can't lie his advice later in the night was spot on.  

3) Professional beach volleyball player, living in New York?

Let's get to the main event, our main man Ryan "the real deal" McDill you know Ryan "do you want eat my" McDill Pickle.  Ryan got drunk and Harrison gave him the heave ho.  

I found it to be very coincidental that he was tossed leaving 24 guys, could it be that we are headed for a 12-12 vote on Kaitlyn v. Britt. 

I hate to be conspiracy guy, when true love is at stake, but did we also forget to mention that Ryan is Nikki Ferrell's ex.  You remember Nikki, the one that stayed with Who Pablo for a couple years. Was he a plant so we could end up with a 12-12 vote?  

However, if it was ABC's plan all along they made one mistake.  Ryan clearly cast his vote for Britt:

     

He looked at Britt's picture and gently tossed his rose toward her box, and there may have even been a petal or two that landed in the box.   

Can't wait for tonight!

P.S. Ryan falling out of the hot tub was comedy gold.