Who's That Girl

It's Jess.

New Girl is by far my favorite new show this year and Zooey Deschanel has shot right to the top of my funniest girl rankings.

I think my current funniest girl rankings goes as follows:

1. Zooey Deschanel

2. Kristen Wiig

3. Maya Rudolph

Back to New Girl, it is probably making me lol harder than Modern Family and maybe even Parks & Rec.

Everybody needs to start watching Tuesday at 9:00 so that it doesn't get canceled.

Yuuup, Storage Wars the Inside Info

So like everyone else in the world I am a big fan of the show Storage Wars. So I decided to get off the couch and get into the trenches. After losing out on 8 auctions (including one I really wanted with a bunch of stuffed Geese) we came to the last storage locker. The locker didn't look too promising and most people started to leave, but in the back corner I saw a box with a note that said "Bart's Ring". Go time for jonobeingjono. $20 going once, going twice and boom real housewife of Lehi jumps into the fray "$30", we go back and forth and $140 later I take her down. I head to the office, pay for the locker, sprint (okay jog) back to my purchase, proceed immediately to the box, clear everything off it and on top it says "wedding rings"....uh oh. Rip it open and not only did I find Bart's Ring but I also got Margaret's:



Bling Bling Baby!


Now on to the show. For all those like me who are dying to know.....what does Barry Weiss do? He made his money in the produce business as an owner and vice president of "About Northern Produce - Mushroom Inc." and also has always been in the antique business, and he has the highest net worth of anyone on the show.

Alleged Net Worth of the Characters:
1. Barry Weiss - $7,000,000
2. Dan Dotson - $3,500,000
3. Dave Hester - $2,500,000
4. Darrell Sheets - $1,500,000
5. Jarrod & Brandi - $700,000 (and does anyone else wonder how Jarrod landed Brandi?)

Dave Hester owns a 1700 square foot home in Placentia with an approximate value of $470,000, however he has loans against the house totaling approximately $690,000 and in 2009 the house went into foreclosure before he was able to pull it out.

Dave Hester in the Courts:
- Sued in 2009 by American Express on a collections case.
- Sued in 2011 along with Newport consignment on a personal injury case, looks like a slip and fall case at the shop.
- Got a DUI in 2005.
- The most interesting legal matter is the current battle with rapper Trey Songz over his use of Yuuup. Trey Songz seems to claim that he has a claim to Yuuup and sent Hester a cease and desist. Hester responded by filing a lawsuit in Federal Court to have the Court legally declare that Yuuup is his. You be the judge:

Hester:


Trey Songz:


That is pretty close, you might have a problem Hester, stay tuned on how this important and likely precedent setting litigation turns out (oh and Trey let me know if you need anything from Lexus Lawyer).


Now that I'm in the distressed goods business, if anyone is interested I've got the following: 35 pounds of wheat - $20; Mini-TV $25; Boggle $2; Miracle of Forgiveness $3 (I may or may not have been compelled to already read it); Random wedding and kid pictures $15; 1.5 karat diamond wedding ring $4,000. Hit me up.

The X-Factor - Astro Memorial

If you don't watch the X-factor you are seriously missing out. It is geniusly produced and choreographed to make you feel emotion and I feel it every episode, hook, line and sinker.

Last night Middle America voted out my man Astro which is a real shame. So the kid has a little swag, what great rapper doesn't? I may be the biggest Astronaut there is, I mean check this out:

Astro make me:

And finally the best love song ever sung, a love song to hip hop:

I'll be missing you!

Sincerely,

Your No. 1 Astronaut.

Didn't I Warn You

So a couple of years ago on this here blog I warned all landlords about Real Housewife Lynne Curtin. Well she did it again, Eviction No. 4:

Jacalyn Robbins v. Frank Curtin and Lynne Curtin; Orange County Superior Court Case No. 30-2011-00458887.

The Plaintiff hired eviction attorney Steven Silverstein, who Mr. Free Parking has had many cases with (the last court appearance I had with him, he showed up in a polo shirt). The Curtins settled the matter, agreeing to move out, however failed to comply with the settlement and judgment was eventually entered against them.

Wasn't she saying last season that business was booming????

We'll be on the lookout for #5.

Bachelor Pad Finale Recap

I think we all knew Ella was going to lose the challenge and then cry about it so no surprise there.

The episode didn't really get cracking until Kasey went to pout in the weeds, that was good footage. Also I appreciated the discarded bunk beds outside the compound, that was so L.A., I was just waiting to see some dude pull up in a truck and start loading them.

Who cares about the $250,000, when a perfect rose record is broken.

Michael is a legit dude. Any questions I had about him evaporated when he picked Money and Graham. I can't say so much for Graham. Graham buddy don't you think it was a little case of calling the kettle black complaining about friendship is more important than the game.......did you forget what you did to your friend Gia....and to say it's not about the money, if there is one thing I've learned it's that when someone says it's not about the money it's all about the money.

Encino Man, that is why you don't quit a show where you can win $250,000 for a girl, for a dude, maybe.

Jake and Kasey with a man hug, that was touching.

Kasey, I'm not sure what just happened. It will be hard to convince me you are not the guy who was shown, when you are dating Vienna, and you guys are friends with Erica now? Weird.

Money you should not have made the announcement that you did not want pity votes.

Blake and Holly could not have seemed more orchestrated to create drama for the keep/share decision at the end but I am always happy to see people find true love.

Bachelor Pad is now rivaling the bachelor/ette franchise on couples getting married which makes me very happy.

All said it was a great season and I can't wait for the next installment. We'll talk again in a few months when we find out if Ben can find true love.

Bachelor Pad Recap: Let's Get It Over With!

What else was I going to title the recap. Alright maybe I could have went with "I wish he would have brought a bunch of condoms".

Let's get right to Kasey and Vienna. Call me old fashioned but taking her promise ring for withholding sex seems entirely appropriate to me. Next was shaming her into it by saying just say yes like you did with Wes like you did with Dave Good like you did with....like you did with...like you did with..... Since that didn't work I think he had no choice but to up the ante, either we hook up or no $250,000, finally Vienna got the picture and gave us the words we all want to hear "let's get it over with". Some people claim make up sex is the best I would argue that manipulation sex is way better.

On to the other priceless one, Erica. She had so many historical lines that it is hard to recap all of them. About Vienna "this is a mansion not a trailer park"....very astute analysis. During the nearlywed game "I'm kind of a slut"....hilarious. When Blake tried to analogize bringing a bunch of condoms as a negative "I agree and wish he would have"....she will make a great lawyer. "Blake hooked up with the craziest girl in the house and a girl who has a fiance, at least I hooked up with the bachelor".....again I can't argue with that. Erica is super smooth and seductive and I don't know how Blake was able to resist. He should have just "released any tension there might have been".

Money I hope Brielle wasn't watching you straddle Graham in the hot tub. Last week we taught her it is not alright to kiss guys, so I'm not sure what message she is going to get from this week.

Blake if you wanted to stay maybe you should have held off on making out with Holly in front of Michael on voting night.

Ella, I have to agree with the other contestants your story is getting a little played. The story about your mom is rough but we get it already you deserve the money and you are a single mom who needs the money. You are a contestant on the Bachelor Pad one of the sleaziest (not in a bad way) shows ever. The person that deserves the money is the person that wins the show, which will be Graham and Money (in my opinion).

Next week is going to be must see tv, I may have to set up some sort of live recap to capture all of what will be an unforgettable evening.

Take The Money and Run

This show really should be called Take the Money and Run...........and immediately confess your fake crime therein losing $100,000.

So when I heard about the show I thought the premise had a lot of potential. You are given a case with $100,000 and you have an hour to hide it. After the hour is up two policemen and two interrogators try to find the case, if they find it within 48 hours they get the money, if not the contestants get it.

However, the show gets real cheezy when the officers come and actually arrest the contestants and take their mugshots and incarcerate them. The mind blowing part of the show thus far is that the contestants continually give in to the pressure of interrogation and incarceration for their pretend crime and squeal like a stuck pig.

Only 1 of 5 contestants has been successful so far, and 3 of them have outright told the police where it is. Am I missing something? This cannot be real. This is a Jerry Bruckheimer show, he of Amazing Race creation, but I am not buying it.

I will provide some free legal advice to the fake criminals:

1) When they ask you where you hid the case reply "Bangladesh" over and over again.

2) Any other question they ask you should be answered with an "I can't remember".

3) Yes or No questions should be answered with "maybe".

They don't call me the Lexus Lawyer for nothing.

In Honor Of Return of College Football....

I give you my two favorite pump you up traditions:

1. Virginia Tech Entrance to Enter Sandman, the best entrance in football:

and

2. Wisconsin's 4th Quarter Jump Around:

Who doesn't love these, I'm ready to roll.

BP Recap: Erica You're Hired

Erica Rose is in law school? Consider this an open offer to join the firm, as a partner, whenever you are ready. I already changed the letterhead to Nielsen & Rose and I ordered a massage table for the conference room.

So shocked to see Jake go, you got us again ABC.

I was happy to see the return of the kissing competition! But Money? Are you for real? Why are we suddenly trying to set an example, do you think Brielle didn't see this:

or this:

I think it's a little late to set an example for 6 year old girls. I do however love how you are the new narrator at the end of the episode as the voice of reason.

So this may be controversial but I am on team Blake on this one. Michael you blew your chance with Holly and she is so right, now that she goes on a date with someone else you are totally fatal. You looking for her when she got back from the date creeped me out.

Who doesn't wear their emotions on their hair ties and panties, isn't that a given?

Melissa I am surprised you didn't quit before now, so hold your head up high. You seem like quite a catch to me and I'm not sure why everyone else doesn't see it (I no longer live at the same address so don't try to find me).

Well I would make this recap longer but I have to give myself at least 6 minutes uninterrupted to brush my teeth.

BP Recap: I write excellent recaps that I maintain with reality tv injections nightly

Hey Jake, three things I am very blessed at: 1) an ability to write amazing BP recaps; 2) an ability to spot real love when I see it (ie Jake & Erica); and 3) and an ability to be superduper smart and funny and good looking and I think I have an advantage over the other bloggers due to my extensive training in reality tv watching.

Vienna did you say that you have had no alone time with Kasey......uh I beg to differ we all saw the infamous double blur from week one. If we don't see another double blur asap you may be headed for "another public tv breakup".

Did anyone else notice that when Kasey told Vienna that she was acting crazy they immediately panned to the protect and guard tattoo. You can't buy such quality production, pure Jenius.

Now did anyone else notice that at minute 46 Graham has a rose, and then minute 47 no rose, and then minute 48 Money goes to get the rose. Uh Oh! You can't buy such quality production.

"Melissa is psycho" while panning to Vienna pounding a butcher knife in a Pocaontas bikini.......and production you totally redeem yourself.

Relationship advice from the star of Rock of Syphillis, I mean Love. Alright another "did you notice": that the rose Holly was holding during "Every Rose Has A Thorn" didn't have a thorn.

Okay I wasn't going to go here, but Erica I loved your interpretation of a foot massage.

"I definitely have good lips.......that I maintain..........with getting injections every six months. "I can't trust Melissa as far as I can throw her and even though she is really tiny is not very far", not much more I can add to those gems.

"My love for you is infinity".......followed by "I don't want it to be an engagement ring"......followed by opening the ring box the wrong way.........followed by the best freestyle love song performance ever = 3 of the best minutes of my life!

BP leaving us with a cliffhanger, nice touch, but you can't fool Free Parking my money is on Jake going home.

BP Recap: Are You Ready? I'm Going To Punch You Mentally.

It's guard and protect time.

Has there ever been a reality show where it has been easier to win $250K? All you have to do is not quit and you have a great shot at winning.

Chris Harrison has once again shown why he is America's favorite host...classic telling Vienna you will call her a cab. Hey Vienna, you got paid to broadcast your breakup with Jake which would imply that you weren't forced to televise it.

The heart is beating.

Ella you may have survived but you are still fatter and uglier than Erica.

Erica I don't think I've ever had such a dramatic swing of how I felt for someone. I felt terrible for you and then you reminded us that Ella is thicker than you and should have been the target. Although I dig the preview of you hooking up with Jake......SPOILER ALERT: If Jake and her don't hook up next week, then you know Jake is not getting voted out.

Encino man, that was an admittedly pimp move, you knew you were next so why not act like you gave up 250K for a girl, it is a sure way to get some. I did love your wave and giggle before you ran for the limo but I am shocked and dismayed that you could love Jackie more than you loved Ashley, especially after you just met her, you and Ashley broke down so many walls and I don't think Jackie has been with you long enough to break down any walls.

Blake, you are hot but you broke the cardinal rule of this type of format. You can flirt all you want, but you never ever ever ever hook up just to gain favor. That strategy has never worked.

Gia, I usually am a critic of those who quit, but you looked like you just needed a hug.....I'm here and I won't treat you like Jake, Wes, Kasey or Graham. I will guard and protect and unlike Jake, Wes and Kasey I'll always choose you over Vienna (unless I see Vienna at Wells Fargo again in stripper heels and the opportunity inevitably presents itself).

Was it just me or was the show a little short, I think we need to go back to the 3 hour format. We could easily do 50 minutes of just Kasey interviews and quotes. How does he have friends? Kirk and Graham seem cool, but they hang with Kasey, so ????????????

I better just post this, my tattoo artist just got here and this is going on my lower back:

BP Recap: Best 3 Hours Ever

So when I went to the DVR and saw that Bachelor Pad was going to be three hours I have to say I was thinking this is a little too much...too much awesome for one night.....and indeed it did not disappoint. My salient points and analysis:

Jake: Jake we already know Vienna is a freak, yeah you spazzed on live tv during the breakup but we have moved on as we can clearly see that Vienna is nuts. I am actually going to go against the grain by calling Jake out, I don't think his giving the rose to Vienna was anything more than another attempt to clean up his image by apologizing for yelling at her. The right thing to do would have been to give it to a friend who stood up for you.....Gia.

Vienna: We aren't buying it, give it a rest. I do have to give you credit on giving us the first fully nude blur in Bachelor history.

Kasey: "I'm in the best shape of my life, I've gained 30 pounds of solid muscle I just want to punch the guy" followed by "I'm gonna go take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka". Two of the funniest lines I've ever heard on TV. This coming from a guy who got a tattoo on the bachelorette promising to protect and guard Ali's heart. You better watch it though you already broke your promise to Vienna not to fight on TV.

Gia: I loved her grease board summary of what's been going on with her life, she is awesome. What am I missing with her: superhot, funny and sweet and she has now had two guys dump her for Vienna and her mom haircut.....smh.

Money: Good job on the challenge, you deserved to win.

Ames: I went from a mere month ago thinking you liked guys to being the biggest pimp on the show.

Who is the chubby princess?

Blake: You are hot, I think you should have held out to be the next Bachelor, you can't put a price on true love.

It would be ironic if Rated R was left on a glacier.......oh well I guess a driveway in Malibu will have to do for you Kasey. It was a nice exit though..... at least he gets to go back to real life where he dominates.

Alli (is that her name) what did you expect you played it so dumb, it's like you've never watched the real world/road rules challenge. RW/RR Challenge should be required viewing for anyone going on BP if you want to know how to play it.

BP is definitely shaping up to be one of the best reality competitions of all time and spoiler alert Blake and Holly and the other Blonde are not going home next week.

Bachelorette Recap: Poor Ry Ry

Very unbachelorette for them to show us who returned right from the get go.

It was so fun to see Ryan back and to see him get sent home for the second time. I loved when she was pumping him up and he had that goofy smile and then she hit him with.....but........you are an idiot.

Is there a bigger Delta Bravo than Ryan? No.

So I can either go hit it or go home...hmm I guess I'll go home.

Have there ever been so many contestants to quit the show out of pure annoyance at who was the bachelor/ette?

Constantine if I were going to jump off a waterfall I would suggest aqua socks over converse.

Ashley "we" did not decide for Constantine to go home "he" decided.

Ben, you said the magic words and it isn't I love you but rather I broke down my walls. There is nothing more effective for finding true love than to break down walls.

Ryan's least favorite word: "but"

Why did Ashley change into more clothes with JP in the fantasy suite?

Ryan you are from CDM yet you continually wear office casual to the beach.

What would have happened if either Ben or JP did not accept the rose? Considering three people have already left I thought it was a very risky decision for Ashley and ABC.

Where was Harrison to tell us there was only one rose remaining? That is just not right to break format at this point.

So it comes down to this JP v. Ben, two great guys who have broken down some serious walls this year and who are really at this point committed to true love and to maintaining that hope of a happy ending and to spending the rest of their lives together.

P.S. Bachelor Pad is going to be must see TV and Bentley we already suspected that you were better in bed than the rest of the contestants.

Bachelorette Recap: Water Heaters and Urine Lanterns

You d d d d d don't wa wa wa want to me me me meet my fa fa fa fa fa family. You have no i i i i, you have no i i i i i d i i de i i, I'm going to be a good father.

Ryan when are you going to learn that talking about your passions and what is important to you will never lead to true love. You need to talk about breaking down walls and connections and chemistry and the power of love, that is what makes people fall in love. Also FYI, I love hot showers, and I am not afraid to sit in that hot shower for 45 minutes if I feel like it, and my water heater better be ready and better keep pumping or I am going to be furious. I was personally relieved to find out that my water heater is working all day and is ready for me to take a hot shower on a whim.

Ames, you have come a long way since your days of running around Encino with Pauly Shore, congrats buddy.

I can't believe that Constantine stayed after that dog urinated all over his and Ashley's love. That was a sign if I've ever seen one.

I wasn't surprised to see Lucas go, how comfortable can Ashley be with a guy who just fell out of love with his last wife. I can see cheating or addiction but just falling out of love, red flag for me.

So it comes down to the Josh Grobans, JP and Encino Man. I don't think there has ever been a worse foursome in Bachelorette history. There aren't a lot of good options here, it sure is looking like JP, which sure makes me look really smart if you go back to my first Bachelorette recap. What can I say I am really in touch with my emotions and I can pick out true love when I see it.

P.S. Bremily, we are so shocked, that it didn't work out. No need to pretend, we knew it was over at after the final rose when he could hardly contain himself from backhanding you.

My suggestion to Emily:

or:

Either would be a great choice for you.

Bachelorette Recap: The long awaited .

So after several weeks of . . . we finally got the .

The long awaited return of Adolf Bentley was quite tense. I for one found the conversation and interaction between Bentley and Ashley riveting, but admittedly I may be in the minority on that view. I so wanted Bentley back on the show but alas it wasn't to be.

Does anyone else want to go to Hong Kong? It looked magical and I can only imagine seeking true love over dinner in a junk boat or listening to the mystical sounds of the erhu while the fog rolls in over city lights. It was beautiful and the perfect setting for Ashley to move past that meanie Bentley in her quest for true love.

Not since Gerald (with a hard G) from the Joe Schmo show has there been a more gotta be gay guy than Ames. Someone needs to let him know asap that just because Ashley and Constantine have the same chest size, they are not the same in all regards.

I was proud of Mickey for standing up for what is right and leaving the show, only thing is I am not sure when he joined the show.....has he been on all season?

Quite surprised with Ryan getting the rose on the group date. I am not buying what he is selling, with his exuberance and positive outlook on life. Maybe if I lived in CDM my attitude would change.

Ashley could you please get rid of one of the Geico Josh Grobans, it is getting very difficult for me to distinguish Constantine from Ben during the previews for upcoming weeks.

My week 1 prediction of JP is looking really solid right now, but love is very unpredictable and I'm not taking it to the bank yet. Based on those ABC previews there is still a lot to go down so stay tuned.

Bachelorette Recap: ...

Did we get played or what, led to believe that this was the week that Bentley returns, touche ABC preview guy, got us again.

Episode started a bit slow, we survived a mental kiss between Ashley and Benstantine to get to the group date where it got a little more fun.

I was so shocked that Ames got the pink shorts, and that he then got knocked out.....shocking. Is there anything less romantic than a guy faking a concussion, it really ruined the evening. With all of those tired muscles the date was inevitably headed for a hot tub and then Ames goes to the hospital and ruins it.

The head to head date was really good. William narcs on Ben and he gets sent down the river, literally, without even confirming the truth of Will's statements. Then poor Will gets the boot and tells us he is going to kill himself. Eaaaasssssssssy William, be more gentle with yourself, how can you say you have nothing to go home to, I'm sure the cell phone sales kiosk at the mall held your position. I was half expecting Mike Seaver to come on afterward with a public service announcement about suicide.

In the end Nick got the boot which came as no surprise as no one with that hair and that tan is looking for real love.

The previews teased us again with a Bentley sighting and even though I got played this week, I can't wait to see this go down. Can you imagine if all the dudes just quit over it, potential Bachelorette history. Poor Ashley is showing us again that she is the most insecure empty headed dentist in the Country, but after watching her with Womack are we really surprised? Oh, but what I would pay to be sitting with her watching the Bentley episodes back.

Celeb Sighting: Dr. Will

Saw Dr. Will of big brother fame at Jamba Juice this week, he looks younger by the day, definitely no wrinkles.

Bachelorette Recap: "If Bentley Were Here"

I am really getting over Ashley quick. I have to concur that it would have been much better with Emily or Chantal. Could Ashley have said one more time "If Bentley Were Here"........

Is there anything less romantic than building an orphanage?

Which was more awkward: a) Blake breaking up with Ryan because of his positivity; b) Brad boiling over with anger at "after the final rose" with Emily or c) Ryan explaining that the reason he is so positive is that he doesn't have mortars going off around him.

I'm glad that my guy J.P. is the best kisser on the show, I knew that from the beginning.

Who is going to break the news to Ames that this is not "The Bachelor", I bet he was more disappointed to not see Brad waiting for him when he got out of the limo than Bentley was to not see Emily.

And finally, I hope you all watched the preview for next week! I can't believe she cut "The Mask" and he is already back and that he is in the hotel .......crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I have to say, this was one of the best episodes of all time...right up there with when Ed could not perform in the bedroom.

My SLC homies are really representing. Money tore it up last season and now Bentley oh Bentley. I loved that right before she completely got played Ashley said she was ready to just move to Salt Lake City and ride off into the sunset, and I didn't even know she was Mormon.

A few of Bentley's great lines: 1) Ashley is kind of like the ugly duckling; 2) I started kissing her on the neck to try and turn her on a little bit; 3) How can I give you my heart when it already belongs to my daughter; 4) We were in a great position to start something, she was straddling me.

Obviously the whole episode was carried by Bentley, but a few other important points:

- Mask guy........you never should have removed the mask, we knew that was coming

- Ashley why do you have a "roast" date and then cry when you get roasted, maybe you should have had a love poem contest instead of a roast.

- Happy to see my prediction JP finally get a chance and to survive.

Next week should be super-exciting as the contestants go to Phuket (no pun intended)